So thrilled at the reaction to the last chapter! Here's a double update :- )

Post 1.14 Zip Zip Zip.

Furniture

"Did Ted and Victoria bang?" he asks excitedly.

"You have way too much interest in your best friend's sex life," she frowns.

"I'm his wingman. Did they?"

"Yes," says Lily, and Barney punches the air, "And Marshall and I were trapped in the bathroom,"

"Right, I forgot about your anniversary vacation thing," he says carelessly.

"Well, we decided not to both going, but when we came back here Victoria and Ted were doing caramel eyes at each other on the couch, so we got stuck in the bathroom,"

"Shower sex," he smirks.

"Yes, because we'd have done that with Ted in the next room," she says sarcastically.

"Lily, I'vehad shower sex in your bathroom with all three of you in the next room,"

"Remind me to disinfect the bathroom. Anyway, how was your night?"

"Great. That Robin chick's not half bad at Laser Tag,"

"You've known her for months I reckon you can stop calling her 'that Robin chick',"

He shrugs, "We hung out at MacLaren's and we went to cigar club and Laser Tag. She's cool,"

"Sounds like you two had a good time,"

"Then I took my clothes off,"

"What?!"

"She said she wanted to 'play battleship' and we all know what that means. So we get back to her place and I start birthday suiting up, and she's all, 'Mmm, baby I'd love to, but I'm just too tired,' and I'm all, 'That's alright honey. You've got my number,'- kind of like you and me are every night. Anyway though, Robin's a girl so she's probably all 'sex is about feelings' –ergh- which isn't helpful as she's in love with Ted,"

Barney stops suddenly and stage-whispers, "Did I say that out loud?"

"It's not news- I know," Lily says flatly.

"Oh," he's disappointed, "There goes my big reveal. Actually that was gonna be last night-what up!"

Lily returns his high-five.

"It might be fun to screw them all up though," Barney continues thoughtfully, "Put Ted in hot water. He deserves it since he started this I-want-to-meet-the-love-of-my-life quest. First Robin, then sock monkey girl who beat him up, now Victoria. He's blown me off four times over the last three months cos he's been hung up over some chick. And the Bro Code states that a bro should only blow off a bro to blow off a chick, if you know what I mean,"

"Unfortunately, I do. But more importantly- you are not spreading this Ted/ Victoria/ Robin thing around. Its secret- even I haven't told anyone,"

"That is impressive," Barney remarks.

"Exactly. So don't go messing with Ted, or Robin, or Victoria,"

"Not even a little?" he pleads, "It'll be fun. Cos Robin's jealous and Ted's moved on but I reckon he still likes Robin, and Ted's so funny when he's in trouble, and we all need chaos in our lives,"

"No we don't. We need to support Ted and Victoria, and not make things weird between him and Robin," Lily explains, "You know what, Barney- we'll deal with the relationship stuff, you keep on man-whoring your way across the city,"

"I prefer the term lothario to man-whore- and Lily Adrin, did you just encourage me you keep defiling on the women of New York?"

"I didn't mean-"

"For all your 'Ew, you're crazy,' you really think I'm awesome, don't you?"

"Just keep quiet about Robin and Ted, okay?" she pleads.

"I'll do it if you say I'm awesome," he smirks.

Sometimes there's no point arguing with him. "You're awesome,"

"Can I have it in writing?"

"Don't push your luck,"

"Alright, it'll be recorded on the cameras there are in here anyway,"

"What?" she asks.

"What? Did I just say something?" laughs Barney, backpedalling, "Well, you know me; I'm insane. I don't stop saying random and stupid and annoying-"

"Whatever. Just please don't mention this whole thing to any of them,"

"Cross my heart and hope to die, lame-o Boy Scout's honour, I swear on the Rebel Alliance,"

But on game night when Barney remembers the story of Ted's re-return, he can't help himself.