Chapter 25 Consideration

AN: We'll be off on that road trip soon enough. Rukhash just needs to rest up from that nasty injury.

EDIT: Glar, I'm an arse. I should sleep on a chapter before I post it. Adding a little more to this, because it feels off in the next chapter. SORRY. (don't yell at me)

Rukhash was the worst patient Cadoc had ever seen. Auron had explained that healers often pushed themselves harder towards recovery than even the most ardent warrior. He supposed it made sense, but Cadoc couldn't help feeling anxious when he saw her up and about, moving stiffly with her injury. More than once he had argued her to rest, and on one occasion he picked her up bodily to put her back in her sickbed. Still, her mending went apace, and within a week Auron allowed her out of bed to move about short distances. He left a day later with a stern warning to Rukhash. She waved him off as she drank his medicine along with her healing potion. Cadoc shook his head and sighed, both happy to see her back to her old self and exasperated with her stubbornness.

Rukhash did not bring up her offer to be his shaûk again. A selfish part of Cadoc was relieved by this, and another part of him was pained with the knowledge that he hurt her. Cadoc had never planned a future life for them. He assumed she would want to go back to her people. He loved her, and he wanted her happy, and if that meant letting her go, he was prepared to do that. Now, she offered to remain with him, and that was a far more complicated matter all together. It brought to light a myriad of challenges that Cadoc now had to consider.

Edda had taken to the knowledge that Cadoc and Rukhash were lovers fairly easily at first, but now she often spoke of her concerns on the matter, albeit in her own graceful, quiet manner. Hedon had cornered Cadoc a few days after Auron's departure, once Rukhash's recovery was certain, and revealed, in no uncertain terms, his disquiet with the situation.

"I cannot believe that you would do something so foolish," Hedon said.

Cadoc paused at the chopping block, his axe half buried in a log of wood. Wiping his forehead, Cadoc anxiously looked towards the front of the house. Rukhash should be sleeping, or at least resting on the couch, but she had a habit wandering further than Auron had advised. Cadoc knew that the words he would exchange with Hedon would not be pleasant, and he didn't want her overhearing them.

Sighing, Cadoc pulled the axe from the wood and stuck it into the soft earth. He moved the half split log and sat on the chopping block, Hedon leaned against the house, his hands crossed across his chest. "I can understand how you would think that," Cadoc told him. "I also appreciate you waiting to bring this up."

"How you can be so casual about this?" Hedon growled. "She is an orc, Cadoc. An orc. Not some exotic woman from the east or a girl from a primitive tribe of Dunlendings. I will admit she is tamer than most of her race, but that does not make her any less an orc."

Cadoc grit his teeth and held his patience. "She has a name, Hedon."

"An orc's name!" Hedon exclaimed, throwing his hands in the air. "You have known her for barely half a year and you are already willing to throw away your good name and your honor for some ghastly union with her. I cannot comprehend what you are thinking."

Cadoc never realized how much their secrecy had shielded him from facing the real and bitter truth that he loved an orc. When they were alone, Rukhash was Rukhash, but the knowledge of their relationship would be reviled, even by those that Cadoc considered close friends.

Swallowing thickly, Cadoc prepared himself for the agitation he knew this statement would produce in Hedon. "I love her," he said simply. "That is what I am thinking."

Hedon said nothing. He sighed and squeezed his eyes shut, as if he hoped to banish this knowledge from his head forever. Running his hand anxiously through his dark hair, the young ranger sat, cross legged, on the cool grass in front of his friend and pinched the bridge of his nose with frustration. "I cannot even begin to understand that thought," Hedon told Cadoc tersely, truly disturbed.

Sighing, he regarded Cadoc with an almost forlorn expression. "You are one of my closest and oldest friends," Hedon admitted, "and many years my senior. I would not presume to tell you what to do with your life. I know your stubbornness would only rail against me. However, I would ask you to consider your choice in this matter very seriously. I would never turn my back on you, Cadoc, no matter how baffled I am by this... relationship, but others would seek your death if they knew. You would be considered immoral, and a traitor. What you two have done would be looked upon as evil."

"Is that what you think, Hedon?" Cadoc asked him quietly. "Do you believe that what I have done is evil?"

Hedon shook his head slowly, a bitter, half smile tugging at his lips. "I think it is very, very strange, and a little disturbing," he admitted. "It is not a choice I would make, or one I would think you would make, but no," Hedon smiled truly then, a sad, small smile. "I would not call it evil."

