Chapter 25: TentativeSteps&BrokenHomes
*Skylar*
Welcome to Hudson.
I must have read it at least a thousand times. It felt as though my heart was being pulled two ways. The first, telling me to turn around now that I had finally found my footing and I knew where in Massachusetts I was. I could find my way back to Boston. I could find my way back to Carter.
The second was screaming for me to keep going forward. To head for Hudson and never look back again. A part of me was in this place, this place that I knew to be home but I just couldn't figure out why. Maybe I could find Chris. Maybe someone had found his body and given him the decency of a proper burial. The muddy brown hair and pale blue eyes were clearly visible behind my closed eye lids. I could picture him as I could see my own hand inches from my face.
But why only him?
Why was everything else one big messy blur?
My memories felt like a shattered mirror, all the pieces still reflected me but they were broken and scattered. I'm not so sure I know who I am anymore.
I figure the best option is to go to Hudson. Not only do I need rest and supplies, but I need answers to the unease i've been feeling ever since I remembered Hudson and Chris. I owe it to myself to find out what I left behind to become a solider.
I take my first tentative steps down the dirt road towards Hudson, and then the rest fall into place. With the sun at my back I push myself to keep going until the town finally comes into view. Just like before, the trees dissipate and houses start to line either side of the road. They begin as single homes then start to grow closer together. Town homes and old business shops. There are stalls open along the sidewalks and in the middle of the street. They're full of everything from food, clothes to animal feed and tack. Throngs of people are meandering around lazily amongst all the shops and the street market. The town is much more populated than I had expected. I knew Hudson itself was a large city, but since the blackout eleven years ago the population just about every where had greatly diminished. So it wasn't so surprising that they seemed to have gathered in the heart of it all.
It was like deja vu. Everything was vaguely familiar, yet I was still so sure i'd never been here before. The oddness of it, knowing Hudson was supposed to be my hometown yet not being able to pin point and pull memories of it from my mind. It was daunting to feel so strongly for a place only to not remember why.
My body is shaking with nerves and I don't think i've ever felt so terrified. I wouldn't even be doing this if the objective to find the truth wasn't so enticing. I figure my best shot was to ask someone. But to even know the right person to ask was making me even more anxious than I already was. I don't want to ask random people on the street. A stranger walking around and questioning about someone who died two years ago would probably draw more attention to me than I definitely wanted. I headed further into town, hoping to spot anything that might jump out as more familiar. I get my wish as I walk three blocks and memories hit me like a crashing wave against a beach. A small shop, that looks like it used to be an Auto garage in it's past life captures my attention immediately. Before I can even register what it is about the shop exactly, it's like my feet take control and pull me towards the shop of their own accord. A sign printed with the name O'Leary in bold black letters hangs from thick rope over the large garage opening. I swallow hard at the name.
Chris O'Leary.
I can feel tears stinging the corners of my eyes and I quickly blink them away. I don't need to have a melt down in the middle of the street. I push my way inside with a more determined strut. Glancing around the ramshackle of a shop, I find my stomach dropping with dread when it's empty. Of people. Of anything.
"He died"
I whip around, my hand instinctively going to my side where my gun would be if I still had it. I hide the action by crossing both arms over my chest. The owner of the voice is younger than I expected. He looks about twenty five, twenty six years old. His strawberry blonde hair is long, hanging just past his ears and is straight but looks as if he hasn't, or probably doesn't, comb it. He's dressed in a simple pair of jeans and a thick red flannel that's unbuttoned at the top to reveal a white wife beater beneath it. I don't say a word as I inspect the stranger. But as our gazes lock I can't help but notice the flash of surprise that brightens his features.
"Skylar?"
"No" I say immediately and he throws me a pointed look that says he doesn't believe me for a second. "Who died?" I quickly ask before he can start badgering me with questions. Despite the fact that he's a stranger to me, my instincts tell me that he won't hurt me. He doesn't look threatening. Besides, if he wanted to hurt me he would have done it when my back was to him.
