Chapter Twenty Five

After Castiel leaves, Dean doesn't waste any time, grabs all his belongings, stuffs them in his bags and gets in his car. Furiously, he drives, pushes thoughts of Cas out of his mind because he can't think of him, can't keep thinking about him, especially when this Castiel doesn't want him like Dean needs him to want him. He can't be in the same room as him, can't even think about him because it fucking hurts and it's not fair, none of this is fucking fair. He drives for hours, not stopping until he gets to Bobby's cabin, knows that he needs to be here because a little while down the line he's going to have to go to the warehouse a few miles from here and die for Castiel, die so they can be together.

When he gets to the cabin, he collapses onto the bed, screaming in frustration at his whole fucking life because none of it is fair. He wants to see Cas, wants to kiss him, wants to hold him but he knows he can't and if he can't do that he can't see Cas. He can't see Cas and not do that, pretend that they're just friends, that he doesn't love Cas like that so its better if he doesn't see him at all. It's better for the both of them even though Dean more than fucking wants to, wants nothing more to just bathe in the vision of Cas, of alive Cas but he's not going to, can't give himself the luxury.

When his phone starts ringing the next morning, he ignores it, doesn't even see as to who is calling, knows it's a possibility of only two people and he doesn't want to talk to either. He doesn't want to see or talk to Cas because it hurts and he doesn't want to talk to Chuck because he's only going to ask questions that Dean doesn't want to answer. If not that, Chuck is going to try and sympathise with him, is going to assume why Dean wakes up screaming Cas' name every night and is going to try and help him through this and Dean doesn't want help, doesn't want anyone to pity him or try and empathise. He knows if he answers Chuck's phone calls he's going to say or do something stupid in return.

Dean tries to keep busy, cleans around the cabin like a fucking housewife even though it's already clean, goes to the nearest supermarket and buys heaps and heaps of food so he won't have to leave the cabin for a while, telling himself it's because he doesn't want to be caught by any demons or angels but in reality, he just doesn't want to see people, not even strangers.

The next day, his phone rings again, three or four times making Dean's heart clench threateningly as he sees Cas' name light up the screen so Dean turns it off and stuffs it in the bottom drawer of his cabinet and forgets about it because it hurts too much to think about it. He doesn't know why Cas is calling him but he knows he's not in danger so he doesn't feel too guilty about it. Well, he feels guilty, more guilty than he wants to feel but still, he doesn't get the phone back out, leaves it at the back of his cabinet and pretends that it's not there.

He works hard at being okay, forces himself to smile which makes him feel like an idiot because there's no one and nothing to smile at but still, he forces it, looks at himself in the mirror and forces a smile, forces himself to laugh when something funny happens on the television, anything to try and make himself act like his normal self, to pretend everything is fine.

During the day, things are getting better, he doesn't break down, he gets on with his everyday life, showers, eats, forces himself to be normal.

The night is a different matter. He still wakes up screaming, still wakes up sobbing but now he's more prepared for it and he manages to get back to sleep in an hour or so, not letting it affect him during the day, puts it in the back of his mind.

It's four days since he's seen Castiel and he's trying his hardest not to think about it. Whenever he is, whenever the angel flits into his mind, he puts on the television and watches whatever is on, more often than not Doctor Sexy MD, anything to get his mind off the angel.

This is exactly what he's doing when Cas appears.

He doesn't notice him at first, is so engrossed in the programme, feeling protected in Bobby's cabin that he doesn't even hear the tell-tale flutter of wings. He's not even sure how long he's there until Dean notices, senses someone in the room with him, making his hunter senses tingle, his hand going to the back of his jeans when he hears a sound behind him.

Dean turns his head as fast as possible, ready to shoot whatever fucker has found him or grab the angel blade underneath the couch cushion and kill it with that but he freezes when he sees that it's Cas, relaxing somewhat in the knowledge that he's not going to have to fight but still feeling on edge because right there is fucking Cas.

When his heart has slowed down slightly he manages to speak out, "Cas?"

"You have been ignoring my calls," Castiel remarks, a slight pissed off look on his face and that's not fair because Dean should be the one who is pissed here at the fact that the angel had somehow found him, had gone against his wishes.

"How did you find me?" Dean asks with a frown because no way could the angel have found him, he still has the sigils on his ribs and Cas should not be able to find him and he shouldn't be here, he can't be here.

