A.N. Don't know if I'll get another chapter up before the big day, so….to all who celebrate it as I do, Merry Christmas!

Before I Sleep

Chapter 25

"The neurology fellow already checked her out. He doesn't think it's related to her head injury. But he might order a CT scan just in case."

Reid looked over the nurse's head and into JJ's room. What he saw reassured him, but what he heard nearly broke his heart. He knew it right away for what it was. Reid looked down at the nurse as he pushed his way past her.

"It's all right. It's not medical." He turned, and realizing he was about to close the door in her face, asked, "Do you think we can have some time? I'll hit the call button if anything happens, I promise."

The nurse looked hesitant. Here, one of her charges was in need, and she was being asked to leave her alone.

Reid interpreted the look on her face. "It's just….she's been through a lot this year."

The nurse looked back and forth between the young man in front of her and the distressed patient in the bed. Apparently satisfied that he meant to do good, she gave a silent nod and closed the door behind her as she left the two alone.

The blonde head was turned away from him, but Reid could see the hiccoughing of her shoulders. And he could hear the not-quite-squelched sob that escaped her every few seconds. He approached from behind, but was careful to announce his presence before touching her.

"JJ."

She remained turned away, and he could see that she was trying to bury her face into her chest.

"JJ…it's me. It's Re….it's Spence." He reached a tentative hand toward one shoulder. "There's no one else here. It's just the two of us." Speaking as softly as he knew how.

His fingers landed on her left side as he slid onto the bed behind her. Heartened that she didn't startle to his touch, nor try to shrug him off, he put his other hand on her right shoulder. His fingers picked up on the subtle pressure of her settling back against his palms.

"JJ."

He didn't try to turn her. The burying of her face told him she was embarrassed, and didn't want to be seen. But the gentle leaning back told him that she needed him. Instead, Reid slowly spread one arm across her from behind, and then the other. His arms were so long, and her frame so small, that his hands landed on her opposite shoulders, leaving her completely wrapped in his embrace. With the next unrestrainable sob, she fell completely back against him.

They sat like that, silent, entwined, for the better part of an hour. Reid tried to envision himself absorbing some of her grief, fervently wishing he could actually do so. When the hiccoughs finally seemed to still, he chanced talking to her again.

"I know it seems like it will never be okay again. Like you can never go back to being who you were before. Believe me, I know it well. And…"

He cursed himself for his inability to lie to her….but he simply couldn't. So he told her the truth.

"And maybe you can't. Maybe we're all changed by everything that happens to us. Maybe we're different every single day, because of the day before, and the day before that. But it doesn't mean life can't be good. Because not every day is a bad day. Every new day is made up of the good and the bad that came before it."

He'd known, from experience, that this would happen sometime. For months, he'd seen her barely hidden anguish and tried to draw it out. And then, failing that, he'd known he would have to wait it out. Now, he could only hope that he had the words, or the presence, that she needed from him.

Reid loosened his grasp just slightly, giving her room to move. Giving her room to take a deep breath and throw back her shoulders. The JJ he knew and loved would be looking to fortify herself.

But it didn't happen. Instead, she reached her own hands across her middle and laid them on top of his, where he held her arms. Pulled his grasp back tightly around her. When she spoke, her response told him she'd been listening. And that he'd guessed correctly at what had caused her to break down.

"What about you? Has life gotten good for you again?" Part challenge, part really wanting to know.

There was no need to be specific. They both knew they were talking about the traumas they'd each sustained. The ones that had changed them, and come back to visit them, over and over again.

"I don't…."

"Because you haven't sounded like it. You've sounded like you've let go. Like you don't care anymore. That doesn't sound like somebody whose life has gotten good again. Not to me."

It was one of his most persistent faults. Reid couldn't keep himself from assuming guilt over just about anything. He'd spent his childhood trying to make up for his mother's demon-filled days. For the weak-willed absence of his father. He'd spent a good portion of the last decade beating himself up about an addiction that had been imposed upon him by a madman. And now, just now, he felt guilt over his own affliction with PTSD, as though it had somehow precipitated hers.

He pulled his arms back so he could turn her by her shoulders. For this conversation, he needed to see her face. And he needed her to see his.

JJ let herself be turned, but she kept her head down, eyes focused on the mattress. Reid put a finger under her chin and gently pulled it up. He waited until her eyes followed, and made contact with his.

"It's true I've been struggling. You already knew that, we talked about it. But I was doing better, from…..before. You know…" With Hankel. "It's just that I had a setback. I got knocked down again."

