"Are you going to get dressed today?" It's noon when Kylo drops by his quarters to check on Rey. He finds her still lounging around in her nightgown.
Rey makes no reply. She doesn't even acknowledge that she has heard him. She stands with her back to the room before the window staring blankly off into space. Rey does that a lot these days. She says that she is meditating, but Kylo is skeptical.
She is still so angry with him. And it isn't the focused, effective rage that had so impressed him in the snowy woods of the Starkiller Base. This is a needy desperation that screams of weakness and despair. More and more, Rey looks lost. It worries him. Things aren't getting better, they are getting worse. She alternates between sullen brooding and hysterical outbursts. Kylo has schooled himself not to react. Rey needs to vent her Darkness and he will give her the acceptance and space to do so. But it's getting harder because what Rey screams at him usually hurts.
Kylo checks on Rey himself now. And every time he returns, she seems to unravel a little more. Her inability to handle Snoke's Dark awakening has overtaken their lives.
"I want to go with you to your appointment this afternoon," Kylo tells her. "I'll stop by and we can go together." He wants to be sure that Rey goes to her appointment. She had skipped her appointment last week and the stupid medics hadn't bothered to tell him.
Rey still hasn't acknowledged him, but Kylo keeps up the one-sided monologue that passes for conversation these days. "You have about an hour to get dressed. And take those arm wraps off, will you?" he complains. "This isn't Jakku. Rey, you are so much more than that desert scavenger girl."
Finally, he provokes a response. "I want to be who I was before I met you, Kylo Ren." Rey's voice drips with resentment. She still doesn't bother to turn and look at him. "Before you dragged me down into your Darkness. Jakku was better than this Darkness."
Kylo sighs. They have rehearsed this argument before many times. "Rey, you can't go back to being who you were before. The Dark Side doesn't work like that. You must accept who you are now and learn to control it." Why is Rey being so stubborn? She has never been stubborn with him before. He gestures at her bedraggled appearance. "Look at yourself—this is not you."
"No, this Darkness is not me!" Rey whirls to hiss at him. Her eyes are yellow again. She can't keep them normal for long these days. "I did not want this! You knew that. But you didn't care."
This bickering is pointless, he thinks. And it is moot. Rey needs to focus on the future, not the past. He tries to keep from sounding impatient. "Stop fighting it. Accept it. Your place now is with me, with our son, on the Dark Side. We are a family, and we should work together for our common future."
"I have tried to accept this," she wails bitterly. Her face is a mask of frustration. "I have tried to control this. But I can't. This is not me, Kylo! I am drowning in Darkness." Rey looks so beaten. So unlike herself. Even her Force imprint seems diminished to him these days. It makes him wonder how much Darkness Snoke had actually given her. Rey seems to be struggling far more than his Master has led him to believe she should be.
Kylo crosses the room to stand before her. He squeezes her arms and whispers encouragement. "Rey, let's take it one step at a time. Go get dressed, will you? It will make you feel better."
"Okay," she tells him softly.
That's small progress, but it's progress. Kylo follows her into the bedroom. He watches as she chooses a dress and drags the rumpled nightgown over her head. Rey looks so pregnant now as she stands in her bra and panties, her belly distended from the rapidly growing life within. The rest of Rey is slim. Slimmer than ever, he thinks, and downright bony looking in places. That too is worrisome. A pregnant woman should not look this frail.
"I may have to be gone for a few days next week," he says. "We have found the new Resistance base. It's time to end this war. Do you think you can hold off giving birth until I get back from war?"
"It doesn't work like that," Rey complains. And, of course, he knows that.
He smiles over at her. "I want to be here when he's born. That's all." Rey will need him, Kylo is certain of that. Given how things are, Kylo is concerned about how Rey will adjust to motherhood. He has already spoken to Nestor about getting his wife up here that first week. Rey is going to need some experienced help and a nanny droid can only do so much.
