Guess how many reviews we're up to now???? 333, at last check! Way to go guys! And I forgot to continue the countdown of the chapters last chapter! Last chapter there was three more, this chapter there's only TWO MORE CHAPTERS! Although, I'm gonna put a Thank You/Reviewer Awards chappy in between the penultimate and the last chapter (if it's to late for you to understand that fancy vocabulary, penultimate means "next to last"). Again, don't tell on me for putting one in. :D Enjoy, my good reviewers! mmb
Chapter 24:
It May Be The Only Way
It is so easy to see dysfunction between you and me
We must free up these tired souls before the sadness kills us both
Teddy had been thinking nonstop about seeing Cass at Platform 9 ¾. He felt incredibly stupid that the thought that she just might be there—seeing as she had two siblings still attending Hogwarts—hadn't even crossed his mind, but the shock was still had just as hard an impact.
Why couldn't she have just looked away, as though she were too disgusted to see him? Or scowled at him, like she was angry at him for ruining their friendship? She just had to smile, and make him wonder if she hadn't meant it at all, and keep him up night after night contemplating whether or not she really did love him.
As much as it had driven him mad, he had replayed that smile—that beautiful, wonderful smile—over again and again and again in his mind. He had missed it—and her—so much.
I tried and tried to let you know, I love you but I'm letting go
It may not last but I don't know, just don't know
Elle had advised him, and wisely so, to try and forget it. The two of them had been spending much more time together, so as to ease their mutual loss. For the first time in a very, very long time, he didn't have a girl friend (as in, a friend who is a girl) who was always around, and Elle—while she did not and could not replace Cass—made it easier not to think about the fact that he didn't have Cass, and it in turn made it easier for Elle not to think of Johnny.
He had wanted so badly to have the capability to comply with Elle's advice. But every time he closed his eyes, he saw that smile, the one that continued to give him hope when there was simply none…
After a while, he realized that he would not be able to get past this until he settled it with her, once and for all.
And you don't know, 'cause you can't care
And you show up, but you're not there
But I'm waiting, and you want to, still afraid that I will desert you
He decided to go a week or so later, after Sunday dinner with Harry, Ginny, Gram and the kids, he decided to walk over.
It was still only early September, but Teddy could feel the bite of autumn in the air. He pulled his jacket closer to him, crossing his arms over his chest.
He wondered what would happen when he spoke to her. He didn't know if she'd recant and say that she really did love him and she was just scared; or if she'd say that she never wanted to see him again; or if she'd even see him at all.
It seemed every step he took was one step further away from certainty and one step closer to the terrifying unknown. When he had left the house, he had been so sure that he needed to know, that going to Cass was the right thing to do. Now, he didn't know what was right.
A bed that's warm with memories can heal us temporarily
The misbehaving only makes the ditch between us so damn deep
Before he knew it, he was at Cass's door.
He didn't stand there like he had last time, before his and Cass's fiasco of a date. He knew if he did, he'd chicken out. Or think better of it. Either way, he couldn't let it happen.
He knocked three times very firmly.
After a few moments, the door swung open.
"Teddy?"
"Hey, Gemma," Teddy said, surprised yet relieved to see her. He hadn't heard anything about what had happened to her after he'd taken Cass home that night, so he was happy to see she was doing well. "You're looking quite well."
"I am doing quite well," she smiled. "It turns out I was allergic to soy. It figures, I've never eaten soy before in my life. The Healers were just tripped up because discovering you have a serious allergy at the age of seventeen is a bit strange, but I suppose I've just never eaten anything with that in it before."
"Well, that's good," he said sincerely. "I'm glad you're doing better."
"I am as well," she returned. After that they lapsed into silence. "Er, so…" she said slowly, "I'm going to wager you didn't come here to see how I'm doing."
"No," Teddy sighed nervously. "I, erm… I was hoping I could talk to your sister."
"Oh, sure," she said, nodding. "She's up in the apartment, I'll just have her apparate down, okay?"
"Sure, that's fine," Teddy said.
Gemma closed the door and Teddy stepped off the front step, pacing back and forth with his hands in his pockets as butterflies erupted in his stomach. He was engulfed by the overwhelming desire to flee, while he still had the chance—
"Ted?"
He whirled around at the sound of her voice. It seemed like it was something out of a dream, something that didn't quite seem real…
"Oh god, it is you," she breathed, rushing up to him and flinging her arms around his neck. She was so close as she embraced him, closer than he ever thought she would be to him ever again. "I missed you."