Shocked at his own words, which almost made it sound as though losing the woman he loved had been a passing inconvenience, rather than the destruction of whatever hope had entered his life. But Reid had one value system for himself, and a second for everyone else.

"And now you don't want to get back up." She challenged him again.

They both knew she was right. But he also recognized the volley as her attempt to turn the conversation away from her, and the pain she was so obviously in. He wasn't having it.

"Unh-uh."

"Huh?"

"Unh-uh. We were talking about you." He reached for her chin again, holding her head so she couldn't turn it away. "JJ, something happened to you today. Before, in the street….and after, with the powder. But I don't think that's what's got you so upset." He squinted at her. "Is it?"

Reflexively, she started to shake her head, to shrug him off, as though she didn't know what he was talking about. But he held her, and she couldn't.

He wouldn't let her turn her face away. But she was in control of her eyes, and she couldn't bring them to meet his.

"Is it?" He repeated. More gently now, less insistent, knowing it was time to give her a little room.

The gentleness drew her to him, as it always had. JJ finally looked at him.

"No." Quietly spoken. "No, it's….. it's what happened before. I just…I woke up here in the hospital bed, and it was like I was right back there. Back to when I lost her."

The sentence ended with a sob, and she was crying again.

Reid didn't understand her words, didn't know who the 'she' was that JJ had lost. Rosaline? But that was well in her past and, as far as Reid knew, hadn't involved a hospital at all. Nor, to his consternation at the time, had her abduction and torture ended up in a hospital stay.

So he was confused about what she meant, but not at all confused about his need to respond. This time, he drew her to him, and held her, letting her cry softly against his chest.

When she began to quiet, he spoke into her ear. "Do you want to tell me?"

He could feel her heave a great sigh before she responded, then felt her nod against his chin. Reid took her shoulders and pushed her back, then put up a finger to tell her to wait. He fiddled with the bed controls and managed to get the head of the bed to come up. Then he settled himself in against it and lifted his arm, inviting her to fit next to him. JJ couldn't help but give a small smile at the indication that he thought he was in for a long story.

"There's not all that much to it."

He smiled in return. "It's been a long day. I just thought we might both want to be comfortable."

The ibuprofen Dr. Kimura had given him was wearing off, and pain was settling into his back. He was sure she was feeling something similar. But he also knew that the real pain was internal. And he hoped it was about to be released. It had been pent up inside for far too long.

JJ accepted his invitation and settled on the bed next to him, finding a perfect fit against his chest, snuggling as his arm came around her again.

It caused Reid to marvel, as he often did, at how easy it always seemed with JJ, when the thought of physical contact with another woman still felt so intimidating. It hadn't always been that way between them. When they'd first met, he'd found her as intimidating as anyone. More so, if truth be told. In JJ, he'd met the externally beautiful woman who'd so often proven to be his downfall. He'd come to think of them as his nemeses.

But, eventually, he'd found his way below the surface, to the beauty inside. He'd found a home there, inside her heart. It had been his sign that the circumstances of his life really could change, that trust and affection and love were still possible for him. And it was why he'd felt so displaced when that trust had been broken.

Reid realized where his thoughts had wandered and forcibly brought them back. He'd long since reconciled himself to the truth that neither of them could change the past, no matter how much they might wish to. He couldn't demand it of her, and she couldn't respond. They could only find a way to move forward, together or alone. Both had opted for 'together', but making that option a reality was a daily exercise in forgiveness. One in which they were still actively engaged.

This day, forgiveness manifested itself in the softness of his hands as Reid ran one through her hair, and used the other to hold her to his heart.

"And then…..suddenly, there was an explosion...I remember that much because I felt it, even before I heard it. But the next thing I remember is waking up in the field hospital. And Cruz telling me I'd lost the baby."

Tears had come intermittently throughout the tale. The chaotic, emotional maelstrom of post-traumatic stress was evident in the erratic unfolding of the story. The brutality of the interrogations in Afghanistan. A jump ahead to the brutality of her captivity last year, to the helplessness, the fear of a sexual assault added to the reality of the physical one. Then back again to Afghanistan, and the verbal torture of a mother and child. And then….the incongruously happy news of the pregnancy, followed almost immediately by the devastation of its loss.

Reid absorbed it all in silence, not wanting to obstruct the cathartic flow of memory. When she lapsed into silence, he waited a moment before entering that space.

"You said 'she'. Was it a girl? Did you know?"

