Ch 25.

There was no such thing as enough time. There was never enough time to relish the beautiful nor enough time to absorb the ugly, to move on. She never understood how people did it.

April 3, 2001

Alexandra

Abbie knelt on the tile floor beside her, a hand on her knee. "Alex, sweetie," Abbie purred, rubbing her thumb over the prosecutor's skin. "We didn't think this was going to be easy, for either of you. It's okay to feel upset. Just talk to me."

Alex drew herself tighter on the toilet as she huddled. It was where she had fled after telling Nataliya they were related, and Abbie had followed, hot on her heels. After a few minutes, Alex relaxed her legs, dropping them, her hands folded in her lap as she stared blankly. She felt both everything and nothing all at once. Mostly, she felt afraid, afraid of both rejection and acceptance.

"There you go," Abbie murmured. "What's going on inside that head of yours?"

"What if I'm a disappointment?" Alex whispered. "I'm not Sofiya. I'm not the child that was lost. I'm not even Rivka. Not anymore. I mean, I was those people once, but I lost them. How am I supposed to be them?"

"You don't, Alex," Abbie answered. "You be yourself. Whoever and whatever that is."

"I don't know who I am," Alex answered, her voice soft. She chewed on the inside of her cheek, fighting the overwhelming sense of drowning. Everything seemed to be coming together too quickly for her, things were happening inside of her head before she even had the time to identify what they were, let alone process them. But, at the core of everything, that one statement rung out. She had no idea who she was, and the level of hopelessness that came with was akin to being thrown into the middle of the deepest, coldest sea. She was drowning.

The bathroom door opened softly, and Alex watched as Abbie leaned back to check on who it was. Alex already knew. She knew the sound of those footsteps like she knew the sound of air through her own lungs. "Olivia," she whispered softly.

"Hey," the detective murmured. Abbie stood, moving away as Olivia traded her places, kneeling beside the blonde. Alex had told Abbie about her developing emotional response to Olivia, confessing to her friend about their sexual relationship, especially once it had become clear that Olivia would be spending more time at Alex's apartment than her own.

"I'm sorry," Alex whispered.

"What for, baby?" Olivia murmured. "You've done nothing wrong."

"I'm a disappointment."

Olivia pulled Alex's hair back from her face, pushing it to all fall over her opposite shoulder. "You're anything but," Olivia whispered. "You have this amazing soul, Alex. You put your heart into everything I have ever seen you do. You're passionate, intelligent, driven. Alex, there is nothing about you that someone wouldn't be proud to know and even more proud to be related to."

"Thank you, Liv," Alex whispered, pressing her face into the detective's hand. "You always seem to know what to say."

Olivia pressed her fingers against Alex's lips, pressing her own lips against her fingers. Alex pulled Olivia's hand from between them, kissing the detective softly. "Thank you for being my rock through all of this." Alex wrapped her arms around Olivia.

"I couldn't imagine being anything else for anyone else," Olivia chuckled softly. "Are you ready to talk to Nataliya?"

Alex nodded, standing with some help from the detective, her legs stiff from being coiled so tightly. Abbie quietly handed her a damp paper towel. "Thanks," Alex whispered, taking the cloth and wiping her tear stained face.

She led the way back to her office, her stomach still in knots. Nataliya was sitting on the couch, Helen beside her, talking softly about tourist attractions in New York. As Alex pushed the door open, Nat looked up at her with a soft, hesitant smile, and Alex realized that the woman on the couch had to be just as terrified of rejection as Alex was.

Quietly, Helen stood, and Alex sat down in her place. The other women in the office stepped out giving the two women privacy. "Hi," she said, rolling her lips through her teeth. "I'm sorry I took off."

"Sorry I started crying," Nataliya said. "I never thought – I always thought you would be dead."

"I almost was," Alex answered, picking at the skin on the sides of her nails. "The men who took me, they would have eventually killed me except for the fact that the police found me. It was lucky. I was lucky."

"I am sorry I did not protect you," Nataliya said. "Olivia said you forgot."

Alex nodded. "Um, I was beaten so badly I forgot everything. I think, I think meeting you brought some of it back." She swallowed, her chest tightening.

"Sorry," Nat said, hanging her head.

