Chapter 25

She felt sick with pain and disgust as she arrived at the Malfoy Manor. The only reason she was there was that she didn't have anywhere else to go. Her house plagued her with her memories and, right now, she couldn't return to Grimmauld Place. Her stomach churned violently as she knocked on the door with Sirius' words still echoing in her mind. She thought of him constantly, of how she betrayed him and how this was her self-inflicted punishment for her unworthiness to him. The door opened. "Hello, Sira," Narcissa said as she gazed at Sira concerningly.

"Hello, Narcissa," she replied shakily. "Lucius invited me to dinner tonight, I hope that's okay." Her stomach flipped when she said his name.

"Yes, he told me you were coming." Narcissa's voice contained a hint of worry. "Sira, is something wrong? You don't look well." Sira didn't know what to do or what to think, she was distraught.

"I'm fine, Narcissa," she lied, trying to remove all emotion from her voice. Narcissa gave her a look that said she was unconvinced.

"Come in, Sira. We can talk inside." Sira couldn't push Sirius out of her mind; she didn't want to push him out of her mind. All she had of him now was the necklace and the memories. She hoped that they would fix this and that this was not the end. She walked into the living room and sat down in her usual chair as Narcissa kept examining her concerningly. "Are you sure you're fine?" she asked as she took a seat in a chair across from Sira. Sira gave a quick nod as an answer. "Sira, you know you can tell me anything," Narcissa stated kindly. "I won't tell anyone."

I know you wouldn't tell, Narcissa," she sighed. She imagined what she looked like right now to Narcissa and she knew that she was an emotional mess. She placed her elbows on her knees, folded her hands and rested her chin on them. How could she continue on with Sirius? She would go insane; she wouldn't be able to control herself. She hadn't even been separated from him for more than an hour and she couldn't take it. She kept thinking that she would never be able to feel the softness of Sirius' touch or feel the passion in his kiss. She would never be able to fall asleep in his arms and wake the next morning to see his smiling face. Tears started to well up in her eyes until the sound of footsteps in the hallway broke her thoughts.

"Hello, Sira," Lucius stated with a bit of passion in his voice.

"Hello, Lucius," she said monotonously as she dropped her hands from her chin. Narcissa stood quickly and went to him, where she whispered something to him. They both left. Sira wondered what Sirius was doing right now, if he was thinking about her, or if he was wishing that he could hold her in his arms. She hoped that he wasn't angry with her, her guilt hurt her enough as it was and his sadness made this pain extremely worse. She realized that their relationship had turned into a long list of broken promises. How could he ever want her back? All she did was promise him, and herself, the world and then she betrayed her promise. She wasn't fit to love Sirius, she never would be. She should just stay away, cut the ties, and live one life, one as a Death Eater.

"Sira," Narcissa's voice called, making her flinch, "if you would like to, you're welcome to stay here for a while." She looked at Narcissa standing in the hallway; her eyes gazed at Sira with a mother's concern. "Also, you don't have to join Lucius and me for dinner if you aren't feeling well."

"Thank you, Narcissa, for your kindness," Sira stated as she stood. "I'll gladly stay but I don't think I'll join you for dinner." She walked into the hallway and looked at Narcissa. "I don't feel like eating right now."

"It's okay, Sira," Narcissa said softly. "I'll show you to your room." Sira followed Narcissa up the staircase and to the bedroom she always stayed in. Her stomach turned with the thought of trying to sleep. They said their good nights and Sira entered the dark bedroom, the only light was the moonlight that barely poured into the room. She closed the door gently behind her and leaned against it as she allowed her pain to consume her. She sank to the floor as her tears flowed down her beautiful face. Goodbye, Sirius, she whispered in her mind. I'll always love you.

