Chapter 25
Alfred did, in fact, get called into the counselor's office for both truancy and the rumors about the gun threat. It helped, however, that the counselor was actually quite fond of Ivan, and knew of Alfred's good character second hand through him. Plus, she tended to see the good in everyone. Alfred was still nervous, however, as he sat in the chair across her desk once introductions had been dispensed with.
"I didn't make the threat," Alfred said, by way of greeting. She nodded at him kindly, and offered him a small bowl of candy. Alfred grabbed three or four and popped one into his mouth automatically. "Thanks," he added. She gave him a gentle smile.
"So you're the Alfred I've heard so much about from Ivan," she said. Alfred quietly gulped.
"Err…I hope not bad things?" he said. The counselor smiled.
"Not bad things at all. In fact, I can tell Ivan really looks up to you. You're a very good influence on him. I'm not so sure that he's such a good influence on you, though," she said. Alfred scowled. What was with all the adults in his life, and even Arthur, thinking he was so impressionable that he couldn't make his own decisions? He did have a brain of his own.
"Look, if you know I didn't make a threat against the school, then I don't really see why I have to be here," Alfred said. The counselor smiled.
"Well, it's standard procedure when a student makes any type of threat. While I don't think you have any seriously ill intentions, I would like to know why you felt like it was okay to attack your classmate. From what Ivan's told me, you used to be pretty firmly against bullying of any kind."
"I was! I mean…I am. I dunno, it's just hard to take it, and take it, and never dish any out. Gilbert's been heckling me, and my friend Matthew, all year. Everyone just thinks it's funny, but the stuff he says really gets to me sometimes. What he said yesterday just crossed the line. I'm not just going to let people walk all over me anymore."
"That's understandable. Did you talk to a teacher about the harassment?" she asked, marking something on a clipboard that sat on her desk. Alfred watched the movements of her pen and scowled.
"Not in this particular case, no, but I've been bullied since the second grade and I've reported it before—nothing ever changes. My parents have gotten involved, too, but an adult's not always going to be there. My parents pulled me out of public and put me in private, and it got a little better, but you just have to deal with it. Yesterday, I just was too tired to deal with it anymore."
"So you fought back?" she concluded. Alfred gave her a stony look.
"I don't feel guilty for what I did, and I'm not apologizing." She smiled once again.
"You came out recently, didn't you?" she asked casually. It startled Alfred, and he clenched the candies in his fist.
"Yeah, so?" he replied.
"How has that been?" the counselor asked. Alfred snorted.
"It's been a walk in the park—best time of my life," he replied, surprising even himself by the venom in his voice. After a long moment of silence, he glanced at her almost shyly. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to snap at you like that," he said. She nodded.
"You and your friend Ivan have a lot in common. It's been hard for him too, coming to terms with his sexuality, I mean."
"Are you supposed to talk about your other students?" Alfred asked, sounding a little suspicious. The counselor laughed.
"Alfred, right now, this is you," she said. On her clipboard, she drew a picture and held it up. Alfred blinked in surprise to see the little frowny face staring back at him. He was also surprised to see that her "note" on him had been the start of a grocery list.
"Uh…" Alfred trailed off uncertainly. The counselor ripped off a piece of paper and drew another circle.
"This is where you want to be. So how do we make that happen?" she asked, holding up the innocent smiley now adorning her paper. Alfred chuckled a bit despite himself.
"It's not that easy, lady," he said. She grinned, clicking her pen a few times.
"Why isn't it that easy? What would make you happy right now, Alfred?"
"I think this session is only supposed to be a half hour. That's not enough time to list all the things I'd change about myself and my life if I could," Alfred quipped.
"You're right. I'm a counselor, not a miracle worker. Let's start with the first three, then. Number one?" she asked, pen poised ready to write. Alfred's mind went blank, except for the word Arthur.
"I miss Arthur. I miss when we were just friends, before our dicks got in the way," Alfred said. Realizing the language he had just used in front of an adult caused Alfred to blush, but the counselor didn't bat an eye. She wrote down: Failed Relationship with Friend. Alfred winced.