"I like that one," Kylo says offhand as Rey drags a clean dress over her head. "Red looks good on you." Then he frowns. Rey still has those silly arm wraps on and she's putting the dress on over them. "Here," Kylo intervenes as he crosses the room, "let me help." Kylo reaches to unwrap one of her arms as she struggles with the fabric of the dress. But Rey rears back as if stung.
"No!" she tells him.
And now, he is suspicious. Kylo holds her wrist fast and starts unwrapping her left arm. And as the fabric unwinds it reveals a trail of deep scratches. They start on her forearm and travel up past her elbow. He grabs for her other arm and it looks much the same.
"Oh, Rey." His heart sinks. She is harming herself.
Kylo takes a deep, steadying breath.
His wife says nothing. She just looks down. Ashamed.
"We'll put some bacta on that after the appointment," he tells her quietly, not wanting to make a big deal about it. Arguing with Rey seems counterproductive lately. So instead, Kylo helps her with the dress. The long sleeves cover the marks and he wonders now for how long she has been hiding this from him. As he zips up the back of her dress, he leans in to whisper in her ear. "Mark the wall, Rey. Not yourself."
When he leaves to return to the bridge, Rey is seated as the grooming droid paints her face and does her hair. It reassures him to see his wife transforming back into Lady Ren. For more and more, it seems like he is watching Rey fall apart before his very eyes. She is so diminished in body and spirit. So vulnerable looking. He barely recognizes the spunky scavenger who had shot first in the woods and swung hard with his grandfather's saber. He misses that girl. She was the girl he married. Not this vacant eyed, apathetic woman who looks like she is barely holding it together.
Nestor tells him that it will be fine. That women are always terrified about a first pregnancy. That all the change to come can make them fearful and insecure. Don't worry, he tells Kylo, it will all be fine. Ordinarily, that advice would be reassuring, but Nestor doesn't know the half of it. The doctors also have assured him that some depression is a normal side effect of pregnancy hormones. But the doctors too don't know the extent of what's going on. Only Kylo understands the consequences of Darkness. How it makes you feel, what it makes you think, what it urges you to do. And so he is trying his best to help. But he can't shake the feeling that he is failing her.
Rey has never once left the Finalizer. Does Kylo Ren's wife have the clout to commandeer a shuttle from the hangar bay? Rey is about to find out.
She is dressed to the nines and wearing the black cloak Kylo had bought her to shield her growing belly from curious glances. Rey has the hood pulled up and forward to hide her yellow eyes. She has noticed that the crew gets very creeped out by her yellow eyes. But if she intimidates people today, then perhaps it will aid in her escape. For that's what this is: an escape.
No one points a weapon at my wife, Kylo had decreed. Rey fervently hopes that this message has been relayed around the entire ship by now. Because if this goes badly, there might be shooting. But Rey knows how to freeze blaster bolts in the Force and she has her saber with her so everything will go fine. She takes a deep breath and reminds herself that she is Rey of Jakku, the ultimate survivor. And she is Rey, the Jedi Padawan trained by Luke Skywalker himself. She can do this. She has to do this.
Five command shuttles are kept prepped and ready at all times in the hangar bay. If she can get on a ship, she can get away. Rey knows that Kylo won't disable or destroy a ship with her on it. And from her work in the hangar bay, Rey knows the codes to skirt the tractor beam. She plans to take the shuttle closest to the air lock and immediately jump out of the system. Hopefully, she will be gone before anyone notices.
She will flee to Master Luke. If she can find him. Her old Jedi master will know how to cleanse her of this Darkness. For hadn't Luke Skywalker turned his Sith father Darth Vader back to the Light? Kylo might not believe his uncle's version of events, but Rey does. Right now, she has to. And Kylo had also once said that Luke Skywalker can pull himself back from the Dark Side. That is the help Rey needs. Time is running out, for every day it is worse. Rey cannot control the Darkness within and she feels it consuming her. Despite all his efforts, Kylo can't help her. Luke Skywalker is her only option left.