She barely left the bedroom for the next three weeks, it was her prison cell. She hardly ate and she spent hours gazing at the wall or at the ceiling. She couldn't stop thinking about Sirius. Every night, she cried into her pillows until exhaustion carried her off into sleep where all she dreamed of was him. Narcissa and Lucius were constantly checking on her, making sure she hadn't done anything rash. She needed to see Sirius, she needed to know that she belonged somewhere; she needed to know that he still loved her.

She never thought that she wouldn't have him. She thought that they would be together forever, no matter what, through thick and thin. She didn't do anything to dull her pain, knowing that she could drink it away and break another promise. She couldn't afford to break another promise. The thought of returning to Grimmauld Place constantly entered her mind. She needed to return, she needed to, at least, see him, to make sure that he was fine. A plan slowly came to her; it made her pain diminish in intensity. She would return.

It was about midnight, a month since Sirius and her separated to sort their feelings out. The air was warm and crisp as she drew her wand from within her traveling cloak. She tapped the door of Number 12, Grimmauld Place, making the locks click open instantly. She carefully entered the silent house. It was dark, nothing stirred in the blackness. She slowly shut the door with a soft thud and relocked it. Her body was tense with a mixture of relief and fear.

She crept to the staircase, examining the house as she went. Her movements were silent, almost like a jungle cat stalking its prey. She was nervous and her breathes were unsteady. Her body shifted from human to wolf as she started to climb up the great staircase. It seemed to take ages. Once at the top, she waited, her wolven eyes studying the hallway, watching for movement. She could hear her heart racing within her chest. So close, yet so far away. She padded softly to the door of Sirius' bedroom and sat down, leaning her head against the door to hear any sound. The room was silent, just like the rest of the house.

She shifted back into a human and gently opened the door. The hinges creaked in protest, making her stop out of fright, her eyes wide with horror, but her shock wasn't from the broken silence. There he lay in the bed, the one she loved. She hoped he was in a deep, peaceful sleep; she wasn't ready to face him if he was angry with her. She waited in the darkness for a while and then continued to open the door. He didn't stir as she treaded into the room, her blue eyes fixed on him. She wanted to go to him, to wake him up with a passionate kiss, to be held in his arms, but she resisted.

As she moved over to the dresser, she pulled a letter, a vase, and a single white rose out of her cloak. She tenderly sat the vase on the dresser as her tears started to roll down her cheeks again. How she wanted to go to him. Then, she placed the rose caressingly in the vase and finally propped the letter up, so it leaned against the vase. Her eyes examined her gift to make sure it was perfect, to make sure that not a single petal was out of place. She gazed at it for a long while, hoping the he would like it, and then turned and carefully walked over to the bed.

Her tears poured down from her as she gazed at him sadly. She needed him, it was all she needed. She knelt down beside the bed, wanting to lie beside him, wanting to feel the safety of his arms. Except, they were only longing, longings that may never be satisfied. At first glance, he seemed unchanged, but she knew something was terribly wrong. His handsome face looked pained, deteriorated, and troubled even in a peaceful sleep. His body looked stiff and uncared for because of stress and worry. It seemed that his thoughts pained him as they did her. The slightest smell of alcohol came off of his body. He tried to dull his pain; she tried to let her pain dull her.

He shifted his body as he continued sleeping, placing his hand just a few inches from her face. Her hand reached for his carefully, her fingertips hovering barely above his skin. She watched his face as her fingertips touched down. He didn't seem to notice so she grasped his hand in hers and held it there. It was as close as she was going to get. A loud sob broke out of her chest with the thought as she sank to the floor. She couldn't let go of his hand, not now, not ever.

Her body shook as she sat there, thinking about what she should do next. She didn't know and whimpered a little. She clutched his hand a bit tighter with him not noticing as happy memories flooded her thoughts.

She didn't know how long she had been sitting on the floor but she stood and slowly realized his hand. She gazed into his pained face for a while longer and then silently turned away from him. "Sira," his voice whispered. She stood stock still and hesitantly looked back at him. He was asleep and, probably, dreaming about her. Tears streamed down her cheeks as she willed him to say her name again. After a while of waiting with no response, she left the room, closing the door behind her with a dull thud.