"That's a bit harsh, isn't it?" Alfred said.
"Number two?" she continued. Alfred bit his lip.
"I hate my braces, and my glasses, and my stupid acne," Alfred said. She scribbled down: Teenage Angst.
"And last?" she prompted. Alfred, however, was still frowning.
"Are you, ya know, certified to do this? Because my mom has taken me to counselors before…and you're a little unconventional," Alfred said.
"I get results, though. Well, supposedly Ivan killed someone during vacation, but if the cops can't prove it, I'm not counting it as a setback. We were really doing quite well before the holiday."
"Uhh…" Alfred said blankly.
"Number three?" she prompted.
"I suck at sports, and everyone thinks I'm a loser," Alfred said. Now, he was almost a little curious to see how she'd interpret that. Her pen moved swiftly across the page and Alfred craned his neck to read her writing: More Teenage Angst.
"Well, it seems clear to me that two out of your three problems will be solved by growing up."
"I don't exactly follow," Alfred said. She flashed him another smile.
"Alfred, I've watched a lot of kids sit in that chair as they've grown up here. Anybody with eyes in their head can see that you're just in an awkward phase right now."
"I've been in an awkward phase my whole life," Alfred complained. She rolled her eyes impatiently.
"Well then, it's almost over. Look at yourself, kid. I mean, really look at yourself. You're nearly six foot tall. You're starting to look less like a ten year old and more like a man. Your voice has already dropped, your muscles are thickening up, and you've got the bone structure of a movie star. You play sports and you've kept yourself in good shape. For fifteen, you're not doing all that bad."
"I…but…you think I'm filling out?" Alfred asked distractedly, trying to flex his biceps and peer at himself at the same time. The counselor grinned knowingly.
"You know a lot of this won't last forever. The braces will come off and you'll have a gorgeous smile. Your parents have the money to get you contacts if you want, and once your hormones calm down a bit, the acne will fade. But you know all that, don't you?" she asked.
Alfred shrugged a little guiltily. "I know it's not as bad as it could be," he admitted.
"But you still tear yourself up about it. Why?" she asked. Alfred shrugged again, feeling a little emotional now.
"I dunno. It's just hard to remember that it's only temporary. It feels like I've always been this way, and that it's never gonna change. Even if I do look good some day, I'll still be me—dorky and stupid and obnoxious. This is the first time in my life I've ever had real friends before, and I'm still not entirely sure why they hang around," Alfred confessed.
"So…would you say that you're less worried about how you look on the outside, and more worried about how you feel on the inside?" she asked. Alfred bit his lip, reluctantly nodding.
"Now, I assume all these negative feelings are tied in with why things didn't go so well with Arthur, right?"
Alfred nodded again.
"He kept telling me he liked me just how I was, and I know I'm supposed to appreciate that, but I just didn't want to hear it," Alfred said. He realized idly that they had strayed pretty far away from the original topic of his misbehavior, but it felt good to get everything off his chest. He partly understood why Ivan still came to talk to the counselor fairly regularly, even if he hadn't liked the sessions at first.
"You want to be liked—popular, that is—and you want to be a successful athlete, and you want to do well in school, and be thought of as smart," the counselor said. Alfred nodded.
"Yeah! I know that's what my parents want for me, too, and Arthur thinks less of me for wanting the same thing. I mean, I realize my parents aren't always the nicest people to me, but it's better to want me to improve than to stay awkward and miserable for the rest of my life, right?"
"But did you ever think maybe that's not what Arthur was talking about at all? Maybe he wasn't saying that he wanted you to stay dorky and unathletic, but rather he wanted you to stay kind-hearted and brave, and sweet?"
Alfred blinked a bit in surprise. He unwrapped another candy absently and sucked on it hard.
"I don't think that's how Arthur sees me," Alfred said, but even as he said it, he knew it wasn't true. He'd been so hung up on his own insecurities and body issues that he hadn't realized Arthur was able to see past them, to his true character. That's what he claimed to love, and Alfred had resented him for it.
