AN: Thank you to everyone who reviewed last chapter, I know I've had you all waiting so long for this chapter! I sincerely apologize. Between being sick, real life and writer's block...it's been a rough three weeks. I do hope this chapter makes up for it. I know it's one that a lot of people have been waiting for.

Enjoy.

Ch 25: Beautiful Disaster

He's magic and myth
As strong as what I believe
A tragedy with
More damage than a soul should see
But do I try to change him
So hard not to blame him

Oh and I don't know
I don't know what he's after
But he's so beautiful
He's such a beautiful disaster
And if I could hold on
Through the tears and the laughter

Would it be beautiful?
Or just a beautiful disaster

She sat there, silently waiting for me to continue talking. I honestly didn't know if I could do it. It had been way to fucking long since I had actually talked about my mother and all that happened to her.

I didn't know what would happen the second I opened my mouth and started. I knew there was no turning back, but I didn't know if I'd be able to handle it.

For the first time in a long time, I felt vulnerable.

Though, with the way Lucy was looking at me, I knew that I wasn't alone.

That, when this was all said and done, she wouldn't go running away from me. How could she? She, more than anyone, knew what it's like to carry a secret, the pain of something that happened in our past.

"My life's sort of always been fucked." I turned to face her better, pulling my knees to my chest and wrapping my arms around them. "I never really had a choice."

"Because…because of what happened with Carlisle?"

"Basically. She used to always tell me that it was my fault that he never came back. That if she hadn't have gotten pregnant, she and him would've been together. I don't believe that shit for a second. She always blamed all her problems on Carlisle, saying it was all his fault that she was the way she was. That's a fucking lie too."

"What happened to her Jasper?"

"Her death was only a matter of time, Lucy. The things she did, it was inevitable."

She seemed taken aback by that statement and I didn't blame her. You didn't normally hear people bad mouthing their dead mother. Of course, maybe that would change once she knew. I highly doubted it though.

I decided to just go for it. "When I was six, my mom started using."

"Using? Like, drugs?"

I nodded, she frowned. "It wasn't too bad in the beginning. You know, it was only something she did when she was with her friends. Usually it was just on the weekends. A hit every now and then just to keep her going. I was too young to know, but I was slowly watching my mother become a drug addict."

"That must've been difficult, I can't even imagine."

No, she really couldn't. "Unless you've lived it, you honestly have no idea."

"And…things got worse as you got older?"

"When I was eight, that's when she started drinking. Then when I was ten, she started with the pills. By the time my twelfth birthday rolled around, it's safe to say she was a fucking junkie."

"Did she ever hurt you?"

I shrugged. "A few times when she was drunk or high, she'd slap me and blame me for something, but it never went any further than that. My mother wasn't a strong person, mentally or physically, so it never hurt that bad."

"A parent should never hit their child though."

"That was the least of my worries Lucy, especially when she started disappearing for days at a time."

"Disappearing? You mean, she'd leave you alone?"

"Yes, but it was better that way sometimes. Sure I had to fend myself, find some way to survive, but at least I didn't have to deal with her. By that time, she was only working a few days a week and the days she didn't, she was gone. Sometimes I knew where, but other times I didn't."

"But," she tried to find her words "you were just a little boy Jasper. How could she do that to you?"

I shrugged. I didn't exactly know why my mom did the things she did. "She was an addict Lucy. They do things sometimes that don't make sense to anyone else."

"But she was your mother."

"That didn't mean shit to her. She spent most of her time saying she hated me then she actually spent taking care of me."

"You don't have any good memories of her do you?"

I shook my head. "There are a few things I can list off the top of my head. Like those black and white pictures I told you about? Yea, that was one of the last good days with her. Most of the time though, they were just little moments here and there. When she wasn't working or completely high…those were the worst times."

"What would happen then?"

"She would scream about how our lives were so shitty because of her and what not. She would break things and go on emotional tirades. She was always breaking down for no reason, claiming she wanted to die. A few times I caught her hurting herself when she wasn't in her right mind."

