Chapter Twenty Four

The world felt like it was spinning around me, and just as I was certain I was going to vomit all over the concrete floor, a hand landed on my shoulder, pulling me back and tethering me to reality.

"Mickie! That atmosphere out there, oh my– Mickie, what is it?"

I was able to glance over and take in the group of divas that had gathered around me, Nikki and Brie at the forefront, the former being the one who had spoken. I watched as comprehension dawned on her face and then turned into full fledged anger.

"That is it!" she hissed, her eyes narrowed as she started forward. Brie reached out to stop her, but Nikki was too fast, so we could do nothing but watch as she made her way towards my husband.

Randy didn't catch sight of her until Nicole opened her mouth to speak, and then he finally pulled away from the brunette.

"What the hell is your problem?!" she half-shouted in his face.

Randy narrowed his eyes and crossed his arms, "I could ask you the same thing."

"Oh is that so? You honestly don't see the immorality of your actions?" she laughed crazily, "Of course you don't, you don't give a shit about anyone but yourself! So naturally you'd be making out with some random stranger while your wife is in the same damn building!"

"Is this jealousy I detect, Nicole?"

She shook her head, "You're despicable. I honestly don't know what Mickie ever saw in you."

Randy's next words were drowned out as John made an appearance next to us, clearly unaware of the scene unfolding several feet away.

"Hey where's Nicole?" he asked.

Brianna sent him a look of disbelief and pointed at her twin. John's face mirrored that of his girlfriend's sister.

"…has everything to do with me! Because I'm the one who has to bear witness to the pain and suffering she endures on a daily basis because of you. Which is honestly ridiculous, because you'd think after completely derailing her life, you'd have enough common decency to treat her with a little more respect!"

In an instant Randy's expression turned dangerous, so much so, I cringed inwardly at the intensity of it. I knew things were about to get even worse.

"Oh shit…" John clearly realized this too because he sighed, and headed towards the battling superstars.

Randy took a step forward, towering over the smaller diva, and to Nicole's credit she didn't so much as flinch. "You have no fucking idea what you're talking about, so keep your mouth shut."

"Hey, hey, hey," John pulled Nicole backwards and slipped into the slightly wider space between his girlfriend and best friend, facing the latter, "You need to take a step back and calm the hell down."

"Not until she learns to mind her own damn business," Randy hissed.

"I said back the hell off Randy," John said in a calm yet authoritative manner.

Randy stared daggers at John for another few moments and then I could visibly see him relax a touch. His eyes swept over the area around him and that was when his stare met mine and his demeanour shifted entirely. His gaze softened and he started to take a step forward but I found I was finally able to move again, and I continued on in the direction I had been, straight past all three of them and Randy's brunette companion, not bothering to look at any of them. I think Randy tried to come after me because I heard John say, "Just let her go, man. You have a match to get to."

I was trying my best to erase the images from my mind as I trekked towards the women's locker room. I wanted to get there before news was able to travel, but then I realized that anyone could have seen Randy before this incident and it was very likely everyone else already knew. The thought put me in an even worse mood, which at this point I didn't even think was possible. I was lost in my thoughts when someone calling my name from behind me, jostled me out of my thoughts. I turned around to see Nicole jogging to catch up to me, and I got the feeling she'd had to call my name more than once.

"I want to be alone right now, Nicole."

"I want to make sure you're okay."

"I'm fine! I'm not some helpless damsel in distress!"

She reached out to me, "Mickie I didn't think you were I just–"

"You just what, Nicole? Look, I know you're watching out for me, and I love you for that, I do, but attacking Randy in front of everyone is not only going to end up getting you in trouble if you keep it up, but it's really not helping. This is between Randy and me, so butt out!"

She withdrew her arm and took a step back like I'd slapped her, "You're right, and I'm sorry for that. But Mickie, you say this is between the two of you, but you won't even talk to him."

"What am I supposed to do?! Yell and scream and cry at him?!"

