A/N: Look at this ridiculous chapter. Happy 25th.
He knows he's no expert on the subject of diplomacy, but tonight he was going to put his two cents in anyway.
"An' another thing, Jim," He slurred tiredly, "Y'all shouldn't let those stuffed-shirt admirals an' the like push you 'round like that. You're the one all out 'n explorin' space and screwin' things up with all them alien ambassadors. Why don' you getta say in what away missions you do or don't do… Th' optional ones, 't least. Who's some admiral to tell you they've got it covered with their… their fancy-schmancy ambassadors 'n whatnot? You're th' Captain of the flagship. If you wanna go on the... the thing then do it. We're all gonna die on this tin can soon enough. Why not enjoy your miserable existence while y'can?"
He had joined the Captain and Sulu for dinner and drinks in one of the smaller observation lounges. He'd used his Chief Medical Officer's codes to lock the room, that way, not just anybody could mosey on in and get a share of the goods. And goods they were. Sulu'd been saving a little 'something special' from the last shore leave. It was a little something which had become very little very quickly. Glasses drained, the three officers were having a semi-intelligent conversation on the restrictions of the average Starfleet Captain.
"Y'know, Bones, it's true, what you said." Jim was holding his head up on one fist, blinking through heavy eyelids. "I should be able to do… to… the whatever it is. I'm the Captain! Good point, Bones." He slammed his free hand on the table, rattling the silverware.
"Darn right I am." McCoy shoveled another one of those jello-y nutrition cubes into his mouth. They'd replicated some fruits and vegetables at McCoy's request, but most of those were either devoured or left on Sulu's plate. The helmsman was eating slowly, taking his time, and listening with rapt attention and the semi-sensical debate.
"S'yeah, I'm going on that conference… trip tomorrow. I'll have a couple of detox pills in the morning, take a nap, and go have the best time ever! High five, Sulu."
The five took a few tries, but the resounding slap was satisfactory to both parties.
"Good one, Captain." Sulu picked up a strawberry off his plate and started nibbling on it. "It'll be a blast for sure."
"Heck yeah!" Jim hit the table with his fist again. "I'm gonna live it up! Go wild! Do… do some crazy stuff for sure… hey you gonna eat all those?"
"Nah." Sulu waved a hand at his plate. "Knock yourself out."
Jim grabbed a strawberry by the leaves and crammed the whole thing into his mouth. Sulu chuckled as the Captain of the flagship choked the thing down.
It became much less funny when the Captain started actually choking.
"Jim! What'd'ya do- Oh no! Sulu, grab the medkit, now!"
The helmsman leapt up, snatched McCoy's medkit off the couch, and passed it to the doctor.
"Idiot! He's deathly allergic to strawberries!" McCoy prepped a hypo and jabbed it into the side of Jim's neck. Sulu went pale.
"Allergic…? Oh no. Oh no no no no…" He sat down heavily, caught between reaching out to help his Captain and stopping himself from doing further damage.
"Stop worryin' so much. He'll be fine in a bit. Just lookit."
True to the Doctor's word, the Captain's complexion cleared. Unfortunately, he took this opportunity to go boneless.
"Captain!" Sulu caught his commanding officer before his face smashed into the plate of nutrition cubes.
"Oh great!" McCoy growled. He checked his hypospray and sighed. "That's the sleepy-time one, ain't it? Should'a measured twice, shot once." McCoy rested his hands on his hips, more alert now that there had been a medical emergency. "Now what're we gonna do?"
Sulu shoved the plate out of the way with his elbow and set the Captain down. "What do you mean, Doc? We just get him back to his quarters, yeah?"
McCoy shook his head. "Ain't so easy as that. We've got a fair number of diplomats onboard, and then there's Spock." The Doctor let out a breath through his nose. "If the hobgoblin catches wind of this, Jim's grounded for sure. He'll be fine in the morning with proper rest and some detox, but if Spock sees him before then, he'll pull some sorta regulation override-y thing to keep Jim on the ship until he's back 'at full capacity' or whatever."
Sulu's face fell. "He's been looking forward to this trip for months."
"Exactly. We gotta keep the hobgoblin in the dark. Just until we get Jim to his quarters, then we're home free. It doesn't matter one whit if either of us are caught three sheets to the wind. I'm not on this one, are you?"
Sulu shook his head. "Nothing until we hit Yadina V. I'm in the clear."
McCoy nodded. "Good, good. Any ideas on how we get him back without anyone noticing what's up?"
The helmsman was quiet for a long moment. He glanced at the Captain, then at the replicator, then back at McCoy.
"Only one."
"Gracious me, Jim-boy! That's the last time I ever challenge you to a one-on-one!"
To the average crewman or visiting ambassador, the slightly odd but altogether plausible scene was hardly worth a second glance. The Captain, by McCoy's statement- the winner in some sort of challenge- was being paraded through the ship by the losers of said challenge. He had an arm around each of his comrades, and a pleasant grin on his face.
The sunglasses, however, were a bit unusual.
Sulu's half-baked plan was going well so far. He'd thrown in the quickest, dirtiest order for blackout sunglasses into the replicator and prayed for the best. Against all odds, it had worked, and now they were half-dragging, half-carrying the Captain through the sparsely populated corridors. They just had to make it to the turbolift, down one more hallway, and into the Captain's quarters. Home free.
They had a system. One man one either side would work one of the Captain's arms, providing a wave or mock salute to passing crewmen, or a simple acknowledgement if they ran across an ambassador. Sulu was in charge of moving the Captain's head from the back, if the need arose. All things considered, it wasn't a terrible plan.
