Tiniest Notion
What do you do when your first love dies and your other girl leaves you?Drink until you can't feel your legs. It's a shame that I'm not that type, I opt for talking to a girl I barely know instead. Most of our conversation I've either cried or talked about Jessica, right now I'm doing both.
"I didn't deserve her or Aiden" Chelsea stares sadly at me. "I cheated on my girlfriend. She was everything to me and she died thinking I didn't love her. I risked my future for some coward girl"
"Spencer really isn't that bad" I scoff at her and wiggle around in my seat.
"How did you meet Clay?" I know it's completely off topic, but I can't stand talking about everything bad in my life. Chelsea beams and I prepare myself for storytelling.
"You know about the Carlin grant? Where they send one aspiring artist to Europe?"
"Yeah"
"Well I won it one year, after…" She frowns a bit, most likely debating on telling me what I already know.
"Carmen", I finish. She shakes her head up and continues.
"Clay dropped wine on one of my favorite pieces, at my art show" I find myself holding back a giggle. "I watched him as he fumbled to hide it and then when I confronted him he practically offered to buy all my pieces. Somewhere in between his overuse of the word sorry and his flailing hands, I became interested. We made an agreement that he would take me out to dinner, in return for destroying my work. Then he would apologize profusely over strawberry cheesecake" She laughs out loud and I join in. "At the end of our first date, before the kiss, he presented me with a sculpture similar to mines, but very crappy" This does nothing to stop my laughter. "He said he wanted to try to make me a new one and if I didn't like it he could pay someone to make one. I thought it was so cute that I just had to kiss him" She sighs and leans back in her seat. "I love him so much; he's not like other guys where he stops being sweet after the first date. He continues to pursue even though he already has me. That's the thing about the Carlin kids, they're impossible to resist" I look away from Chelsea and suddenly become interested in my coffee. "But you already know that"
"Is it wrong that I'm still torn?" I speak softly. "That even though my girlfriend is dead, I still can't choose in between grieving and getting Spencer back, even though I never technically had her"
"Give yourself some time Ashley" She puts a comforting hand on my shoulder. "Get over one thing before you start tackling another. Spencer will be back, I swear to you, but when she comes, don't you want to be ready for her?" I slide out of the booth and Chelsea repeats my action. We stand face to face before I attack her with a hug. She holds me for a few minutes and then I pull away.
"Thanks for everything"
"No problem hun" I walk out of the diner and over to Spencer's car. I get the surprise of a lifetime when I see her car gone and my car in its place.
"How in the hell?"
"Tow truck brought your car, took Spencer's" I look behind me and see Madison. "Just trying to make life easier on you" She walks over to me and holds out her hand. I drop Spencer's keys in them and she clasps them tightly. "Do me a favor?"
"Okay" I figure I can trust her.
"Spend ten minutes in your car before driving away. I want you to just sit there, by yourself" I stare at her in confusion, but she smiles in return. "Saves you the trouble of having to pull over later" I say a thank you before walking over to my car. I get in and put the key in the ignition, but I don't turn the car or make any effort to move like I promised Madison. After five minutes of nothing happening I start to think that Madison is crazy and turn on my car. I fumble in my car for a CD and find one by the passenger's side. My eyes don't even glance at the title as I put it into the player.
Aim, snap, fall
The bitter wind weaved its way
Through the tree so tall
Colors invading sight
I think I found my new addiction tonight
I pull the lever on the side of my seat to let it down some. I place my hands over my face and run them up through my hair.
The phone call
Left me paralyzed from the waist down
The pureness of it all
Before I know it, there is a fresh batch of tears streaming down my face. I must look crazy to the outside viewer.
And then your siren begins to sing
Some girl who started her engine and started crying.
I know this may be redundant
But I think it bares repeating
Then again, they wouldn't know that this is Jessica's CD. The Spill Canvas was her favorite band and this CD was her favorite.
I think I've found my better half
I swear I found my better half
My car door opens and Madison leans in the opening, holding her belly.
"Carmen was my best friend", she starts. "When the doctor told us that she was brain dead and there was nothing else they could do" I'm still crying, but Madison is rubbing my leg. "When they confirmed my fear that she was gone for good, I cried. Although her body is still around, Carmen is gone this thought settled in and I kept crying until I was positive I was done. So I got in my car and drove around, intending to go home. Halfway through the drive my phone rang and I picked up my phone. It was Spencer calling and I had set my phone so when someone calls a picture pops up" She takes a brief pause. "It was a picture of Spencer and Carmen, one of the cutest ones of them I'd say"
I think I've found my better half
I swear I found my better half
"So what happened?" I manage to say though my sobs. She reaches over me and turns off the car.
