It Came from Lucina's Head
Author's Note: I've fully recovered from my cold/flu/hell and am ready to post the next chapter! The first 2,000 words or so of this chapter is kind of an extension of the last chapter, but I broke it off because I didn't want the chapters getting stupid long. That being said, this one's going to be approximately 4,500 words. Hope you guys enjoy!
Chapter 25: He Who Cannot Be Trusted
"Alright, let's do this thing," said Falcon before he got on the ground and unlocked Wario's door. All of the tumblers caved in with an audible "click" and the door began to creak open. "I can almost guarantee that Wario has another stash of Dream Tap somewhere in here. We should be able to get our hands on some and scram before anybody sees us."
Falcon pushed the door open, revealing a very dark and smelly room. There wasn't a lot of space to step because of all the junk lying around such a wrappers, plastic cups, bottles, clothes, and moldy food. Robin had to grab his nose in disgust upon peering into the room.
"I thought you said you and him were old friends?" he asked, following the taller Smasher into the godforsaken area.
"We are," replied Falcon as he tiptoed over the various obstacles. "That doesn't mean he's ever let me in his room before. Hold the door, I'm gonna get the light over here."
All of the main lights in Wario's room had burnt out a long time ago and were meant to be replaced at some point during the Brawl tournament. However, due to the unhealthy amount of garbage scattered throughout the floor and air, no Waddle Dee was brave enough to come in and replace the lights on their own. This resulted in Wario having to install his own stand-up lamp that he kept in the corner, which became the room's only source of light if the door to the hallway wasn't open. The balcony window was pretty much bolted shut after the fat man had been caught one day stringing hotdogs over the side in order to mess with the Duck Hunt Duo, and the glass on the door itself had been smeared beyond belief with sauces, crumbs, and garlic. Coupled with the fact that he never flushed the toilet, never used the shower (except for storing more garbage), and never picked up after himself, this place was starting to become a home to rodents and insects alike. Of course, not even those kinds of pests lasted long when a simple Wario Waft could suck the souls out of their bodies instantaneously.
When Falcon finally turned on the light, the rest of the room was revealed to them, and boy, it was not a pretty sight. The entire place was littered with fast food containers and utensils. Whatever furniture was in the room was more or less buried beneath magazines, glass bottles, or chip bags. The bed was a real sight for sore eyes, as one whole half of it was reserved for junk food and wrappings, while the other half was darker, damper, and appeared sag a little. The closet wasn't even reachable due to all of the stuff piled in front of it, but anyone would have guessed that some unholy monstrosity was somehow hidden behind it. The television set was also covered with greasy socks for some reason.
"How can anyone live here?" said Robin, putting his sleeve over his mouth and nose while shutting the door.
Falcon inhaled deeply, sticking his chest out with his hands on his hips. "Get a whiff of that stench! Now this is what I call a man-cave!"
"Smells more like an abandoned slaughterhouse in the middle of summer..."
"Alright, let's get cracking." Falcon put his hands together and began rubbing them mischievously. "Who knows how much time we have before 'Fatso' shows up again."
Robin lifted his leg up, seeing that he just stepped on a plate of half-eaten lasagna. He sighed.
"This is going to take a while…"
The two friends went right to work, searching and digging through whatever articles and objects they could find. More often than not, they would end up discovering old food and sweaty clothes. Robin was wishing he had gloves like Captain Falcon, and he couldn't help but wonder how Marth would react if he saw the place seeing as how the Altean prince was known to be a neat freak.
From the mini fridge to the cabinets, there didn't seem to be any Dream Tap in sight, and by the time Robin had overturned his twelfth plastic plate of moldy tuna casserole, he was beginning to call it quits for this mission.
"At this rate we'll be here all day," muttered the mage as he hoisted a sticky pile of clothes from a table and onto a shelf. He nearly jumped in surprised when he found a few dead moths underneath.
"Not if we move fast," replied Falcon who was pulling drawers out and tossing stuff on the floor. It honestly didn't make the room look any messier. "Come on, can't you use your magic to move stuff?"
"I only specialize in destructive magic," said Robin, checking under a nearby rug that had a laundry basket filled with other random junk on top of it. "On the other hand, if you asked me to set this place on fire, I'd be more than happy to oblige."
"He ain't the cleanest guy around, that's for sure." Falcon began inspecting the bed and pillows for anything.