He stares oddly at me for a long moment before finally answering. "Frank O'Leary" he says and makes his way closer to me, to which I take several steps back. "And his son about two years ago. Then again he wasn't really his son but you would know that"
"I wouldn't" I defend poorly as my voice is shaking just at the mention of Chris. A strange smile appears on his face. He clucks his tongue against the back of his teeth in a disapproving way. Sighing, he runs his fingers back through his hair and gives me a once over.
"Where have you been anyway?"
"Excuse me?" I say with a more firm voice. He squints as he stares at me. He knows who I am, and there's no way around this other than to just keep denying it and hopefully he'll give up.
"Everyone thought you were dead" he says, not really answering my question as he continues to move closer to me. "Your brother was a good friend of mine and all the years i'd known that idiot i'd never seen him act the way he did after you disappeared. It was...scary"
"My brother?"
"Not even Isaac could talk sense into him," he sighs again, looking off into nothing. The name Isaac registers something in me and I can feel the tears building in my eyes again. I clutch my jacket at my sides with both my hands, as if it could comfort me. My stomach is churning violently and I can feel myself ready to be sick.
"Isaac" I whisper the name and it's enough to throw me into a fit of hysterics.
The tears fall fast. Then I do.
"What the hell happened?"
"She just collapsed"
"How'd did you even find her?"
"She was snooping around the O'Leary's place"
"I want to see Sky!"
"Not now, Lilly. She needs to rest"
"But Isaac-"
"Lilly, please. Go take Cass out or something"
My eyes flitter open and I jolt upward. A blanket falls from over my chest and into my lap. I clutch it between my fingers, the material feels and looks familiar. The room, small and only holding two beds and two matching trunks feels just as strangely deja vu like the rest of the town. I'm alone in the room, but knowing how close the voices seemed they had to be just outside the door. I try to get up but a searing headache stops me from moving all together. It feels like someone smashed a rock against my head over and over again. I lay carefully back down, holding my head in my hands. As strange as it is, I don't feel terrified by the fact that I have no clue where I am let alone who brought me here. Though, seeing as the last thing I remember was being with that guy at O'Leary's shop that's probably who picked me up and brought me here. That doesn't ease me anymore then the fact that this whole place screams familiarity and i'm not at all phased by it.
A light knock at the door makes me jolt back up again. Before I can even bring myself to answer, the door is opening and a guy is walking in. Not the one from earlier, though he doesn't look much younger. His brown eyes catch my attention first, then the tentative smile that's stretching his chapped lips.
"Hey, Sky"
"Don't call me that" I can't help but snap at him. Though, it feels wrong to. "I'm sorry"
"Skylar, do you know who I am?"
I study him as he steps further into the room, closing the door softly behind him. He's dressed the same as the other guy, a simple pair of jeans and a grey flannel though no tee shirt underneath. His hair was a lighter blonde than my own. I noticed that the shape of his nose was the same, and he had the same small ears as me. His lips, just like mine. Small but full and pale pink.
"Isaac" I say his name so easily. It rolls off my tongue like i've said it a thousand times before. The smile that graces his lips, brightens his rather rough looking features. Despite barely remembering everything, the strangest thought comes to my mind as I stare at the thick stubble that coats his jaw, chin and upper lip.
"Are you growing out a beard?" I don't know why I ask. It seems like such a silly thing to say at a time like this but I can't help but let curiosity get the better of me.
"Yeah, I thought a change would be nice" he answers so nonchalantly. Then again, even his ease and calmness seems so familiar.
"It looks terrible" I can't help but speak honestly as I try to hold in a fit of giggles. "You should shave it off"
"Does it really look that bad?" he asks, running his fingers over his jaw. He looks slightly hurt by my suggestion, but for some reason he almost seems relieved as well.
"Yeah it does" I nod slowly, nervously clenching and unclenching the edge of the blanket in my shaking fingers. An uncomfortable silence lingers between us for several minutes. He stares straight at me the entire time but his gaze leaves me dizzy and I have to look away. Out of the corner of my eye I can see him move slowly to the other bed and sit down. He sits on the very edge, his eyes never leaving me even as he runs a hand through his shaggy blonde hair.