"Maybe!"

"Why?! He made his decision, nothing I say or do is going to change that! You don't know him the way I do. He does what he wants! He wants what he wants! And when he decides something, that's it!"

"And so he just gets to get away with that?" she gestured back to the situation that had just taken place.

"Randy is technically single, he can kiss however many strangers he pleases."

Nicole hesitated at my words, and I could literally see her struggling for a second there, "Mickie… apparently she's not some random stranger …she's his girlfriend."

"Excuse me?"

"Yeah… he, or rather, she, made that much clear before I left them there with John."

I turned and walked away, ignoring her pleas for me to come back. Right now I wanted to be alone. I found an empty locker room with a single solitary chair, which I occupied while I tried to sift through all that had happened.

Randy had a girlfriend. It hurt, the idea of him with a woman that wasn't me, but not nearly as much as his leaving had hurt. It was just something to add to the ever growing list of things I needed to get used to. That's what happened when people moved on; they found new people to share their lives with. But the fact that Randy was already in that position to date someone new, was what hurt the most. Nearly seven years of marriage, eight years of being together and it took him all of a few months to move on? I couldn't possibly imagine dating anyone new at this point, not when I'm still so hopelessly in love with him. And even more than that, confused. Does this mean that we're done? Then why hasn't he taken the stops to abolish our marriage if it meant so little to him that he could already be dating someone new?

Realizing Nicole was right, I knew I needed to talk to Randy and tonight was as good a time as ever. But it would have to wait until the end of the evening because Randy, Bryan and Dave were scheduled to close out the show with the championship match, and the last thing I wanted to do was distract him the night of Wrestlemania …if he wasn't already. So I left the empty locker room the same way I'd found it, and decided to return to the women's locker room so I could shower and change.

Just as I'd suspected, the news had travelled to those divas that hadn't experienced the scene first hand so I had to deal with a bit of staring, but honestly I was used to this sort of thing and I had more problems to worry about at the moment, so I just ignored everyone else and enjoyed my shower before pulling on the dress I'd chosen for the Wrestlemania after party. As much as I didn't want to be out in public tonight, I'd already made plans with the other divas, and I was sure a distraction at this point was a good idea. I dressed in a simple white mini dress with a gold metallic belt cinching my waist and white heels, and then I headed out to find the twins knowing they'd have found a TV to watch the main event. After asking around, I was pointed in the right direction and I found them stationed in front of a monitor squished into a hallway.

"Hey," I said, taking the seat next to Nicole. I offered her an apologetic smile, and she nudged me and smiled back.

I leaned around her to look at Brie, "You nervous?" I gestured to the screen where the main event was already in full swing.

"Terrified," she responded.

I reached out and gripped her hand briefly, "You have any idea who's scheduled to win?"

I hadn't had the nerve to talk to Randy about it. Despite our current situation, and the fact that Daniel Bryan deserved a legitimate title run right now more than anyone else on the roster, all I wanted was to see Randy's success and I'd been so insanely proud when he became the unified WWE World Heavyweight champion last December. It was a privilege to watch him in the ring, and while I may be biased in just about every way, no one could deny his talent.

She shook her head, "He wanted it to be a surprise."

"Good luck Brie, if he wasn't facing my husband, estranged or otherwise, I'd be rooting for him hardcore."

"Don't kid yourself, Mickie, you know you're a proud member of the yes movement," Nikki teased.

"How can anyone not be? It's so damn infectious!"

A few minutes later I realized I'd been squeezing my fists so tightly; my nails had cut into my palms so I was careful not to touch my white dress. I remained silent throughout the remainder of the match otherwise until Daniel Bryan made Dave submit to the Yes Lock, and then I was on my feet screaming with excitement alongside the twins. Brie was crying tears of joy.

"He deserved this, so much," I said into her ear as we were hugging.

"God that was a good match…" Nikki exclaimed.

