DISCLAIMER: I don't own any of the characters.
Please R&R^^
Sorry for not updating last week… I was planning to, but on Sunday I went to Cesar Millan's live show, with a friend (it was awesome =D ). I had wanted to finish and upload this chapter afterwards. What I hadn't expected, though, was that the show would last until 11pm, then it'd be an hour's drive back to my friend's house, then a 20 minute drive back to my house. And to make it more fun, I had to be up at 6:15am the next day, to not be late for school…
The whole point of the story is, that I ended up staying at her house for the night, while my laptop was still at home. Can't update without having access to the document. And then there's my pet peeve about only wanting to update on Sundays, or Saturdays when I know beforehand that I won't be able to update on Sunday… Yes, I'm a freak ^^'
Anyhow, here'd the chapter (finally). WARNING: mentions of self-harming…
When a convicted soul went right through him, its memories somehow didn't just appear in Ruka's mind, they blended instantly with his own. Unable to stop himself from screaming, he shot at it with an energy beam, hitting nothing but thin air and something else. Something he really hadn't aimed for. Something he'd rather die for than hurt it. As Rei´s gasp of pain echoed in his ears, the feelings of self-hatred and despair which had been dormant in his memories for months, relived fully. Screaming again, he felt his legs giving way and collapsed to the ground, curling up into a fetal position.
"Ruka!" Rei's scream barely reached the silver-haired angel, Rei knew that all too well. While the other fought off the demons and convicted souls, Rei kneeled down beside Ruka. "Say something! Ruka!" His angel didn't give any sign that he'd heard him, his face hidden behind his arms. "Ruka?" Unsurely, Rei touched his beloved one's shoulder. No response, but at least his angel didn't flinch away from him or anything alike. Carefully, Rei pulled Ruka's arms away from his face, and sighed in relieve when he saw the tears.
How cruel it may sound, seeing Ruka cry reassured him so much. It meant that Rei, with some effort, was able to reach him. "Ruka, what happened? What have you been hiding?"
Finally, a response. Letting out a muffled sob, Ruka grabbed Rei's arm. "Don't… don't leave."
Leave? "Nothing you'll tell me, nothing you have done, will ever make me turn away from you. That's a fact, Ruka." Gently, he made his angel sit up and then wrapped his arms around him. "Don't let those souls' emotions stir up too many of your bad memories. We can't let our friends fight them off without us."
Trembling, Ruka nodded. "Rei… I do need to tell you something."
"When we've killed those demons," the purple-haired angel nodded. "I assume it's both you and Yuda?" A short silence, then Ruka nodded quietly. "Okay then." Looking around, Rei added; "For now, I'll try to shield you until you can fight those demons off too." After Ruka nodded again, Rei slowly let go of him and stood up.
The demons kept coming, the souls had fled by now. Seeing his friends getting trouble to fight off the demons, especially Yuda, Rei quickly made a decision and let his wings appear. From the ground, it seemed like an attack without an end, though it may look different from the ground. Indeed, it did. To Rei's horror, the creatures of evil had surrounded them, thereby making it possible to attack the angels from every possible angle. Immediately, Rei used his powers to freeze over the closest circle of demons, then shot energy beams at them to make them break. Almost instantly, his friends understood that strategy and started shooting too, injuring the demons on the second row with the cracked ice of their killed comrades. It made it all too clear how soulless these creatures were, that it didn't even seem to emotionally bother them.
Giving himself no time to watch, Rei froze as many of the demons as he could, until his wings nearly dropped him. When he hurriedly landed, panting softly from the exertion, a stinging pain shot through his right side. Damn, he hadn't even paid attention to that yet. Well, Ruka's energy beam had only nicked him and left no more than a slightly burned scratch. The last few remaining demons were more important, and he managed not to let anything show until their surrounding were relatively save again, though tainted by the blood of those evil creatures.
"Ruka?" Turning around, he was almost startled to see his beloved one standing right behind him. "Are you okay?"
"Yes." He still trembled a bit and his eyes still showed more stress than usual, but at least he managed to smile faintly. Then, though, the look on his face turned to worried. "Rei, are you all right? I didn't mean to hit you, I just panicked and shot without aiming."
"It's just a small scratch, nothing to worry about," Rei replied reassuringly.
Without waiting to be asked to, Yuda healed the injury on the purple-haired angel's side. "So… I guess Ruka and me owe you all an explanation."
"Indeed," Rei nodded. "But let's get to the next passage first. If more demons come to fight us now, I'm not sure if I can pull the same trick as I did this time."
While Goh and Gai already walked a bit ahead, on the lookout for possibly threats, Rei watched Yuda stand up. Having to kneel down to heal the purple-haired angel's injury shouldn't affect his shoulder, still he winced as he moved a bit too quickly. "Yuda?" Ruka asked softly. "If you need help… just say so."
"Is your shoulder still getting worse?" Shin asked worriedly. "You really should try not to move it."
"It's not really getting worse, the pain is just getting… more painful."
"As in, more intense?" Shin asked.
"No, but because I can't move as freely as usual, my back and ribs are starting to hurt too." A clearly fake smile. "It's not the injury itself, so it's not a problem."