"I think you know he does. I think while you were hung up on glasses and braces and acne, and all the ways those things made you unhappy and insecure, Arthur was seeing something deeper in your character, something only a really good friend is able to spot and value, and he was worried it would get lost if you got too distracted by the superficial."
"I…think I get it," Alfred said, blinking at her a bit owlishly. She smiled.
"And that brings us back to our first point. You and I both know that Ivan is a good kid at heart. He's got the potential to be really brave and loyal, and kind, too. A lot of superficial things, like who his family is, and what's expected of him, make him confused about what he should and shouldn't do…but that's why you need to be a good example for him. You're going to grow up and change even more than you already have this year, Alfred. That's just part of the deal, but if you stay true to what you know is right, you'll be okay," she said this with such certainty that, for the first time, Alfred believed it.
"Keep being Ivan's hero, and from the sound of it, Arthur's hero, too. You may not have a million friends, but you have at least two who see your true colors and respect you a lot because of them," she said. Her words made Alfred feel the same way he had when Arthur's dad had seemed to see something in him worth trusting.
"This is kind of a lot to wrap my mind around," Alfred said. The counselor glanced at the clock.
"Well, growing up isn't easy. If you need to talk more about Arthur, my door is usually open, except when it's not. Our time is up for today, but just remember this—stay true to what's down deep. Nobody can change that about you, or take it away from you. It's a good thing to let that part of you shine. Oh…and don't skip class anymore, and don't shoot your classmates. Are we clear?"
"Yes ma'm," Alfred replied, a reluctant smile turning up the corners of his lips.
"Okay, now get out of here and go stop Ivan from killing small animals, or whatever that crazy boy does when he's got a free afternoon," she joked. Laughing, Alfred grabbed his bag and left the office a bit confused, a little overwhelmed, but feeling much, much better. As he stepped into the hallway, a short, angry looking boy scowled at him harshly.
"What are you looking at, you four-eyed, tin grin bastard?"
"Lovino! Get in here!" the counselor called out. The short Italian boy snarled at Alfred, pushing past him roughly.
"I'm coming already! It's not my damn fault you needed extra time to fix the freshman loser," Lovino growled. Alfred frowned at the other boy's back.
"Geez, who pissed in your fruit loops?" he asked, idly rubbing at the shoulder Lovino had shoved. Lovino turned around to glare at him challengingly, but the counselor's voice from within the office held him in check.
"What strategy are you supposed to be trying this week? When someone pisses you off, I want you to go to your happy place. Think of lots of tomatoes, and being back home in Italy."
"Thinking of tomatoes just makes me hungry! It's a stupid fucking strategy!" Lovino shot back. Whatever the counselor replied to the violent boy was drowned out behind the closed door, which the counselor had stood up to shut, dragging Lovino into the office by the back of his uniform. She waved at Alfred quickly as she did so.
"See ya later, Alfred. Remind Ivan we have an appointment tomorrow afternoon, okay?"
Alfred said he would, and left the office, feeling a little better about his own issues after seeing the crazy kid that had gone in after him.
USUK
Alfred left the counselor with a desire to visit Matthew, but this plan was thwarted when he knocked on his friend's door only to be sent away by Francis, who shouted, "It is naked time right now. Come back later!" Matthew could faintly be heard giggling, and apologizing to him at the same time.
Alfred's nose wrinkled up in disgust. Even if Francis had fixed things between himself and Matthew, and Arthur hadn't been hurt in the process, Alfred still thought he was a bit of a pervert.
Alfred's eyes trailed down the hallway, to his old room. He wondered…was Arthur in? What was he doing? Alfred didn't have to wonder long. The bedroom door opened and a tall, extremely good looking boy emerged from the room with Arthur on his heels seeing him out. Alfred scowled at him, wondering who the hell he was. Catching his look, Arthur frostily and pointedly ignored his presence.
"I'll listen to the band, okay? And I'll watch the bloody movie if you insist it's that good," Arthur said.