Brie and I both nodded in agreement and then she was off towards the gorilla position to wait for Bryan and Nikki told me she was going to find John so she could get back to their room and start getting ready. I told her I was going to go find Randy so we could talk which she told me was a great idea and then left me to go searching for the husband I needed to demand some answers from.

The excitement from the match was starting to wear off, and suddenly I was obsessing once more about the scene I'd come across and my earlier anger made its return when I started thinking of the entirety of our situation and the answers that I hadn't gotten. I approached Randy's locker room and hesitated briefly before knocking.

When Randy pulled open the door, I could immediately see the disappointment on his face from the results of this evening. Despite the fact that we knew ahead of time how our matches were going to end, that knowledge didn't, in fact, help us prepare for the joy or, in Randy's case, the disappointment. It was what added realism to what we do.

"Mickie…"

"I need–" I stopped when he was joined by the brunette from earlier. I turned my steely gaze on her, allowing my anger to fuel my next words, "I need to speak with my husband. So if you don't mind, I'd like a little privacy," I said curtly with my eyes narrowed, but then I remembered my manners and sighed, "I'm sorry," I said immediately, "I need to talk to you," I repeated.

She looked up at Randy who told her he'd be a few minutes, and then closing the door behind him, led me away down the hall to an abandoned area perfect for talking.

"Girlfriend? She's your girlfriend? You won't even tell me what it is you want from me, your wife, but you can go out and find yourself a girlfriend? And yes, Randy, despite how hard you try and pretend otherwise, I am still your wife!"

"Mickie… I know that. Trust me, I haven't forgotten. I didn't want you to find out this way."

"So making out with her in a public area seemed smart to you, how? Is she the reason you left me?"

"I'm not having this conversation, Mickie. I don't want to fight with you. In fact, that's the last thing that I want."

"I think that you owe me an explanation."

His demeanour seemed to change and he laughed bitterly, "That's funny. Funny that you didn't extend me the same courtesy," he sighed angrily and ran his hand down his face in frustration, "Of course I didn't leave you for her, Mickie, how could you even think that? I met her a month ago and I'm happy."

"Well that's great Randy, I'm thrilled for you. Thrilled that you can find time to date, but not speak to me."

"Of course somehow you manage to blame me for this. Randy Orton is the eternal screw up. I know that's always made you feel superior."

His words caught me off guard. I furrowed my brows in confusion, trying to work out what he was trying to get at and how the conversation had gotten here. I figured his recent loss had something to do with this behaviour, as I hadn't seen anger directed at me from Randy in quite some time. "What are you talking about? Randy, I've never felt that way."

"I know that you always enjoyed people knowing how much of a screw up I was."

I exhaled angrily, "You must be talking about a different couple, because the Mickie and Randy that I know were always on equal ground, taking responsibility as a couple. Always! Who cares what everyone thinks?!" I paused, "Where is this coming from?"

"It's coming from that place that knows that everyone thinks this is my fault, as usual." There was an almost weariness to his tone that I don't think anyone but me could have detected. He was too good at masking his emotions underneath anger. His words made sense. Nicole's attitude towards him was a perfect example of that.

"You're the one who got a new girlfriend. You're the one who left." I felt the need to point that out, just for argument's sake.

"And why is that?" he asked nastily.

"Honestly? I have no idea. I came home, and you forgave me, and we were happy. What changed?"

"Nothing changed, Mickie. What we had after you got back, it was a lie. I wasn't happy. How could I be happy after what you pulled in Florida?"

I sighed furiously, tired of repeating myself on this subject, "Randy, nothing happened between me and Nick. I don't know why that's so hard to believe! I don't know why or how that became an issue again!"

"It never stopped being an issue. And if that's true, then why did you feel the need to lie to me?" he asked calmly.

"Because I can't help other people's feelings and I told you, I didn't want to upset you unnecessarily!"

"You know, if you'd been honest, things would be a lot different."