Rukhash's dark head peeked out from the porch. "Made lunch," she said hoarsely, "if ya want some."

A sick looked passed over Hedon's face and Cadoc scowled, annoyed to see her up and about when she should be recovering. "You should be resting," he admonished.

"Yea, Yea," Rukhash said, batting at the air dismissively. "I can't sit around all day doin' nothin'." The orcess scratched idly at her neck. Her hair was tied back, revealing a new, bright scar along her jaw where a blade had nicked her during the fight. "Made enough fer you too," she added, addressing Hedon.

Standing, Hedon cleared his throat uncomfortably. "I really should get going," he said anxiously.

Rukhash's mouth drew into a thin, hard line, her eyes flashing. "Come an' eat some lunch," she ordered tightly before turning and going back inside.

"How much of our conversation did she hear?" Hedon whispered nervously as Cadoc passed him and started up the porch steps.

Smiling humorlessly, Cadoc shook his head. "I would assume she heard all of it. Orcs have very sharp ears."

Rukhash had pulled apart the chicken that Edda brought them for dinner the night before. There was still a good amount of meat left, and she had made three plates, two with cheese and bread and one with just meat. Cadoc smiled a little at that and went to sit by his lunch, taking the seat next to Rukhash's meal.

"Oi," Rukhash growled. "Been out there all mornin'. Don't know why yer yellin' at me when yer choppin' wood with all them bruises still about." Rukhash paused by the stove to stir a sharp smelling concoction. "You should wash up first," she told him with a poignant look. Cadoc glanced at Hedon, who looked as though he had no desire to be left alone with her. Still, Cadoc realized what she was doing. He smiled and nodded towards the orcess as he headed to his room where the washbasin sat on a small table. Cadoc politely closed the door behind him.

Hedon had never felt so abandoned in all his life. "What is that?" he asked, thrusting his chin towards the pot on the stove. He had no desire to have a conversation with Rukhash about her relationship with Cadoc. Hedon was fairly sure she could tell him nothing that would make him feel better about it. In fact, her coarse manner would most likely make him feel worse than he already did.

"Somethin' I wanted done before I left," she answered vaguely as she stirred the viscous, black fluid. Hedon had to admit, she looked much better than when he last saw her. She still wore a robe, but this one was smaller and more fitted. It was also much shorter, reaching just past her knees. Hedon had fought orcs that wore far less than what she was wearing now, but for some reason her lack of dress made him very uncomfortable. It seemed, somehow, indecent. As though he were looking at the legs of another man's wife.

Completely appalled by that thought, Hedon sat himself at the other end of the counter, as far away from Rukhash as possible, and stared daggers at the door to Cadoc's room, wondering what was taking the older man so long.

"You known Cadoc a long time, yea?" Rukhash asked. Hedon turned to face her back. Her attention was still on the stove. "You fought together, didn't ya?"

"In the War and after," Hedon admitted.

Rukhash turned towards him then, her yellow eyes solemn. "I don't know what that is fer men," she said, "but it's a big deal fer my folk. Skutklûk they'd call each other, or Skutkranklûk if yer bein' formal 'bout it. It means 'shield brother', and most lads were closer wit' their brother in arms 'en their brother by blood, 'cause they been through so much shit together."

Hedon did not know what to say to that. It was a very manlike sentiment, and not one he would have expected of orcs. "The same can be said of men," he admitted. "I have no brothers, but Cadoc is very much like an older brother to me."

Rukhash laid her wooden spoon on a small dish and approached him seriously. "I don't wanna hurt yer brother, Hedon," she told him earnestly. "If he asked me, I'd slit my own throat fer him."

Hedon swallowed roughly. That was a very strange way to say that you loved someone. "I doubt he would ask you to do anything so drastic," Hedon told her. "I just hope you understand what he would have to give up for you. He could not remain with his people."

Rukhash's gaze lowered. "I ain't sure we could stay wit' mine," she whispered.

Hedon's brow furrowed, confused. "I have heard of men living among orcs. Did not the men of Dunland fight alongside your people?"

"Sure they did," Rukhash said with a breathy laugh, "but they didn't live with us. Just my grandad, an' I don't think he counts."

"Why not?" Hedon asked. He never knew that Rukhash's grandfather was a man.

