TWENTY FIVE
Archangel, CAMR's Jumpship,
Wotan's Jump Point,
February 19, 3061
"You should've told me," Commander Rick bemoaned, clearly annoyed at my decision not to inform him about the Zeta Solahma. "This is my dropship. I need to know what happened to my dropship. What were you thinking, overriding my authority and taking care of the Jade Falcon yourself? Did you not hear Jerome saying that you were not to engage the battle?"
"I did not tell you about the attack because it would distract you," I defended my action. "The purpose of Zeta Solahma was twofold: to distract you and to lure me out. Jerome knew he would not win the fight in a decisive fashion. He needed you to get distracted, and he needed me to break the batchall. That was the reason why he sent Zeta Solahma."
"But you did break the batchall," Rick mused. "Then what good was it to exclude me from the information?"
"I saw an opportunity to end the fight in a trial, just the two of us, without your intervention. Everything rooted to our first encounter back in Sudeten, during the Refusal War. It was a personal war, and I wanted it to end so everybody can move on. And you and the CAMR do not have to fight in my behalf anymore."
"Personal war, huh," Rick scoffed. "Don't you think Jerome was way over his head? I mean, everybody can have a personal war, but his was nothing that I have ever seen. You must've pissed him real good. What did you do to him, really?"
"Honestly," I paused briefly. "I do not remember. From what Phelan told me, we were locked in a battle for two weeks. Jerome had number advantage, but my unit could stay long enough until he issued a Trial of Possession for the city of Webster. He used a dishonorable tactic, so Phelan had to order total demolition of Webster."
"What a sore loser," Rick sighed. "So you never recover your past, eh?"
"No," I replied. "And I may never will. I think I just have to start a new one."
"As…?" Rick looked at me in the earnest, waiting for my response.
"I do not know," I averted my eyes. "I just do not know."
"Have you ever considered being a mercenary?" Rick stated. "As you know, my unit is depleted. We can certainly use someone your quality. Someone that understands military strategy, but also fights like a cornered animal. And if you don't like my unit, I can refer you to any mercenary units throughout the Inner Sphere. I know fighting for money is against your rectitude. I also have some connections with some Davions and Kuritans. I can refer you to them, but the chance you can work for the Houses is considerably less than mercenary unit."
I saw that one coming.
"Do understand this, Commander Rick. It was not because of you or your unit that I decline your offer. I am a man with no history. I just passed one ghost of my past, but I do not know if there are other Jeromes waiting for me. I cannot let anybody fight my war, or suffer because of my war. If only I could remember everything about me, I would certainly consider your offer. But for now, I must say no."
"I see your point," Rick drew a deep breath. "What about Evee?"
"Especially Evee," I buried my face in my palms. "I still vividly remember how close she was to death in Jerome's hand. I had never been so frightened. Fighting the nolans barehanded, fighting your Hunt Lance outnumbered and outgunned, getting stomped by Jerome, nothing even close to watching her shaking under Jerome's gun. I could not let it happen again."
"So you're just gonna ditch her," Rick exhaled sharply. "She loves you, you know. After you were taken bondsman by Jerome, Evee joined the Hanson Roughriders. Her unit was besieged by overwhelming Liao partisans with no means of escape. She sustained weeks without proper medication when she was punctured in the lung. She almost died on Carver V, yet she prevailed and came back to Outreach with enough money to hire the CAMR to get you out of Wotan."
"I know," I sighed in reply.
"It's obvious how she feels about you, and it's also obvious how you feel about her."
I looked at him in confusion. "How could you possibly know?"
"There's so much you need to learn about Spheroids, my friend," Rick got up and walked away from me. "Talk to her. Tell her how you feel. Not what you think how you feel about her, but what you really feel about her. Don't think, Parker."
I sat down for a while, thinking about what I would do about this situation. I never understood human emotion. Perhaps it was the way I was brought up, to put logic ahead of emotion, so I could perform efficiently in any kind of situation. Evee, however, was not always logical. Her decision to offer herself to me on Arc Royal, her sudden outburst when I inadvertently called her freebirth, those were her two most irrational actions. Why would she want to live with a Clanner like me when my nature made her want to kill me?
