First Love Lost
Jasper POV – Chapters 17 and 18

Fucking hell. What am I doing?

The blond sitting next to me kept giggling and twirling her hair. The shit was grating on my nerves. If I wasn't using this bitch to con some fuckin' people, I would kick her out of my truck while it was still moving.

Her head hitting the pavement was just the image I needed.

Shit. Now, she's gonna talk.

"Are we going to your house?"

"No."

"Where are we going?"

Hell, sweet cheeks. People like us go to hell.

My head was starting to ache. Why of all the girls at the party did I pick Lauren Mallory? I hated this chick. She wasn't even pretty.

"Jasper."

I flinched. My name out of the mouth of anyone but Bella was like nails on a chalkboard. It wasn't the sound. It was the expectation. It was the fake ass way people kissed my ass. It was the way everyone wanted something from me. It was all that was wrong with this place.

Bella never wanted shit from me. She was the only good person I ever met. Was it possible to hate someone and love them at the same time? Cause that was how I felt about that girl.

I loved her. Sweet smile. Kind eyes. She didn't pretend to be someone else. She was just her. Bella. Beautiful heart. Beautiful mind.

I hated her. From the first moment I saw her, I wanted to find some way to close her eyes permanently. She saw too much and knew too little.

"Where do you live?" I asked the girl to my right.

The giggling started again. Was the question that fuckin' funny?

I hit the brakes and came to a squealing stop. "Get out."

Finally, the noise stopped.

"What?" she asked.

Deaf and stupid. "Get out."

"But."

I interrupted her. "But nothing. Get the fuck out."

We were in town. Her house couldn't be too far away. The bitch could walk.

I barely registered her stepping out and slamming the door. She was gone. That was all that mattered.

I had hoped that kicking Lauren out would make things better. It didn't. As annoying as the bitch was, she kept my mind off of my screwed up reality. Was doing the right thing supposed to hurt this damn much? If so, I was never going to be good again. This shit fuckin' sucked. Every mile that went by was taking me further away from what I wanted most. Hell, it wasn't even the sex at this point. That stopped being the goal after the first day at our cabin. I just wanted the girl. Fuck want. I needed the girl.

An hour passed, I was now in Port Angeles. It had just what I was looking for. I needed to feel good. One person could guarantee that. Maria.

I pulled to a stop and walked up to the old house. I only ever had to knock once. Some people knew not to keep a man waiting.

Knocking was just a courtesy. I owned this house. It was a good setup. I let her live here for free, and she let me in when I wanted to get laid. Bella may not have been about sex anymore, but that didn't apply to other people.

"You look like shit," she said simply.

"Don't talk."

I pushed by her and stalked inside. The whole place smelled like cat piss. I hated it, but at least, the liquor cabinet was always full.

A quick glance around the room had me adding up the cost of fixing this place back up after I kicked her out. I promised her six months. She had one left.

There were three good things about Maria. One, she used her mouth for something besides talking. Two, she was always available. Three, she wasn't Bella.

I didn't have to listen to her complain that it had been a month since I visited last. I didn't have to listen to her bitch about wanting more than I could give. She kept her thoughts to herself and her mouth occupied.

For the first time, I really looked at her. She was the right height. Her hair was the right color and the right length. So what if her eyes were dead and her heart empty, that shit didn't matter in a dark room.

I walked into her bedroom and started taking off my clothes. As long as I was keeping her here, I might as well use her. Hell, it was what I came here for in the first place. She followed me inside and shut the door behind her.

The rest of my night just got started.

Or not.

She said my name and tried to kiss me. Her hands ran across my chest. The smile on her face was fake. The sound was bad. The smell of her breath was worse. It wasn't Bella touching me. It wasn't Bella smiling at me. It was all wrong.

I couldn't do it. Having sex with her just wasn't happening.

The more she touched me, the worse I felt. What the hell was wrong with me? I tried closing my eyes. All I saw was Bella. I tried shutting my ears. All I heard was Bella's voice saying my name.

Maria was getting impatient. "Come on, Jasper."

The wrong voice saying my name again made it worse. I pushed her away. "Don't."

"What the hell is wrong with you?"