"My folk hate yer folk," Rukhash said darkly. "It's how the Hand taught us and how the Eye wanted it, always. Our masters made us burn wit' hate fer men. Sure we fought with them Harad or the Easterlings, but they always kept themselves separate from us. The only men that I ever known ta live wit' orcs is the type that hate men as much as we do. More, even, cause that's their own kind."

Rukhash took a steadying breath. "My nan, she were real fond of my granddad, but she said she could never trust 'im. He were too shifty, an' he done things that scared 'er." Rukhash laughed mirthlessly. "Can you imagine that," she said eyeing Hedon, "big as you and just as broad and that skinny ol' git scared 'er ta death at times. He knew how to do stuff to them poor horse boys at no orc'd ever think a, cause we ain't men, an' we couldn't know the best way ta hurt ya. My granddad taught my older brothers things 'at no orc ever could."

Hedon's brow furrowed at that, and he wondered, briefly, what Rukhash had learned from her grandfather.

"Cadoc ain't like that, and I don't want 'im ta be like that," Rukhash admitted. "I wouldn't feel 'bout him the way I do if he were, an' I ain't the same girl I was when I come here. I don't think I can hate men as much as I did. I got ta knowin' ya too well. Can't say I really like livin' how ya do, but it ain't somethin worth hatin' over."

"I did not realize," Hedon said quietly, "that your time here had affected you so much."

"'Course it did," she said with a small, genuine smile. "Even with them bastards tryin' ta kill me, I still had folks on my side. Cadoc tol' me you were there wit' the rest of them what come ta help." Hedon nodded quietly, and Rukhash smiled more broadly, a little white fang peeking out from her lower lip. "An' here I always thought ya hated my guts."

"I do not hate you," Hedon told her with a deep sigh. "I, certainly, did not desire to see you dead; especially not at the hands of lawless ruffians. Though, I would not consider us friends. Acquaintances, perhaps, is a better word. "

"'At's fine by me," Rukhash laughed and picked at her lunch. "Always thought ya were a big, stupid ox, anyhow."

"So what will you do?" Hedon asked, concerned. "If you cannot live among your own people, and you could find no safe place among Cadoc's, where would you go?"

Rukhash worried her lip. "I ain't sure we're at that point," she admitted. "I'm still plannin' on goin' home, an' he still plans on leavin' me once I'm there. We ain't discussed anythin' more 'n that." Rukhash swallowed roughly. "I'd like ta stay with him," she said, her voice cracking. "I keep thinkin', now that the War's done wit', we might find some folk that met each other part way; orcs 'n men, I mean, but it sounds too wishful. Either way," Rukhash added, regarding Hedon seriously, "I don't ever mean ta teach my kids how I were taught. They might 'ave ta be careful around yer folk, but I won't teach 'em ta hate like my mum taught me. I couldn't do it, now. Whether or not their dad's an orc... or a man." Sniffing, Rukhash turned her attention to her pot on the stove.

Cadoc took that moment to appear from his room. He had changed into a loose white shirt and looked as though he washed. Though Hedon thought that Cadoc still took a good time about it, he was glad that he spoke with Rukhash. Hedon watched Cadoc approached the orcess and place his hands on her shoulders as she continued to stir. He kissed her dark head gently before sitting down to his lunch, and Hedon decided that the thought of them together was not nearly as ghastly as he imagined. He had only noticed the changes in Cadoc's demeanor. Hedon never realized how her relationship with Cadoc would affect Rukhash.

Cadoc began to eat his lunch in silence and Rukhash joined him, picking lightly at the meat on her plate. Hedon, suddenly, felt a pang of pity for the both of them. They faced two abysmal choices. They could either leave one another and abandon the love they had found together, or remain with each other and apart from the rest of the world. In truth, Hedon had never seen Cadoc care as deeply for someone as he cared for Rukhash. Cadoc's whole life had been the road and the wilderness and his duty to king and country. Even marriage had done little to change him in that regard. The fact that he would even consider abandoning that life spoke volumes to his feelings for the orcess. Hedon could not claim to know Rukhash well, but if Cadoc had changed her heart so fundamentally, if she would now consider leaving her own kind behind to remain with him, that was no less a sacrifice.

Hedon sighed to himself and ate his own lunch quietly. He wanted to wish them both happiness, but that did not appear to be a likely end.