"Chuck told me," Castiel explains curtly, looking very annoyed at the fact that he's had to go through Chuck, quickly looks around his surroundings before settling his gaze back on Dean's.

"Course he did," Dean mutters with a shake of his head. When Cas leaves, Dean is going to have some fucking words with that prophet. Why the fuck did he think he could do this? Bring Cas here when he knows full well that Dean can't see him, can't bear to be near him.

Castiel steps forward, his gaze never leaving Dean's, voice calm, but Dean can hear the hurt in his voice, the confusion under all that facade, "What he didn't tell me is why you are avoiding me."

"I'm not avoiding you!" Dean protests, getting up to his feet and turning to meet Castiel which is a fucking mistake because the angel is close, too fucking close to not bring memories back, to bring all of it back.

Castiel narrows his eyes, clearly not getting that he should shut the fuck up and leave this, should fly away and never come back, "Dean, just tell me what's going in with you."

Dean wants to explain everything. To tell him about what happens between the two of them and not just the bad stuff, not just that they had died for each other but the good stuff too, the day spent on the beach, the making out sessions in motel rooms they had while Sam was off doing other things, the nights of just being together and cuddling up as they both fell asleep, the promises of what they would do once the apocalypse was over.

But Dean can't explain it. Can't explain how looking at Cas is too much, looking at Cas just being there, breathing, and in that damn trench coat and fucking backward tie is all too much, too much for Dean to handle. How much it fucking hurts to just look at him and know that he can't reach out and touch him, can't tell him that he loves him, can't stop him from dying by Lucifer's hand. He can prolong it, can walk into that warehouse a few miles from here and die for him, let Castiel live for a little while longer, let them have a little while longer but he's still going to die. Lucifer is still going to kill him in a warehouse, the only difference is that it will be later rather than sooner and that Lucifer will die with him.

"I just can't see you alright," Dean whispers, lowers his gaze because he just can't.

Castiel doesn't walk away, can't see what he's doing to Dean by just being here, makes it all the more worse by stepping forward, threateningly close to Dean, nearly as close as Dean's Cas would stand, "Why not?"

"Because you being here-" Dean starts, looks up which is a fucking mistake because Cas is right there, is mere inches from his face, blue eyes searching for something from Dean's.

"Dean, tell me, please," Castiel pleads, still not taking his eyes from Dean's and he's still fucking there.

"With you being here, it's difficult for me not to-" Dean starts but he can't finish, not when Castiel is so close to him, not when it would be so very easy to lean forward those few inches and press his lips to the angels, to let his hands tangle in his hair. And Dean wants to, wants nothing more than to be selfish and kiss him, wants nothing more than to let his mouth collide with Cas', for them to be together again.

"Difficult for you not to what?" Castiel persists and Dean doesn't know whether he does it on purpose but Castiel leans in ever so slightly, probably involuntary, a way to just to try and get answers but it breaks Dean, breaks every fibre of his being.

"For me not to-" Dean tries again, tries to keep his strength, to try and fight this but before he knows he's crashing his lips against Castiel's, a surprised sound coming from the back of Cas' throat. Dean's hands are on Castiel's cheeks, holding him there, ignoring the fact that the angel is frozen below him, that he's not kissing back. Dean needs this, needs to kiss him one last time, to feel Cas' lips on his own, something that is so second nature, so right.

But then he realises what he's doing, that Cas still isn't kissing him back, is utterly still in Dean's hold and fuck, he shouldn't be doing this, shouldn't be forcing the angel to do something he doesn't want to just because Dean wants it, shouldn't be kissing the guy when he doesn't want it.

Dean steps back, dropping his arms from Cas' cheeks, feeling like he's going to vomit because he's fucked it up, fucked it up even more than he has before and Cas is going to leave and this is going to be his last memory of Cas, his last proper memory before he dies and he's completely fucked it up.

Castiel watches him, confusion written in his gaze, says as calm as ever, "You kissed me."

Dean groans because hearing it out loud is worse, looks away from Cas' face because he doesn't deserve to look at him, apologises profusely, "Fuck Cas, I shouldn't have done that, I'm sorry. Just forget it ever happened okay."

Dean tries to put more distance between them, to give Castiel more space but a hand wraps around his wrist, stilling him. Dean looks down at it in surprise, not sure where to go from here, where he wants to go from here, so he settles on, "Just go, please."