"Seriously, he calls himself a business owner? I'd hate to see what the protocols at Warioware Industries are like. I bet you he doesn't even have janitorial staff working for him."
"Who knows, who cares," replied Falcon, lifting up two pairs of underwear and shaking them before tossing them over his shoulders. A few more feet to the left and they would have landed right on Robin's head.
They continued their strenuous search for another fifteen minutes or so. Neither of them noticed their sense of smell adapting to the crappiness of the atmosphere, and soon Robin was able to see without having to constantly rub his eyes at the garlic powder in the air. Falcon was able to sweep over the whole place gracefully, which was both impressive and disgusting to the tactician, but given that he had a visor covering the upper half of his face, it was totally understandable.
At some point, the two had stopped to inspect the glass door only to wonder what the heck Wario did in order to get those stains on it.
"I bet you he just got really bored one day and just sat in front of this door wiping sauces all over it," commented Falcon.
"I'd believe anything at this point," replied his companion. "I still can't get over how unsanitary this room is. Whether it's been done already or not, I'm going to report this to Master Hand. This is unacceptable, especially when we live in such a well-kept mansion."
"Well, you can break the bad news to Master Hand then," said Falcon. "I was never here."
"I don't care what Wario thinks. I'll personally hire Luigi and see to it that every last crumb in this room gets sucked up and sent to the incinerator."
"What are you, his mother?"
Just then, the sound of a familiar voice could be heard muttering something from the other side of the front door. Falcon and Robin froze on the spot, staring in the direction of the sound before exchanging a nervous glance.
"Looks like he's home early, heheh," said Falcon. "It must have been a short breakfast this morning."
Robin immediately jumped to his feet. "Quick, hide!"
The two broke apart and scrambled to find a hiding spot among the garbage. Robin immediately dove under the bed, cursing under his breath as he rolled over various squishy and smelly materials. He was definitely going to have to throw these clothes in the wash. He didn't see where Falcon ran to, but thankfully the racer remembered to shut off the lamp, casting the entire room in complete darkness. A few seconds later, the door opened, and Robin could see the shadow of the room's owner walking in on the floor.
He held his breath.
Wario stepped in with narrowed eyes, glancing this way and that way at every crevice of his nest. He noticed the clothes that had been strewn about the place among his other junk.
"Hmm," he muttered suspiciously. "Someone's been in here…"
He shut the door behind him and made his way over to the lamp in the corner of the room. Robin could hear the man's footsteps pass right by him as he prayed for dear life that he wouldn't get caught. After kicking a few useless things to the side, Wario finally reached the light cord and pulled down, illuminating his beloved paradise yet again.
"Huh?" said the fat man out loud as he stared at the stand-up lamp. He noticed that the body of the lamp had been replaced with that of a muscular man in an F-Zero racing suit. The head of the man was hidden beneath the lampshade, but the rest of him was perfectly visible. The man had his hands on his hips and seemed to be striking some kind of victorious pose. Robin took a peak out from under the bed and almost couldn't believe what he was seeing.
"That's his idea of a good hiding spot!?" he thought. He closed his eyes after that, dreading the thought of what was going to happen next.
Oddly enough, Wario just ended up standing there and staring at the "lamp" for quite a long time, rubbing the underside of his chin with a gloved hand in utter confusion.
"Huh, that's weird," he said. "I thought I got rid of this thing a long time ago."
Apparently, Wario had previously been the owner of a human-shaped lamp at some point in his life, but sold it online a long time ago since it took up too much space. Seeing its grand return was almost haunting in a sense, but Wario shrugged it off figuring he forgot he never sold it, where in actuality he did and this lamp before him was really Captain Falcon in disguise. He shrugged his shoulders.
Wario made his way over to the front of the bed, causing Robin to squirm and crawl as far back into the far reaches of the dark cavern as he could. The next thing he knew, Wario had stuck a chubby hand under the bed and began feeling around for something.
"It must be here somewhere…" muttered Wario as he got down on all fours in an attempt to reach further beneath the bed.
Robin almost panicked, but he quickly got a hold of himself and began reaching behind him for whatever crap Wario was keeping down here. He immediately wrapped his hand around a Deku Nut and handed it to Wario, who pulled back and inspected the item.
"Nope," he muttered before tossing the object behind him and causing a small flashing explosion.
He reached under the bed again blindly. This time Robin handed him some curled up magazine he found. The magazine appeared to be an issue of Ninten Sports, depicting a rather flattering picture of Samus on the cover in a bikini. Wario's face went red for a second before he tossed the magazine to the side and kept searching.