Her sharp intake of breath didn't go unnoticed. "Like me."

I nodded. "It's why I can't fucking deal with blood and…and needles. I see them and all I can think about is her and what happened that night."

"Will you tell me?"

I glanced up, looking past her towards the rest of the backyard. The leaves were swaying, a light breeze now surrounding us. The sun was shining, but it was still somewhat cold.

"It was raining…" I began and as soon as the words came out I knew there was no turning back. "And it was Christmas Eve."

My mother had been gone all day, off who knows where with one of her many 'friends' as she still referred to them as.

She never dated after Carlisle. The guys that always game into my life never stuck around longer than a week or so. I didn't care to be honest. It was her life and it's not like she would listen to me anyways when I told her they were all assholes who only after one thing.

I had spent most of the day with my friends, but as it got darker they all started to head home so that they could be with their own families for their Christmas festivities and traditions.

I had none of those. As a kid, I was lucky if I got one present. As a teenager, I was lucky if there was even food in the house.

She didn't come home early that night which, that came as no surprise.

I figured she'd be out all night, hanging with her own group of friends.

I was wrong, I was so god damn wrong.

If only I would've known, then maybe things would've ended up differently.

But I can't take any of it back. It all happened before it could even all register in my brain.

She stumbled in around ten that night, the cold air flowing in behind her as she shut the door. I was half asleep, tired of waiting up for her like always on the couch. Even though I pretended not to care, she was still my mother after all and I at least wanted to hold out some hope that she'd come home at the end of the night.

She barely acknowledged me once she was on in the house. She was mumbling to herself, something she did a lot no matter if she was high or not.

"Where is it?" She hissed, practically running down the hall towards her room. "Where the hell is it?" She raised her voice, but never once looked back at me so I didn't know who the hell she was yelling at.

Against my better judgment I followed her, entering her room just as she dumped the entire contents of her top drawer on the ground.

Clothes and various other things surrounded her as she dropped to her knees, rummaging through everything. After a minute or so, she looked up and was holding two things in her hand.

In one hand was a syringe filled with God only knows what. In the other she held a small, red mosaic tile.

"Shit." I cursed under my breath. I thought I had gotten rid of all those damn tiles. From some 'project' she had been working on last year, she soon started using the tiles for something other than a simple art project.

"Mom," I took a step towards her, but her glare stopped me instantly "don't do this."

"Fuck off." She mumbled, pushing her sleeve up above her elbow. Even in the dark, I could make out the faint bruises that lined her arm. She had been busy tonight apparently.

I made no attempt to step forward, knowing it'd only make things worse. Instead I watched in disgust and sadness as she plucked the top of the syringe off with her teeth before, right before my eyes, jammed the needle into her vein with such precision that she could've done it with her eyes closed.

Having done it for years now, it was second nature to her. She didn't even have to be looking down. She just knew.

After injecting the drugs into her body, she silently dropped the syringe and tilted her head back almost as if she was at complete peace and ease.

In her momentary haze, I made a quick attempt to take that tile away from her.

She was too fast though.

She heard me before I could even reach her.

Just as my hand went to grab it she snatched it up, her eyes snapping up to glare at me.

Closer to her, I saw that her eyes were bloodshot and her pupils were dilated.

"Don't you dare Jasper." She warned, feebly trying to be the authoritative parent.

That lasted for a good ten seconds. The drug was already invading her system and too quickly was I losing her. I knew I needed to get that damn shard of glass away from her before she really did something stupid.

There were no words for what happened next. What felt like slow motion in reality only lasted a good five minutes or so.

Five minutes that completely destroyed my life, shattering what little hope I had that there was still some good left in this world.

She took the edge of the tile and, in one fluid moment, drew a straight line from her wrist to the crook of her elbow.

Maybe if she hadn't pressed down hard, it would've been alright.

Maybe if I had hurried up and taken the damn thing away from her, she wouldn't have had the chance to do it a second time.

