I don't own anything.
Nothing but Trouble:
Chapter Twenty-Five
"You know, after our girl cleans up, we should go party."
"Sounds good to me," Naruto replied as he slurped up his second order of ramen.
"We can take Rumiko too," Anko added. "I think she could use a couple of drinks."
"You know," Naruto commented as he leaned back from his meal and considered his girlfriend thoughtfully, "ever since she shot you down, you've been trying really hard to get her drunk." Anko glared at him.
"Naruto, listen to me and listen well. I am the fabulous Anko Mitarashi and I do not get shot down. I only get delayed. She will be mine."
"This is why I'm keeping you between me and her at all times," Rumiko commented from where she was sitting on Naruto's other side.
"Well, you could just fuck her," Naruto said reasonably. "I think you hurt her feelings when you two were making out and then you ran away sobbing."
"Well excuse me for realizing what those lips I was kissing were probably sucking twenty minutes earlier," Rumiko growled. Naruto sighed and glanced up to see Ayame staring at them with her jaw hanging open in comical disbelief.
"So," he began conversationally, "my girlfriend wants to fuck my lesbian secretary who is getting really desperate, but doesn't want to fuck my girlfriend because she's fucking me. Any womanly advice?"
"Your lesbian secretary is fucking you?" Ayame asked.
"No, no, no. My lesbian secretary doesn't want to fuck my girlfriend because my girlfriend is fucking me," Naruto clarified.
"Oh," Ayame replied. "Then why does your girlfriend want to fuck your secretary?"
"Well, about a month ago my girlfriend was going to give my secretary a pity fuck, but once they started making out my secretary broke down in tears and ran out," Naruto explained. "I think it hurt my girlfriend's feelings."
"I suggest staying out of it," Ayame stated.
"Yeah, I've been trying, but as you can see," he gestured to the two women sitting on either side of him, "they kind of keep putting me in the middle."
"He makes a good meat shield," Rumiko stated. Naruto heard the curtains sweep open and glanced back to see Kaori walk in.
"Hey kiddo."
"Hey Kaori!" Ayame cheered, probably happy to have a diversion. "You want your usual?"
"Yes please," Kaori replied as she sat down on the far side of Rumiko.
"You ready for the big exams?"
"I don't know." Naruto glanced at the girl and noticed that she was almost vibrating with nervous energy. "What if I have to fight Haruka, or worse Satomi?"
"I'd be more worried about fighting one of my knuckleheads right off the back," he said. "Besides, we've been spying on those two. You know you've been training a lot harder than either one."
"You've been spying on the competition?" Ayame asked. "Isn't that cheating?"
"I'm not going to smack you because you're a civilian," Naruto stated.
"Uh, thank you?"
"It's a ninja competition," Kaori explained. "Cheating is expected."
"But wouldn't you get in trouble if you get caught?" Ayame pressed.
"If you get caught then you get in trouble for being a lousy cheater," Kaori answered. Naruto actually sniffled a bit.
"I'm so very, very proud of you."
"Thanks Sensei!"
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Sakura frowned as she looked from the arena down to her watch. "I thought you said that you told him that the prelims started at eight fifteen."
"I did," Sakura grumbled.
"And I knew you were lying." Sakura whipped around and sighed in annoyance as she noticed that not only had Naruto snuck up on her, but so had his entire little entourage including her student. "And we are not late. We are just in time."
"Fine," Sakura gritted. "They're getting ready to announce the rules." They all glanced down as the proctor walked out into the middle of the arena.
"Alright, listen up!" the man yelled, easily cutting through the clamor of the half a dozen genin teams watching from above. "We've had an unusual number of genin pass this year. In order to cut down those numbers, you will be fighting each other. There are thirty of you, fifteen get to move on to the next round where you will be fighting in front of the kages and the villagers. That should clue you into the stakes. Remember, killing your opponent is frowned upon, but do what you must to win." Sakura glanced back at Naruto and noticed him glaring at where the three teams from his village had gathered.
"They won't kill anyone, right?" she whispered.
"They'd better not." Sakura glanced over her other shoulder and noticed the masked Tsuchikage. "We have a deal, right Mister Fox?"
"No problem," Naruto replied, turning away from the teams and grinning. "How many teams did you get in?"
"One," Nambu stated. "All passed the written test, but the forest proved a bit much. I see all of yours got in."
"Yup," Naruto stated proudly. "Let's see: three teams from my village, one from yours, one from Mist, three from Sand and two from Leaf. Right?"