He felt her shaking her head against him. "No. I just thought….I guess I believed it was. Maybe I wanted it to be a girl. You know, so Henry could have a sister, and…..well, I was picturing myself shopping for little dresses and patent leather shoes….you know."

He smiled. "I guess I didn't know you were trying to have another one."

"At first we were, and then we weren't. When I first went to State, Will and I thought it might be a good time. You know, less time away, more predictable hours…. So we decided we'd try. But then Strauss brought me to Afghanistan, and I was given this assignment….and suddenly I was away from home a lot more, and for much longer periods of time."

"That must have been hard on you….and Will, and Henry." Especially Henry.

"It was. Will was more unhappy with me at State than he was when I was the liaison for the BAU. He wanted me to just resign government service altogether and stay at home."

Reid knew the woman in his arms very well. "I can just imagine how that went over. I can't see you just staying home. I don't know that I've ever seen you do fewer than three things at once."

She chuckled. "Yeah, well, motherhood is its own juggling act, believe me. So, no, it wasn't that I didn't think I would be busy enough. It was just that I thought what I was doing for the FBI was important, and I wanted to keep doing it. Will just didn't seem to value it the same way I did."

Reid knew enough to keep his mouth shut. He'd been an inadvertent witness to several episodes of raised voices over the course of his many visits to the Jareau-LaMontagne household, and he knew JJ's job was the root cause of many of them.

JJ continued, "Anyway, we started to plan for another baby, and then decided we needed to wait. But ...I guess we changed our minds too late. "

"Still, you were happy about it, weren't you?"

"I was thrilled. And I knew Will would be too. But I never got a chance to tell him, before….."

There was something in her voice, something he picked up on. And he was surprised.

"And after? JJ, did you tell him after?"

An hour later, she was still leaning back against him, feeling improbably less tense than she had for so very long. Even in this horrendous, precarious situation, even with the threat of a dangerous biological exposure, she felt a security that she'd been almost physically craving. She could let down, let someone in….let, specifically, her best and trusted friend in….. and be assured that there would be no price to pay. The very relief of it brought her to tears again.

He misread her. "We can talk about something else. Or we could not talk at all."

"No!...no, that's not it. It's…Spence, I feel like I've been carrying this for half my life. Just to be able to let go of it a little…..it feels good." She heaved a deep breath. "So good."

He was starting to get a clearer picture. "You really haven't told anyone? Not even Will?" No wonder she'd been so burdened. She'd virtually isolated herself from her entire support system.

"He knew where I was, but…..that was all he was allowed to know. Until last year, anyway. Then it came out in the open-obviously."

"Not all of it." He was still shocked that she hadn't told Will about the baby.

She tried to make him see it as she did. "It was already over, Spence. I'd already been through it. I didn't see the point in putting him through it as well."

"That's pretty practical." Implying that practicality should have had no place in the decision.

She heard the undertone. "You think I should have."

He knew that what she needed right now, more than anything else, was support. "I think you did what you thought was best."

He pulled his arm tighter around her shoulder, and wrapped the other one around her as well. "I'm sorry."

She turned her head partially toward him. "Why are you sorry?"

"I'm sorry that you had such a heavy burden to bear, and that you had to bear it alone. I'm sorry that I was upset with you for not talking to me. And…..God, JJ…..I'm so sorry for what you went through last year. When I think about how stupid I was not to realize…." He'd been with her less than an hour before she'd been taken.

She turned all the way around now, forcing his arms apart. She put a finger to his lips.

"Shh! It wasn't your fault….how could it have been? How were you supposed to know? And besides, it was Hastings and his crew who took us. They're responsible. Not anyone else."

"I know, but…"

"No 'buts'. Seriously, Spence….since we're being all honest and everything here…..you really have to break that habit."

"What habit?"

"The Superman habit."

"Me? Superman? Are you sure you're not confusing me with Morgan?"

In response to the incredulous look on his face, she explained. "You have a very bad habit of taking on responsibility for the evils of the world, as though you had the power to stop them all."

Reid was quiet for a moment, pondering, remembering another conversation he'd had, a very long time ago. That woman had also known him well, and he loved her very much.

"I know I can't stop them all. I don't have much of a track record for stopping any of them. It's just…" He shifted his legs, and took the opportunity of changing positions to bring her back against his chest. "It's just that, when I was a kid….well, not really a kid anymore. I was eighteen, and I'd had Mom committed to Bennington. It took a couple of months, but they got her reasonably stabilized. I went to visit and, when I was getting ready to leave, she called me over and said she had something very important to tell me. She'd been telling me since I was a kid how exceptional I was…"

She reached around and patted his chest, hearing the embarrassment in his voice. "She was right."