"The tears came down so hard that I had to pull over" She smiles at me and wipes my tears. "I don't know if anybody told you this, but its okay. Not the situation you're in, but the way you react to it… is okay"
"Are all you Carlins this nice?" I attempt to joke.
"Only when we see someone as lost as we are" She closes the door and I turn on the car to roll down the window. Madison leans in the window and I sit up in my seat. "Go home, try to sleep, and if things seem unbearable tomorrow, ask Amy for a ride"
"I can drive myself home"
"No one said anything about your house" She reaches in and pats my shoulder before walking away.
/
About an hour later I'm walking into my house. I try to sneak in, but when I reach the stairs, long and behold, there she was. She has her head in her hands and I lean against the wall because this seems like it might take awhile.
"Your father was the love of my life", she starts. "That man was it for me, I knew it from the moment I heard him sing" I scoff and she looks up at me with unshed tears in her eyes. "I don't care if you believe me Ashley" She points to herself. "I know that I loved your father, I loved him" She shakes her head. "So I know how you feel with Jesse"
"You are not allowed to call her that", I seethe. "You don't know because you're the one who pulled dad's plug" My mother chuckles with anger.
"Do you honestly think I wanted him dead? Do you think that little of me?" She takes a pause, seemingly collecting herself. "Everyday Ashley, everyday I wish it was me instead of him. That man was an amazing husband and father. Pulling that plug was the hardest thing I ever had to do in my life, but I had no choice. I was not going to let your father wilt away in a damn hospital that is not what he wanted"
"Spencer hasn't pulled the plug on her fiancée" I know she doesn't know who Spencer is, but I continue. "She is keeping her alive on a machine because when you love somebody you do whatever it takes to keep them around" I'm getting emotional and my cracking voice proves that.
"That's where you have it half wrong" She stands up. "Yes, when you love somebody you do whatever it takes to keep them, but you also have to know when to let go. Sometimes… you have to let go, it takes a strong person to let go of someone they love. Tell me this, is this Spencer strong?" It takes me a minute to think back on everything I know about Spencer. She's a twenty year old who spends most of her time hiding. She holds on to her brain dead fiancée which seems to cause trouble with her family. I guess Spencer wasn't the best example. "Is the way Spencer is… how you want me to be?" I picture my mother behaving like Spencer. Although, I'm sure Spencer is a great parent, I wouldn't want my mother like that. "I'm sorry angel, I'm so sorry about how I treated that poor girl. It's just her mother was my best friend and I let my anger for Abigail leaving cloud my judgment. I can't apologize enough for treating that girl so badly… for treating you so badly for loving her. I know you loved her like I loved your father. I promise to be a better parent, if you promise to let me" I gaze into my mother's eyes, somewhere in those tears I see the mother I loved before my father died.
"Don't leave me", I plead. My mother rushes to hug me and holds me, running her fingers through my hair. In the same way Jessica had done so many times to comfort me.
"Never Angel"
/
There are a lot of people I thought I would end up needing Kyla, Aiden, Spencer, and Jessica. Never in my years of living did I think I would need my mother. We've been sitting on the couch and I've been asking her questions of anything that pops to mind.
"Do you want me to go to the funeral with you? I heard that it's going to be on Thursday", she speaks softly.
"I'm not sure if I should go, Aiden hates me" My mother face contorts in bewilderment.
"Aiden is your best friend sweetie" She rubs my arm and I find myself falling asleep. "That boy could never be mad at you, plus your sister is going"
"She's Aiden's girlfriend, that's different"
"What happened to Kyle? Kyle and Kyla I thought that was cute"
"Now its Aiden and Kyla, which I have to admit is cuter" I look up at my mother who seems off in her own world.
"I knew that boy was in love with her. Ever since that day he went after Kyla's bracelet that fell in the deep end of the pool, knowing he couldn't swim in that deep yet"
"Yeah he spent the whole day in the pool, wouldn't let anyone get it" He finally got the offending jewelry around eight o clock at night. His whole body looked pruny, but Kyla thanked him with a hug and a kiss on the cheek. You never saw such a big smile on a nine year old. "Mom"
"Hmm"
"I wish I was six, before all the bad stuff happened" I sit up and my mother hugs me.
"I know sweetie" We hear the front door close and Kyla walks in and freezes at the sight of us. I break apart from my mom and we both stare at Kyla.
"Does this mean we're going to be okay?" she asks. Me and my mother look at each other before looking back at Kyla.
"Yes honey" My mother starts "We're going to be fine" Kyla hugs her self and walks over to us. She hugs our mother then me and for once since Dad died we feel like a family.