The next few minutes were more or less repetitions of this where Wario would "fish" for an item and Robin would secretly hand him one in hopes that it was the one he was looking for so he would leave already. By the end of it, the mage had given him a defused Bob-Omb, a bag of Twizzlers, some pants, a Mr. Saturn, a carton of Chinese takeout, a left glove that was surprisingly clean, and a fairy in a bottle. All of these items were unfortunately not the thing that Wario was looking for, and he was about to give up all hope until he reached down into the bed one last time in desperation. Robin was able to move back a bit further thanks to all of the junk he removed, and promptly handed Wario the first thing he could get his hand on, which felt like another fairy bottle. When he handed him the glass item, Wario's eyes seemed to light up as he stood tall and shouted, "Aha! Here's the Dream Tap!"
"What!?" replied Robin, hitting his head on the bottom of the bed.
"Huh? Who said that?" muttered Wario, looking around.
"I did! Down here!"
Wario grabbed the edge of the bed and lifted it up high with a strong arm, revealing the white-haired mage underneath among other random crap. Robin immediately rolled out of the way and stood up, causing Wario to drop the bed back in its place.
"What the hell are you doing in my room!?" shouted the fat man in irritation.
"You had us all for fools," said Robin, glancing at the purple vial in Wario's hand. "You said that Master Hand got rid of all the Dream Tap, yet you had at least one sample hidden from us the entire time."
Wario hesitated for a moment, realizing what this whole fiasco was all about. "Of course I did," he replied nonchalantly. "What, you think I would just hand it over like it was nothing? This is some high quality stuff, and it's worth every penny if it means people are willing to pay for it!"
"Lucina's life is at stake right now. Without the Dream Tap, she has no hope of awakening from her sleep!"
"Well that's her problem then." Wario began picking his nose with his pinky finger. "I was never on her side to begin with anyway. You losers just happened to catch me in the right place at the right time."
Robin could feel his eye twitching at that last statement. It's not like he ever Wario to begin with, but hearing it upfront like this was just adding insult to injury.
"I demand you relinquish the Dream Tap to me at once!" threatened Robin as he pulled out his sword. Wario grimaced in response.
"Fat chance bucko," he replied. "This is the last sample in the mansion! You really think I'm going to give it to you?"
"If he won't take it then I will," came a voice from behind. "Yoink!" Captain Falcon swiftly snatched it out of Wario's hand. "Surprise!"
"You!" cried Wario in disbelief. "Give that back!" He tried jumping up to grab it from the racer's grasp, but Captain Falcon was too tall and was able to easily keep the vial out of reach from the chubby man.
"We need this more than you do, garlic-breath," said Falcon with a smirk.
"Not if I can help it!" Wario slammed Falcon in the stomach with his shoulder, forcing Falcon to throw the purple vial in Robin's direction. The mage jumped to the side and caught it easily.
"Falcon, we need to leave now!" he said as he began making a break for the door.
Wario quickly picked up a bowl of gravy and chucked it at the tactician, nailing him square in the back and causing him to stumble and toss the vial up in the air. Wario snatched it just in the nick of time, but was stopped when Falcon swiped it from him again. Falcon and Robin soon began playing a little game of "Keep Away" with the Dream Tap vial, tossing it back and forth across the room while poor Wario tried jumping and diving to catch his beloved potion.
"You guys aren't playing fair!" he whined as he fell flat on his face in a pile of dirty underwear.
"Coming from the guy who likes to fight dirty," muttered Robin as he tossed the vial over at Falcon who barely caught it near the glass door. Wario got up, a flaming vengeance burning in his eyes as he went full throttle and charged at Falcon with ramming speed.
"Robin! Go long!" shouted Falcon, chucking the Dream Tap just as Wario tackled him to the ground. The vial lobbed overhead in the direction of the door. Robin stepped and stumbled through the mess of the room, leaping up to catch the bottle one last time. Unfortunately, it barely fell out of his reach and continued sailing towards the front door, a barricade that would undoubtedly shatter the item upon impact.
"No!" he cried.
Suddenly, the door opened, and the Dream Tap vial landed securely in the palm of a Smasher who had been standing out in the hall this whole time. Ganondorf revealed a sinister grin on his face as he eyed the bottle in his hand, holding it up to the light and inspecting it from different angles.
