Twenty Years Later- Bunbunmaru Spirit News archives
New incident resolver steps up!
Like, something I had kinda feared when Reimu got herself that super-cute baby for herself was that she would be totally unavailable to stop incidents and the people behind them... like, and I was right to fear!
The poor little human has been run ragged from the baby, and even Marisa Kirisame has been having a hard time resolving incidents, as she's been stopping by at the Hakurei Shrine to help with the work-load...
...however, the, like, totally not self-serving or evil guys of the Divine Spirit Mausoleum have totally decided to step up and help out! With, like, no ulterior motive at all, the shikaisen servant of Toyosatomimi no Miko, Mononobe no Futo, totally stepped in to stop a recent incident involving lots of fish flying and a great, sailing boat appearing in the lake surrounding the Scarlet Devil Mansion!
To totally prove a point, she didn't even fly at all, too, she was awesome! She sailed through the waters with nothing but her boat, her arrows, her plates, and a lot of oil. Then, she, like, totally burnt the incident causer's ship down! He had a black beard or something, and had come to Gensokyo after becoming more myth than truth or something.
Anyway, Futo faced mermaids, fairies, and all sorts of obstacles, and saved the day from... uh... someone who just appeared! Then, as a complete coincidence, Toyosatomimi no Miko gained herself a whole load of faith for this! It was so cool, I gotta say! Anyway, like, after the incident was over, I totally interviewed Gensokyo's newest hero!
Hatate: Like, hi!
Futo: Oh... dost mine own eyes deceiveth me? Art thou mine ticket to fame?
Hatate: Like, I totally am! I was following you, you know! I saw everything, you like, totally schooled that guy! Like, you went 'boom!' and then you went 'fwip fwip fwip', and then you were all like 'pheeeeee kerplow!'
Futo: I do know, for I was the one to perform such great feats.
Hatate: Like... like... TELL ME EVERYTHING! Who was that creepy guy in the boat who you totally burned to smithereens?
Futo: T'was a man by the name of Edward Teach, a fell sea-dwelling ghost, like the fiend most despicable that resides in the Myouren Temple. He wished to raid Gensokyo, taking all as his plunder...
Hatate: Like... like, so, what spell-cards did he do? Was this guy a challenge?
Futo: He had a most intimidating attack by the name of 'Scare Tactic: Beard Dynamite'. He lit the candles that resided in his black beard, and threw them out of his boat, making debris scatter all around. His ship also had cannons, and he once winched mine leg and hung me upside-down with queer strings that flew from his ship, Queen Anne's Revenge, at a point of his sword...
Hatate: Like, he probably just wanted to see your legs! Heh heh... heh... you have nice legs, just saying.
Futo: Art thou an invert?
Hatate: Uh... what?
Futo: Dost thou like to munch on carpets?
Hatate: Your antiquated talk is a little confusing...
Futo: Art thou attracted to other women?
Hatate: Yeah, like, downright impenetrable dialect you got there. So... uh... what other people did you fight when you totally saved Gensokyo from being plundered?
Futo: There was a mermaid girl that I did most enjoy to cook, a fairy that melted in sight of my fire, a strange, many-armed girl who named herself a 'Kraken Youkai', an older, powerful mermaid that I must imagine was a friend to the first mermaid, a dead man that flew, almost like mine fellow Taoist Seiga Kaku's Jiang Shi, Yoshika Miyako, though his face was for the worst, truly. However, after I did defeat the fell water-faring ghost, Edward Teach, a fellow most strange dressed in blue advised me, telling me that I am not to let mine own guard down yet, for another fight awaits me...
Hatate: Well, yeah, there's always an extra boss, that's, like, obvious. Wait, you haven't fought her yet?
Futo: For true, I have not.
Hatate: Like... who do you think it's gonna be?
Futo: Hmm... I do not know...
Hatate: Like, why don't we brainstorm together? We could work together to save the day!
Futo: Many thanks, but I refuse.
Hatate: Why not?
Futo: I cannot trust thyself to not view the experience of co-operative battle as courtship...
Hatate: I'm not a lesbian, okay?
Futo: That is what Seiga said, but she has henceforth revealed that...
Hatate: Seiga's a lesbian? Like, this is super-cool news, I'm totally writing that down!
Futo: Thy hypocrisy is clear as crystal.
Hatate: What hypocrisy? I bet Seiga totally sleeps with her Jiang Shi or something, I always thought she was kinda freaky...
Futo: Actually, she hath expressed desire for the Great Prince, not... OH, CURSES!
Hatate: You're super awesome, Futo, you just keep giving me stories! Like, thank you, thank you so so much! You're, like, totally cool! Good luck with the extra boss!
Futo: Art thou serious? Art thou really flying away so abruptly? Am I merely a tool to be used for sensationalism and then discarded?
Hatate: You hit the nail on the head! See ya!
Futo: ...knave.
And then, after she called me a super-sharp reporter in her weird accent (she said 'knife', but I totally rendered it as 'knave' in the interview) I totally left Futo to fight her extra boss. She may, like, talk weird, but she's so awesome! If she can take down a water-faring ghost without even flying, like, I guess when she does fly, she's gonna totally be awesome!
Coincidentally, I think I might convert to Taoism. Do you think Miko would be able to overlook the tiny fact that I'm a tengu? I hear that she's kinda touchy about non-humans...
Article written by Hatate Himekaidou
Present-day hindsight: I'm starting to think Hatate might like women. I don't know, it's just something about her...
...also, I hear Hatate gave up on Taoism after Miko kicked her out of her mausoleum by force. Those Taoists are jerks to youkai, I did tell her not to give this girl more popularity...