"That's right," Nambu replied. "Your friend Kisame must be rather annoyed."
"He launched into a rant about the fall of the once proud Village Hidden in the Mist," Naruto stated. "Then his girlfriend, the Mizukage, dragged him into my spare bedroom."
"Did they fight?"
"Not exactly," Anko stated, "although there was screaming."
"They're announcing the first fight," Sakura interrupted. She really didn't want to hear any more than she already had.
"It's gonna be me." Kaori moaned.
"One in thirty shot," Naruto commented as he glanced at the large board. Then Kaori's name popped up. "Huh. Remind me to take you gambling."
"Oh my God. I'mgonnadieI'mgonnadieI'mgonnadieI'mgonna. . ."
"She's doing it again," Anko grumbled.
"I got this one," Naruto replied. He raised one hand, but Sakura managed to intercept him.
"What are you doing?"
"Trust me," Naruto replied.
"No," Sakura replied before grabbing Kaori by the shoulders. "Kaori, calm down."
"I'mgonnadieI'mgonnadieI'mgonnadieI'm. . ." Sakura sighed in annoyance.
"Okay, hit her."
"Told you," Naruto said before slapping Kaori.
"Ow!" the genin shrieked. "What was that for?"
"Kaori, kill." Kaori stared at him for a moment before her eye ticked violently.
"I'm gonna paint myself in his blood and dance naked in the moonlight!" With that, the girl began cackling and leapt into the arena below.
"Uh. . ." Sakura began, but had no idea where she was going with it.
"She's. . .just. . .trying to intimidate the opposition," Naruto stated. "Besides, the moon won't be up for a while."
"That's one of my genin she's fighting," Nanbu growled.
"Technically, Kaori isn't one of my genin," Naruto answered. Sakura had had quite had enough of this and demonstrated her feelings by grabbing her former teammate by the throat.
"What did you do to my genin?"
"They're getting ready to fight," Rumiko interrupted. Sakura's eyebrow twitched violently, but she managed to pry her fingers from the blonde's throat.
"We're not done," she growled.
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Naruto took a few dozen deep breathes and rolled his shoulders. "Ah, air. You never know how much you like it till you can't have it."
"Enjoy it while it lasts," Sakura hissed. Naruto looked down into the arena and frowned.
"Your boy looks kind of smug," he commented.
"He's from a long, proud line of ninja," Nanbu said. "He's a cocky little shit, just like his dad and his grandfather and his great grandfather, so on and so forth. I'd love to see him knocked down a peg, but I'd also love to see him live to learn from it."
"This is going to be bad," Rumiko murmured.
"Ready?" the proctor declared. "Fight!" And then a fireball the size of a house zipped across the arena. The Stone ninja had just enough time to look even smugger as he dodged before Kaori grabbed him from behind and suplexed him. She was just raising a foot to stomp on his head when the proctor tackled her and had to wrestle her away from her downed opponent.
"Winner: Kaori!" Utter silence filled the arena for about five seconds as Kaori stared at her upraised fist before she began to laugh.
"Bwa-hahahahaha-hehe!" Then all of Naruto's genin went beserk cheering for the girl and were quickly followed by the rest.
"We have got to do something about that laugh" Naruto grumbled.
"I told you Naruto, evil laughter is intimidating," Anko argued.
"Exactly, the girlish giggle at the end has no place in an evil laugh," Naruto said.
"It's intimidating because of the girlish giggle," Anko corrected. "Besides, it could be worse. She could have Rumiko's evil laugh."
"I do not have an evil. . ." Rumiko sputtered.
"You mean the oh-hohohohoho thing?" Naruto asked. "I guess that's true."
"What the fuck did you do to my genin?" Sakura shrieked making Naruto jump.
"I trained her," he stated. "That's what you wanted, right?"
"She nearly killed that brat in under twenty seconds!" Sakura snapped. "A month ago she couldn't even walk on water."
"I'm a good teacher." The pink haired woman gawked at him. Any further outbursts were interrupted as Kaori reached the upper gallery.
"Sensei, I did it!"
"I told you," Naruto replied as he clapped the young woman on the shoulder. "That was the perfect amount of tactics and unadulterated violence; however, you finished it way too fast."
"I should drag it out?" Kaori asked.
"Exactly," Naruto answered. "It will look good to the Kages that you're in complete control of the battle."
"And the look of utter despair in your opponent's eyes as they realize you're toying with them really gets me off" Anko added. She frowned as she glanced around at all the people staring at her. "What?"
"That too," Naruto agreed somewhat awkwardly.