"Ah, the last of the Dream Tap," said the Gerudo King slyly, glaring at Robin from the corner of his eye. "All mine at last."
He took a few steps back as Robin, Falcon, and Wario all scrambled out of the room and in to the hallway. Needless to say, they all reeked of something ungodly, causing Ganondorf to wince slightly. Robin remained determined however, and held his sword up towards Ganondorf without any sign of fear, while Falcon and Wario stood to the side jabbing and kicking at each other.
"Give it here, Ganondorf," demanded the mage. Unfortunately, Robin hadn't had much experience speaking with the Lord of Evil himself, and wasn't aware of how dangerous he actually was.
Ganondorf, surprisingly, was rather amused by the tactician's threats.
"Well, that's not a very friendly way of saying good morning, now is it?" replied Ganondorf calmly with an evil smirk. "Is that how all Ylisseans greet their acquaintances?"
"We don't need to say good morning to you!" said Falcon as he pushed Wario off of him. "You practically hate everyone in the mansion!"
"How right you are…" mumbled the dark warrior as he grabbed the blade of Robin's sword and clenched it with his own fist. Robin tried to pull away from the Gerudo King, but his weapon seemed to be locked in place. It astounded him how anyone could grasp the wrong end of a sword without feeling the slightest bit of pain. Even with the electricity surging through the enchanted Levin Sword, Ganondorf did not flinch, and he appeared to be absorbing the magic of the weapon within his own arm. "Let me take this opportunity to 'educate' one of our newest members of the family." He pulled Robin in towards him, staring down the mage with a menacing glare that would make the bravest of men quiver in their boots. Robin did his best to hold his ground, but felt himself faltering as his heartbeat began to increase. "I strive to make myself a shadow here in the mansion. No one disturbs me, and in return, I force myself to not wring out everyone's necks and hang their carcasses on the wall. If you cross me again, the next sword you see will be the one protruding from your chest when you turn around. Do I make myself clear?"
Robin gritted his teeth, unsure of what to say. He hadn't expected Ganondorf to be so intimidating, and he almost wished that he had taken back what he said at this point. He took a deep breath as the dark warrior loosened his grasp on the blade before sheathing it entirely.
"There is no need to be so hostile," replied Robin calmly. "All I ask is that you give me the Dream Tap."
"Ah, yes, the Dream Tap," said Ganondorf as he held the vial up in plain sight. "Your need for such a substance wouldn't by any chance have anything to do with Lucina now, would it?"
Falcon shuffled over to Robin's side, whispering into his ear, "Damn, he's good…"
"As a matter of fact it does," said the tactician, ignoring Falcon's comment. "She's fallen into a coma as of last night. The Dream Tap is our only hope of bringing her back at this point."
He was praying that his words would make the Gerudo King sympathetic towards his situation, but if anything, it only made Ganondorf care even less.
"That's a shame," he said as he slid the vial into a small pouch on his belt. "And here I thought you were in need of it for something… urgent."
"If you don't give us the Dream Tap, she could die!" spat Robin. He didn't want to have to resort to that, but he was starting to run out of options fast.
"I've heard that sob story before," replied Ganondorf as he produced a large sack of gold from behind him. "And I'm afraid I just don't have the patience for it. Thank you for all the trouble, Wario." He promptly tossed the bag of loot into the arms of the fat man who began inspecting its contents with a greedy grin on his face.
"Wahaha! Yes!" he cheered. "It's always a pleasure doing business with you, Ganondorf!"
"Wait a second!" exclaimed Falcon dramatically. "You mean to tell me you and him were in on this the whole time!?"
"When I heard that Master Hand had removed all traces of the substance after your foolish misuse of it, I knew I had to obtain a sample somehow," replied Ganondorf calmly. "What better way to search for something than to go straight to the source?"
"But why?" asked Robin in disbelief. "How does having the Dream Tap benefit you in any way?"
"This drug allows the user to venture into the subconscious of the slumbering. The possibilities are limitless." He narrowed his eyes at the other Smashers. "Let me assure you that I will find a use for it. There's no point in having to explain it all to you simple-minded fools."
"You know, you're really starting to piss me off," said Falcon, raising a fist. "Let's go! You and me! Right here! We'll settle this like men and find out who really deserves to keep the Dream Tap!"
