I'm so sorry for the late update. I've been really sick so I couldn't really write. And I once wrote a seven page report on the symbolism of the green light in the great Gatsby while suffering from food poisoning. So yeah, I've been pretty damn sick.
Anyway, the doctor just released me, so I'm home now and I finally got my hands on my laptop ( I think I was going through computer withdrawals), and now I'm writing like crazy. I'm going to try and make it up to you guys and update again in the next few days. Again, sorry this update is so late. I really hope you like this chapter.
A noise pulls me from my thoughts. A soft knock at the door. I get up from my couch and walk over to the door. I open it a crack and look out. My heart jumps at the sight of Spencer standing at my door.
Toby's POV
"Spencer. You….you're here." I say, stupidly stating the obvious. My shock starts to quickly dissolves, and I'm suddenly overwhelmed by a dozen different emotions. Happy, sad, anger, love, confusion. I feel everything.
"We need to talk." she says. Her voice shakes when she speaks, and she doesn't look me in the eye.
"Yeah. I would love that. Come on in." I say. I step aside to make room for her to enter. She hesitates a moment before coming in. She slowly steps around me and walks deeper in to the loft. She sets her purse down on the coffee table. I close the door and take a few steps towards her, but I keep a healthy distance. I don't want to scare her. I don't want to give her a reason to leave.
"Do you want something to drink? I can make coffee." I say. She shakes her head no, but keeps her back turned towards me. I wish she would face me. That way I would be able to guess what she was thinking, what she was feeling. I want so badly to run up to her and wrap my arms around her, to kiss her, and tell how much I love her.
"Spencer? You said you wanted to talk." I say. She remains silent. "Spencer, please say something." I beg. She says nothing. "At least look at me. I want to see your face."
"Why." she whispers.
"What?" I ask.
"Why do you want to see. How can you even stand to be in the same room with me after….after everything I did to you?" she says.
"Because I know that there's more to the story, and more importantly, because I love-"
"Don't." she says, interrupting me. She turns and to me, but she doesn't look at me. Her tear filled eyes stare down at the floor. "Just…..don't. I don't want to hear you say that you love me. I don't deserve that. I don't deserve you."
"Spencer. don't say that." I say. I take a step towards her, but her body goes tense, so I stop.
"I…I came here to apologize, for the lies, for not telling the truth, for hurting you, for everything." she says as more tears spill from her eyes. "I know that probably doesn't mean much, but I just….really needed you to know how sorry I am."
"You don't need to apologize Spencer. Just tell me what's going on. Tell me what's happening." I say.
"I….I can't. not now. I have to make sure you can't get hurt first. But you'll get your answers soon. Everything will make sense. I'm going to fix everything. I'm going to make things right. Tonight. And then you'll never have to see me again."
"Never see you again? What are you talking about?" I ask. She doesn't answer. I can't take the distance between us anymore.
I feel an intense urgency to be close to her. To hold her. Before I can think about it, I'm moving towards her. I come to a stop right in front of her. I take my hand and I gently place it under her soft chin. I tilt her head up and force her to look at me. Her warm breath gently grazes my face. Her eyes stare directly into mine. They're full of so much pain and hurt. It breaks my heart.
"I don't understand what's going on. I haven't understood anything for weeks. And right now, I don't care. If you don't want to tell me, you don't have to. I won't force you to explain anything. But I do need you to promise me that you'll stay. I need you Spencer. You can't leave me." I say.
"Toby, I….I can't." she says.
"Don't you realize how much you mean to me." I say.
"Toby, you are the most kind hearted, most wonderful person, I have ever met. Even when this world has been nothing but cruel to you. You just keep on being absolutely perfect. And for some reason you decided to love me. Even when I've done nothing but hurt you. You keep forgiving me." she says.
She reaches up and wraps her delicate hand around mine. She closes her eyes for a minute and takes a deep breath. "But you need to stop. You can't keep forgiving me for ruining your life. You need to start thinking about yourself, and you need to stop thinking about me."
"I could never stop thinking about you Spencer. You are everything to me. Non of what you said is true." I say.
"All of it is true." she says.
"No it isn't." I say.
"Yes. It is. You don't need me screwing up your life anymore." she says. "I'm going to clean up this mess I've made, and than I'll be out of your life for good." she lets go of my hand and tries to slip pass me. But I grab onto her shoulders and hold her in place.
"Why are you doing this Spencer. Why do you keep shutting me out. I can help you Spencer. Just let me. Please." I beg.
"You can't help me Toby. No one can. I'm too far gone. And I….I'm just not worth it. Just let me go. You're better off without me." she says.
