Chapter 25
The tray of food lay now almost empty on the bedside table. Color had returned to Tauriel's cheeks, and she looked healthy and strong.
Thranduil had been quietly sitting close to her while she was eating, watching her in silence – reverence even. He would allow her to take all the time she needed until she was ready to talk about her unique experience.
And now ready she was, as she leaned back against the bed's headboard and sought his embrace. He immediately complied, pulling her tenderly into his arms and dropping a feathery kiss on the top of her head.
"Are you feeling alright, meleth nin?" he murmured against her hair.
"Yes, I am feeling alive again, and for that I am glad beyond measure. While lost in that world beyond, I feared I may never wake", she replied in a low voice.
"Do you wish to speak of it?" he asked her, while his long fingers threaded in her soft tresses.
"Yes, I wish to tell you everything. But first I wish to look at you and kiss you, Thranduil", she told him fervently as she turned her eyes to his and shifted in his embrace, coming to face him.
His gaze flickered with emotion at her words, and he brought his palm to cup her cheek, softly running his thumb along her cheekbone.
Tauriel mirrored his move, and traced with her fingers the outline of his face, letting them slide towards his ear and beneath it, where they sought to rest at the nape of his neck.
Thranduil leaned closer and bent his head over hers, slightly tilting it to the side, so that his lips met hers in a light brush, not wishing to rush anything but relish every moment.
She was holding her breath, shivering with excitement and anticipation, until at last he sealed his lips with hers and she surrendered her whole existence to his kiss. The kiss was slow, languid and deep, allowing the two lovers to remember and rediscover each other.
Feelings of love and longing flowed between them in warm waves and washed their spirits clean of worry and doubt. Tauriel brought her arms around Thranduil, urging him to be closer to her still. He willingly complied and enclosed her in his strong embrace. She felt cherished and protected in his arms, and rested her head on his shoulder with a sigh, while a single tear ran down her cheek. He kissed her temple and softly caressed her back, providing her with much-needed comfort.
"I have missed you, Thranduil… love of my heart", she whispered to him in a broken voice.
"And I you, meleth nin. I died a million times when you fell unconscious in my arms, and you would not wake up for days since", he responded in a sorrowful tone.
She drew a little back then, and looked at his face closely. It was only now that she realized how pale and drawn he looked and how colorless his lips were, how the hollows beneath his cheekbones had become deeper and his gaze fatigued and shadowed. A frown of worry descended upon her brow and she softly pushed back a stray strand of his silver hair.
"And during all these days, you were here by my side, sleepless, restless and worried, exhausting yourself to your limits, no doubt", Tauriel concluded.
He sighed and averted his eyes. "I belonged nowhere else but where my heart was", he whispered.
The depths of her eyes trembled. "I would not have you give up your own life for mine, ever", she cried in a hushed tone.
"But this is what love is all about: sacrifice", he told her and looked at her, his eyes two bottomless wells of love and longing.
Tauriel then remembered Lothrin's words: when you love someone, Tauriel, their life matters to you far more than your own, the white lady had told her, and now she heard the same from Thranduil. A soft gasp escaped her lips, and a tear fell from her eye.
"You truly love me, deeply and unconditionally, beyond reason and doubt", she spoke in a shaky voice, and it was a realization, a statement, and not a question.
Touched by her words, he nodded before speaking in a tone that resembled hers. "I do, Tauriel".
"Then my heart is glad, because this is how I love you as well, and I have been a fool to allow doubt to take root between us. But I have learned my lessons, and I will not make the same mistakes twice", she told him firmly, and brought her hand to caress his face again.
"My sweet love, do not mourn for past decisions. The greatest fault lies with me. I will not forgive myself for succumbing to the darkness inside me and behaving despicably towards you", he spoke mournfully.
"No, Thranduil. You would not have reacted thus, had I not pushed you to the limits of your patience by doubting and belittling your love for me. I let jealousy for the love you hold for your late wife creep inside my heart and rule my mind. I should have known better. I should have known you better", Tauriel said in a steady and fervent tone.