The dull morning light filled the bedroom, causing Sirius to wake. He laid in the bed for a time, staring at the ceiling, deep in thought. The pain started to return as he thought of Sira, the one he loved and the one he let slip away. He wondered if she thought of him, if she felt the same suffering, and if she just needed to be with him. The thoughts were eating him alive, it was worse than being in Azkaban. He sighed and rubbed his face as he sat up. Something caught his attention, just out of the corner of his eye. He turned his head to look at his dresser and, to his surprise, saw a white rose. Curiosity filled his eyes as he gazed at it. It was odd just because it was perfect, almost too perfect. He quickly climbed out of bed and headed over to it. His eyes were transfixed on the rose, snow-white, unblemished, and beautiful. He didn't even notice anything else for the longest time.

He finally looked down from the flower to see an envelope. Carefully written in black ink was his name, the letters were artistic, neat, and graceful. He examined them as hope filled his eyes and he reached for it carefully. The pain within him diminished slightly as he slowly opened the envelope and pulled out the letter. The handwriting held the same elegance that the pure-white rose had. The letter read:

Dear Sirius,

I hope that you have been doing fine because I haven't. I cannot stop thinking about you and all I wish is for you to be happy. I realize that you deserve better than me, all I do is cause our relationship to be a long list of broken promises. I didn't mean to cause you pain, Sirius, and I deserve to suffer. I can barely breathe with the thought of hurting you. I never deserved your love.

Sirius, I'm sorry for ever hurting you. Just say the words and I'll be gone. I'll go away forever and you'll never have to see me again. I don't want us to end and I hope you feel the same. I love you, Sirius, and I'll always love you. You make my life worth living. You keep me from becoming insane. I need you, I want you, and it kills me to stay away. I know that you may not want me back but I hope that you aren't angry with me. I'm sorry and I can't forgive myself for what I did to you. I needed to contact you somehow and tell you how I feel. If you ever wish to see me, you always know where to find me.

Forever and always yours,

Sira

P.S. If you ever want to know if I'm thinking of you, just watch the rose.

He stared at the letter in disbelief. She was here, she was so close and yet, he let her slip away again. He reread the letter a few more times, memorizing every word. He couldn't believe that she thought she was undeserving of his love and she would let herself suffer just to allow him to be happy. Except, he wasn't, he needed her, her loved her and life without her wasn't worth the pain.

As he placed the letter back on the top of his dresser, he looked at the rose with horror. Blood welled up on the snow-white petals, revealing her pain, her agony to him. He watched with his grey eyes as a drop slowly fell from its petal and dissolved in midair, leaving no trace on his dresser. It was beautiful, dark, and graceful… just like Sira. Soon, he broke his fascinated gaze on the rose and headed towards the door. He needed to go to her, he needed to find her, and it was all he would ever need. He raced out of the bedroom and down the staircase where he suddenly paused. Something was different. He walked slowly into the living room to see a beautiful girl lying on the sofa. "Sira," he sighed with relief as he went to her. She was asleep, oblivious to the world around her. He gazed into her sweet face as he kneeled beside the sofa. The skin around her eyes showed that she had not been sleeping well for many nights and her face looked pained and stressed. There was a little bit of salt residue on her cheeks, obviously from the tears she shed.

"Sirius," she whispered softly. He gave her a look of concern as she continued sleeping. "I'm sorry, Sirius," Suddenly, her deep breathes became ragged, labored pants and her body started to tremble. It was as if she was being tortured. He gazed at her with horror in his grey eyes.

"Sira," he said, his voice quivering with concern, "I'm here. I'll always be here." He placed his hand on her jaw and caressingly rubbed her cheek with his thumb. His presence seemed to comfort her as her breathing became easier and her body slowly calmed. He let out a sigh of relief. His pain was gone; he didn't need to dull it anymore. He gazed longingly at her as she shifted a little. "Sira," he said sweetly, he wanted to forever say her name. A tear welled up in her eye and he brushed it away; there was no need for her to shed anymore tears over him.