I don't fuckin' know. I had to leave. I couldn't stay. All I wanted was Bella, and Maria would never be Bella. No one would.

It was late when I left. The hour long drive sounded like four. My energy was gone. I stayed at a cheap motel. It was a fitting end. Me in a dirty piece of shit motel. It was just what I deserved.

The next day, I walked into the cabin more pissed than I was when I left Alice's. My head was pounding out the rhythm of my heart, and my stomach was hurting like I got punched. Nothing felt good. It only got worse.

My feet stopped. Something was off. I looked around the living room and couldn't figure it out. Everything was where it should be. I started walking through the place trying to figure it out.

Kitchen. The bowl we kept fruit in had only one apple left. She always bought apples. Never bananas or pears or oranges. Bella liked apples.

I moved to the little bedroom. A memory hit me hard. She hated our 'move the bag' game.

My eyes wandered over the drawings that were covering the walls. The last addition was the one that always held my attention the longest. A flower. It was the last picture my mom drew for me. I picked that flower the day before we left for Texas that summer.

When we came back without my mom, I wanted to tear all the drawings off the wall, but Gram wouldn't let me. My grandmother just held my hand and told me that as long as I kept the pictures on the wall I still had my mom.

It was bullshit. My mom left us high and dry with a note tacked on the fridge saying that she wasn't coming back. I didn't have a mom anymore, and I didn't want one either. When Gram died a year later, I wanted to rip the pictures to shreds and burn the pieces, but I couldn't. They were as much about her now as they were my mother.

I slammed the door closed behind me when I left the room. I hated being in there. Seeing Bella sleeping in it that night I came home from taking care of Edward's drunk ass had pissed me off more than anything had in years.

I glanced around the living room again and still couldn't figure out what the hell was wrong. The place felt different. Something was missing. What was it?

The wall of pictures caught my gaze. They were all there, and not a one was crooked or out of place.

Here was one problem. I had all these pictures of these people but not one single shot of the person I wanted most.

Bella.

I lifted the picture of my friends and me off the wall. As I studied it, I threw myself on the old sofa.

It had been raining that day. Alice was pissing and moaning about the picnic table getting her ass wet. For all that bitch lacks in sincerity and kindness, she could sure take a convincing picture. Her looking lovingly into Edward's eyes was the biggest fucking joke on the planet. He was a stand in for what she really wanted. I knew it, and she knew it. No one else ever said a word about it, but they knew it, too. The half second it took for Laurent to take this shot was the only time that day she even looked at Edward.

Bringing some truth to the scene were Rose and Emmett. They were the real deal. Him whispering in her ear was just like them. They had their private jokes and their own language. It was disgusting and beautiful at the same time.

Then there was me. That small smile on my face was from me spotting a homeless guy taking a leak. He pissed on his shoes. It was disgusting.

I laid the picture down, and it hit me. Her book was gone. Where the hell was her book? I looked on the floor thinking I must have knocked it down. Nothing. I looked under the cushions of the sofa. Nothing. I searched the room top to bottom. Nothing.

More hit me at once. I started to panic. If her book was gone, what else was gone? I ran to the bathroom.

Strawberry shampoo. Gone.

Body wash. Gone.

Hair brush. Gone.

The earrings she left by the sink. Gone.

My heart started to fail. It was gone. All of it was gone. Where the hell did it go?

I was hit with another shot when I ran to the closet.

Clothes gone.

I searched the dresser.

Gone.

My hands clinched into fists, and I knocked all the knick knacks off the dresser top.

Gone.

A glint in the dresser mirror stopped me. There was a small ray of light that was peaking through the curtains. It was reflecting off of something on the bed. I turned to see what it was.

I grabbed the objects. What I saw sent me to my knees. The phone mattered little. The key mattered. It told me the one thing I needed to know and hated to know.

She had been here, and now, she was gone.

Sunday.

I didn't sleep last night. Thoughts of her ruled my mind. Her eyes. Her face. Her voice. I didn't sleep, but somehow she still haunted my dreams. I kept thinking over and over again about the night that I realized I loved her.