As she approaches her chosen shuttle, she hears her name. It's Kylo's voice. Instantly, Rey knows that she has been caught. Her heart sinks. Kylo is the only person onboard with both the authority and the ability to stop her. There will be no sneaking away now. There will be an argument and maybe even a fight. But bring it on because Rey is determined. Self-preservation has always been her strong suit.
Kylo strides towards her. "Where are you going?" he demands as he falls into step beside her.
Rey feels her heart pounding in her chest. "I thought you were on the bridge."
"Where are you going?"
"What makes you think that I am going anywhere?"
"Because the Force warned me. The Force always warns me when you need help. Tell me where you are going."
She keeps her voice low and does not break stride. "I am leaving the First Order." She and Kylo have already attracted second glances in the busy hangar bay. They are a noteworthy sight, for Kylo Ren and Lady Ren very rarely appear anywhere together. This will be a very public spot for a confrontation. "I am drowning in Darkness. It is in me. It is in our son. It surrounds me on this ship. I will not stay here."
"You cannot leave me." His voice too is calm, but she feels the edge to his words. Through the Force, it feels like a warning. "I won't let you leave me, Rey. You can never leave me."
She has hurt him again, Rey realizes. She pauses. They are in public, so he is wearing his mask and she cannot meet his eyes. "I have to leave you," she says softly. "For my sake and for the baby." Then she resumes walking, setting her eyes on her chosen shuttle.
Kylo keeps pace beside her. "Leaving the First Order is not an option. And it's not the answer. There is nowhere that you can go to run away from the Darkness within."
His words are no surprise. And Rey is not persuaded. "I'm not running away from the Darkness. I am running to the Light. To Master Luke. There is a difference."
Kylo abruptly catches her arm and forces her to stop. Whirling Rey around, he holds her arm painfully tight as he pulls her to him. Rey's face is inches from his mask. His voice is harsh. "Luke Skywalker was prepared to kill you before, Rey. What do you think he will do when you arrive to him with yellow eyes and belly full with my child?"
Rey recognizes the truth of his words. Still, this is a risk she is prepared to take. She has no better option. She is betting that Master Luke will show her mercy due to the innocent child she carries and that at worst he will turn her away.
"Maybe you should have let him kill me," she hisses back at Kylo. "It would have been quick and clean. Not this- this—"
What can she call her existence now? How can she explain the extreme anxiety that cripples her psyche? Her mind is overflowing with frightening urges to hurt herself, with violent fantasies that crowd her dreams, and with surging anger that is triggered by the most minor of annoyances? If the Dark Side is supposed to bring power, then why does Rey feel so weak and helpless? Why is she constantly on the verge of either rage or tears? One obsessive thought occupies her mind constantly now: will her son be born with yellow Sith eyes? Will her child too be cursed with this Darkness? She would rather the child never be born, than be born Sith.
She wrenches her shoulder back and he releases her. "I am drowning in Darkness here!" Rey is railing at him now. Her voice betrays all of her desperation. All concerns for a pleasant public façade have fallen away and their argument is an ugly scene. "I cannot control it! I have tried and I cannot!" Rey turns and keeps walking. They are almost at the shuttle ramp.
This is a tired argument by now, and her husband gives his usual pat responses. "You must control it. This is done, Rey, and there is no undoing it. Stop fighting and accept the Dark Side. There is no other way."
His words do not help her. Can't he see how overwhelmed she is? And how angry? She is so angry at Kylo. For he has betrayed her so cruelly.
"I never wanted this!" Again, her voice sounds like a hiss to her ears. "You had no right to do this! You said I didn't have to be Sith to be with you. Why, why did you and Snoke do this to me?" She has been a fool all along to trust in Kylo. Master Luke had warned her: never trust a Sith.