She didn't cry, didn't hiss out in pain.

No, as the blood slowly started to drip down her arm, she dropped the glass and sighed in relief.

It was as if cutting herself was the answer to all her problems, as if some burden had been lifted off her shoulders.

I don't know for sure, but I'm almost positive she wanted to die.

On her knees, I dropped to mine and pulled the tile out of her hand. She didn't fight me this time and just let me take it. She was far too gone already to even try.

I took her arm and looked at it. I couldn't tell how deep the cut was, there was so much blood.

"What the hell were you thinking?" I looked around, trying to find something to stop the bleeding.

"Let go of me." She jerked violently away from me, but she didn't get anywhere. "I don't want you Jasper! I never wanted you! It's your fault he never came back to me."

She was hysterical, tears rolling down her cheeks as she cried harder.

It wasn't anything I hadn't heard before, but this time it felt different.

"He never wanted you mom." I spat back at her. "He didn't want anything to do with us remember?"

"You don't know anything. I….he loved me! He was supposed to leave his wife and be with me. He…he promised me."

I felt a pang of sympathy for my mother at that very moment.

All these years she had been pining for a man who clearly wasn't ever coming back to be with her. He had his own family from what I heard. What would he want with her and the kid that resulted from some fling they had?

We didn't mean anything to him.

Never have, never will.

"Mom," I placed my hand on her shoulder "can't you see that he's not coming back for us? I don't think he ever will. Can't we…we can be okay just you and me, right? I love you and I think if you get some help, it'll all work out. I'll help you, you just got to let me…"

My mother's eye flickered with realization and she stared at me for a long while before she finally spoke.

"I'm so sorry Jasper." She lowered her head "I really fucked up."

"We're going to get you help and that's all that matters. All that shit that happened in the past won't matter anymore."

"I…but I need to…" She didn't finish her statement as her breath started coming out in short bursts and gasps.

Her body jerked again and she fell completely to the ground.

"Mom," I felt as her arm slipped out of my grasp "mom, what's wrong?"

She didn't say anything, her body trembling horribly.

"Mom, please…fucking say something!" I took her face in my hands, shaking her. She groaned, but didn't open her eyes.

I lowered my head, resting it against her chest and immediately panicked when I barely heard her heart.

"Don't you fucking leave me!" I shook her harder, her eyes barely opening this time. "I'm going to call 911." I tried to get up, but she wouldn't let me.

"No Jasper, this is what I want." She whispered as everything began to shut down in her body. "I don't want this life anymore. I don't want to be here."

I didn't understand. What the fuck was she talking about? Was life really that bad?

Was I not worth it? Did she even give a damn about me?

"I'm sorry baby." She choked out, reaching up to squeeze my hand. "I wish I could've given you a better life."

"Mom, don't leave me like this…I promise it'll get better. Don't…you can't…" I stammered, unable to form a coherent sentence.

"I love you Jasper." She squeezed my hand one more time before I helplessly watched as her eyes rolled back and her entire body went limp.

There were no words as I watched her slip away right before my eyes.

I slowly lowered her body to the ground, staring at her like she was going to open her eyes back up at any second.

I desperately wanted her to open them back up.

Even though life had been shitty for all these years, she was still my mother and I did in fact love her.

Ten minutes turned into twenty and I soon came to realization that she wasn't ever going to wake up again.

I stood up, making my way into the kitchen to call the paramedics.

My voice was cold, detached as I told them what happened and gave them our address.

After hanging up, I went and sat next to my mother. I didn't look at her, just sat beside her motionless form.

By the time the ambulance arrived to take her away, I felt completely numb.

While part of me wanted to break down over the loss of my mother, another part of me was beyond angry over the fact that mother had been one selfish woman.

I apparently hadn't been enough reason to stay alive, to try and get better.

"Son," The paramedic touched my shoulder "you need to come with us to the hospital."

I didn't answer him. I just nodded.