Still, Castiel doesn't let go, carries on watching him, asks quietly, "Why did you kiss me?"

"Only you would ask why someone would kiss you," Dean laughs but there's no humour there because this situation is the most fucked up thing and none of it is okay.

"In the future we are-" Castiel starts, seeming to hesitate in finishing the sentence and halts to a stop, fingers still curled around Dean's wrist.

"Yeah we are. But that doesn't mean that we have to-" Dean starts because he's not going to force Cas in to doing anything, he won't. But then he's being cut off as Castiel steps into his space again, mashing their mouths together roughly with inexperience. It takes Dean a moment to sort his mind out but then he's kissing back, hands in Cas' hair, tugging him closer, needing there to be no space between them, needing this. Castiel opens his mouth and Dean's tongue is granted entrance and Dean takes it, deepening the kiss, suppressing a moan when Castiel's hands fit perfectly on his waist gently because this is all he wants, he just wants Cas to be here, in his arms, to make him forget, to make him remember Cas as his living self, not the burnt out vessel on the floor.

Dean breaks free of the kiss, still holding Cas in his arms to gage Cas' reaction, to see whether he wants this like Dean wants it. Castiel seems to understand what he's looking for, mutters, "I would like us to be together now, not just in the future."

Dean nearly cries right there because he's got his Cas back. The angel, even in the past, wants him, wants to be his. And it makes him want to go thump his past self for waiting so long, for him thinking the angel didn't want him back when he did. The fact that they could have had so much longer together if Dean would have just sorted his shit out sooner makes him want to scream in frustration, makes him think of all the days they had missed because of Dean's stupid insecurities, because of his fucking self hatred.

But right in front of him is Castiel, looking at him with complete trust, with complete devotion and Dean forgets everything apart form the angel in front of him, guides himself from Cas' arms and takes a step back to take them both to the couch. Castiel doesn't seem to get it though, frowns as Dean leaves his hold, making Dean smile at how awkward this Castiel is at this stuff, how unsure he is. Reaching out, Dean takes a hold of Castiel's hand and leads them to the couch, Dean sitting down, tugging Cas to join him. Again, Castiel seems unsure, goes to sit next to him but Dean isn't having any of that, pulls at Castiel until he's sitting on his lap, straddling his hips.

"That's better," Dean smiles because this is all so right, so second nature as he leans in and kisses Castiel again, arms wrapped around his waist. He kisses slow and gentle though, careful to remember that this Castiel is new at this, is still unsure of the physicalness of it all. Castiel complies gently back, fingers gliding through Dean's hair.

Dean drops his mouth to Castiel's neck, kisses him there, Castiel letting out a small whimper above him. Dean stops the kiss, chuckles into Cas' neck because he can't believe they're here again, that he's got Cas back, even if it's only for a little while, he's got his angel back.

And the angel isn't broken yet, Dean hasn't broken him. He hasn't completely fallen yet, hasn't had to lose Dean yet, doesn't wake up screaming from the memories of Dean dying. Hell, he still has his damn trench coat hanging off him like a second skin.

"What?" Castiel asks, interrupting his thoughts, frowning down at Dean, his cheeks flushed.

"Nothing, it's just, we're on the sofa, you're fucking straddling me and you're still wearing your freaking trench coat," Dean's grins, trying to explain without having to really explain his true thoughts.

"Oh," Cas looks down at his attire, still frowning, "Is that a problem?"

"No," Dean pecks Castiel quickly on the lips, "it's just so- you, to still wear the trench coat when we're doing this. It's just- I've missed this."

And he had, more than he could ever let Cas know. He'd missed him with his entire being, missed everything about the angel in front of him. And when Castiel leans in to kiss him again, hands around Dean's neck, Dean never wants to let go, never wants to stop this, to leave Cas again but he knows he has to. He knows that soon he'll have to walk into that warehouse and die for him and then further down the line, Cas is going to do the same for him. And Dean hates them both for what they have to do, what they will do over and over for each other but he also knows that he wouldn't change it, would go through all the shit if it meant they could have moments like this, have moments where they're just together, where they're in each other's arms.

Cas seems to be having an epiphany of his own, buries his head in Dean's neck, whispers breathlessly, "It's always been you."