The Gerudo King laughed in the racer's face, completely unfazed by his comment. "Surely you jest. I have no reason to fight either of you, let alone while the tournament is still on suspension. If it will make you feel better, I'll keep the girl in my thoughts. I'm sure she'll overcome whatever it is fate has in store for her." With that, he briskly turned and began heading for the stairs, leaving the other Smashers in the wake of his billowing cape. This of course only made Falcon's rage meter increase tenfold, and he soon found himself sprinting after the dark warrior, preparing to deliver a fully charged Raptor Boost.
"Don't turn your back on me! Come here and fight!" he shouted, his fists glowing with flames.
"Falcon, wait!" cried Robin.
But it was too late. It seemed that Ganondorf had anticipated some kind of assault, because he swiftly turned around and elbow-checked the racer in the stomach. Falcon had the wind knocked out of him almost in an instant, and the next thing he knew he was sailing through the air before forcefully landing on his back. Ganondorf gave an evil grin before glaring at Robin and continuing on his way out of the hall.
Robin quickly ran to Falcon's side, helping him back onto his feet.
"That was reckless of you," he muttered. Falcon winced at his comment, but it was more directed at the obvious pain in his torso.
"That's how I roll," he replied with a cough. "It's not right for him to just walk out on us like that."
"I know it's not." He paused for a moment. Truly, there wasn't anything he wanted more in the world right now than to get that vial away from Ganondorf. But for some reason, when he was standing there in the quaking presence of the Gerudo King, he couldn't bring himself to even move. Was he really that scared of him? Regardless, he knew for a fact that Ganondorf was known to be the most powerful villain in the mansion, thus crossing blades with him wouldn't be the best idea in any situation. He contemplated whether they were going to have to resort to going stealth mode again just like they had done for Wario. Speaking of which…
"Where the heck did Wario run off to anyway?" muttered Falcon as he regained his footing.
Robin looked around, noticing that they were the only Smashers standing in the hall. Apparently, Wario had left the conversation soon after he got his pay, and promptly disappeared into his room either to count the cash or to clean up. It was probably the former.
"It doesn't matter," said Robin. "Falcon, we need to get that Dream Tap back somehow. It's the only way we'll be able to save Lucina."
"Thanks for the newsflash genius," replied the racer, holding himself where he had been struck. "What's next on today's agenda, local scientists discover that cows go 'Moo?'"
"You're not helping here."
"Okay fine, so Ganondorf has the Dream Tap now. What's plan B?"
"Plan B…" muttered Robin. Not this question again. He was almost certain that their plan to infiltrate Wario's domain and steal the Dream Tap was going to work. He never would have expected running into any of the other villains today though. Normally those kind of characters kept to themselves. Oddly enough, this was the first time he had seen Ganondorf cooperating with anybody in the mansion. It made him wonder if any of the other villains were in on his little scheme as well…
Just then, the sound of footsteps could be heard coming from the stairs. The incoming fighter was also calling people's names, and by the tone of voice, it sounded very urgent. The two Smashers glanced down the hall to see Fox McCloud running towards them at incredible speed. He wouldn't normally run this fast unless he was in a scheduled tournament match.
"Robin! Captain Falcon!" he called as he made his way to their position.
"Hey there Fox," said Falcon, still rubbing the spot where he had been hit. He did his best to stand tall and make it look like it didn't hurt nearly as much as it did.
"Ah, Fox," replied Robin. "I was beginning to wonder what happened. Did you find Master Hand?"
The short space pilot appeared to be out of breath as he stood there for a few seconds with his hands on his knees. It was like he just finished running a marathon!
"Not quite," replied Fox between breaths. He paused for a short moment, sniffing the air, before pinching his nose in disgust. "Aw man, what is that smell?"
The two Smashers smiled sheepishly at the other character.
"Eh, it's a long story," replied Falcon nonchalantly.
"Anyway Fox, you were saying?" said Robin with concern.
"Right," replied Fox, getting back on track. "There's no time to explain. You better come take a look at this."
Robin and Falcon exchanged a quick glance with each other.
"What do you mean?" asked the tactician. "Fox, what's wrong with Master Hand?"
He looked up at them from the corner of his eye. "You'll have to see for yourselves. Come quickly."
He dashed off in the direction that he appeared from. Both of the other Smashers hesitated for a few moments, wondering what the heck was going on. They didn't say anything to each other, but Falcon gave Robin a sharp nod. Eventually, the two ran off after the furry fighter, flying up the stairs and gliding down the monstrous corridors of the third floor.
They were headed for Master Hand's office.