I stood when they asked me too, following them outside our somewhat rundown house.

As we walked outside, thunder and lightning roared overhead and I pulled my sweatshirt tighter around me as the wind cut right through me.

I boarded the ambulance, sitting on the bench beside my mother.

We drove off towards the hospital, the rain pounding against the window.

I tried to focus on only the rain and thunder, anything to keep my mind off what had just happened.

It was to no avail.

"Time of death," a man spoke quickly, glancing up at the clock "eleven fifty two."

The two paramedics looked over at me, sad and sympathetic looks on their faces.

"What?" I glared at them, feeling nothing but a gaping hole in my chest.

"I'm so sorry for your loss son."

I shrugged, looking past them. "It wasn't a loss. My mother's been dead for years."

They didn't say anything after that and neither did I.

There was no need, no fucking reason to cry or scream.

Why would I? It's not like I had just lost something.

She'd been gone since I was a kid.

Just because it was official now, it didn't mean shit.

She hadn't cared about me all those years and her little revelation there at the end wasn't going to change anything.

It was done, it was over.

I'd never be the same, but it's not like anyone would care.

As much as I hated her, she was all I had.

Now she was gone, forever.

I looked up hesitantly, not knowing how Lucy was going to react to my story.

I never knew what to expect from her, so her eventual reaction shouldn't have come as any surprise.

She slowly rose to her knees and closed the few inches between us.

She placed her somewhat shaky hands on top of mine gently, looking at me with wide and innocent eyes.

"Jasper," she bit her lip nervously "I'm so sorry."

I lifted my head a bit higher, looking her straight in the eyes. "Why are you sorry Lucy? My mother's death wasn't your fault."

She shook her head, looking down at our hands. "But everything I did…I…I made you relive all those memories. I had no idea. I never meant to cause you any pain."

"Hey," I moved one of my hands so it was now resting on hers. Warm, I was distracted for a second. "It wasn't your fault, you didn't know and I wasn't exactly letting you in."

"But….you helped me. Why? If it brought back so many terrible memories, why would you put yourself through something like that, for someone like me?"

I gave her a knowing look, but she still remained clueless. "Are you fucking kidding me?"

"Um, no." She looked even more confused.

Wanting to tell her the truth, I decided not to at the last minute.

I knew it'd only complicate things further between us.

"I did those things because you're my friend Lucy. Our friendship has nothing to do with my mother, the things you did have nothing to do with her either. I wasn't able to reach her in time, but I was able to stop you that day…"

She gasped. "Oh, God I was so stupid. I'm so sorry." She looked at me, her blue eyes piercing through mine.

"Don't Lucy. I don't need any more fucking sympathy. You wanted to hear what happened so I told you. This doesn't change anything alright? We're still friends. We just know how fucked up each other's lives are now."

She pursed her lips before nodding quietly. "We're still friends."

But fuck, it was so much more than that.

Lucy was the first person I had spoken about my mother to and she had listened to everything and yet, she didn't judge me.

I was still her friend, her fucked up friend.

I stood after a moment, holding my hand out towards her. She glanced at, placing her smaller hand in mine a minute later so I could help her up.

Once she was up though, I didn't release her hand and she didn't pull away from me.

I allowed myself this one moment of self indulgence as I led us back towards the house.

Even though she didn't pull away, she still seemed wary and hesitant.

After all, she had no reason to actually trust me. Thought I never would, I was capable of hurting Lucy.

No one was home yet so we had the entire house to ourselves.

Not like that mattered though. I wasn't about to try and take advantage of the one girl who understood me more than anyone else in this place.

We found our back into the living room, sitting on one of the couches.

There were no words for what seemed like forever, but it was a comfortable silence.

Her hand was still in mine and I couldn't bring myself to let it go.

One simple gesture, but it held so much.

"My mother," my voice surprised even me, breaking the silence "didn't think I was worth living for. That shit hurt Lucy. It hurt so God damn much."