Cadoc ran his palm along Rukhash's bare hip, admiring the leather soft texture of her dark skin, marred occasionally by a rough or raised scar. Rukhash growled low in her throat and pressed her hips against his comfortably. Cadoc had made double sure to lock the door this evening. They would be leaving in a few days, and Rukhash had suggested, not too subtly, that she wanted to enjoy their last few nights in the safe privacy of the cottage. Her wound was healed completely now, an amazing recovery over the past week. Cadoc had endured her healing medicine himself, despising the taste, but he could not deny its very real benefits. She mended in less than half the time she should have.

Feeling mostly sated, since they had just rolled off of each other a few moments prior, Cadoc contented himself with idly caressing her. Her eyes were half lidded and dark in the gloom of his room. The small fire in the hearth flickered red against her sweat damp skin. There was a pleased little smile on her face as she enjoyed his light touch. Cadoc would miss this the most; not the physical aspect of their relationship, but the quiet, peaceful time afterwards when the world seemed miles away and it was just the two of them. He could not imagine what it would be like to leave her, the aching loss it would be in his heart.

"What would we do," Cadoc asked her quietly, "if I stayed with you?"

Rukhash's eyes opened at that, and she regarded him seriously, a concerned expression on her face. "I ain't sure," she admitted. "Maybe we might find a group a my folk that were livin' real peaceful like, but I ain't sure how you'd like it, even if they weren't in the mind ta kill ya on sight."

Cadoc frowned and cupped her cheek. "You have managed well enough among my people," he told her. "I am willing to try to live among yours if they would accept us, and we would be safe with them."

Rukhash snickered quietly, an amused glint in her eye. "Yer so prim an' proper 'bout things," she giggled and pulled him closer. "I think the first girl what walked by ya with her tits hangin' out would near give ya a heart attack."

A troubled line appeared on Cadoc's brow. "Are all orcs so open about such things?" he asked.

"I ain't met an orc what weren't," Rukhash snorted. "That sort a thing ain't a big deal to my folk. A lad'll mount a girl right in the main den if 'e has a mind fer it, an' no one'll really give a care, though ya might get a few cheers if folks feel like bein' rowdy."

Cadoc blinked a little at that. He wondered if he could endure such a flagrant breech of propriety. He supposed it would be no different that observing wild animals mating. Still, knowing Rukhash as he did, he wasn't sure if he could regard an orc in the same way he would an animal. "Would it be rude if I removed myself from such a situation?" he asked, curious. He wondered what sort of decorum would be appropriate, or if orcs had a set of unspoken rules when it came to such things.

Rukhash pursed her lips thoughtful. "Well," she said at length, "if you just up an' left in a huff folks'd think you were bein' prissy 'bout it. I mean, they'd probably give ya a hard time anyhow, but if they really knew it bothered ya, they'd probably do it twice as much in front a ya just ta get a rise outta you."

"You are saying they would tease me," Cadoc frowned.

"They'd tease ya anyhow," Rukhash told him seriously. "That's normal fer orcs. If they're just teasin' ya, then they like ya. If they're bein' nasty 'bout it, then ya got a fight on yer hands. There's a difference between givin' ya a hard time an' meanin' ya harm."

Cadoc felt he could endure a little good natured ribbing. Certainly, Rukhash enjoyed teasing him about his propriety. She had, on more than one occasion, told him that she liked to make his face red. "Well," Cadoc said with a small smile, "I suppose, if you can become accustomed to dresses and etiquette, then I can become accustomed to a... looser form of conduct."

"That's if yer not shot on sight," Rukhash replied soberly.

Cadoc nodded quietly. "I would still like to try," Cadoc said as he ran his knuckles along her throat. "Perhaps we will be lucky and find a tribe of orcs that is amiable, or a village of men in Nûrn that will not think unkindly of our relationship."

"Maybe," she said with a small smile. "What if we don't?"

"Have you changed your mind," Cadoc whispered uneasily. Rukhash shook her head adamantly, and Cadoc smiled at her. "Well," he said, pulling her closer and pressing his lips to her collar, "Maybe we could start our own tribe."

Rukhash pulled away from him, her eyes shining as she stared at him, moved by his words. "You mean that?" she said in a breathy whisper. "You'd want ta be my mate?"

"I know we have not discussed this at length," he told her quietly. "I have debated this within myself for the past few weeks, because I wanted to be sure before I suggested such a thing. I would be honored to be the father of you children, if you would have me as such. I would prefer if we waited until we found some place to settle, but I want to stay with you. I would call you my wife or shaûk, if you prefer that title."

Rukhash embraced him fiercely. "Yer sure?" she asked him, amazed that he would agree to such a thing. "Cadoc, it'll be hard, an' our kids, they'd be half..."