"It'll always be you Cas," Dean replies honestly, kissing Cas' neck because it's true, it's always going to be Cas. As soon as Castiel had grabbed a hold of him and pulled him out of Hell, it had been Cas and only Cas. The angel had remade him, pieced together all the broken parts of him through the time they had been together, had fixed him. The angel that Dean would willingly go back for, would die for.

"Why?" Castiel asks.

Dean pulls away from Castiel, Cas looking at him questioningly, making Dean frown, "What do you mean why?"

"Why would you want to be with me?" Castiel mutters, cheeks flushed and just the fact that Cas feels the need to even ask that question hurts Dean more than he thought it would because it's his fault that Cas has to question it, why he doesn't just take it without a thought.

"Because it's you Cas," Dean explains with a smile, replies honestly, "I mean, you saved me, and not just from Hell, from everything. You just saved me. After thousands of years you chose Earth, you chose me, over Heaven, over your own brothers and sisters. You chose humanity."

This doesn't seem to calm Castiel's doubts though, his face falling, voice small, "So you are doing this as a return for that?"

"What? No!" Dean protests, heart lurching that Cas could even think that, "What do you fucking take me for?"

Castiel doesn't reply, his hands falling from Dean's neck, fiddling with the collar of Dean's t-shirt, an impassive look on his face but Dean can see the hurt behind it, the worry that Dean doesn't really want this.

"I'm not doing this a favour, fucking hell Cas. You know what I've done for other people who've saved my life? Got them a freaking beer and said thanks. I mean, sure, I want to be with you because of those things but there's other things as well," Dean explains, cursing that he's shit with words when it comes to this because he needs Cas to see, needs to see how much he wants to be with him.

"Like what?" Castiel asks, eyes finally looking up at Dean's curiously.

Dean huffs a breath of air, letting himself ramble, smiling when Castiel starts to relax in his arms, "Well, for starters, because you're the most fucking annoying person I've ever met. You don't get sarcasm, the jokes you do make are freaking terrible, you don't know good music or good films, you don't stop staring ever, you live in that trench coat for no damn reason but you know what the most annoying thing about you is?"

"What?" Castiel mouth upturns slightly.

"That all those things just make me fucking want you more, that they all just pile up and all of them together makes you, like, the perfect person for me which doesn't even fucking make sense."

Castiel looks at him for a moment, head titled and then he asks dryly, "When has your life ever made sense?"

"Good point," Dean grins because Cas is right, his life hadn't made sense ever.

Castiel smiles at him, sighs contently when Dean nuzzles his neck with his nose, leaving trails of kisses until he finds Castiel's mouth again, smiling against Cas' mouth.

"So," Castiel asks, breath unsteady, "What happens now?"

"How about we watch a movie?" Dean smiles, kissing the corner of Cas' mouth, wanting to just be in Cas' company for as long as possible.

Castiel smiles, "I would like that."

"Okay," Dean smiles back, taking all of Cas in before he realises that he's been staring for a good few minutes and coughs awkwardly, "Um, Cas, you've got to move if I'm going to put a film on."

Red hits Castiel's cheeks as he murmurs a small 'oh' before moving off Dean's lap, Dean kissing him gently before standing up. He makes his way to the cabinet, looks through the DVD collection that Bobby has got and picks up any random old film, not even caring what it will entail, too happy at the fact that Castiel is with him.

It doesn't take long for him to pop in the DVD, sitting back on the couch, one arm wrapping around Castiel's shoulder and pulling him closely to his side as he presses play, smiles when Cas drops his head on Dean's shoulder. Dean can't help but tilt his head, kissing Cas shortly and then leaning back from him. Castiel seems to have other ideas, leans forward to kiss him again insistently, Dean laughing against his mouth.

The next few hours is much the same, both of them finding each other's mouths, kissing with hands running through each other's hair and then breaking free with red cheeks and swollen mouths, back to watching the television again.

At some point near the end of the film, Dean ends up kissing Cas again, this time Cas lowering down onto the couch, Dean falling on top of him, kissing him roughly, Castiel's arms wrapped around his waist, giving him back just as much as Dean is giving him, tongues sliding against each other.

Dean breaks free when it's starts to get a little too heated, nuzzles Cas' nose, kissing the tip of it with a smile, "Watch the movie Cas."