"What the hell happened to you, Skylar?" he says with a catch in his voice. I look over at him now, and I can see the tears that are threatening to fall. He swallows hard, his Adam's apple bobbing oddly as he does. I can only bring myself to shrug. For whatever reason I can't tell him where I was. The thought of telling him that I was with militia makes me feel sick again.
"You don't know?" he scoffs, his voice rising slightly. "You do know. You just won't tell me"
"Who was that guy?" I ask instead of answering him. "The one that brought me here"
"You mean the one that brought you home," he says bitterly and it's strange to hear Isaac sound so angry. "So you don't even remember him? We've been friends with him since before we could even walk. Tony remember?"
"I don't remember" I shake my head and look back down at the edge of the frayed quilt.
"Do you know who I am, Skylar?" he asks, jumping to his feet. "Do you even know who you are?"
"You're Isaac-"
"No!" he yells and throws himself down on the ground in front of me. He grabs my hands in his, squeezing them as tears spill from his eyes and roll down his cheeks. "Not my name, Skylar. Who am I to you?"
"You're...you're my big brother"
A look of overwhelming relief sweeps across his face. He shuts his eyes and presses his forehead against my leg as his body is racked with sobs. I awkwardly pat his head, not knowing how to comfort him. Before either of us can say anything else, the door swings open again and a girl of about eight or nine bursts into the room. Her bright blonde curls are pulled back into a pony tail and she's wearing a pair of short overalls that are caked with dried mud. She looks between me and Isaac with worry before coming over and hugging him.
"It's okay" she coos. Watching her comfort someone more than twice her age is probably weirder than the fact that staring at her i'm overcome with tears of my own. Then I can't hold it back anymore as I burst into my own fit of sobs. She doesn't waste anytime moving from Isaac to me as she jumps on the bed and wraps her skinny arms around my neck. I hold her back even tighter and she plops down in my lap until my tears cease.
"Lilly" I manage to croak out her name and she hugs me tighter.
"It's me" she says simply with a soothingly mature voice. "I missed you, Sky"
I only cry harder and Isaac joins us on the bed, wrapping us both up in his arms. I feel sick again and I push my way out of their grip, running from the room. I find the bathroom quickly, making it just in time to puke my guts out into a bucket.
"Are you okay?" Isaac is at my side and holding back my hair. "Lilly! Go get some water!"
"Okay!" she yells from the hall and I can hear her stomp hastily down a flight of stairs. Once I finish and wipe my mouth clean Isaac helps me back to the room. I lay down and he slowly draws the blanket over me, tucking me in and brushing my hair out of my face. His touch is gentle and soothing as I close my eyes, praying for the ache in my stomach and head to go away soon.
"What happened to you?" he sighs. "I saw your wrist, Skylar. Were you taken to a training camp?"
I don't answer but he knows he's right anyway. He squeezes my shoulder reassuringly then mentions the worst day of my life. "When we found Chris, we thought it was bandits at first," he whispers, "But it always didn't sit right with me. And now I know, it was Monroe's militia wasn't it?"
"Yes" I whisper hoarsely. "They meant to take Chris"
"But he fought back" I can hear him swallow hard, his voice breaking again. "He tried to save you"
"He tried"
"So they shot him?"
"Yes"
His hand tightens it's grip on my shoulder. "Why didn't you fight back?" he croaks hoarsely, "Why did you let them take you?"
"I don't know," I break down into tears again. "I don't remember"
"What did they do to you?" he muttered under his breath as he brushed a loose strand of my hair back behind my ear. I wasn't sure if I was meant to hear the question or not so I didn't bother trying to answer. Considering everything about my time in Somerville was filled with so many conflicting emotions it was hard to say what really happened. It just made me realize more how much I truly needed Carter. He'd been trying to help me remember what they'd did to me. Maybe it was bad, maybe it was just part of my training but what ever they did it made me forget. Just knowing that brought back the uneasy feeling. Anything that could make someone forget their family couldn't possibly be good.