/
I'm lying in bed, staring at green eyes that are looking just as intense as ever. Both of us are lying on our sides with our hands flat under our heads. She mouths the word hi to me and I do the same back.
"You can't stay here", she whispers. "This is a dream and soon you'll have to join the real world"
"The real world doesn't have you" She lets out a chuckle and shakes her head.
"It has Spencer though" My face frowns up at the mention of the blonde.
"This is a no Spencer zone so no talking about her. It is only me and you right now, no one else"
"It's your dream, if I mention her it's because you're thinking of her" She takes her hands and makes fake quotations. "In our "just us" time"
"Okay, okay, I'm sorry"
"It's fine Ashes. I'm dead remember?" My face frowns up again. "But it's not your fault, there is someone else to blame" The shock is evident on my face, but all Jessica does is strokes my cheek with her fingers. "How is life?"
"Horrible"
"Ashes", she threatens.
"It's been a couple of days since me and mom became fixed. Your funeral is tomorrow", I murmur the last part.
"Are you going?"
"Is that even a question?"
"I wasn't sure, you seem so wrapped up in trying to keep my alive. I wasn't sure if you were ready for the truth"
"They are excusing everyone who wishes to go from school tomorrow"
"Figures" Jessica pecks my lips and gets off of the bed. She heads over to the window and opens it.
"Don't go" Jessica sighs to herself.
"You know our rule Ashes" I nod knowingly. She puts her leg out of the window and sits in the opening for a minute.
"Why do you always go out of the window?" Every time I come into this dreamland she leaves the same way. She smiles and giggles like I just told the funniest joke.
"I always leave this way silly" She is almost out of the window when I call out her name.
"Jesse" She pokes her head back in. "I love you" I both say and sign.
"I love you too", she responds. She climbs out of the window and my eyes flutter open, leaving my dream world.
I check the clock and it reads nine o' clock. Jessica's funeral is at eleven. I get up and sit at the edge of my bed, my eyes look towards my window to discover it is still open. Since that night I told Kyla to leave the window open nobody has bothered to touch it.
"Hey sis" I look to my right to see Kyla in my doorway.
"Hi", I mumble.
"Aiden asked me to ride with him and his father to the funeral, but I didn't want to go if you wanted me to leave with you" Kyla is a very considerate person and that's one of the traits I admire about her.
"Go with Aiden, he needs you"
"You sure?" I shake my head up and down. Kyla walks over to me and hugs me tightly. "I'm here for you sis" I repeat my earlier motion and she walks out of the room. It becomes so quiet in my room that I can hear the wind through my window. I close my eyes and fall into another memory.
(Flashback Three Years Ago)
A fourteen year old Jessica pulls a resistant me towards the Ferris wheel line. We've been here for a couple hours and the whole time she's been begging me to get on the Ferris wheel. I'm not a fan of heights so I've been telling her no, but now I'm letting her have her way. I take in her appearance and she drags me. She's wearing a jean skirt and a green tank top. I told her to take a sweater, but she said it would mess up her outfit. I chose to wear ripped jeans, a Beatles shirt, and a grey hoodie. She attracted most of the guy's attention though. Even though Jessica and I were holding hands and kissing they still saw the need to ask if she was single. I honestly believe it's her eyes, they we're piercing. If you weren't ready they would surprise you and cause all body functions to cease.
"How many tickets is it?" Jessica asks the attendant. He doesn't bother looking at her, he just points to a sign that reads five tickets each. I hand him ten tickets and he pulls a lever that rotates the Ferris wheel. Jessica pulls me towards the seats and sits down, but I hesitate.
"What's wrong?" Jessica asks with concern.
"I don't want to die without telling my family I love them" She shakes her head and pulls me down on the seat. We get locked in and the guy pulls the same lever and before I know it we're moving.
"Oh my god Ashes, can you believe this view?" She asks when we stop and the seats rock a little.
"Yeah it's amazing", I say quickly. Jessica giggles and rubs my thigh.
"Babe"
"Yes"
"How can you see the view with your eyes closed?" Her giggling continues, but even louder.
"My eyes aren't closed; I'm just taking a very long blink." I feel her hand grab mines and her thumb rubs soothing circles on the back of my hand.
"Ashes…" she pleads.
"What if I fall?"
"I'll catch you"
"What if you can't?" I hear her hum to herself, most likely thinking of an answer.
"Then we'll both fall" I open my eyes and laugh.
"That's sweet… in a morbid kind of way" Jessica takes my hand and pulls it behind her so my arm is around her. I take this as my cue and I pull her closer to me.
"You were right"
"Hmm" I mumble.
