Chapter 25

Sara was making good progress in hospital. She was able to sit up without too much pain and the bruising and swelling had gone down mostly. There were no signs of the long term illnesses the doctors anticipated such as brain damage or her major organs not functioning properly either. Her leg was still in a cast but she knew she was lucky if that's all she had to deal with physically. She would be back on her feet in no time. The biggest problem was anxiety. Her rational mind knew she was home and safe and that Carter was dead. This didn't quieten her irrational mind. She still couldn't sleep well at night in fear that someone would come to hurt her or her son. She had trouble trusting people too. She was okay around the team but apart from Catherine's visit she hadn't spoken to them yet about what happened and even then she hadn't really told Catherine anything she didn't already know. But even if she could open up she had no idea what she would say or where to begin; it felt like someone had taken all her thoughts put them in a blender then deposited them back in her head. She felt happy to be home, ecstatic that she could give Lucas a better life now, nervous about what faced her in the future, excited about her new relationship with Grissom but too vulnerable to allow much intimacy with him all at the same time. It was overwhelming and she had no idea what to do about it. On top of all that thoughts of the last three years terrorised her day and night. She had kept them under control while she had been in that house because she couldn't afford to break down. She had often gone into autopilot but now that she had let her barriers down she had to deal with it. This was probably another reason she had trouble speaking about her ordeal; she didn't want to think about it more than she had too.

The team noticed that she was struggling emotionally too. They did what they could for her. She appreciated the fact that they didn't push her to talk about it and just made sure she knew they were there for her. The gang was more worried than they let on though. Not only was she struggling emotionally but she was having trouble putting weight back on. Doctors confirmed this was for no physical reason and she was able to eat and digest normally, it was a psychological issue and once again Sara wouldn't talk to them about it and only got annoyed if they tried.

About a week after they first brought into hospital Sara, Lucas and Grissom sat alone in the room. Grissom was holding Lucas so that Sara could eat her dinner; but things were never going to be that simple.

"Sara please. Just have a little bit." Grissom pleaded.

Sara just stared at the food as she pushed it around the plate with her fork. She was biting her lip to hold back tears.

"Please sweetie, you know they won't let you leave here until you put some weight on. I just want you and Lucas home."

Sara glared at him, her eyes alight with anger and frustration, "and you think I don't?"

"Honey, I didn't mean it like that. I'm sorry, it's just... I wish we could take you home and get on with things. For everything to go back to normal." He admitted picking up the hand that was not holding her cutlery and lightly kissing her knuckles.

Sara looked away and continued pushing the food around the plate. She was ashamed of her outburst; Grissom only had her best interests at heart. "I know. I'm sorry. But things are never going to be normal again Grissom," she sighed in a tone that suggested she was resigned to her situation.

"No, I suppose you're right but we can make the best of it. I love you, you know?"

Sara smiled slightly but with sadness in her eyes, "you just think you do, Grissom. It's just the fallout of everything that has been going on. In a couple of months it'll be back to the way things were."

Just like the occasional times before when Sara had given him an insight to her thoughts Grissom was shocked. How could she think that after everything that they had been through?

His reply was calm with an undertone of anger, "Sara look at me." When she refused he just stared at her until she relented. Finally she looked into his eyes with tears brimming in hers. "I know I have hurt you in the past and I'm sorry for that; you have no idea how much I regretted pushing you away after I thought we had lost you. I love you."

Sara looked away again at those last few words.

"Sara, I asked you to look at me."

She reluctantly looked back at him.

"Thank you," he said sternly and then continued more calmly, "I understand if you don't want to trust me. In our line of work we see abuse victims all the time and how the idea of close relationships scares them. We can take things at a speed you are more comfortable with or not at all if that's what you want. I won't judge you and no hard feelings."

Grissom regretted saying this the moment it left his mouth. Sara looked petrified and her eyes were swimming intears that she was desperately trying to hold back, "No, I'm not scared of you and I do trust you. It's only him I hate. I sort of compartmentalised everything. I'm not scared of men. He was so far gone from being recognisably human I don't associate him with you or the boys, you all mean the world to me. I want to be with you, honestly I do."