"Don't tell her that!" Sakura snapped. "Are you both out of your minds?" Naruto and Anko stared at her. "Okay, stupid question." She turned to Kaori. "That was outstanding. You used classic misdirection. Don't listen to them."
"It's worked so far," the genin stated.
"I'd hate to interrupt," Nanbu cut in suddenly, "but you do realize that that wall is still on fire, right?" Naruto glanced back at the wall and frowned as he stared at the burning stone. "Finally figured out how to get humans to use foxfire without bursting into flame, huh?"
"Mostly," Naruto replied without thinking. He never even saw Sakura's fist coming
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"Maybe you shouldn't have knocked out the only guy who could put out those flames."
"He had it coming," Sakura mumbled before slurping up another mouthful of ramen.
"Well. . .yeah. He is Naruto," Rumiko pointed out. "He always has it coming." She glanced at the man they had propped up in the corner. "You know, I have to admit, I am impressed. I mean, I put him in a coma for a few hours, but it took a lot more than just one punch."
"I was very annoyed," Sakura gritted out.
"Do you want to grab dinner tonight?"
"Sure. . .wait. No. Sorry, I still don't go that way."
"Not even a little curious?" Rumiko wheedled. "I could rock your world." Sakura's jaw dropped at the other woman's bluntness and she shot a panicked look at Kaori.
"Don't worry about it," the genin said between mouthfuls of noodles. "You won't believe the shit I've heard come out of her mouth over the past month. You think Naruto and Anko are bad? Rumiko's worse. A lot worse. She just hides it better."
"Stop cock blocking me," Rumiko hissed.
"It's only fair," Naruto said, "you take pride in cock blocking me."
"And Naruto said I should take every chance I get to do it to you," Kaori added.
"How long have you been awake?" Sakura asked.
"What, you wanted me to announce my conciseness and miss watching you squirm. . .and Rumiko get shot down again?" Naruto asked. "Silly women."
"What kind of fire was that?" Sakura demanded, rather eager to change the topic. "We had to postpone the rest of the fights while a worryingly large group of jonin from all the villages tried to figure out how to put out the flames."
"I could have put them out, but somebody tried to touch the back of my head through my face," Naruto commented. "Anyway, it's foxfire."
"Which is. . ." Sakura prompted.
"Chakra," Naruto answered. "Foxfire is pure demonic chakra manifesting as flame. I've been having a hell of a time adapting it for human use. I came close once with a technique called Amaterasu, but that was more a perversion of the much stronger and purer original."
"I know that name from somewhere," Sakura commented.
"Don't know why you would have," Naruto answered. "Where's Anko?"
"Kurenai just got back from her mission," Sakura explained. "She went to go gush about how she's in a steady relationship."
"Actually, she's trying to set up a threesome," Naruto corrected. Sakura sighed and turned back to her ramen.
"What was I thinking giving Kaori to you people?"
"Deseperation?" Kaori suggested.
"No!" Sakura stated. The genin stared at her. "Maybe. . .just a little bit. Sorry."
"She's a pain in the ass and she knows it," Naruto said. "I think she takes pride in it. Took a while to scare that out of her."
"Scare it out of her?" Sakura pressed.
"Nothing lethal," Naruto muttered.
"Didn't seem that way at the time," Kaori muttered back. Sakura finished her ramen and stood up.
"Naruto?"
"Yes?"
"You got results and Kaori is okay, so I'm not going to kill you," Sakura stated. "However, I am going to leave before one of you says something that makes me rethink my position. Okay?"
"Sounds fair to me." Sakura nodded, paid her bill and walked out of the ramen shop. She knew Amaterasu. It was something she had heard of long ago but she couldn't quite place it. Unfortunately, it sounded like a very forbidden technique and there was only one place to search for very forbidden techniques: the Hokage's personal library. That also meant putting up with her mentor's very "special" filing system. "God damn it, this is going to take all night."
-End
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-Author's notes. Whoa, sorry folks. Lots of private and professional emergencies in my life. It's been a hell of a few months. I'm not sure I'm entirely back, but I'll work my ass off to get the next chapter up by the proper update time.
As for the story, well, I'm just getting back into the swing of things. Was it worth the wait? Well, no. As Duke Nukem Forever demonstrated, nothing is worth that kind of wait, but hopefully this will be right back into the swing of things. Also, I knew I wanted Kaori's fight to be a curb stomping, but I'm not sure I managed to make it as funny as I wanted. What can I say? My strength is dialogue.
Until next time folks. (Hopefully not in a couple of months.)