"I should have brought a jacket" I pull away from her and take off my sweater to hand to her. She takes it and puts it on herself before snuggling back into me.
"Ashley"
(Flashback Ends)
I am broken out of my memory by my mother's voice. My eyes snap open and I look to my bedroom door. I take in my mother's appearance; she is wearing a black strap dress with black heels. One thing I've never been able to grasp is the idea of wearing black to a funeral. I know it's supposed to show respect or mourning, but who decided this. Who was the person that said if you didn't wear this depressing color that you didn't miss or respect the person that died? At my dad's funeral everyone was forbidden to wear all black. My father was all about celebrating life so that's what we did. His funeral was kind of like a huge goodbye party; my dad would have loved it. I wore his Purple Venom vest, the name of his band, over my black tank top and light jeans. Jessica and Aiden also sported Purple Venom vests; it was our thing to him.
"You should get ready dear" She strolls over to me and takes a seat beside me. "What are you going to wear? You have that nice black dress grandma sent you last year"
"I'm not wearing all black, Mom"
"But Ashley…"
"No" I cut her off. "That's not what she would have wanted" My mother nods her head and walks over to my closet and pulls out articles of clothing. She goes to my drawers and pulls out something else.
"She would like that", she says before leaving my room. I look at the outfit she selected and smile to myself.
/
About an hour later I'm fully dressed. I'm wearing a black tank top and the Purple Venom vest that never fit me as a child, but now fits perfectly. I chose my nicest skirt to try to dress it up. My mother is waiting patiently downstairs when I come down.
"Kyla left?" I question.
"Yes, I had to practically force her out. She felt so bad about leaving you" I saunter over to her and she puts a comforting arm around my shoulders. "Ready to go?"
"No, but it's now or never"
Funerals have the scariest silence you will ever hear. It's the type of silence that shouldn't exist because it doesn't seem humane. I can hear the grass squish under my feet as I climb up the small hill with my mother. We walk towards a group in black and a preacher near a casket. I smile to myself when I see Aiden also wearing his vest.
"Looks like you're still best friends to me", my mother whispers in my ear. I watch as Aiden fixes pictures on a stand and places Jessica's Purple Venom vest over the coffin. When I get closer I am shocked to see some of the pictures have me in them. The beach picture, their Christmas picture and a picture of Jessica and me alone is all present. Mr. Dennison is taking sips out of a hidden flask. I grimace at the idea of him being drunk. My mother walks ahead of me, but I stay back. I'm suddenly uneasy; the fear that Aiden doesn't want me here is creeping into my mind. It paralyzes me and keeps me from joining the rest of the people. I decide to stay away, but within hearing distance. There is a tree nearby so I opt to lean against it and watch.
"Welcome everyone, we gather here today to celebrate the life of Miss Jessica Dennison. She was taken from us too young and this angel will be dearly missed", the preacher starts. "She was a sweet and gentle soul, a key part of the Dennison family. Her father remembers her as his princess" I try to keep from scoffing. "I say we all thank God for the time we did get with his angel" A few sniffles can be heard from what I'm guessing is Jessica's father's side of the family. "Jessica Dennison loved her family and most importantly her girlfriend Ashley" Aiden looks behind him and our eyes meet for one second and I see my friend, who's just hurting. He looks back ahead and Kyla places a consoling hand on his shoulder. I feel someone watching me and turn to my right to see fleeing blond hair. Curiosity gets the best of me and I chase after the girl. When I catch my heart sinks a little because it isn't the blond I was hoping for.
"Hey Amy" Tears are falling down her face and she sniffs before wiping them away.
"She told me to stay away and I was, but she was my friend. I had to say goodbye, I just had to" Then she does the unexpected and leans into me. Sobs rack her body as she clings to my vest. I wrap my arms around her and just hold her, consoling her like I knew Jessica would want me to. "I'm sorry Ashley, I'm sorry; I didn't mean to hurt you two"
"Shh", I coo. I find myself whispering words of kindness into her ear. We break apart when people start passing us by. Amy mouths a thank you and walks away from me, like this moment didn't just happen. I feel a hand on my shoulder and turn around to see Kyla. She nods her head towards Aiden who is alone standing in front of Jessica's coffin. I comprehend what she's saying and walk towards him.
"I never told you this, but you were all that I needed" I hear him talk to his sister, as he rubs his hand on the casket. "There aren't enough words to describe how grateful I am that I got you as a sister. For seventeen years I had you, you took care of me, you loved me, and you were the only family I ever needed, besides Ashley" He lets out a weak laugh. "Dad says it'll be the same as it was with mom. He said that day by day I'll forget little things. Your face, your voice, just you all together" I watch as tears slowly cascade down his cheek. "I don't want to forget you sis. I'm so afraid that one day I'll wake up and not remember you no matter how hard I try. I want to remember you as if you were still here. I've slept in your room every night just to be able to smell you. It fades though, the scent, and one day it won't be there at all. What do I do then?"