They reach the shuttle and Rey turns to face her husband. "I will not live like this! I cannot live like this!" Rey can hear her voice rising in pitch and in volume. She sounds hysterical even to her own ears. Their confrontation is attracting significant attention now. "If you care about this child, if you care about me, you will let me go, Kylo Ren."
"No. Not if you are running to the Jedi. You are going to stay with me and I will help you control this." He is placating her again. Like she is an out of control child. He reaches out to brush back the hood of her cloak and to cup her cheek. His voice is calm and reasonable and absolutely enraging to her ears. "Rey, Skywalker will only murder you both. I cannot lose you. This is suicide."
Anger gives Rey focus. With the slightest concentration in the Force, she pushes Kylo into the nearest shuttle landing strut. The push is only a foot or two, but the push is hard. She wants his attention. "You are not listening to me! I am done trying to control this. I am leaving."
Kylo is not deterred. As she begins to scramble up the shuttle ramp, he yanks her down. Off-balance and ungainly in her ninth month, Rey stumbles and Kylo catches her before she falls. His touch is rough but his words are soft. "Come, let's discuss this in private. Not here. Let me help you."
But Rey is determined to get on the shuttle. There's won't be a second chance at this, she knows. Again with the Force she pushes Kylo away. Her lightsaber flies into her hand to ignite. Rey holds the blue blade before her and begins backing towards the shuttle ramp. If she has to, Rey will fight her way onto the shuttle. She has to do this for herself and for her baby. This is her one and only chance to get away.
She sees Kylo's eyes widen and in a split second his saber too is lit in his hand. But Kylo doesn't want to fight. He whirls to hack his blade at the shuttle ramp itself. In three swings, the ramp is severed from the ship and crashes to the hangar bay floor. The entrance to the shuttle is at least 10 feet above the floor without the ramp.
Rey looks about judging the distance to the next nearest shuttle. She cannot outrun Kylo, not in her current state. It will have to be this shuttle. She will have to find a way to get onboard.
"Don't try it," Kylo warns her. "You can't jump that, even with the Force. You don't have the balance. Not at nine months pregnant." Kylo deactivates his saber. "Disengage, Rey. You're too clumsy to fight right now. You will only hurt yourself."
"I will hurt myself," she repeats his words aloud. "I will only hurt myself." He nods at her, looking relieved that his warning has gotten through to her. It has, for Rey is thoroughly distracted by his words. "I will hurt myself," she repeats again. Rey deactivates her saber and instantly it flies into her husband's outstretched hand. Rey does not care. She is backing up now. Backing towards the tool cart the hangar maintenance crew always stages near each parked shuttle. Rey knows every tool cart in the Finalizer hangar bay, and she knows that this one will have what she needs. "I will only hurt myself . . . hurt myself," she repeats aloud once more. A vibroblade jumps from the tool cart into Rey's outstretched hand. Hurt myself . . . hurt myself. The words echo through her mind now like a mantra. Yes, there is another way out of her misery. The impulse is strong and seductive. Kylo has been urging her to give in to the Dark Side for weeks now. Not to fight it anymore. And so Rey gives in.
She manages only one good deep slash at her left wrist. Kylo's reflexes are lightning fast, and he catches her arm just as the blade is an inch from plunging into her neck. Wrenching it from her hand, he throws it down. Rey lets loose a cry of frustration, her face a mask of pain. Blood is pouring from her wrist to puddle on the floor.
"Stop!" Kylo commands, his hands gripping her upper arms as he shakes her roughly. "This is not the solution!"
"It is!" her voice cracks with emotion. "I will not live like this! I would rather starve in the desert than live like this!"
She is fighting him now with all of her ebbing strength. She is bleeding everywhere. "No, Rey, no!" he bellows.
But she won't back down. "I refuse to be Sith!" she rails at him, heedless of all who can hear. "I refuse! I refuse!"