Quickly, the attorney shook her head, switching to the Russian that was more natural to the woman she was talking to. "No, Taliya. No. I am so grateful. It hurts. I have not had nightmares in years, and I am having them almost every night now. But, I am so glad. I know where I come from. And, watching you do everything in your power to find your sister – me, find me – I know I am wanted where I come from."

Nat smiled. "More than anything." She reached over and touched her fingers to Alex's cheek. "You are so beautiful." She pressed her lips together before she smiled again. "Are you mad at me?"

"No," Alex answered, shaking her head, switching back to English as her emotional response made thinking in other languages more difficult. "Nat, why would I be mad at you?"

"You never would have questioned it. You would have assumed your birth parents did not want you. You would not hurt."

Alex pushed the tears away from the other woman's cheeks. "But, I wouldn't have ever known, and, Nat, that is pain. It's a different kind of pain. I had grown accustomed to that pain. There's this new pain, yes. But, the old pain, it's going away. The new pain will, too."

Nataliya nodded. "I always knew I would be grateful to find you. I never thought I would feel so elated." The dark haired woman smiled. "It's so – I knew you before I knew you were my sister. I wondered why we got along so well."

Beaming, Alex wrapped her arm around Nataliya's shoulder, resting her head against the woman. Nataliya laughed, returning the awkward hug. For several minutes, the two women just laughed, the laughter devolving into tears, a sort of catharsis.

When those finally subsided, they uncurled from each other, Alex bit her lip, chewing at the dry skin. "Nat, um, when, when it's okay with you, can I ask – can I ask you some questions?"

"What do you want to know?" she asked.

Alex smoothed her skirt over her thighs. "Uh, when's, when were we born? I've never known."

Nataliya's brow pinched. "In May, uh, -" She muttered English numbers under her breath, searching for the right one. "Nine. May nine. We are twenty nine this year."

Chuckling, Alex shook her head. "I just got nine months younger," she murmured, shaking her head. "What's your favourite colour?"

Nataliya smiled. "Orange," she answered. "Like the sunrise. What is yours?"

For hours, the two women talked, catching up over twenty three years of missed interaction. The next thing Alex knew, it was dark outside, but it was the knock on her office door that made her aware of the time. "Oh," Alex murmured, staring at the clock. "I'm so sorry."

"For what?" Nataliya asked, shaking her head. "This is more than I ever hoped."

Standing Alex opened the door, smiling as she saw Olivia on the other side of the heavy wood slab, two bags of take out in her hands and a tray of drinks. "When you didn't come home, I figured you two got lost in conversation."

Nataliya's brow furrowed. "You two, you live together?" she asked.

Flushing, Alex stepped back. "Olivia's been helping me cope. I haven't wanted to be alone for a while, and then, the assault I told you about -" She switched to Russian. "The men on the pier who pushed me down. The ones I thought were going to -"

Nataliya nodded. "So, you do not live together?"

"For now, we do," Alex said. "Until I can cope."

"Oh," Nat said. She bit her lip as she toyed with the sleeve of her shirt. "Um, are you gay?"

Alex froze, her stomach constricting again. Slowly, she focused on controlling her movements as she placed the bag she had taken from Olivia on her desk. She could see the detective's eyes flickering between the two of them. Licking her lips, Alex turned to Nataliya. Despite the fact that her adoptive parents had apparently long suspected her sexual preference, she had never come out formally to anyone. Her relationship with Olivia had blossomed. There had been no conversation about sexuality. It had just happened, and both women had let their relationship take the lead after fighting it to no success. The two of them had never actually had the conversation about their independent sexualities, though Alex did know Olivia was bisexual.

When Alex was able to catch her breath, she licked her lips. "I am," she answered. Her eyes darted to Olivia. "Olivia and I – we are dating." Every muscle in her body felt tense. Throughout her high school and college years, she had dated men, but it had never been right, and she had known it for so long. She was more concerned about her public appearance, especially with the political pull her adoptive family boasted.

"Oh," Nataliya said, shuffling her feet. She tugged at her shirt sleeve again. "I really have to go." She stood and bolted for the door, Olivia stepping out of her way.

"Wait," Alex said, running after the woman. "Nat?"

"I am so sorry," Nat said as she turned at the stairs. "I have to go."