"Oh man! And the way you knocked his legs right out from under him! Captain, you're a genius!" Sulu was hamming it up, doing his best to distract from the lolling head with an outlandish story.
"You're forgetting th' best part, Mister Sulu. Remember how th' Captain flipped you on your back with one hand? Faster than a knife fight in a phone booth. Truly amazing."
"Ha ha. Oh yes. How could I forget."
McCoy picked up Jim's forearm and waved it at a passing yeoman.
When a party of diplomats threatened to take up the whole hall, they had to think fast and get the Captain into some sort of casual position. McCoy leaned on the wall while Sulu propped the Captain's elbow on the Doctor's shoulder. Head properly balanced, it looked for all the world like an ordinary conversation between officers.
"And so I said, tell me to 'disengage the external inertial dampener' one more time! Go ahead!"
"Did he tell you?"
"You know he didn't." Sulu made a dismissive gesture and rolled his shoulders. "He knew not t'mess with me. That's the last time that punk navigator tried to one-up me on the bridge. Straightened him out, you betcha."
McCoy shrugged his shoulder a bit to make it look like Jim was nodding. The trio got a few looks and a timid wave from the diplomatic party. McCoy looked to the side and did the shrug again. Jim nodded once to the party, looking the very epitome of ship's business, minus the sunglasses.
As soon as the group had passed, Sulu and McCoy returned to their formation. It was only a little bit further to the turbolift.
"We've made it." McCoy breathed. "Ain't nobody gonna be in the officer's quarters or anywhere nearbouts. Spock's on the Bridge. We're good."
The turbolift doors swooshed open. Empty lift. Perfect.
The trio shuffled inside. The doors closed.
"Here, lean him against the wall. Hide him a little- just stand a bit… perfect. That way, if anybody comes in…"
The lift came to a stop. The doors opened. McCoy turned.
It was Spock.
Now, the Doctor knew that the perspicacious hobgoblin would take all of two seconds to figure out just what was cooking, and then they'd all be done for.
Jim, you owe me big time.
"Spock! Just the poin'ed-eared computer I wanted to talk to. How long w're you planning on hidin' it from me?" He let the exhausted slur creep back into his voice. Spock would pick up on it. It was guaranteed.
"Doctor McCoy, I am not sure as to what you are referring…" Spock's attention was drifting to the back of the lift. Oh no you don't.
"Don't you try all that there stuff with me, hobgoblin!" He got right up in Spock's face. "You've... you've…" He had to come up with something outlandish and fast.
"You've been cavorting with Nurse Chapel behind my back, and I'll have none of it!"
Spock recoiled slightly. It worked.
"There must be some mistake, Doctor, which in this case is almost certain. Your… current condition speaks for itself." He leaned back from McCoy's face, no doubt catching the telltale signs of Sulu's souvenir. "You are no doubt aware of my ongoing relationship with Lieutenant Uhura-"
"I ain't fallin' for none o' that 'current condition' hogwash! I'll have you know that I am completely an' a hunnerd percent in my right mind… So help me if you're distractin' my nurses from their business I'll tell you what I'll hypo you so hard yer pointy-eared grandkids'll be born with spots on their necks. How'd'ya feel about that?"
They had arrived. This was the deck. Now, how to get away…
A hand clapped down on McCoy's shoulder. He turned, to find Jim standing there, with Sulu alongside. Of all the sneaky… Sulu had managed to get the Captain around without catching Spock's attention. McCoy would have to play along.
"Aw, you're right, Jim." He managed to put on a grimace and 'forced out' an apology. "Aw, heck. I guess I gotta say sorry 'bout all that, Spock. I'm way… way outta line. I'm sure you didn't do any of that stuff, an' it's just what the rumor mill cooked up, and all this stress from those blasted stuffed-shirt diplomats gettin' to me..." He paused after letting his voice waver. The closer he got to an emotional outpouring, the further away Spock would want to be. "And I think I've had a little too much this evening."
Spock nodded at this, for emphasis."Understandable, Doctor. So long as there are no repeat offenses of the kind." He looked as if he'd rather be anywhere else than the turbolift, so the Doctor supposed it was mission accomplished.
McCoy inclined his head. "None. Scouts honor, Spock. Again, I'm very sorry. Sulu, we'd better get ahold of some detox pills before our shift…" He stumbled sideways, pretending to fall into Jim, but really going to support the unconscious Captain. "Jim, you're the only sober one among us," He started as the trio left Spock inside the turbolift, "Why don't you make sure we make it back ok?"
The lift doors closed. Sulu let out a huge sigh of relief.
"I can not believe that actually worked."
McCoy nodded. "You said it. Now let's get Jim to bed before Spock starts to get suspicious. We're not that great at acting."
"You kidding me right now, Doc? That was an Oscar-worthy performance."
"In your dreams, kid. I'm surprised he didn't see through it straight away. Me, apologizing?"
Jim chose that moment to let loose a loud snore.
"Well, at least he waited until we were clear."
The pair dissolved into giggles, caring less and less about appearances the closer they got to the Captain's quarters. By the end of the hall, they were all but dragging the body. McCoy punched the code in the door. They hoisted Jim into the bed, got off his shoes, and set up a detox/anti-hangover solution on the bedside table.
After high fiving outside the room, McCoy and Sulu went their separate ways. The Doctor went back to his quarters satisfied. He knew that they'd done a good job, and Jim would be both relieved and grateful come morning.
Commander Scott, peeking through his doorway across the hall, knew for once, staying up late had proved so totally worth it.
A/N: Admittedly, this was kind of rushed, but I'm alright with it. It had the sort of goofy, 'we're up too late and things are going straight to pot' feel that I was going for. This is kinda like what happens when you pull a 32 hour no-sleep streak.
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