Her eyes opened quickly as she inhaled sharply, as if in pain. Instantly, her body relaxed as she saw his face. "Sirius," she sighed with relief. "Oh, Sirius." She sat up quickly and gazed at him with joy in her blue eyes. She didn't know what to say.

"It's okay, Sira," he said as he grasped her hands, pulling her to stand as he did. Joy, love, passion, fear, and concern showed in his eyes. She moved into his chest as he held her tightly. It was where they belonged. He never wanted to let her go and her body shook with relief in his arms. Her pain was decreasing rapidly.

"Oh, Sirius," she whispered softly, "I-." He hushed her for he knew what she was about to say. She looked at him with puzzlement as he smiled at her kindly.

"Sira, you don't need to apologize," he said sweetly. "You don't need to hurt anymore. I know your pain, I've felt it too." She shook her head and dropped her eyes with his words.

"Sirius, I don't deserve any of this. I don't deserve your love. You deserve better than me, we both know that you always have. I always hurt you, whether it is leaving you here or some other way, and you still love me," she explained remorsefully into his chest. "I don't deserve you."

"That's where you're wrong, Sira," he said proudly as he lifted her chin and gazed sweetly into her eyes. "You do deserve me and my love. I can't imagine myself with anyone else, you're perfect for me. Yes, sometimes you hurt me but I always knew that a life without you is not a life worth living and the last month has confirmed this." He inhaled deeply and then continued on. "I was alone, even when this house was full of people, and the pain was so terrible that I tried to drink it away. I couldn't get you off my mind, Sira. I thought that I just lost you forever, I let you slip away." His voice quivered as he spoke.

"I felt that I lost you, Sirius, even before I left here. I didn't know where to go, I was alone and confused. You were the only thing on my mind and I held onto my thoughts tightly out of fear," she said emotionally. "I feared that it was the end, that I would never be held in your arms again, that I would never be able to feel the passion and the strength in your kiss again. I clung to the necklace and the memories; they were all I had left of you. My pain was worse than anything I have experienced before; it consumed me, causing me to feel like I deserved to suffer. I did nothing to dull it; instead, I tried to let it dull me. My tears constantly flowed from my eyes; I never thought that they would stop. I cried long into the night, every night, until exhaustion forced me into sleep, where I dreamed only of you.

"I needed to see you, to know that you were fine, so I decided that I would return in the night. It was the hardest thing I have ever done," she stated. "I was so close and yet, so far away. I was miserable when I looked at you sleeping. I should've been lying beside you instead of giving you a rose and a letter. After I set up my gift, I went to you, Sirius, and kneeled down by your bed. I held your hand as I watched your pained face. I wept, fearing that I would never be any closer. I couldn't release your hand and leave, I couldn't let go, but I did. I left your room and headed downstairs where I collapsed onto the floor with grief and pain. I couldn't leave, not until I knew that you still loved me so I drug myself to the sofa where exhaustion to me away."

"Oh, Sira," he said passionately as he slid his hand caressingly down her side, "I'm sorry that I made you believe that we were over. I thought that I messed everything up when I told you to go. I kicked myself afterwards for it and all I wanted was for you to walk through the door. When I saw the rose, I thought I had lost my chance to see you, to get you back. I'm sorry, Sira." She weaved her hand gently into his dark hair as she gazed at him for a long while.

"It doesn't matter anymore, Sirius," she whispered sweetly with a little smile. "All that matters is that we are together and nothing will ever change that." His lips met hers as she closed her blue eyes. They were together again, where they always belonged. They could never truly live without each other; they would be alive but only just. They needed each other to make their lives complete and worthwhile. They knew that their love for each other would last forever, no matter what challenges laid ahead of them… except, in this dark and twisted times, nothing lasted forever.