It was her birthday. She sat quietly in her chair knowing that she would be ignored. Even Alice's cold heart was breaking over what she saw. Rose was itching to say something to Charlie and would look at me for permission, but I turned down her silent request. It would only cause problems for her and Emmett. Edward was as bothered as everyone else, but he wouldn't say anything. He was too busy sneaking drinks out of his flask. The other player at the table was James. He sat quietly back in his chair observing the spectacle that he helped create.

Later that night, I stood outside our cabin waiting and hoping she would show up. Every minute that clicked by felt longer than the previous one. Her not having a cell phone was seriously pissing me off. What if she got in a wreck, broke down, or was mugged? This shit was just not working for me. I had to know that she was safe.

It wasn't until I saw a flash of headlights that fear released its hold on me. She was here.

When she stepped out of her car, I didn't see my Bella. Gone was the strong girl that I always saw. In her place stood someone just as lonely and scared as I was. Unlike me, she kept her pain inside and let it eat away at her. I threw mine out at the world and tried to punish everyone else. We were both wrong, but maybe together we could meet in the middle and become right.

That was the moment that I knew I loved her. The realization had been a long time coming. I think I loved her from the first time we had a real conversation, but I didn't know it until I allowed myself to really see her. It was then that she became more important to me than anyone or anything. I would do whatever it took to make her safe and happy.

Safe and happy. The two words brought me back to my current reality, which was a shit storm I created with my need to keep her safe from me. The happy part I failed at. I had to find something to make her happy again.

I stood waiting outside Calculus class. From this angle, I could see Bella clearly. Her eyes were on my desk, and she looked smaller than I had ever seen her. The realization made my heart thump harder in my chest as guilt ran through me. It was a new emotion for me, and I didn't understand it. I knew I had done the right thing. So, why did I feel guilty? The answer was simple.

I killed a part of her. All parts of her were good and honest and pure. And I killed one of them.

A pain started in my chest. It was an unfamiliar feeling. I named it Dumb Fucker because that was what I was, and that pain was the defining part of my life.

The bell was about to ring. I needed to clear my head. No emotion. No pain. Nothing. I could feel nothing.

The door opened easily enough. I was going to be okay.

She doesn't matter. I hate her. She is nothing.

My desk was ten steps away. Each one had a phrase assigned to it as I slowly descended into hell.

Mr. Varner is a prick.

Don't look at Bella.

What the hell is that smell?

Ah, Jessica Stanley, again.

Don't look at Bella.

Damn she's beautiful.

Her hair looks nice.

Strawberries.

James is staring at my girl again.

I'm gonna have to kill that bastard.

I laughed and cackled like a fool throughout class. Every time I did it, I felt another piece of me start to come together. Where the strength was coming from, I couldn't say. It was like siphoning gas. I was stealing fuel from someone. It mattered little who it was.

Walking into the cafeteria for lunch was easier. I knew she was there, but I didn't care. She didn't matter. I hated her. She was nothing. Those three thoughts now ruled my life, and every time I thought them, they became more true. The guilt was pushed firmly aside as I began to believe my own lies.

The sheep quieted as we walked to our table. Fucking ridiculous. We were all so far from perfect that it would scare the shit out of these kids. They were all better than us; they just didn't know it yet.

Edward was a drunk. Emmett had daddy issues. Rose hadn't kept a meal down in two years. Alice popped pills that she bought from her maid. And then there was me. I encouraged the demons that ate at my friends.

I bought Edward his booze. Someone had to. The kid couldn't dry up. He might grow a brain and figure out that he was the best of all of us.

Emmett was easy to lead around. Until the night of their birthday party, I encouraged him to hate his sister. Was it hypocritical? Yes, but it made it easier for me to sneak around to see her. After that night, the encouragement stopped.

For a while, not a week went by that I didn't tell Rose that she looked like she gained a few pounds. That one actually made me feel a little guilty. I stopped doing it a year ago. She was family, after all.

Alice's parents gave her a shit allowance. Covering her habits was starting to eat away at my pocket book, but it was better than the alternative. A medicated Alice made for a happier Jasper.

All of this made up the better part of my existence until I got distracted by a smart mouthed brunette who walked around with her heart on her sleeve.

Bella.

My eyes found her. I always knew where she was.