The inquisitive look on his face prompted her to speak further.
"No longer will I compare the feelings you hold for Lothrin with your feelings for me. For I have been shown much during my days of slumber, and much I have come to understand. Will you listen now? For I wish to tell you everything that happened. I may have seemed like an empty and unresponsive shell to you, but in truth my fea was wandering and experiencing marvels", she told him with a shimmer in her bright eyes.
"Yes, Tauriel, I will listen to everything you have to say", he replied and watched her face as its expression changed.
She took a deep breath and allowed memories to flood her mind before she began her narration.
"In a vast and snow-covered plain I was wandering, and there was a sunless grey sky above. There was neither day or night to follow each other in succession, but a timeless constancy of things. Alone I was and lost, until a voice spoke to me in the wind. It was the voice of your wife, Thranduil", she began, and her words were met with a surprised look on his face.
"You mean to say Lothrin visited you in your dreams?"
"Yes. By leave of the Valar Mandos and Irmo she came and contacted me, as this grey zone between life and death was the only place she could speak to me", Tauriel replied.
"Then this state of yours had truly been a work of the Valar, as Elrond had said… And it happened so that my wife could deliver her message to you", the Elvenking inferred with a look of awe upon him.
"Yes, I have come to think so myself, although Lothrin had little knowledge of the workings and purposes of the Valar. Perhaps the Feanturi allowed this favor to her aggrieved and shattered fea as an act of leniency and mercy, but I cannot speak for certain", the elleth commented thoughtfully.
"There is always purpose to the workings of the Valar", Thranduil said, but then his gaze became sorrowful and dropped, the steadiness of his voice faltering as he spoke. "How was she in your dreams, Tauriel? Is she in pain and regret?"
"Oh Thranduil…" she breathed and touched his chin lightly, inviting his gaze to meet hers. Her heart went out for his pain, and this time she felt no jealousy or doubt. "She was very beautiful, unfathomably so… Tall and blue-eyed, with hair as white as the purest winter snow. Her face was gentle and loving, her voice like the softest velvet and compassionate, her touch soothing like balm", she described her vision of the white lady to him.
"Oh Lothrin, my snow-crowned Queen…" he lamented her memory and allowed a tear to ran down his cheek.
"She remembers you and loves you always, Thranduil. All she had done out of love for you, and it was because of her love for you that she came to find me in my long sleep. She does not regret her sacrifice, but only wishes for you to be happy and not bound to mourning her for all eternity. It breaks her heart to see you suffering still, my love. Thus she spoke to me, and her words I will never forget: But long he has mourned our eternal sundering, and I would see him healed and happy. I did not give up my life, Tauriel, for him to spend the rest of his in grief and despair. My sacrifice was not meant to be in vain. Those were her exact words, Thranduil. This is what your wife wishes for you", said Tauriel in a low and emotional voice.
Thranduil was moved beyond description, and felt a lump forming in his throat and rendering him unable to speak. He only managed to nod at Tauriel's words, and rushed to wipe away the tears that escaped from his eyes.
She leaned closer and kissed his tear-stained cheeks, and then cradled his head in her hands. "Forgive me for misspeaking of the love you shared with Lothrin and insulting her memory. I was brash and ignorant, a blithering idiot", she admitted with a flush of shame rising to her cheeks.
"It is understandable why you had felt so. And we both spoke words directed by anger and hurt. Let us forgive each other our wrongs, yet one more time", he offered and tried to smile.
"Wisely you speak, mell nin", she said and leaned close, touching his lips with hers, inviting him to kiss her. He accepted her invitation and claimed her mouth with his, allowing love to fill their hearts and calm their senses.
After a while she drew back and looked at him. "Pray halt the kiss now, for there is still much I wish to tell you", she said with a small smile and touched his lips with her delicate fingers.