"Would they have? Would you have been able to get over it? Your track record with jealousy isn't a very good one." He shook his head, a bitter smile on his face. "You could have chosen to stay, Randy. You're right… I should have been honest, I've never disputed that, but you didn't trust me. You could have forgiven me, because deep down you know that I never could have betrayed you like that. But instead you left. You just gave up on us.

"I stayed for two years, Mickie. Let me ask you this," he took an angry step forward, "After I found out, did you even think to stop seeing him? Did you even consider it? Because the last time I asked that, you didn't have an answer for me."

"I didn't think it was necessary! He and I were just friends!"

"No, you were angry with me. And you wanted to punish me. Because apparently it was alright for you to tell me what to do, but it wasn't okay for me to ask the same of you. When I asked you to come home, you didn't talk to me for weeks. You loaded the gun, Mickie, I just pulled the trigger."

I shook my head again, realizing this was getting us nowhere. It all seemed sort of pointless anyway and I decided to point that out, "Considering you have a girlfriend in that dressing room there, doesn't this seem like an odd time to have this conversation? Wouldn't it have made more sense for you to come to me with this three months ago instead of just leaving?"

"These are just words, they mean nothing. You came to me, remember?"

All my anger, all my nerve, all my practicality seemed to seep out of me in that very second because I saw our relationship heading down a path it was never going to be able to come back from.

"Randy," I whispered, terrified, "Randy please don't do this," I felt the tears but in this very moment I didn't care. I stepped forward and placed my hands on his chest, "Please just come home, we can work this out. I can't believe that this is it for us. It can't be. Not us. Please. I love you. And I know that you still love me."

He shook his head, "It's too late for that. I haven't looked at you the same since your sister told me what you chose not to. Actually, that's not entirely true. Because even after she told me, I couldn't believe it. I refused to believe it because the Mickie that I married, she wouldn't have lied. I didn't recognize the Mickie that I found that night."

I knew he was talking about the night he found Nick and I poolside. I imagined that being steamrolled by a cement truck would have hurt a lot less than those words. It would have been kinder for him to tell me he hated me.

I sniffed and then as if I remembered myself, I wiped away my tears and stepped back, "I'm sorry. I– I don't know. I'm going to go." I turned away but turned back to face him again, "I'm sorry about your match, Randy. Despite the results, I'm so proud of you."

Once more I made my way away from him, unable to ignore that part of me that so desperately wanted him to call me back and pull me into his arms and tell me he couldn't live without me. But I wasn't foolish enough to believe he would – he was too angry, too bitter and hurt – so I kept my head held high while I retreated and forced myself to believe that somehow I was strong enough to forge my way through this. Because that's all that I had left – my strength, and I knew that I would fight tooth and nail to make sure that was always the case.

-X-

Nicole came to my hotel room that night. I guess when you don't show up for the Wrestlemania after party, people get worried. I'd thought I'd be able to have the conversation with Randy and then everything would be fine, or at least I'd feel better knowing where we stood. But all it did was make things worse, because it was real. He'd moved on without me.

"You know when he proposed he said with such certainty that there would never be anyone else in the world for him. A couple months, Nicole, that's all it took him to get over me. Suddenly everything he's ever said feels like a lie."

I couldn't help but feel betrayed. Of course I knew that relationships didn't always work out, no matter how much you hoped otherwise, I wasn't that foolish. But Randy and I had always been different and we'd always worked our problems out together. And now he was doing that with someone else. The idea of this woman in my place, of her kissing him, of his hands on her and hers on him, it made me physically and mentally ill.

"It wasn't a lie if he meant it at the time," she said, rubbing my back.

"What does that matter now?"

"It matters because what the two of you had was real, don't ever forget that Mickie, not for one second. We all saw how much love you had for each other and it may not be a comfort now, but one day it will be. To love that strongly and deeply is a gift. One day this will all make sense, I promise."

-X-

I was awoken to the sound of banging on the front door.

"Are you going to get that, mom?" I shouted, but yet the banging persisted.