"Hm. Well, this time, she said it again. But then she said, "To whom much is given, much will be required. You've been gifted with a brilliant intelligence, my son. You must use it to help others. You must make a difference."

"Just like that?"

"Just like that. It was the most clear I'd seen her in years, and that's what she said to me. It felt like I was being commissioned. And I've come to realize that she's right. I do know more than most people, I do see and understand things sooner, and better than most."

"Try 'all'."

"Not all. But nearly. There's no sense in being falsely modest about it. But I also realized that she's right about the responsibility. If I have these gifts, what good are they unless I use them to help others?"

"Your mom sounds like a very wise lady…..with a very noble son."

He snorted. "There's nothing noble about meeting one's responsibilities. And I could argue that I should have done something more with it. Gone into physics, and worked on cold fusion. Or gone into medicine….or medical research…."

She heard it in his voice. "Like Maeve?"

He squeezed her shoulder, and she couldn't help but think she was serving as a physical substitute for the woman.

"Like Maeve. But I didn't. I followed Gideon to the FBI and became part of the BAU. I sometimes wonder if Mom would be disappointed in that choice….you know, for reasons other than that I'm working for the government. But the government angle feeds her illness so much that we never get past it."

"I doubt she would be disappointed in anything you did, Spence. Take it from another mother. I guess the real question is….are you disappointed?" She thought she'd picked up on something in his tone.

He shrugged his indecision. "I don't know. Sometimes I think it would have been more responsible to use my intelligence another way. But…."

"But you care too much. You care about people. You need to be close to them. You care about our victims. You even care about the people who victimize them. You wouldn't be happy stuck in some lab somewhere, Spence. I think…..no, I know….deep in that heart in there…" and she patted his chest again, "you're a nurturer." Because you do it for me all the time.

To Reid, the most amazing thing was that she understood that. Where others saw him as insensitive and standoffish, and wanted to label him a misanthrope, she saw the real man. He might still be socially awkward at times….but he was also, and always had been, empathetic and caring, to a fault.

He stretched both arms back around her and squeezed his thanks.

"How is it that you know me so well?"

"Hmph. I could ask you the same thing, about me."

She was quiet for a few minutes, thinking.

Then, "For real, Spence. I don't think I've ever had someone in my life who I thought sort of …..got me…I guess. Not the same way that you do. For that matter, I think I always understand myself a little better after I've talked to you. You help me 'get' me. How does that happen?"

It felt like vaguely treacherous ground. "That must happen with Will…doesn't it?"

She had to think about why it didn't happen with Will.

Shaking her head, she replied, "It's not the same. I never expected it to be this way, but it's almost like there are some things that are too intimate to share in a relationship. In my relationship, anyway. It's ….I don't know….I guess there are some topics that I'm afraid to bring up. I'm afraid to find out he doesn't understand. Or I'm afraid we might have an argument. And the stakes are too high for that, now that we have Henry." And now that we're married.

Reid was thinking the same thing. Now that you're married.

"So you hold back?" He was having trouble picturing himself holding anything back from Maeve. But, he acknowledged to himself, theirs had been a relationship without parameters. Maybe things would have changed…..if only…..

JJ responded to him. "So I hold back. Just some things, not everything. But, with you…"

"Maybe it's because you have nothing to lose with me."

JJ sat up and stared at him. "I thought we were past that. Spence, I have everything to lose, if I lose you. That's why it was so hard, when I thought I had."

Unexpectedly, his eyes filled. He knew he'd felt that way, about her. But to hear her say it of him….

"You haven't."

She caressed his cheek as she smiled at him. "Thank God for that."

Then she thought of something …something that might just change their relationship once again. JJ hesitated for a moment, but the total honesty of the conversation thus far drove her to come clean.

"Um….Spence?"

"I'm still here."

"There's something I should probably tell you."

He started to gird himself. If, after all she'd told him tonight, there was something more she'd chosen to withhold…he felt a need to steel himself. "What is it?"

She heard the tiny note of fear in his voice, and reassured him right away. "Oh, no, it's nothing like that. It's just…..well, you might be mad at me." Might?

Another secret? What?! He calmed himself to ask, with patience, "What is it?"