Castiel lets out a small sigh of what sounds like irritation but tightens his hold of Dean all the same when Dean drops his head to Cas' chest.

Unsurprisingly, it doesn't take long before Dean feels his eyes start to flicker shut as he listens to the thud of Cas' heart against his ear, the feel of Castiel's arms wrapped protectively around him, one of Dean's hands grasping onto the trench coat as he is slowly lulled to sleep.

"Dean. Dean, wake up."

Dean jolts awake, relaxes when he sees that it's Castiel waking him up, that they're not in any danger, smiling at the fact that he's still in Cas' arms from the night before.

Castiel looks at him sadly, murmurs, "Dean, I have to go."

"Okay, I'll be here," Dean promises, kissing Castiel gently on the lips before entangling himself from Cas, getting up off the sofa and groaning at his protesting muscles. It isn't until he starts to walk away that he realises what today is, that today he sends them the text to tell them where the colt is which means Castiel is flying to his past self and Sam after they had saw the news on the earthquakes, remembers how guilty he had felt, how guilty Sam had felt and how Castiel had helped them through it.

He turns back to a now standing Castiel, gently holding Castiel's wrist, "Whatever happens, don't feel guilty okay? And try and make past me and Sammy not feel guilty."

"What are you talking about?" Castiel asks, voice wavering, gaze searching.

Dean can't tell him, can't bear to talk about all those people dying, not now, so instead he kisses Cas' forehead, murmuring against his skin, "You should go Cas."

Castiel looks at him for another beat before he nods and disappears.

Dean stares at the spot that Castiel had been, feeling more than a little overwhelmed at what had happened in the past twenty four hours, that he'd gotten Cas back, had had the angel in his arms, everything he had wanted and more.

He stops short when he realises that it hadn't been down to him that the angel had found him, that if it would have been up to him they wouldn't have met each other again at all. He sighs, realising that a certain prophet deserves a phone call. He goes back to the cabinet, blindly searches until he grabs a hold of his phone, first waiting for the correct time to send that damn text telling his past self where the colt is. After that, guiltily ignoring how many phone calls he had received from both Cas and Chuck in the past two days, he dials Chuck's number.

The prophet answers the phone call almost immediately.

"Dean?"

"Hey Chuck," Dean says weakly, "Um, I'm guessing you're a little pissed that I've been ignoring your calls, huh?"

"No, I've just- I've just been worried about you," Chuck explains, carefully not mentioningwhy he's been worried, that he must have saw how much of a mess he's been through his dreams of him.

"Is that why you sent the angel shaped cavalry?" Dean asks, making his way to the kitchen, preparing his breakfast slash lunch with one hand.

"Yeah," Chuck says, "I knew you would be pissed at me for it but I saw in my dreams that it went well so I decided to do it anyway. You're not mad are you?"

Dean laughs, "Well, when he first appeared I was all ready to hop on a plane so I could kick your ass but now, not so much."

"Okay," Chuck breathes a sigh of relief, "Good."

"Thanks Chuck, for y'know, telling him where I am. I didn't think I could see him but I was wrong," Dean says quietly.

"Yeah, I know," Chuck says softly back, still not broaching the elephant in the room, that Cas must have died in the future to make Dean feel like this, to make him think he couldn't see Cas, make him wake up screaming his name.

"From now on, when you call me, I'll answer okay?" Dean says, changing the subject.

"You better," Chuck warns and adds hesitatingly, "And if you ever want to call me, about anything, you can okay?"

"Yeah, okay," Dean murmurs, "Thanks Chuck."

"You're welcome," Chuck replies.

"Look, I've gotta go, I'm starving but I'll, er, talk to you whenever okay?"

"Okay, bye Dean," Chuck says, "Just, look after yourself okay?"

"Yeah, yeah, and you," Dean says, hanging up with a small smile, glad that he's finally sorted that out. He doesn't know whether he'll ever accept Chuck's offer and call him up and talk to him about all his shitty problems but maybe he'll call him to forget about his problems, another constant in the past like him being with Cas, something to take his mind off everything. Chuck is his friend, through everything that they'd been together and talking to him about random shit might actually make Dean feel more normal, help Dean forget, help him through all this. Yeah, maybe he'll take up Chuck's offer after all.

It isn't until later that Dean realises that today's the first time he hasn't woken up screaming.