"You have your memories" I interrupt. Aiden doesn't move when I place my hand in his and link our fingers. "They give you comfort along with certain people. I guess that's probably why losing my dad didn't hurt as much as this, I had Jessica and you" Aiden lets go of my hand and walks over to the other side of the coffin.
"Mr. Dennison we have to lower the body". The groundskeeper comes out of nowhere and speaks up. Aiden nods his head and the two of us watch as they lower the body. "Are you sure you want to leave the vest?" he questions. Aiden once again shakes his head they continue to crank the lever until her coffin reaches the end of the grave. My eyes burn with tears and it takes everything in me not to jump in there with her. Aiden takes a couple of steps to a mound of dirt and grabs a handful. He goes over to the grave, looks into the hole, and drops the sand.
"I love you Jesse, I wish I would have actually spoken it" He dusts off his hands and gives me one final look before walking away. Kyla waits for him under the tree and he gives one more glance behind him, towards me. It doesn't last long as his head looks forward again. He reaches Kyla and she embraces him before they both walk off together. When they leave my sight I walk over to the same mound of dirt and take a seat on the side of her grave.
"Can I have just a few minutes?" The groundskeeper appears as if he is going to deny my request so I add, "Please?" He shakes his head and walks away. I take the dirt and sprinkle it into the grave. "It wasn't supposed to be like this. We were supposed to get runaway and get married remember? We were supposed to go somewhere where no one could find us, but Aiden. We were going to have a family with two kids. I was going to play my music while you painted portraits of me. It was going to be me and you forever Jesse" I sniff and my voice gets shakier. "You aren't supposed to be here. Jesse I swear I love you and I'll say it a million times if you come back. I swear I will never hurt you again and we can go back to the old us, pop rocks and all. I'll watch Fried Green Tomatoes until we wear the movie out. I'll read the book to you until the pages fall out, then I'll staple them back together and keep reading" A moment passes where I say nothing at all and I can feel the wind blowing through my hair. The groundskeeper is on his way back so I kiss my hand and place my hand on her tombstone. I trace her name on the tombstone. "There is this guy, Orlando Battista, he was an author I guess, I don't know. He once said that the greatest weakness of most humans is their hesitancy to tell others how much they love them while they're still alive. I really wish that I would have told you everyday" I take a pause to collect myself before finishing. "Because in case you were wondering, you are everything to me", I quote one of her favorite Spill Canvas songs. I then proceed to get up and dust myself off. "What are they doing with the pictures?" I ask the groundskeeper.
"The boy said he wanted to leave them for a couple of days", he says with a shrug. I give a low thank you and walk back over to the parking lot. The biggest surprise is my mother's car isn't in the lot; the only car left is Amy's Expedition, with Amy leaning against it. I walk over to her and notice her face has turned a shade of red, most likely from her crying.
"I hope you don't mind, I told your mom that I'd take you home" I'm skeptic at first and she notices. "I'm sorry; you just look like you need a friend or something" When I don't say anything she speaks again. "Because I could use one myself"
"Okay", I weakly respond. She presses the unlock button on her keys and I go to the passenger side of the car. I'm not use to such big car so I have some trouble, but I do get in. Amy chuckles a little and it is similar to Spencer's laugh. She starts the car and backs out of her parking spot.
"My family is having a dinner" She says while turning the wheel to straighten out the tires. "My parents feel the family should be together and be there for me, minus Spencer. She has her own ways of being there for me" Amy drives to the exit of the parking lot and looks both ways before turning. "I was wondering if you wanted to join us even though Spencer won't be there"
"Sounds good", I mumble. I stare out the window and watch the scenery as it passes by. "Where is the blindfold?" I turn to face Amy and she looks confused.
"Ashley don't you think it's a little too early in our friendship for kinky talk?" I crack a smile for the first time all day.
"Spencer always blindfolded me" Amy appears in thought while she stares ahead.
"She probably didn't want you to know where my parents live"
"Why is that?" Amy takes a quick glance my way.
"Because she lives next door" I'm in shock at that news, but then again it seems like something Spencer would do.
"Why the blindfold though?" I see a smirk present on Amy's face.
"If you knew where she lived, what would stop you from showing up randomly to talk? This way she gets to keep some kind of boundaries"
"So why aren't you blindfolding me?"
"I'm not Spencer"