"It slows you down, and makes you weaker in a fight," Goh remarked. "Not to sound unfriendly, but maybe it'd be better if you would stay behind us a bit, if we have to fight again."
"I can still fight for myself," Yuda responded, a bit of hurt sounding in his voice.
"I didn't mean it like that. But you're not as strong as usual right now, and if you get injured any worse, it'll really be a big problem. Besides that, if any of us get injured then you can heal it. None of us, however, has the power to heal you."
Letting out a sigh, the red-haired angel looked up at him. "I know that, but I don't want to become useless just because of one injury."
"The reason that you should be careful, is exactly because you're not useless!" Shin snapped. "I'm not going to watch you get slaughtered by demons, just because you're so stubborn!" Rei couldn't help but to stare at his friend, seeing the unusually fierce look in Shin's eyes. "This isn't some minor assignment. You could die." Averting his gaze, he added; "Meaning I could lose you."
For a moment, Yuda just looked at the ground, apparently speechless. Then, he finally looked up to his beloved one. "I'm sorry. Really, I understand. But it just… feels so awkward not to fight at full force, while I'm used to just pushing through any sort of pain."
"Then again, it's not like you get hurt that often." Thinking about it, Rei realized he barely could remember any occasions on which the red-haired angel had ended up injured. "You've usually slaughtered any demons or other enemies before they get the chance to touch you. Well, there was that one time during the festival, when that dark creature grabbed you. But… I can imagine it feels unnatural to you not to be able to use all your strength."
Chuckling softly, Ruka added; "We're just a bit more careless about our bodies than you are, I guess. After all, we have you to heal us." At that, Yuda smiled softly.
Rei couldn't help but to let out an inaudible sigh of relieve, to see those two smile. Whatever it was that they had to tell the others, apparently it wasn't something that was still forming a real problem. Besides, if it was that horrible, then it would be affecting their everyday life. Which, with Ruka, Rei was sure he would've noticed. Still, while walking he noticed his angel stepping closer and closer to him, eventually almost walking side to side with him. When their arms touched, the smaller angel quietly took Ruka's hand and squeezed it, earning a grateful smile.
Some minutes later, in the next passage, the six angels stood still and looked at each other somewhat awkwardly. "So… if you'd rather just talk to Shin and Rei first, Gai and me can wait at the other side of the passage," Goh eventually said, sounding a bit unsure.
"No, all of you deserve to know the full truth about what happened while we were in Hell. What made us bury our memories and souls so deeply," Yuda responded softly, looking at some point between the wall and the ground.
Automatically, they sat down in a circle, Ruka and Yuda next to each other and having Rei and Shin at their sides. "So... You know about all that happened… how we got trapped in there. But… how Ruka broke down earlier, and… some other things... We never told any of you about the full details of our time before we truly lost ourselves and started trying to escape and take over Heaven." Staring at the floor, his bright turquoise eyes slightly unfocused, Yuda sighed. "It's… not something either of us likes to remember. Let alone talk about it. Besides the rather vivid memories, there are some things that we're just scared to tell you. That's why we never did talk about it before, but this assignment makes it too dangerous to keep possible weaknesses a secret." A short glance at Ruka, almost begging his friend to continue. The silver-haired angel did look back for just a moment, but then averted his gaze.
Obviously picking up the stress his beloved one felt right now, Shin placed his hand on Yuda's. "Don't worry, just tell us the whole story. You know we won't judge you or Ruka."
Softly, after sending Ruka one last desperate look, Yuda continued. Staring at a random spot on the ground again, his eyes almost hidden behind his bangs, he told; "When we first woke up, I could barely remember what happened. Zeus didn't want us to die instead of being trapped, and our wounds from the fight were lethal. Therefore, he had healed us. At first, it felt like it had just been a horrible nightmare. Then, when I opened my eyes and saw where we were, I finally remembered. Neither of us even attempted to talk about it, the guilt and pain was just too much. If we did as much as think about it, we'd nearly go insane. Thinking about it, meant realizing that we had lost all of you. That we'd never get back our lives, and we'd be in Hell forever. Both literally and figuratively speaking."
"I'm so glad the both of you did get out," Rei whispered, almost unconsciously.
It earned him a faint smile from Yuda. "I'd just wish we could've known the future, at that point. But we didn't, and there seemed to be no escape from eternal punishment. I don't think either of us realized that the ones who punished us the worst, were we ourselves." The look in those turquoise eyes grew distant. "Maybe if we'd have talked about it, we wouldn't have become so trapped in our own minds. The first few days, all we did was sit and cry. Then, all emotions just… numbed, I guess. We barely even spoke to each other anymore, unless it was necessary. Even though I don't think either of us wanted to live, death seemed like too much mercy. So we started forcing ourselves to eat demonic reptiles, since those were the only other living beings around. Trying to catch them, ended up being the only occasion on which we spoke to each other."
A short silence, in which Yuda glanced at Ruka again. This time, the silver-haired angel didn't even look back, completely ignoring his friends plea for help.