But as I thought more, I too acted irrationally. I left Wolf because of her. I let myself be disgraced because of her. I broke all Clan rules to preserve her life. Not that I remembered everything about being a Clan, a warrior caste no less, but I was beyond normalcy. Why would I sacrifice myself for a barbarian and a mercenary, the lowest kind of being by all Clan standard? I did not know what drove me.
Obligation?
Debt?
Love?
Lust?
I was confused. I was so caught up in my thinking I did not hear Evee coming. She sat next to me, but her eyes were far away.
"I was an idiot back there," she muttered. "I hit you with my mech. I sincerely apologize. If I could turn back time, I'd take everything back."
"It was my mistake," I replied. "I am the one that needs to apologize. I do not know why I said it, but I know it hurts. I slipped. I never meant to say it to you, so I humbly ask for your forgiveness."
Evee did not answer it directly. She leaned back on her chair, playing with the tip of her hair. I could hear her heavy breathing, as if she was holding something back. After a while, she looked at me, the wrath in her eyes still flickered, but with less intensity. "For a moment I thought that the beating you received for 3 years finally brought back your memory. I thought you looked at me the way Jerome looked at me, because that's the way a typical Clan looks at an Inner Sphere."
"You know it is not true," I replied.
"It hurts, dammit!" her fire turned to tears. "Losing you was the single greatest loss in my life. Losing you because you think I don't deserve you – after everything I did – is beyond what I can take."
"You did not lose me!" I grabbed her hand. "You never lose me. You are with me every single day, even when I was at Wotan." Then I said something that I never thought I was capable of. "Evee, I love you. I will always love you."
It was hard to describe her reaction. She was startled. Her eyes opened wide, her mouth agape, and for a moment I was afraid she would have a seizure. Her face turned white, but her eyes exploded with bliss. Her lips trembled as she squeezed my hand, and her voice was laden with hope when she uttered, "Then come home with me!"
"Evee," I whispered desperately. "You know I cannot do that."
She leaned back on hear chair, averting her eyes to the stars through the window. Somehow I knew she understood my decision, but some part of her still refused to accept it. She said motionless for a while, then looked at me, "Sometimes survival is not really the important part of my life. I'd rather live a short happy life than a long empty one."
Somehow I understood what she implied. Still, it was against my principle. "I know it is not a warrior's way, but this is my battle. Every war in my past is mine to fight, not yours. I let you get close to one and I will regret it for the rest of my life should anything happen to you."
"So that's it, then," she sighed in defeat. "Will we ever be together?"
"When I am sure that my life is perfectly safe for you."
She smiled. It was a sad smile, but I knew she accepted the fact that we were two different worlds. Togetherness was something we could only dream about. She clenched my hand and coerced me to stand. "Come."
"Where?" I noticed the spark in her eyes.
"Making the most of our last time together."
END OF SEASON ONE
Well, that is it. I received a lot of complain from reviewers about the ending. I am sorry for upsetting so many readers, but I am not that kind of lovey-dopey author who likes happily-ever-after, Disney-esque ending where the boy always wins the day and gets the girl. No, I love reality, and the reality is, Parker is not ready to have Evee. He still has a lot to learn. This is my best work so far, and I don't want it to end like Little Mermaid.
Does that mean there is a sequel?
By all means, I'm planning to. As you all know, this story started off as a big question mark, since this is the first and only time I wrote a 1st-POV. But as of this date, it has received +3500 hits, 36 reviews, and a recognition from National Novel Writing Month 2006. This fanfic has exceeded all my expectations, and it would be a shame if it ends just like this.
Of course, I would not get this far without readers. To Texray1, my greatest gratitude for proofreading and editing. To SulliMike23, my closest friend. To Kat Wylder, my writing partner. To Cairdian, thanks for the CAMR. To Arsenel, Hermit, Canonizado, AceRaptor, Ogrewolf1, Shadrach, Death Korps, Aidan Pryde, Severus Decker, ChaosValkyrie, and all the readers, thank you. If you like this story, then you might want to check my other stories Escape from Carver V (spin-off of I, Kerensky), Eagle Cries and Sword Clashses (a collaborative story with Kat Wylder), and Knights of FerroFibrous Armor (a compilation of short stories).
So for your viewing pleasure, I am pleased to present an excerpt of I, Kerensky – Season Two, coming Spring 2007, exclusive at Fanfiction. Enjoy!