Through the Force, she feels his frustration. And his fear. Deep, gnawing, growing fear for her and for their child. With a snarl and a wave of his hand, Kylo tries to blank her consciousness with the Force. But she anticipates him and resists with her own power. But she cannot sustain her defense longer than a few seconds. As everything fades to black and her yellow eyes close, Rey manages one last gasp. "I hate you."
Kylo does not wait for the medics to stitch her up. He sets off down the hall to destroy the nearest instrument panel. It does little to take the edge off his emotions, so when he returns to overhear a medic refer to his wife as a suicide, Kylo ignites his sword and executes him on the spot. The point is taken, and thereafter Rey's injury is termed an accident. His wife works as a mechanic and this incident had been a slip with a common tool. Nothing more.
Things are much worse now, he knows. This is what Kylo has been fearing since he discovered the marks on her arms last week. Rey has found the violent release that the Dark Side demands, only she has turned the violence on herself. Rey will try again. He knows that the Darkness will urge her to try again. And she will find a time and a place when he will not be there to stop her. One day soon, Kylo will drop by their quarters and find Rey dead in a pool of blood. She will get her death wish and their unborn son will die with her. Because the Darkness she cannot control will consume her in the end.
It is a horrifying thought.
He had been so close to having achieved it all: Rey as his wife, a strong Sith son as his legacy, and the galaxy ruled by the soon-to-be victorious First Order. But now, he fears, the only thing left to him will be his war.
He doesn't blame Rey. She had never wanted this Darkness, and so she had been ill-prepared to control it. The Dark Side is a choice, a bargain in blood for power. For everyone but Rey, who is its unwilling victim. Kylo glances over at his sedated wife and swallows hard. This is what he has done to his Rey of Light. This is the evil he has wrought. This is the consequence of his hubris. This is the tragedy of his own making.
In a matter of weeks, his confident, competent wife has descended into hysterical self-destruction. She is a shadow of her former self and he is to blame. For he had stood by watching with approval as Snoke had filled her with Darkness. It had been a mark of favor for his Master to fulfill his wish for a Sith dynasty. He should have been more careful what he wished for, Kylo knows with the stinging clarity of hindsight. Rey had agreed to marry him and to bear his child but that had not been enough for him. He had wanted more. He's a Sith and he always wants more. And this time, Kylo had wanted too much.
Rey is out of immediate danger now and her wrist is bandaged. The flesh wound itself is superficial and will completely heal in time. But with awful certainty, Kylo knows that his wife is beyond the help of medical science now. Her attempt today finally has convinced Kylo that he cannot help her. And, sadly, it reveals to him that Rey has given up trying to help herself. The doctors will never have the reasons to explain it, but Kylo knows he is losing her.
He could take her to his Master, but that feels wrong. For it is Darkness, after all, that is the cause of her struggle.
No, the answer is the Light. Rey had been seeking the Light, and Kylo will find a way to give it to her. He owes this to her. This might be the only unselfish act Kylo Ren has ever done, and for so many reasons it terrifies him even to contemplate it. But as he stares down at Rey, a plan forms in his mind. Luke Skywalker is not the answer. But maybe Leia Organa is. And Kylo knows just where to find his estranged mother now that the hidden Resistance base has been discovered.
Rey's vacant yellow eyes stare past him, but he has jumped into her mind so he knows that Rey hears his words. "Rey, I will do what you ask. I will take you to the Light. But you must hold on. Hold on for me and for our son. You must not give up." She is fuzzy from drugs and does not respond. Frustrated, Kylo shakes her shoulders, trying to provoke a response from his dead-eyed wife. Since she has regained consciousness, Rey has been in a dazed stupor. Her Sith eyes are open but unseeing. "Can you do that for me? Answer me!" An alarmed looking medic is moving towards him now. Kylo Force-pushes the medic against the nearest wall. Kylo shakes Rey harder still and her head flops back and forth. "Answer me!" he hollers at her aloud and through the Force.
"Yes," comes her soft whisper in his mind. It is faint, but he hears it.