Quickly averting his gaze, going back to staring at the floor, Yuda tried to hide the hurt visible in his eyes. "Anyway, bottling up our feelings resulted in an inability to allow any feelings at all." A shaky sigh. "Eventually, we became almost desperate to feel something. So we found ways to feel pain. By cutting our own arms." Another look at Ruka, and this time Yuda didn't look away when he got ignored. Instead, he just continued. "We both did it, though I didn't cut as deeply since I knew it could end up lethal, and I can't heal myself." A tense silence followed, in which Rei and Shin both felt so much pity for their beloved ones that it almost hurt physically. Still, all knew that there was something more. Something which wasn't for Yuda to tell. "Ruka, I'm not going to tell everything for you. It hurts me just as much, it isn't fair to make me say all this," the red-haired angel finally said softly, his voice trembling slightly.
"I… I did cut too deeply. Multiple times. I didn't mean to, but… I just couldn't force myself not to," Ruka finally admitted, barely audible. "Which is why Yuda dragged me to the backyard to talk, after I broke that mirror with my fist. I didn't mean to hurt myself then, but it worried him because of what happened."
So those were the main things that Ruka and Yuda had been afraid of telling their beloved ones. Honestly, Rei only felt relieve at that. "Ruka, did you honestly think that it would matter to me that you did that?" Tenderly, he stroked his angel's cheek. "I can't know how horrible it was to be trapped in Hell, but I'd be more worried if you wouldn't have gone through serious problems at all."
"Indeed," Shin agreed to that. "You two have a soul, just like everyone else, and if it wouldn't affect you to be in such a situation it'd be serious reason for concern."
"But… it's such a weak thing to do," Ruka mumbled.
"It would've been weak to actually give up. But you didn't, and now we're all together again," Rei responded. "Don't worry about it anymore, then we won't either. Just go on with telling what happened, please."
Again, Ruka's silence forced Yuda to go on with the story. "There's not much else to tell. Eventually, we got so used to push away our memories and feelings, that it became nearly impossible to allow them to rise. Only pure pain wouldn't fade, which somehow got replaced by hate. That's when we started to want revenge." A somewhat shaky sigh. "I can only speak for myself, but it only hurt worse when we escaped and became Heaven's enemies. It was like being trapped in our own souls, barely conscious about what we did, but still conscious enough to feel terrible about it. But I knew I'd go insane if I'd allow any true feelings, and the only way to prevent that was to forcibly not think about it."
"You… do remember everything clearly?" Ruka suddenly asked, finally looking up at Yuda. The surprise, and slight guilt, was audible in his voice.
This time, it was the red-haired angel who refused to look back at his friend, most of his face hidden behind his bangs. "Not all, and most parts are like a memory of a nightmare. But I barely forgot any day. Maybe I should've said that earlier, but… I don't know if it means that I just wasn't able to ban out my feelings, or if I truly did think about what I did. Which would make me just as bad as the demons who cooperated with us."
"No… Yuda, that's not true and you know that!" Shin immediately responded, roughly grabbing his angel's shoulder and ignoring the sharp wince of pain Yuda made. "Every person deals with such traumas in a different way. It doesn't make you evil. I'd never love an evil being." A lot softer, he added; "And I love you so incredibly much." Evidently sensing that Yuda just couldn't respond right now, he wrapped his arms around the taller angel and hugged him closely. Still no real response, but even from his point of view, Rei could see some tears landing on Shin's shoulder.
Discretely looking away, Goh and Gai started unpacking some dried meat for dinner. Indeed, it was clear that they wouldn't travel on today. Quietly, he looked at Ruka, unsure if hugging him now wouldn't seem too much like just copying Shin and Yuda. There was a difference between the two, though. While Yuda was crying soundlessly, Ruka just stared at the floor. Actually, the silver-haired angel didn't seem to be haunted by memories at the moment, but rather looked like he was feeling guilty.
"Ruka? What's wrong?" Rei asked unsurely.
"I was too scared to tell you about the cutting… But I honestly had no idea that he remembers almost all of it clearly," Ruka whispered, his red eyes full of shame. "If I'd known that… No, I shouldn't have forced him to tell everything, anyway. I was just so scared that you would think of me as weak and stupid."
"I'd never think that, Ruka. If you truly had expected me to think that, then you don't know me at all." It sounded harsh, but Rei couldn't help to feel hurt by the lack of trust from his angel.
"I know, but I still felt scared. I don't know why!" It came out as a desperate hiss. "I'm sorry, Rei. I'm sorry."
"Ruka…" Slowly, giving his angel the opportunity to move away if he didn't feel like being hugged right now, he wrapped his arms around Ruka. In response, the silver-haired angel leaned against him gratefully. "Don't worry, I'm not angry at all. It just… hurts a little to know you have been going through that fear alone." Tenderly, he kissed his angel's cheek. "Don't ever hide anything from me again, it only hurts us both. I promise I'll always be there to try to help and comfort you."
Ruka merely nodded, undoubtedly grateful for Rei's determination to be there for him. But still, he knew that all wasn't right just yet, not until they had faced all of their past, and survived those cruel memories.
I'll update soon^^ (and sorry for not replying on any reviews lately, I've just been too busy to... I do really love getting reviews, though ;) )