"Does our time together really have to be over? When will you let me see you again?" the handsome upperclassman asked, eyeing Arthur like a piece of meat. Alfred's scowl intensified. He did not like that look.
"Stop being ridiculous. Goodbye, Cielo. I'll swing by the music room after class tomorrow…but only because Gabriel invited me. And stop dropping by my room uninvited!" he added, sounding a bit flustered. His eyes shifted down the hall quickly, as if he was checking to make sure Alfred had heard that part.
'Of course Arthur didn't invite him. Cielo? What the hell kind of name is that? This guy's a total douche!' Alfred's thoughts growled. 'I promised Arthur's dad I'd watch out for Arthur, and that's what I'm gonna do. It's hero time!' Alfred thought to himself, psyching himself up for the confrontation. He squared off at the end of the hallway.
"HEY!" he called out. Cielo glanced down the hallway casually, as if surprised there was even someone there.
"Do you know him?" Cielo asked Arthur. The British royal rolled his eyes and sighed.
"Just ignore him. He gets strange notions in his head sometimes and—"
"If Arthur didn't invite you, you need to leave. Now," Alfred said. He'd walked down the hall purposefully, using his full height to his advantage. Despite being two years his junior, he matched Cielo in height. The Portuguese boy eyed him up, perhaps noticing the rugby jacket he wore and the determined set of his jaw. As someone who had stolen a lot of girlfriends and boyfriends, Cielo was all too familiar with that look.
"I am a lover, not a fighter. I think it's time to take my leave. I'll see you later, anjinho." Alfred growled—actually growled—in the back of his throat.
Arthur bit his lip until Cielo had left the hallway, and then turned his glare on Alfred.
"Don't even go there," Arthur said. Alfred jammed his hands into his pockets, scowling petulantly.
"He's a greasy creep," Alfred said. Arthur pushed him, sending Alfred a little off balance and surprising him by the aggressive move.
"You don't get to do this! You don't get to…to…run away, like a coward, and then come swaggering down the hall like you have any say over what I do, or who I date!"
"You're dating him?" Alfred asked in horror. "You told me your feelings like, a week and a half ago! So much for being in love with me," Alfred accused. Arthur seemed to be so upset that he couldn't even find the words. He shoved Alfred again, though it was rather ineffectual against the taller boy.
"Shut up!" Arthur hissed. "You're an insensitive arsehole!" he added, making to escape back into his room. Alfred, however, managed to get his foot in the door and grab it with his hand.
"Arthur, listen to me. That guy is only after one thing, and he's got too much gel in his hair, and he looks at you like he's undressing you with his eyes," Alfred said. Arthur scowled angrily, slamming the door repeatedly against Alfred's foot.
"At least someone wants to undress me! Move your bloody foot, you stupid wanker!" Arthur shouted. Roused to anger as well, Arthur did just as Arthur asked and released the door just as Arthur was tugging on it. The British boy went tumbling backwards, landing hard on his bum. Alfred blinked in surprise, his expression showing instant regret.
"Arthur, I'm sorry. Are you—"
More furious that Alfred had ever seen him, Arthur kicked the door closed with all the fury he could muster. The bang echoed loudly through the entire hall, causing Alfred to sigh.
So maybe Arthur wasn't ready to talk yet. He'd have to find someone else to hang out with who didn't hate him.
USUK
Alfred found Yao in the cafeteria, quietly eating his dinner. Knowing Ivan's new hobby, Alfred glanced around to see if the hulking Russian boy was hovering nearby, but he didn't see him. He dropped into the seat across from Yao, flashing him a hesitant smile.
"Hi," Alfred said. It was the first time Alfred had seen Yao since the attack, since there hadn't been any student council meetings yet and they didn't share any classes this term.
"Hello," Yao greeted quietly. He seemed subdued, and nervous. He looked even paler than usual, and his normally silky black hair looked rather limp and lifeless around his hollowed face. Alfred noticed that the other boy had merely pushed the food around on his tray, and didn't seem to be eating much of it.