I near fell off my mother's couch in my haste to get to the door where I found Kate standing on the front step. "Jesus Mickie, you look like shit." She strolled inside with the newspaper under her arm. "When your sister told me you were crashing at your mom's I didn't believe her because I swore you would have told me you were home."

"Sorry… I haven't really been spending much time with anyone." I sat back down on the couch and pulled my knees up to my chest.

"Yes, I've heard you've been in moping mode. This just screams code red. I think it's in my best friend contract to get you out of the house."

I shook my head and rested my chin on my knee, "I have a flight back home tonight, so I kind of just want to chill until then. Hey, I've been meaning to ask, I'm getting together at the house in Orlando with some of the girls from work next week. Do you want to come and hang out with us?"

She scoffed, "Yeah, that's my idea of fun, hanging out with a group of WWE divas."

"I'm a WWE diva."

"We were friends before all that. I don't particularly like that Nicole…"

"Why not?!"

She shrugged, "I've always gotten the impression she's materialistic." Before I could even respond and defend the older twin she pressed on, "I'm on my week off now, so I'll be working next week. What's going on Mickie? I feel like you've taken a huge step backwards here. Crashing on your mom's couch? I thought we discussed this. You need to keep–"

"He has a girlfriend," I said quietly. So quietly I wasn't sure she heard me.

"What?"

I finally met her gaze and straightened up, "He has a girlfriend, Kate. They've been seeing each other for a month. Maybe longer," I shrugged, "He may hate me right now, but I know he can't completely stifle that desire to look after me. They could have been seeing each other a lot longer for all I know."

"I don't believe that."

"I can't believe that this still feels surreal to me. I've had a lot of time to think since I got here and I've realized that there's just been so much missing from our relationship for a long time, and suddenly I feel like it's slowly becoming more and more clear."

"Like what?"

"Trust, for one. He said he did, but I know he felt he couldn't trust me anymore. Our ability to always communicate, that's definitely one I'm surprised I didn't realize sooner. I guess I've been in denial mode and …his smile."

She looked back at me, puzzled.

I shrugged, forcing a laugh, "Not the one that you see on TV, or the one he might offer people in passing, but the one he always reserved for me, and only me. I don't care how cheesy it sounds, but there was always such happiness there, not just in his expression but in his eyes, like there was nothing else in the world that mattered as long as were together," I smiled sadly, "I haven't see that smile in a very long time. And I want to see it again, maybe not directed at me, but I want to see him that happy, even if it isn't with me. I need to let him go, don't I?" I asked softly, almost childlike. She nodded slowly, sadly.

"How can I do that?" I whispered, "How? What am I supposed to do?"

I saw the emotion on her face, the sadness and the pity. She vacated her seat and came to sit next to me, wrapping an arm around my shoulders. "You get up, you take a shower and you get out and do something fun."

I looked at her questioningly.

"You can't stop living your life because of this. I know how much you love Randy, Mickie. I know that it's entirely possible you won't completely heal from this, but you have to try. Because you're strong, and self-sufficient. And because you of all people know that it isn't practical to lock yourself away. You tried to make things work, you sacrificed your career not knowing if you were going to get another chance to get in that ring so that you could salvage your marriage. You've done everything you can, Mickie. And you can't sacrifice anymore of yourself. You're better than that, you always have been. I believe in you."

Even as she was saying the words, a part of me didn't want to listen to her, but I knew I had no choice. Because she was right. I knew that it wasn't practical to give up… to sit around and wallow in my own self-pity. I'd always been stronger than that, my mother made sure of that. And while I didn't want to imagine my life from here on out without Randy, I wasn't willing to forfeit anymore of it waiting around for him to change his mind. And beyond that, I didn't want to cause him anymore pain by trying to hang on. I loved him too much to see him hurting. I just wanted him to be happy, that much hadn't changed. If he wanted to be with me, he knew where to find me, and if not (and I didn't want to entertain that idea too much at the moment) then I guess there wasn't anything that I could do about it. And that was just life. And it was as simple (and unfair) as that.