Tears were still rolling down Isaac's cheeks. They fell on the pillow and on me as he leaned in and placed a chaste kiss on my forehead.
"You're back," he whispers and pulls away to look down on me with a weak smile, "That's all that matters now. I'll let you sleep"
I nod slowly, but can't bring myself to say anything else. I want to tell him that I won't be sticking around for long.
But I just don't have the heart to break his. Not right now anyway.
I stay for three days and no one will tell me where Derek is. Every time I try to ask Isaac about our older brother he skirts around the topic. When I try to pry anything out of Lilly she starts crying. I only tried that once but considering her reaction I know not to try again. Tony's been hanging around a lot. I still don't really remember him but he's a nice guy I guess. And apparently he's been living here for the past year and a half. Isaac won't tell me why that is either.
Then there's our father. His absence doesn't go unnoticed by me. Now that I've rested. Now that my memory is starting to slowly trickle back to me as I looked over old photo albums and even spent time in his room and office. I don't ask about where he is though. I'm afraid to after the reactions I've been getting with every mention of Derek. I just don't want to hear that they're dead.
"You've been quiet" Isaac says as we wash up for dinner. I lather the soap he got from the market over my dry hands. After wiping away the excess water on a small bath towel I lift my hands to my nose and breath in. They smell like lavender.
"Skylar"
"Hm?"
"You're...different" Isaac whispers and slowly dries his own hands on the same towel. I don't respond. I haven't really been responding to him at all the past couple days. The more time I spend here. The more time I spend with them, the more i'll want to stay. But I have a mission that needs to get done and as soon as i'm back to my former strength i'm leaving. It's the right thing to do. I need to warn Militia of the rebels. If I can back trace my steps with a map maybe I can pin point their hide out and we can finally rid of them. The bastards that bomb Boston and left dozens, including children, for dead.
"At least I didn't grow a ridiculous beard"
"Skylar" he sighs heavily and glares at me.
"Sorry" I mumble and move to leave the kitchen but he stops me. Grabbing hold of my elbow he tugs me back to him, his arms going around me. I lean into his embrace, but I don't hug him back.
"You're not staying are you?" he whisper against my hair and my entire body flinches. "I know you too well. You can't hide anything from me, baby sis"
"I have to leave" I squeeze my eyes shut and finally wrap my arms around him. "It's important, I promise"
"But you can't tell me?"
"I'm sorry" I take in a deep breath then untangle myself from his arms, taking two large steps away. We just stare at each other for a long time. I realize there's so much that we need to clear up between each other. I wish I didn't have to leave. I wish I didn't have to make this choice. Having to choose between my blood and my brothers in arms is a decision I didn't think i'd ever have to make. I wish I could say it was simple. That I could brush off the last two years and just pretend like none of it happened. But I can't just brush off everything i've done. I can't brush off Jimmy, Jason, Ian, Kent, Lance and Albert. I can't just brush away Carter like there'd been nothing between us. I just can't brush off the side of me that's still a solider. The side of me that's itching for a gun at my side again.
"When are you leaving?" Isaac breaks the silence. His voice hoarse and broken.
"Tomorrow hopefully," I answer as stoically as possible. I don't want to shed anymore tears then I already have. "I'm feeling better...physically anyway"
He nods slowly, already accepting that he won't be able to stop or convince me otherwise. And he wouldn't be able to. I know if either Derek or father were here they'd try and force me to stay. They'd probably shackle me to my own bed post till I promised to never leave again.
"That soon?" I could see the hurt in his eyes. I could see the struggle of wanting to stop me. To at least make me wait it out a week.
"Yes" I turn away as tears threaten to spill again.
"Will you come back?" he asks the dreaded question.
"It depends" I swallow hard and quickly wipe away my tears before turning back around to face him again.
"It depends on what?" he draws each word out slowly, his thin face contorted in a heart wrenching mix of confusion and worry.
"I have...a few loose ends I end tying up" I whisper. I can't mention Carter. I can't mention that I'm the General's son's lover. Or whatever the hell we are. Somehow I think that little piece of information won't be so easy to get past. He could barely handle hearing that I was a militia solider, and gladly playing one over the last two years. What would he think of me if I told him I was in love with the son of the man who started it all?