She nodded, her arm barely brushing against my own.

I knew she was still timid when it came to physical contact and I wasn't about to push her, but I really needed something right now.

I, once again, felt like I was on the verge of losing it.

And God damn it I couldn't do that in front of Lucy. Not again.

She had already seen me weak and I didn't want her have to see me like that again, but when I felt her head coming to rest on my shoulder gently all that reserve seemed to dissipate rather quickly.

I was about to tell her something, but all thoughts left my mind when I heard her.

A quiet humming sound at first that eventually turned into Lucy softly singing a song I had never heard before.

Chiquitita, tell me the truth
I'm a shoulder you can cry on
your best friend
I'm the one you must rely on
you were always sure of yourself
now I see you've broken a feather
I hope we can
patch it up together

Her voice was soft and it reminded me of this past Christmas Eve when I found myself drunk and at Lucy's house, in her bed, and had that fucking nightmare.

She had taken care of me then, and now it seemed she was doing it all over again.

Though she was just singing, there was a quiet reassurance underneath the words. Like most other things, Lucy seemed to be using music to try and get her point across.

I was getting it loud and fucking clear at the very moment, sliding my eyes shut as her words were the only thing that filled the room.

Chiquitita
you and I know
how the heartaches
come and they go
and the scars they're leavin'
you'll be dancin' once again
and the pain will end
you will have no time for grievin'
Chiquitita
you and I cry
but the sun is still in the sky
and shining above you
let me hear you sing once more
like you did before

And then she suddenly switched on me as she started singing in Spanish, but never missing a beat.

I opened my eyes briefly, looking down at her for a moment. She was staring straight ahead, avoiding all eye contact with me.

Chiquitita, dime por que
tu dolor hoy te encadena
en tus ojos hay
una sombra de gran pena.

Chiquitita, dimelo tu
en mi hombro, aqui llorando
cuenta conmigo ya
para asi seguir andando

Though I didn't fully understand what she was saying, it seemed to be the same song only in Spanish.

I had heard Lucy singing before, but her singing in Spanish was something else. It was entrancing and I was loving every fucking second of it.

Tan segura te conoci
y ahora tu ala quebrada
dejamela arreglar
yo la quiero ver curada

Chiquitita, sabes muy bien
que las penas vienen y van y desaparecen
otra vez vas a bailar y seras feliz,
como flores que florecen.

Chiquitita, no hay que llorar
las estrellas brillan por ti alla en lo alto,
quiero verte sonreir para compartir
tu alegria, Chiquitita.

Otra vez quiero compartir
tu alegria Chiquitita.

Just as quickly as she started, she finished singing.

"Everything's going to be okay Caviloso." She whispered softly. "Everything happens for a reason."

I nodded, but didn't exactly agree with that statement.

However, with Lucy sitting right beside me and with her acceptance of me, I knew that I was right where I wanted, where I needed to be.

I wondered if she would ever feel the same.

Could I ever be the man that Lucy needed to get past all her inner demons?

Better yet, was I even capable of handling something like that?

Well fuck if she could do it for me then I could do it for her.

Well, I don't know about you, but this was a rather emotional chapter for me and I honestly hope that you all enjoyed it!

You have to love Lucy in this chapter. She may be innocent, but she sure knows how to calm someone down with her singing.

The song used was "Chiquitita" by Abba. It's a fabulous song and it seemed to fit the mood quite well I think.

This is my translation of the song:

Tell me why your pain has you locked up today.

In your eyes there's a shadow of great pain.

Tell me, cry here on my shoulder.

Tell me so you can continue walking.

So sure I knew you, and now your wing's broken.

Let me fix it, I want to see you cured.

You know very well that pain comes and goes and disappears.

Another time you will dance and be happy, like flowers in bloom.

There's no need to cry, the stars shine brightly for you up above.

I want to see you smile so I that I can share in your happiness.

Your reviews would be so greatly appreciated. Now that Jasper's secret is out...do you think things are going to change?