"I know," Cadoc held her a little tighter. "I have thought of this already, but I cannot go back to a life of fighting your people, not after knowing you, and the thought of leaving you pains me. Besides," Cadoc added with a soft smile as he brushed his thumb along the watery rim of her eyes, "I think we would make lovely children."

A sad look crossed Rukhash's features. "What about yer sis an' yer mum and yer friends here?" she asked, worried that he might somehow retract this offer. To have him agree to be her shaûk and then change his mind because he missed his family would be devastating.

"I have already spoken to Edda on this," Cadoc told her. "There are posts in Ithilien and South Gondor, not far from the boarder of Mordor, that I can send word from, and if we are settled in Nûrn, there are outposts in Lithlad to protect the people there. I would miss my sister, but I will find a way to keep in touch with her."

"You really thought this out," Rukhash said with a smile, then frowned. "What do ya mean the people there? You mentioned villages a men, but there ain't no men in Nûrn."

Cadoc was not sure how to tell her this. It seemed like a great injustice, what was done, now that he thought about it. "King Elessar gave the land north of the sea to the slaves of Barad dûr," he told her, and watched her face fall in despair. "There are outposts of Gondor soldiers to safeguard them from your people, and also bands of outlaws who would cause them trouble."

"What about the lands south a Mordor," Rukhash said quietly, terrified to know the answer. "South a Ithilien, beyond the river. That were mostly empty. I know some a my folk come from there. They served in Lugbúrz wit' the rest of us, but their homes were south a Duath."

Cadoc swallowed anxiously, but he would not hide the truth from her. "There were great campaigns after the war to clear that territory. It is still quite wild in some places, but mostly settled now. They are not large villages, but there is law there."

A frantic look was on her now. "Well," she said tightly, "what about the marshes, an the land north and east a the big river? There were lots a clans from there." Cadoc shook his head quietly, unsure of what to tell her. Rukhash was sitting up now, slightly panicked. "What about Gorgoroth? There were thousands a troops an' war camps there; hundreds a thousands. Whole tribes come from the far east ta fight."

"The eruption of Mount Doom destroyed those plains," Cadoc told her. "Nothing lived there for many years. It is only recently that life has returned, and I am not sure if there are many orcs in that area."

Rukhash's eyes darted around uneasily. A part of her had known, somehow, that there were far fewer of her people than there once was. The fact that she had come across only a small tribe of reclusive goblins in her years alone was evidence enough of that. When she escaped Isengard with her brother, they had met with many bands of both marauders and refugees heading towards Mordor. Though, to know so assuredly what Cadoc's people had done, that they had cut down her kind without mercy, that her folk were relegated to those parts of the world men had not yet decided to inhabit, it was a bitter taste in her mouth.

Orcs were not in the habit of feeling deep attachment to people they didn't know, not even other orcs. That did not make the knowledge that her race was nearly eradicated easier to bear. The death of an orc she had no attachment to may not wound her personally, but it made everything that much harder. Where could she possibly go now? Even without Cadoc at her side, she would still be in constant danger.

Cadoc was sitting up now, troubled that she could not meet his gaze. If he could take back his part in what was done, he would. "Rukhash, " Cadoc said gently, laying a hand on her shoulder, "there is still the land south of the Nûrn sea, and the forests and mountains of Duath and the Mountains of Shadow that remained untouched. I have even heard that uruks come down from the Mithram Spur and Ash Mountains to cause trouble, so tribes must hail from there as well."

Rukhash regarded Cadoc for a long moment. A part of her wanted to ask what part he played in this slaughter, but she immediately thought better of it. She knew from the moment that she met him that he was an enemy to her people, and in fairness, Rukhash had killed her share of men, some in terrible ways, and she was not even a warrior. The past was the past, and she could no more rescind her actions than he could.

"I don't think it's gonna be easy," she said with a bitter smile, "findin' a tribe that'll let ya in."

Cadoc embraced her and rested his cheek against her hair. "It is your choice," he told her, "if you wish to stay with me or not. I will understand if you do not wish to remain with me."

Pressing herself more closely to him, she closed her eyes and breathed in his scent. She would never leave him. He was her shaûk, the companion of her heart, where he went, she would go too. "You ain't gettin' rid a me that easy," she said with a smirk. "I'm stuck on ya."

Cadoc kissed the sensitive juncture of her neck. "I am glad for that," he said.