"What do I do?" he runs both hands through his hair and down to clasp at his neck. He tilts his head back slightly, shutting his eye tight as he takes in deep breaths.
"About what?"
"What do I tell Derek?" he says and drops his hands back to his sides. "What am I supposed to tell him? Am I supposed to lie and pretend like you never came home? And what about Lilly? She can't keep a secret to save her own damn life"
"Why would you need to lie to him?" my brows knit together in confusion as he sends me a murderous glare.
"You realize what you're doing right?" he asks coldly, "You're going back to them. To the militia! To help them!"
"Isaac-"
"Derek's a rebel" he blurts out, his voice raised and strained from anger. "That's why he isn't here. When he couldn't find you he was beside himself. He grew angry and...he didn't know how to let that anger out. He didn't want to be dad"
"So he decided to join the rebellion!" I yell and slam my fists against the counter. "Are you fucking with me Isaac?"
"I could ask you the same!" he yells back and grabs my shoulders roughly. "What is wrong with you? How can you still be supporting them?"
"How can you let Derek do something so terrible?" I retort and shove him away from me. "How can you let him join? Do you know what the rebels have done?"
"Do you know what Monroe has done!" he screams back at me. His face is flushed red from yelling, and I can feel my cheeks flaming with the same burning hate. I know now that tomorrow can't wait. I can't stay here any longer, and maybe...maybe I can't come back.
"Sky! Sky wait a second!"
I sprint up the stairs, my legs burning as I rush down the hall to my room. I grab my old pack and start shoving clothes inside. I'm thankful that Tony took Lilly into town for shopping, I wouldn't be able to handle saying goodbye to her. Or letting her see me and Isaac fight about this. Isaac is standing outside my bedroom door when I storm out. Regret taking over his features as he stares back at me. I push past him and make my way back down stairs without another word shed between either of us. It's better this way, I suppose. I've changed too much. Been through too much. Done too many things that they'll never understand. They want their little sister Sky back. But I can't be that girl anymore. I'm not that girl anymore. I haven't been that girl in two years and I can't just go back. If Isaac can't expect me this way, then I can't stay any longer.
"Skylar wait," he stops me in the kitchen but I can't even look at him. "Please don't do this"
"I don't have a choice"
"Of course you have a choice!" he pleads, clasping his fingers around my wrist and stopping me from storming out the back door. I just shake my head, ripping my wrist from his grip. I grab supplies from the mud room. Only taking a few things necessary. Bottles of already cleaned water. Some salve and bandages just in case. I go for the back door only to freeze when I see my old cross bow leaning against the wall beneath the coats hanging on the wall hooks. I grab it, and my old leather jacket and storm out the back. I head straight for the barn. Hugo pops his head over his stall door, whinnying softly as I approach and wrap my arms around his massive neck.
"I've missed you boy" I whisper into his thick mane. I know I can't take him. I have to take Ginger. She'll be much faster then Hugo and I need to make it to Boston as quickly as possible if i'm to warn them about the rebels. My stomach flutters with nerves as I saddle Ginger and tie down my pack. Isaac hasn't followed me out here.
He's letting me go.
Before I can change my mind I lead Ginger out of the barn and mount. I kick her into a hasty trot and head east. Dread fills the pit of my stomach the further I get from my home. It felt all too quick to have just gotten my family back then to leave them all over again. I can't hesitate now. Isaac might not take me back after what just happened. When Derek does come home, Isaac won't lie. He'll tell him everything and I can't see him accepting me back after he learns that i've willingly been a militia solider.
I don't know how what exactly i'm going to do when I get to Boston, but at least I have the few days ride to figure it out.
Sorry that I haven't updated in a while. I'm in the middle of rewriting the first six chapters so that they're in Skylar's POV because if you remember I only started writing in individual POV's at Chapter 7. So here's a filler sort of chapter even though the reunion is important but I do have a plan for the next few chapters and shits gonna get crazy so be prepared.
Thanks for reading :)