He brought his hand upon hers and held it as he kissed her fingertips. "Tell me then what you will, and I will listen. The night is still young and we have all the time of world…" he whispered to her and smiled faintly.
"The purpose of Lothrin's visit was to show me things of your shared past, memories of hers actually, so that I may understand you better. Every time she would take my hand and I would see through her mind's eye scenes that had taken place long ago". Tauriel explained.
"What did she show you?" Thranduil wondered.
A soft smile rose to Tauriel's lips. "The first scenes were pleasant… She showed me your meeting beneath that great tree in Menegroth's gardens, when you proposed marriage to her… And then another scene where you sat with your parents and discussed the date of your betrothal".
Memories came unbidden in Thranduil's mind of those bygone times, and his eyes shimmered like stars.
"Oh yes", he said. "My father would not allow us to expedite out betrothal. He used to say often that we had to abide by Sindarin tradition and observe its customs, since we were kinsmen of the King and we had to set the example for the rest of our people", he reminisced.
"You seemed to have been a different person back then", Tauriel commented.
"I was young and ignorant of the world. I was impatient to live life to its fullest, and I cared little for traditions", he responded.
"But your eyes were clear and free of worry. Your heart was not burdened with grief…" she whispered and took his hand in hers, gently squeezing it.
Thranduil's gaze dropped to their joined hands. "I have lived long, Tauriel, and it is the fate of the Eldar to feel greatly for the world and bear its sorrows in their hearts", he said in a low tone.
"You remind me now of your father, as I have seen him in the visions. You share the same deep, piercing gaze and the same high brow of determination. When you were young, you were a bit more like Legolas, I think. But now you resemble more lord Oropher, my love. Unfaltering like him in your resolve you are, and your thoughts and feelings a mystery to decipher when you are in the presence of others. Your mother, however, seemed to me to have been a sweet and gentle elleth. I see her in you when we are alone and tender", the elleth commented, and Thranduil looked at her with interest.
"What more of my parents has Lothrin shown you?" he inquired.
"No more pleasant visions, I am afraid. She showed me the fall of Doriath, and the death of her parents and your mother".
The Elvenking's gaze immediately grew shadowed. "Those were dark days, and full of grief and despair. I still remember the sons of Feanor and their followers slaying our people. I still remember the dead bodies of Lothrin's parents lying in the gardens. And I will never forget the grim and tragic figure of my father as he stood with my slain mother in his arms…" Thranduil whispered and sighed, making a short pause before going on. "Nothing was the same afterwards, and we were forced to abandon our homes and seek a new life elsewhere. We ended up in Lindon", he concluded.
"To have witnessed with my own eyes what horrors you have lived through pains my heart deeply, Thranduil. But at last I do understand your grief better. And Lothrin withheld nothing; she showed me the battle of Gundabad…" Tauriel said in a low, sorrowful voice.
His gaze flickered and trembled as he heard the name of that accursed place. "Gundabad…" he whispered. "She showed you her death…"
"Yes, and it was the more frightful sight I have ever beheld. I could feel your agony, your despair, your horror… I could feel everything as if I was there with you, fighting beside you… And when the dragon came and Lothrin challenged it", she stopped here momentarily as her voice choked in her throat. "Oh Thranduil, I knew what was going to happen, since you had told me the story of it, but the dire anticipation was awful and overbearing. I wanted to reach out and help you, if I could, I wanted to warn you of the dragon's descent and take cover before it was too late… But I could do nothing but watch… just watch while Lothrin walked forward and challenged the beast, and her last glance was reserved for you only, and it was of indescribable love and tenderness, Thranduil…" she finished her words and her voice broke.
Thranduil's eyes were brimming with fresh tears, and he pulled Tauriel into his arms and held her firmly, drawing strength from their embrace to not fall apart again.
"I am sorry you now have to bear the burden of knowledge and the memory of sight, dearest one. These horrors were mine, they were not meant for you", he lamented.