"Not hungry?" Alfred asked. Yao placed his chopsticks down (normal colored ones, Alfred noted—what had happened to his cute, kiddy ones?) and the Asian boy pushed his tray away slightly.
"No. If you want some, help yourself," he said. Alfred didn't feel right about eating the other boy's food, especially when he looked like he needed a good meal pretty badly.
"I know the roast beef is kind of nasty, but it's pretty good if you pour a lot of ranch on it. Want me to get you some?"
Yao frowned delicately, and now he looked a little sick to his stomach. Alfred winced at how badly he was butchering the conversation.
"Okay, so no ranch, huh? You should eat something, though. You..err…don't look so good," Alfred said. Yao's frown deepened, and he glanced around suspiciously.
"Ivan sent you, didn't he?" Yao asked. The gesture made him look paranoid and as flighty as a deer in hunting season.
"Ivan didn't send me, but I know he's been worried about you. To be honest, now I'm a little worried about you, too," Alfred said. It made him feel good to feel like he was trying to help his friend. It had been a long time since Alfred had felt the warm, fuzzy feeling he got when he saw someone in trouble and knew that if he tried hard enough, he could do something about it.
"Well, do not concern yourself. I am fine," Yao insisted, acting as if he were going to collect his things and leave. Alfred stopped him by snagging his sleeve. The petite Asian boy flinched violently away from his touch. Alfred frowned. Ivan was right—Yao wasn't in good shape at all.
"Hey…let me show you something, okay?" Alfred said, recognizing the signs of a panic attack written all over Yao's face. Before Yao could protest, or even really do anything about it, Alfred swept him out of the cafeteria and tugged him into a nook in the hallway. He gently maneuvered Yao into a corner, so he could feel the walls at his back. Alfred stood close, gently grasping the smaller boy's shoulders, simply blocking him in.
Gradually, Yao's breathing began to slow down.
"Feel a little better?" Alfred asked. Yao nodded tightly. It didn't surprise Alfred to see tears clinging to the other boy's eyelashes.
"I used to get really scared as a kid, ya know? I'd have these really bad nightmares, don't even remember what they were about, but they terrified me. A couple of times, I even wet the bed. My mom said I just had an overactive imagination. At first, my parents would come running when I cried, and they'd let me sleep in their bed, but after a few weeks, when it just got worse, they decided I just needed to tough it out. I still got super scared, though, so I found that if I crawled into the corner so I could feel the walls at my back, it helped me calm down. Feel any better?" Alfred asked.
Despite the embarrassing stories Alfred was telling about his childhood, Yao did feel better with the other boy blocking him in. Alfred may not be the brightest crayon in the box, but even Yao was susceptible to Alfred's hero routine. It was a little silly, but something about the determination in Alfred's eyes when he got in such a mood said he would make things better no matter what, and that he'd do whatever it took. It gave Yao the feelings of safety he'd once had around Ivan, but Alfred was purer than Ivan by far, and didn't even hint at being dangerous or threatening.
Yao knew Alfred would never smile in such a twisted way as he took another life. Alfred was as innocent as fresh snow. Yao brushed away his tears, feeling tired. He reached for Alfred's jacket and tugged him forwards, burying his head against the other boy's chest, letting fresh tears fall. He felt very much like a little boy, who was trapped in a dark, frightening place, and he wished his mother would come to comfort him. Since he knew she could not, Alfred would simply have to do.
"I can't sleep. I'm so tired," Yao whispered brokenly. Alfred wrapped him up in his arms, rubbing his back comfortingly. "I worry for my mother and father constantly. I see the boy Ivan killed everywhere, in teachers' faces, in a student walking just a little ways behind me…I can't go on like this much longer," Yao confessed. A throat cleared pointedly behind them, and Alfred glanced backwards to see Ivan. For a second, he feared the other boy would get the wrong impression, but Ivan seemed to understand what Alfred was trying to do. He might have been watching and listening the entire time, for all Alfred knew. He admitted he spent all his time trailing Yao these days, worried more than he would confess about the other boy's mental health.