"So what do you say? You up for something fun? Anything, you choose, and we'll do it."

-X-

"Why are we here again?" I looked over at Toya to see she literally had a pout on her face.

"Because I told Mickie to choose something fun, and alas she made her decision. Stop complaining or we'll ship you on a plane right back home," Kate said, "Hey watch where you're going!" she stopped to shout at a passing man who'd nearly bowled her over with his suitcase in his haste to get through the airport. "What?" she shrugged when I looked at her, "Isn't that how they act around here? Don't take shit from anyone?" she shifted her bag onto her other shoulder.

"But Chicago?" Toya scrunched her face up, "I do remember Mickie making a promise to treat us to a trip to New York. What's so great about Chicago?"

As if on cue, I glimpsed a familiar face through the throng of people. A second later Phil's gaze landed on me and he offered me his signature sarcastic smirk.

"Because I wanted to visit Punk, and unlike my diva friends apparently, Kate actually likes him. Which is a surprise in and of itself because no one likes Punk."

"You always see him," Toya felt the need to point out.

"I do not!" I exclaimed, "In case you've forgotten he quit a few months ago. I got used to being on the road with him again and then the dumbass goes and walks out of the company."

"Still haven't let that go, James?" Phil said as I'd made sure he heard my words. He pulled me into his arms. "Hey buddy," he greeted me, and I squeezed him tightly. "Nope," he said and when I looked up at him questioningly he elaborated, "I've spent the last couple hours wondering if the three months since I last saw you was too long, but nope, it hasn't been long enough."

I punched him but laughed, and then he greeted the other two and was leading us through the airport. Toya and Kate only had overnight bags, but of course I had my trusty suitcase from Wrestlemania weekend that I needed to get back home to St. Louis to unpack and then repack so I could head back out on the road.

When Kate insisted we get out and do something fun, my mind immediately jumped to Phil and the fact that I hadn't seen him in what felt like forever. And I'd missed him. Of course I'd missed him. When he quit back in January, it had taken me by surprise. Not that I was surprised that his increasing frustration seemed to hit a boiling point, but a surprise that suddenly he wasn't such a big part of my life anymore, especially on top of losing Randy. Suffice to say, it hadn't been a good month.

"How was the flight?" he asked as we stepped out the doors. I breathed in the fresh air, and felt suddenly invigorated. I'd slept very little lately, so I was irritable the entire flight, but somehow being here, outdoors, made me feel infinitely better.

"Awful. Toya complained the entire trip because she wanted to be on a flight to New York."

Punk scoffed, "You insult me," he said to her, "There's no better city than Chicago."

"That's what I told her," I said with a tone of mock superiority, "Besides, we have an official tour guide, and don't sell Chicago short, some of the best times I've had have been in this city."

"With yours truly, of course," Phil said.

Toya scoffed, "I never would have guessed that. Mickie's been whining about wanting to see you, but honestly that never makes sense to me because she's always complaining nonstop about how much you annoy her and what a jackass you are."

Phil slowed down a touch and turned to grin at me, wrapping an arm around my shoulders, "You're always saying the nicest things about me, James."

"What can I say, I have a way with words," I shrugged nonchalantly.

"That's what I've always loved about you," he squeezed me gently and then released me, "One of your few redeeming qualities."

I rolled my eyes and then shoved him but he smiled down at me and in that smile I saw all the things that we never said to each other, the things that were unspoken. How much we cared for one another, how much value we placed on our friendship, and that despite the grief we constantly gave each other, there wasn't ever going to be a time where we weren't going to be there when one of us needed it. And that's what this little getaway was about, spending time with the three people outside of my parents that had had my back longer than anyone else in my entire world. And while things hadn't worked out with Randy, this was a huge reminder that I had other people in my life I valued just as much – and that was what life was about. I had so much to be thankful for in my world, I wanted to make sure that I never forgot that.