"But it was Lothrin's will to show me, and I respect her purpose. And my experience during my time of unconsciousness affected me truly and deeply, Thranduil. Neither am I as ignorant now, nor will I ever begrudge you your love for her. In her wisdom and kindness she has helped both of us overcome some of the obstacles in our path. The rest we have to conquer ourselves", Tauriel spoke with ardent determination.
"I am willing to fight for you, beloved. I would do anything for your love", he whispered to her feverishly and looked intensely into her eyes.
"And I for yours", she responded and touched his cheek with her fingertips. "You deserve to be happy at last. These two thousand years of sorrow will have to come to an end".
"Oh, do you think I do not wish to be happy? My heart longs for it! For too long I have grieved and mourned my lost love, which had been taken from me forever, and believed I had been cruelly robbed of my one and only chance in happiness. I could never think I might deserve a second chance. For too long I believed I would have to spend the rest of my life in loneliness, and considered myself unworthy of being loved again. But you, Tauriel, woke up in my heart feelings I had long forgotten, feelings I thought I would never feel again. I loved you from afar, and never dared hope you would one day love me back. Until you did, and my world was changed", he finished his short monologue and a smile of gladness graced his features, while starlight shone in his eyes.
"As was mine", she told him. "When I met Kili, I felt something stir in my heart. I felt for his plight, I felt our spirits shared common elements. I came to love him in the end, and his death upon Ravenhill shattered my heart. But when you came out of the ruins, Thranduil, I saw the depths of your eyes, those depths that trembled with unfathomable grief and pain, and realization dawned on me that you were not the cold and distanced creature you presented yourself as. I realized you were an ellon who had been through so much, and who had loved dearly, beyond reason and earthly boundaries. How profound had my shame been there for having called you loveless. How cruel and superficial I had been, blinded by my own agony…" Tauriel lamented and shook her head, lowering her gaze, her brow furrowing in sorrow and remorse.
But Thranduil reached for her and gently lifted her chin, not letting her sink deeper in sadness. "Do not think upon dark times now, meleth nin. Allow us a respite from grief, for that we have in abundance, and a respite is rare and precious. We are now together and reunited, and I would not have these moments of ours be shadowed by ghosts of the past", he whispered to her and gave her an encouraging smile.
Tauriel sighed and looked deeply into his eyes. In the end she nodded, and leaned close, folding her arms around his torso and resting against his chest.
"You are loved and cherished, Tauriel", he murmured in her hair, as he languidly stroked her back, inducing serenity and calmness in her, and it expanded from limb to limb.
She allowed herself to relax in his arms, breathing in his scent, feeling his warmth enveloping her, relishing his strength and protection. She had missed the feel of him as much as he had missed the feel of her being alive in his embrace, and it was a feel they both never wanted to let go of.
At long last she lifted her face to look at him, her eyes far more eloquent in delivering her messages than her words could ever be.
"I love you, Thranduil. And I will return to Mirkwood. My time of doubt and uncertainty is over", she spoke in calm and peace, and there were no big words or exaggerated ministrations needed to support her steadfastness.
His pale eyes widened as he heard her unexpected declaration. "Do you truly mean it?" he uttered, lips remaining slightly parted in astonishment.
"Yes. Will you accept me back in the Guard, my lord?" she asked him with a pleasant grin and a twinkle of her eyes.
"Of course…!" he breathed, suddenly overwhelmed with joy and excitement. "Your position awaits you, Captain", he said, using her old title for the first time after so long.
Tauriel sat up and laughed merrily, and her laughter was to his ears the sweetest melody.
Then Thranduil's demeanor became more serious, as another thought was born in his head. "Would you also reconsider… my proposition?" he asked in a rather timorous voice, not daring to hope for too much.
His nervousness brought a smile to her lips, and she cupped his cheek and gazed deep into his nearly silver eyes before answering. He was waiting in anxiety for the words that would leave her mouth.
"I would", she finally replied in a somewhat cryptic manner, while her smile turned mischievous.