It took her a moment to think how to put it. "Well, you know how I was worried about you? I know, that's not what this conversation is about, you've already said that. But …well, I was worried. You've seemed so sad, for so long. And I thought…..what if he had someone in his life? Someone to come home to, who would ask how his day was, and maybe make him dinner, or snuggle with him…"

Now he knew where she was going. Knew more than she did. But he decided not to take her off the hook. He had been upset, when he'd first realized. But, then, not.

"And?"

"Aaannnddd…..well, I might have mentioned it to Garcia. And she might have found an online site that matches people's best friends, and…"

"And you might have found a certain cellist named Stephanie for me?"

She bolted upright, shocked. "You knew?" Not quite being able to decipher the expression on his face.

Which he was being very purposeful about. "I didn't at first. But it wasn't that hard to figure out."

JJ was still dumbfounded. "How….what….how did you know?"

"The first day I met her, she called me 'Dr. Reid'. But that's not how I'd introduced myself. I let it go until she also let it slip that she'd never been in that particular park before. Which told me it probably wasn't a chance meeting. So I decided to do a little web surfing of my own."

"You?"

"I am not a Luddite, despite what Garcia thinks. I just prefer the sensory experience of books…the smell of the paper, the feel of the page in my fingers. But I can Google with the best of them."

"And you found…."

"I found a few articles where she was mentioned. And her husband's obituary. A little creative digging got me to her friends' social media, and they were pretty open about it."

JJ knew she must be beet red by now, but she could do nothing about it. Except apologize.

"I'm sorry, Spence. I know we overstepped. I just….. I was worried about you. And I wanted you to have what you deserve in your life, and…."

He hushed her with a raised palm. "I don't know if there's anyone who 'deserves' anything more than anyone else. And I know you meant well. But, for the record…..please don't do it again."

"You don't like her?"

He shook his head. "She's nice enough. And I'll probably even see her again. I probably would have seen her this weekend maybe, except….." He waved his hand around the room, indicating their predicament. "But, the point is….. I'm not looking for that. Not right now. Maybe some day. Or maybe not ever. I love you for wanting me to be happy, but…"

"But I should butt out and mind my own business."

"No! That's not what I mean. Well, maybe…." He smiled, hoping to get one in return.

She gave it. "What do you mean, then?"

He took a moment to think. "I guess what I mean is that I don't know that 'happiness' is what it's all about. Life, I mean. I mean, it's great to be happy, I guess. But, it's also a little selfish, isn't it? Is that what we're here for? To be selfish? To look out for our own pleasure?"

He'd stumbled upon a topic that she'd been chewing at for a while, having found her own happiness with life lacking. "Are you saying that happiness isn't important?"

"Not that it's not important. It's great, when it happens. It's just that….I guess I've always thought I was here to do for others. To make life a little better for someone else. That maybe I'd need to be willing to sacrifice my happiness for that other person."

Both of them immediately flashed on the scene in the loft, where he'd willingly offered himself for the woman he loved.

"Like you did for Maeve."

A tinge of darkness to his voice now. "I didn't get to do anything for Maeve."

"But you wanted to. And she knew it. That's what was important." She paused a moment, considering the sacrifices she would be willing to make in her own life. "What would you be left with, if you gave something up for someone else?"

He'd already been down this road many times. "Joy."

It seemed like they'd talked for hours, moving back and forth without logic from the events of the day to those of their pasts, to whatever might await them in the future.

Finally, exhausted, she lay back once again. "I am so lucky to have my BFF with me."

He smiled at the acronym, having been schooled about it by her once before. But he corrected her. "I think you mean AC."

"AC?"

"The Celts have a term that fits us, I think. It's called 'anam cara'."

"Anam cara. AC. What does it mean?"

"It means 'soul friend'. Your anam cara is someone in your life who sees who you are…who you really are….and helps you see it too. It's someone who makes you more 'you'. Someone who helps you find the self you were meant to be."

She could relate to that. Certainly, with Spence, she could see it happening. She, for him, and he, for her. "So, it's like I'm more myself when I'm with you, and vice versa?"

"I don't think 'with' has anything to do with it. It's said to transcend time and distance."

"You mean, like a friendship that lasts no matter where you are or who you're with."

"Just like that."

JJ snuggled in, presuming his agreement to serve as her pillow for the night. "All right, Spence. No more BFFs for me. From now on, you're my AC."

He smiled, holding his AC to his chest. "Always have been."

A.N. Congratulations to Noobz40 who picked up on Stephanie calling Reid 'Dr.' without him having told her. Yes, it was planted.