"No. It's not for the best. How can you even say that." I whisper. "How could you possibly think that I would be better off without you. I was nothing before I met you. I was lost and empty and broken. And than you came into my life and fixed me. You did that. You showed me that life was worth something, and that it could be wonderful. You saved Spencer. And I would go to hell and back if it meant having you at my side. So don't you dare say that I would be better off without you, because without you, I'm nothing."
Spencer's rigid body suddenly relaxes, and she leans into me. She buries her face in my chest and starts sobbing. Her arms wrap around me and her hands grab onto the thin material of my shirt.
"I'm so sorry Toby. God I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." she says. I cradle her head close to me and I wrap my other hand around her slim waist.
"It's okay Spencer. Everything's going to be okay." I say.
"I've missed you so much." she says.
"I've missed you too. I love you." I say.
"I love you too." she says. I pull away from her slightly and look down at her tear stained face. I gently drag my thumb over her soft skin and I wipe the tears away. She closes her eyes and leans into my hand, her smooth lips kiss my fingers.
I cup her face in my hands and slowly bend towards her. It feels like it's been a lifetime since I kissed her, yet the familiarity of my lips against hers is more monumental than our time apart. Her hands dance up my chest, leaving a trail of fire in their wake.
I pull her closer to me as she knots her fingers in my hair. I move my mouth from hers and I kiss down her jaw line, and slowly make my way to the base of her neck.
A small moan slips from her mouth and her hands tug at my hair. I suddenly find myself picking her up. Her legs wrap around my waist I and carry her into my bedroom. I gently set her down on my bed and she pulls me down on top of her. Her hands pull at my shirt. I raise my arms over my head so she can pull it off. She tosses my shirt to the side and presses her hands against my stomach.
Her dark brown eyes stare deep into mine. I know I should stop. I should pull away. I should ask questions and get her to talk to me. But I can't stop.
It's been so long since I've held Spencer in my arms. And I don't want to talk. I just want to be here, with her. I want to show her how much I love her. I want to show her just how much she's worth to me. How much I've missed her. And I want this moment to never end. I want us to be here, together, forever.
Spencer's POV
A strong, steady noise beats loudly in my ear. I find it oddly comforting. I sigh and push myself closer to the sound. I slowly open my eyes. I take in my surroundings.
My head is resting against Toby's smooth chest. His heartbeat echoes in my head as he breathes in and out. His muscular arms are wrapped securely around my waist. Our legs are tangled together, and a thin sheet is the only thing that covers out bodies.
I didn't mean for this to happen. I didn't plan on sleeping with Toby. All I wanted to do was tell him how sorry I was, and then I wanted to cut myself out of his life. But my resolve was cracked when he told me how much he loved me. And the moment his lips brushed against mine, I lost the war raging in my mind. In that moment, all I could think about was getting closer to him.
All the pain and the loneliness that had been crushing me was washed away the second he touched me. Spending so much time away from Toby had been ripping me apart. I didn't mean for this to happen, but I don't regret it. Especially since it is the last memory we'll share together. I had meant what I said to Toby. I'm going to make things right, and than I'm gone. He doesn't need a mess like me in his life.
I carefully slip out of his arms and I sit up in his bed. I watch Toby as he adjusts to not having me next to him. He rolls on he side, but he doesn't wake up. He looks so peaceful. A single tear rolls down my face. He's so amazing. I love him with all my heart. I wish I was good enough for him. If I believed for one second that I could become the person he deserved, I would never leave. But I can never be that person.
I glance at the clock on Toby's desk. It's almost three in the morning. I don't have much time left to do what needs to be done. I have to hurry. I quietly get out of bed. I gather up my clothes and put them back on as fast as I can. I need to leave before Toby wakes up. I can't have him try and stop me.
I'm about to walk out of the room, but something stops me. I glace back at Toby. He's still sleeping soundly. I can't leave him like this. He deserves an explanation. It's the least I can do.
I walk back into the room and take a piece of paper off his desk. I pick up a pen and I start writing. Tears stream from my eyes and fall onto the paper as I write down everything that I needed to say.
I write the note as fast as I can. I want to write more, but I don't have the time. I fold the finished note with shaking hands. I get up and walk over to Toby. I set the note on the pillow next to his head. I bend down and I softly kiss him.
"I love you." I whisper in a trembling voice. "Good bye."
Sorry for the short chapter, and sorry it's so late. I really hope you liked it. I'll try and update again in the next day or so. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE REVIEW.
-Rin Shade