Built a wall around my heart, I'll never let it fall apart
But strangely I wish secretly, it would fall down while I'm asleep
"Cass, please don't," he sighed, using all of his will power to gently push her away. "You know why I'm here."
"No, Ted, don't say anything," she said quickly. "Please, don't talk about that right now. There's something really important I need to talk to you about."
"No, I'm serious," he said sharply. She instantly quieted at that. "I can't talk about whatever it is that's so important. I need to settle this once and for all."
She looked at him, biting her lip as the dread at what she knew would be his question.
"Do you," he said slowly, the words sending daggers into his heart with every syllable, "or don't you love me?"
She emitted a heavy sigh, covering her face with her hands.
"Cass, answer me," he said desperately, and she shook her head, not in dissent at his request, but at the whole situation. "Don't you think you owe me at least this?" She let her hands fall, revealing tear-streaked cheeks. "Answer me, Cass, please!"
"No," she said as quietly as she could, sobbing. "No, I'm not in love with you." Teddy sighed, shaking his head and despise himself for believing even for a moment that it could've been otherwise. "Ted, please, I'm sorry…"
"Do you seriously think that makes this any easier?" he asked her. "It doesn't matter that you're sorry, Cass, because you don't love me!"
"Ted, I am sorry," she pleaded. "I never meant to hurt you. I didn't know, I didn't think… I didn't think you would ever love me like that…"
"I don't want your pity, Cass," he sighed, becoming annoyed with her explanations. "I don't want anything from you."
"I just…" she mumbled, sounding tentative and unsure and distinctly un-Cass-like. "I want to go back to the way things were…"
"The way things were?" Teddy asked incredulously. "You mean where we pretended nothing was different with our friendship while we occasionally fucked in the closest locked room we could get to?"
"No, I meant before all of this," she said, her eyes begging him not to do this. "Before graduation."
"No, Cass," he said, shaking his head. "No. Even by some miracle we could go back, it wouldn't fix this. Because the truth is, Cass, I think I've always loved you. Maybe I didn't know it, maybe I did and I didn't want to believe it, but either way I've always been in love with you. And that's probably why all my relationships have gone to shit in the end. And even if we were to go back, I still would've realized eventually that I love you, and our friendship would be shot to hell anyway."
"Ted," she started off again, sounding uncertain, but trying to reason with him anyway, "I know that you hate me, but—"
"Is that what you think?" he asked her, a rush of some impossibly strong emotion filled him to bursting. What emotion it was specifically, he couldn't say. They all seemed to blend together now. "Is that what you honestly think? I wish I could hate you! I wish I could wake up in the morning and think, 'Cass, what a bitch, I never want to see her ever again!' But none of that's true! I want to see you everyday, every second, all the time! I want to hate you because you broke my heart, but it's impossible! I want to hate you but it's impossible when all I can think about is how much I love you!"
Though we have not hit the ground, it doesn't mean we're not still falling
I want so bad to pick you up
But you're still too reluctant to accept my help
What a shame
I hope you find somewhere to place the blame
But until then, the fact remains
"I'm sorry!" she sobbed. "Ted, please! You're my best friend! I meant it when I told you I needed you!"
"I bloody need you too!" Teddy shouted. "But not the way you need me! Don't you see?! That's why I can't do this! That's why I can't be your friend anymore! Because it's not enough for me! And I'm not strong enough to be the good friend and sit back and be supportive when you finally end up with some other bloke, because deep down I'll always know that there's no way he could love you as much as I do!" He took a strangled breath. "It's sheer torture, Cass! It hurts so bloody bad to see you every day and act like I don't love you!"
Teddy finished his speech, breathing heavily at the close. They were both staring at each other desperately, both wishing things could be different but knowing that there was no other way.
Everyday, with every worthless word we get more far away
The distance between us makes it so hard to stay
It hurt, but it was the only way.
"And if you really love me, even as just a friend, you'll leave me alone."
The words seemed to hit Cass like cold water. She said nothing, but only looked at him. He always was sure she loved him as a person, and therefore she wouldn't say a word to make him stay, but her eyes—her beautiful eyes—were locked on his, silently imploring him not to go. He knew he couldn't. He turned around after that, walking back to Harry and Ginny's.
And nothing lasts forever, but be honest babe
She did not make a sound until she could no longer see him.
He had no idea that the moment he was out of sight, she had fallen to the ground in agony.
It hurts, but it may be the only way
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