"Then why do you think I'll hurt you? Did I do something?"

"No Grissom," she shook her head vigorously. "You didn't do anything wrong. Quite the opposite. You've been so good to me and Lucas. It's more than I deserve." Again she looked away, ashamed and vulnerable, and she withdrew her hand using it to push away her untouched plate of dinner. She had disclosed more information than she was ready to right now but something about Grissom made it easy to do so.

Grissom didn't know what to reply. He was very confused.

"Sara what do you mean it's more than you deserve?"

Sara shrugged not wanting to let more barriers down than already were.

"Did he make you think that?" Grissom asked in disgust.

Sara took her time in replying, unsure of how much to disclose. She figured in the end there was no point hiding this from Grissom anymore.

"I suppose, yes. He always told me that it was my fault I was there and that he was only treating me the way I deserve."

Grissom couldn't stop the tear falling at that moment but after that he reigned himself in. He couldn't show Sara how much he was hurting. If this last revelation was true then she would blame herself.

Instead he asked, "and you believed him?" his question wasn't judgemental or incredulous, just rueful.

"I tried to fight him, not let get inside my head but I guess sometimes it's easier to believe what you are told than look for a reason where there isn't one. When Lucas was born I sort of came back to myself again but he quickly found my weak spot."

"Lucas?" it was more of a statement than a question. Sara just nodded.

"How did he use Lucas against you?" Grissom asked not wanting Sara to clam up now that she was talking.

"Lots of things. He made it like he was taking on a massive burden when I got pregnant. He acted as if it was my fault. He wouldn't let me out the house obviously but I had to earn the money he was spending on Lucas in other ways..."

Grissom couldn't hold back his alarm this time. He knew she had been through a lot but hearing it made things real. She didn't have to finish the sentence for him to understand what had happened.

"Oh sweetie, I'm so sorry," he sighed taking her hand back again. Sara just shrugged and looked down at her food again.

She really wanted to be able to eat properly again. It would mean she was on the road to recovery and wouldn't feel like she was stuck in an inescapable rut anymore.

Grissom followed her train of thought; "Did he do something that made you not want food? I thought a nice hot meal would be one of the first things you wanted." Grissom said trying to keep the tone light.

"I don't know why it's so hard. It's just that there was never much food about. Whenever I ate it felt like I was depriving Lucas of some. It felt like I was hurting him so I kept my food to minimum. I know I don't have to worry about that anymore just like I don't have to worry about him coming through that door to take me away again but it's not that easy to shake the feeling." She told him. She was quite proud of herself for voicing all this. It felt like a weight had been lifted off her.

"I wish I knew how to help you." Grissom said in a pained voice, rubbing her arm lightly in order to try and comfort her.

Sara sighed, "I guess it'll take a while."

They sat in comfortable silence for a while then suddenly Grissom had an idea. "What if Lucas ate some too? That way you can see he is getting food and you can focus on that?"

"It's worth a shot." She replied with a small but sceptical smile.

Grissom turned to Lucas who had been sitting on his lap up to this point off in his own little world drawing pictures and completely oblivious to the adults conversation.

"Lucas?" Grissom asked to get his attention. "Would you like to help your mum eat her dinner?"

Lucas wasn't sure what was going but he nodded anyway. Grissom held Lucas on his waist and sat on the side of the bed where there was plenty of room. Sara's small body didn't require much space.

Grissom picked up the fork and got a piece of pasta on the end of it. He held it to Lucas who ate it happily and then he held it to Sara and told her it was her turn. It took her a lot of effort but she eventually managed to swallow the forkful of food. Grissom swelled with pride; it was small step but he knew they would get there in the end.

The small makeshift family spent the rest of the evening together like this. After they got through two thirds of the plate Grissom knew Sara had done enough for one day so they settled down and Grissom and Sara together told Lucas a bed time story. It was the one where the mighty hero, Lucas the explorer visits the crime lab and helps catch the bad guys.

The doctor at the door looked in on the small group and smiled. He decided the bad news could wait until tomorrow.

...

AN. Don't overreact to the cliff-hanger. I'm going to defeat the point of a cliff hanger and tell you it isn't that bad.