Thranduil's eyes were then lit with a unique inner light that had never been revealed to Tauriel before, and for a moment it reminded her of his youthful look during the vision of his marriage proposal to Lothrin.
"Oh, meleth nin!" he whispered in a deep, emotional voice, and then he bent his head over hers and claimed her lips into a searing kiss.
Tauriel felt she was melting in his touch, and surrendered herself completely to his passion. Her heart was singing in utter bliss and love for Thranduil, and it was a song she never wanted to end.
When the need for breath became imminent, they broke the kiss, gasping for air. Joy was written all over their faces, and Thranduil was feeling like an elfling, who was discovering love for the first time.
"I hope that the people will accept me… as well as our relationship. I will not lie to you; I still fear they will look down on me with contempt. They might think I am seeking to take advantage of your loneliness in order to become a Queen", she confessed and worry lined her fine features.
"They will not dare oppose me. If I tell them you are my chosen one, then it will be enough for them. Do you think my people think me a rash and witless elfling? No, my love. Or think you they will wish to cross their King? Anyone who might will regret it dearly. I will not stand for petty nonsense", he said in a stern and regal tone that reminded Tauriel of who Thranduil actually was, what position he held and how powerful he truly was.
Her heart was calmed a bit, and she nodded with a smile. "Seeing you in your private hours had almost made me forget the impressive King that you are, Thranduil. I remember often, when I had to report to you and the outcome had not been the desired one, my blood would run cold in my veins for fear of your wrath and vehemence. I pity anyone who would choose to oppose you!" she added that last one with a small chuckle, causing amusement to rise in the Elvenking's gaze. "I should have trusted you when you first sought to reassure me. I should not have doubted you", she said with regret in her voice.
He regarded her for a little while, his manner now having changed into one of softness and care. "Your doubts and worries were entirely understandable. But fear not, beloved", he said. "In our realm you are loved still. Had you not realized that when you first visited after fifty years? You yourself had told me then that most people held no feelings of resentment towards you; on the contrary, they complained about your prolonged absence", he sought to remind her and gently squeezed her hand in his. "Of course we will not emerge from these rooms tomorrow morning and announce our wedding plans. All will be done in due time. You shall be reinstated to your position as Captain first, and start doing what you know how to do best: protect the realm. In the meantime, we will gradually make the nature of our relationship known: first to the court, then to the public. We will allow time to pass until most have gotten used to the idea of their King acquiring a new wife. When the time is right, we will determine a date for our betrothal, and later on for our wedding. You will become my Queen, Tauriel, and you will be loved by all for the wonderful and spirited person that you are", he concluded with love and passion in his voice.
She smiled brightly. "You had all this planned out from the beginning, had you not?" she inquired.
He answered her question with a smirk. "Of course. Do I ever act without purpose or a plan in mind? Were you willing to listen back in Rivendell, when I proposed marriage to you, I would have let these thoughts of mine unfold. But you refused me and you had been quite adamant about it", he commented, with that smirk still playing upon his lips.
"I am glad it is not late for me to reconsider then, and accept your proposal and your plan of action!" she responded merrily and flung her arms around his shoulders.
He purposefully allowed himself to fall back on the mattress under her weight, and looked at her intensely. "How about this plan of action of mine?" he asked darkly, as he traced her thigh with his hand. "For I do nothing without purpose…" he murmured, his voice now having dropped low and being lined with lust.
Perched on top of him, she slowly parted her legs and came to straddle his hips. "I will follow your plans to the end, my lord. Am I known for ineffectiveness?" she retorted in the same manner, with a mischievous smile now on her face that invoked her lover's passion further.
"No, you are not…" he murmured huskily. "But this is not an order now. It is a plan for us to carry out together", he said and at that moment flipped them around, lowering his body on hers.
"I would wish it no other way", she whispered, and then his mouth crushed on hers, scorching and demanding in their kiss.
No more words were spoken that night, for the air was soon filled with the pants and moans of their love and passion. It was not until the first light of day that silence fell in Tauriel's chambers.