She was staring at her food. The girl did like to eat, or maybe there was something in her food. Corn was not that damn interesting.

I continued to watch her. It was my favorite thing. While I did it, I usually imagined all the things I wanted to do with her, not even perverted shit but good stuff.

I wanted to hold her hand and walk in the moonlight. I wanted to take her to Europe and go on one of those cheesy castle tours. I wanted to buy her a gray cow. The silly girl told me she always wanted one. Hell for a smile, I'd buy her a whole herd. We would have to negotiate on the baby elephant, though. Them bastards get big.

Now, that was classy. She just flipped me off. No cow for you today, little girl.

I walked into English class, and a solution to my girl's happiness problem hit me. James. He was going to tell her the truth if I had to threaten to kill his mom.

Getting him to leave class was easy. He liked to think he was different, but he wasn't. All it took was telling him to come outside with me. He would follow my orders just like the rest.

Our conversation in the hall was short. "Two choices. You tell Bella the truth about the phone calls, or I tell Emmett."

James shrank in front of me. No defiance. No denial. Nothing. He was caught and knew it. It was simple. Bella could help clear the path for him in Emmett's eyes, which might save his ass, or I could insure that he was fucked.

I could have easily told my theory to Emmett myself, but I knew that this was the solution that would cause Bella the least amount of hurt. She would stop Emmett from losing his temper. She would get something she needed, her brother, and eventually, she would be happy again. She deserved it.

The decision was made. James would tell her, and I would sit back and pretend I didn't know a damned thing. It would be hard knowing that she hurt and not being able to fix it. Emmett would help her. It was his job to take care of her now, and this time he better not fuck it up.

Study Hall.

She was talking to James. He was acting friendly, but I could see the strain in his eyes. I wanted to punch the bastard for what he would be telling her. Thinking about hurting him put the first genuine smile on my face that day.

Shit. Bella saw it. I just killed another part of her.

Or not.

Who the fuck talks about animal crackers? Only her.

I was laughing inside as I cracked open a book that I stole off some kid. Anger management. Yeah, you managed that well when I jacked your shit. Pussy.

The book's subject matter didn't interest me. I was too busy listening to my girl bitch slap the room.

If I didn't love her before, I sure as shit did now. Clever girl. She was slicing and dicing everyone and not a single person knew it. That was what made her brilliant. That was what made me love her. That was what made her mine.

One point was off, though. These kids were eating their crackers and drinking their Kool-aid. If they didn't recognize what that referenced, they were well and truly fucked.

Dead ten-year-old boy. Now, I love her more.

Wait.

Did she just call me dead? I was an empty shell who glided in an out of darkness. Screw you, Bella. It wasn't like I didn't warn you. I always said that you didn't listen for shit.

Speaking of shit. Edward at football practice was a big pile of it. That stupid bastard. He was going to ruin everything.

"I talked to Bella for you."

"Did I tell you to do that?"

"No."

"What did you say?"

He lied to her. I could tell. "I told her that I talked to you."

Killing my friend wasn't an option. "You lied to her. How bad?"

It must be bad. Edward was putting some distance between us.

"Speak, Edward. I don't have all day."

"I told her that you said you loved her and got scared and bailed on her."

A baseball bat. His skull. Two things that needed to meet in the middle.

I had to leave. It was the only thing that saved him.

He shouted behind me. "I was trying to help you."

Too late kid. I already helped myself.

Edward didn't know what I was doing. He couldn't. Hell, he wouldn't understand it if he did.

All of those pretty parts of my girl that I loved. Her warmth, her spirit, her honesty, her love. I would kill all of them, and the more it happened the less I would care.

I was already starting to make myself hate her. Hurting her would be the next step. I hurt everyone. It was what I did best. My friends were just too damned dumb to see it. They weren't even my friends. They were toys I played with because they were shiny and pretty and always did what I told them to do. I didn't even feel bad about it because they used me just as surely as I used them. We were all guilty whether we liked it or not.

Bella started out the opposite. She was innocent and good, but by the end, she would be just like us. I couldn't let them kill my girl. I couldn't let me kill her, either. I had to let her go. It was the only good thing that I had ever done. So what if it hurt. It was better than the alternative.