"Yao…" Ivan trailed off, sounding helpless. Still hugging Yao tightly to his chest, Alfred slowly walked him towards the door and Ivan.
"Why don't you come back to our room, Yao? Ivan and I can watch out for you while you get some rest," Alfred said. Ivan shot him an incredibly grateful look. Yao, however, flinched noticeably as they neared Ivan.
"You will stay, Alfred?" Yao asked. Alfred nodded.
"Consider it a Hero Club mission," Alfred replied, trying to coax a smile out of his Chinese friend. Yao, however, was too tired and frightened. He merely let himself be led through the school tucked against Alfred's jacket, Ivan limping steadily on his crutches beside them. Once inside their room, Alfred tidied up his bed a bit and pulled the covers back. The Chinese boy crawled in after slipping off his shoes. He curled up into a little ball against the wall, his hair falling over his girlish features.
"Ivan's gonna lock the door, okay? And I'll sit right here and do my homework. We'll keep the light on, too."
Yao nodded in a pathetic sort of way, his eyelids dropping shut. His small hand pressed against Alfred's thigh, as if making sure the other boy was still there. He fell into a fitful sleep.
"Jesus, Ivan, this isn't good. He needs help," Alfred whispered. The Russian boy sat on his own bed, frowning deeply.
"I know that. That's why I've been fucking stalking him, but I just make him more nervous and remind him of what happened," Ivan said, the stress making his voice crack. Alfred stared down at his sleeping classmate, feeling pity for him. Ivan, meanwhile, was staring at Alfred intensely.
"People feel safe with you…drawn to you, even. It's not just Yao. Toris was the same way," Ivan said. Alfred shrugged a bit uncomfortably.
"I'm not doing anything special—just trying to help," Alfred replied. Ivan waved away his modest statement.
"You have to take care of him, since he won't let me do it," Ivan said. Alfred blinked in surprise, his cheeks darkening slightly.
"W-what? You want me to…"
"Just take care of him. He'll stay in here. Walk with him between classes. He'll be fine if he can just get some sleep," Ivan insisted. Alfred saw the worry in Ivan's eyes, and the helplessness, too. It was one of those moments where he saw the good in his friend, and realized just how far Ivan was willing to go for the boy he cared about. He didn't know limits. He wouldn't accept no for an answer. Luckily, Alfred wasn't the sort of boy who would have said no to such a request.
"Okay. We'll both help him. He can learn to trust you again, Ivan. You just scared him, but I know he cares about you. You've gotta believe he can get past this, and that you can be the kind of guy worth trusting."
Ivan swallowed thickly, and nodded, pale eyes shining in determination.
"Together, then?" Ivan confirmed. Alfred nodded his head.
"Together," he promised.
A/N: Gah, I'm going soft! I honestly wasn't gonna give Ivan another chance with Yao…but I cracked. Somehow, I've grown fond of the pairing. I've decided to give them a…*gasp!*…happy ending. Whaaaat? Plus, lol, I have new plans for Alfred and I need Yao to do them. No AlfredXYao though, so rest easy. A reviewer asked if I was ahead or if I just wrote fast. The answer is that I just write fast. I don't edit my stuff typically beyond giving it a once over before I post. I get too excited to share and I can't wait, lol. Plus, I like being able to respond to your reviews and take them into consideration as the story progresses. A couple reviewers have totally changed the flow of the story. If a lot of people say they don't like something (like the RussiaXAmerica pairing) I'll do something different. I love hearing your input and opinions from chapter to chapter-they really do influence how the next chapter goes. For example, you wanted Antonio and Lovino and now they're here...don't particularly have any plans for them yet, but they're there, lol. I'm sure something will occur to me, or a reviewer will have a good suggestion for them. ;) Oh! And what Portugal calls England is "angel" - presumptuous little snot isn't he? Well, I actually quite like characters like him, because they give characters like Alfred a chance to man up, lol.