Jout yawned and placed the clipboard on a crate in front of him to rub his eyes. He had not slept a wink last night, his mind always drifting back to his moments of passion with Newkirk, and how he deliberately hurt the love of his life. Jout felt awful for what he did, but he didn't know what else he could do. Either Jout had kept silent and watched how things between him and Newkirk evolved, which meant to risk Newkirk's wellbeing, or he ended things before it even started and risking that Newkirk hated him, but at least he was safe. And that was Jout's top priority. He would not allow that Brawley and his gang harmed Newkirk just like they harmed George; he could not live with that burden. And if it meant Newkirk hating him for the rest of his life and thinking Jout hated homosexuals, then he would endure all of it.

After breakfast, during which he had avoided any eye contact with Newkirk, Hogan had asked him to do an inventory of everything they stored in the tunnel. Jout happily agreed to that, because it gave him an excuse to dodge Newkirk without rising any suspicion among his friends. He just couldn't bear to look him in the eyes right now, not with what he had said last night.

Jout picked up the clipboard again and opened the crate in front of him. It contained multiple cards of different areas in Germany and France, as well as ten parcels of munition. He wrote the content down on his list and tabled on another list what they needed London to send in their next delivery. Jout was finished with half of the inventory when he heard footsteps and looked up. But he quickly lowered his glance again when he caught sight of blue trousers. Immediately his heart started to beat faster and Jout simply stared at the clipboard, hoping that if he ignored the presence of the person in front of him, he would leave. But no such luck.

"What, last night ya slept with me and today ya don't even look at me?" asked Newkirk bitterly, leaning against the tunnel wall and taking a drag on his cigarette.

Jout sighed and slowly raised his glance. He looked at Newkirk and asked in an annoyed tone, "Satisfied?"

"Not really" Newkirk moved closer to Jout until he stood right across from him, only the crate in between them. "I would like to talk about last night"

"I don't know what there is to talk about," Jout said and went back to writing the list for London.

"And I think there is a lot to discuss," answered Newkirk sternly. "For example, what yer babblin' about two blokes shouldn't do what we did was about?"

"What is there not to understand? Two guys should not sleep with each other," Jout said. He could slap himself for saying those words, but somehow, he had to get Newkirk to leave him alone.

" 'at's what ya say, but 'at's not what ya think, am I right?"

Jout looked up from the clipboard and at Newkirk, a puzzled look on his face. "What gives you that idea?

Newkirk laughed. "Come on, Jout. Don't act stupid. Ya kissed back after I backed off and started to apologize. Ya encouraged me multiple times with yer passionate kisses to go on. And now ya want to tell me 'at ya think it's wrong to be gay? I don't believe ya" He laid a hand on Jout's. "What is it, Jout? Are ya afraid 'at someone finds out about us? I can keep me mouth shut, trust me"

Jout pulled his hand away from Newkirk's grasp. "There is no "us" to find out about"

"But there could be," Newkirk said and softly smiled at Jout. "I know 'at there is somethin' between us. Don't ya feel it? And then what 'appened last night. Ya can't deny it, Jout"

Jout sighed again. In any other situation, he would have immediately said yes and threw his arms around the Brit, kissing him like mad. But not with Brawley in this camp. Not if he threatened to tell the Germans that he was gay. And now he stood there, the love of his life telling him that he wanted a relationship with him, and he had to break his heart once and for all. He had to make Newkirk hate him, so that nothing would happen to him.

"Peter, there will be no "us", alright? After the war, I'll go back to the States and find myself a girl to marry and start a family. And you should do the same. It's better this way," Jout reluctantly said.

Newkirk's smile faded and was replaced by a blank stare. Then he glared at the American and said, "Ah, I understand. Can't 'andle the fact 'at ya lost yer virginity to a man, right?" Jout once again glanced at him with a confused look on his face and Newkirk asked, "Already forgotten 'at ya told me 'at, didn't ya?"

Jout closed his eyes and pinched the back of his nose. If Newkirk didn't want to listen to him, he had to learn it the hard way. "I've had it with you, Newkirk," Jout began in an angry tone. "Nothing happened last night, and I have not lost my virginity to a man. We barely did anything with each other, only a little touching. And if you don't stop with this whole relationship nonsense, I will give you a reality check the hard way. Do you understand?"

Jout watched as Newkirk bit his lower lip and then looked to the ground. "I do" Then he turned around, but before he walked away, he said, "I would appreciate it if no one finds out about this"

Jout gulped. He had not thought that Newkirk gave up that easily. "Sure, my mouth is sealed"

Newkirk nodded and trotted away, leaving Jout behind with his self-hatred. When he was sure that he was alone, Jout bashed the crate in front of him as anger about the whole situation rose in him. When he calmed himself down again, he buried his head in his hands and silently cried upon realizing what he had done.

After climbing up the ladder to the barracks, Newkirk rushed out of it without saying a word to the other occupants and quickly made his way to the delousing station. No one liked to be around it and so it was a good place to go if one didn't want to get bothered. Newkirk used to come to the station all the time before he started his private talks with Jout behind the storage barracks, but right now, he wanted to be as far away from the American and everything that stood for him as possible. As Newkirk reached the delousing station, he let his body slide down the wall and he eventually sat down, huddled with his head on his knees. He could not believe that he was wrong about Jout; he had really thought the American was not so narrow-minded and would accept him. And he could not believe that his judging on his preference was wrong. Normally, Newkirk was excellent on judging people and could always trust his instincts. But today was the first time his gut feeling was wrong. Newkirk had to blink to hold his tears back. Today was also the first time his heart was broken; normally he was the one who was called a heartbreaker and left behind the people he was with devastated. And now he found himself crying over someone's rejection.

Suddenly, Newkirk felt an arm around his shoulder and he quickly looked up. He was greeted by a worried looking LeBeau. "Mon ami, what happened? You left the barracks in such a hurry"

Newkirk wiped away the tears on his cheek and answered, "Nothin's wrong"

LeBeau pulled out a handkerchief and gave it to Newkirk. "And why are you crying if nothing happened?" He gave him a soft smile. "You know you can trust me. Has it something to do with Jout?"

Newkirk swiftly looked away at the mention of Jout's name as he felt tears filling his eyes again. LeBeau noticed this too and started to pat his companion's shoulder. "Pierre, what happened? I'm worried about you"

Newkirk slowly looked up from the ground and said, "We did it last night while you guys were gone"

"You two did what?" asked LeBeau, not understanding to what his friend alluded to.

"We did it, Louis" He turned his head to face LeBeau and whispered, "We slept with each other"

"Oh," was all LeBeau said. Then he asked, "And why are you crying then? Isn't that something you wanted?"

"Yeah, but not what 'appened afterwards" Newkirk faced the barbed wire again. "Immediately when we were finished, 'e said it was an one-off and quickly left the gov'nor's room. And today after breakfast I went in the tunnel to talk to 'im. Ya know what 'e said? 'e said what we did was nothin'. Nothin'! And that 'e would marry a girl after the war" Newkirk started weeping again. All LeBeau could do was hold his friend tightly. "But for me it was not nothin'! I loved every minute of it, and I thought 'e would too because of the way 'e acted and kissed back. But obviously I was wrong"

"Oh, Pierre," LeBeau said, stroking his upper arm. "I'm so sorry for you"

"Ya know what the worst thin' is? Before we did it, I 'ad at least me fantasies about our future together, though I knew they would never become reality. But now I don't even 'ave them anymore"

"But is it not better this way? At least you know now where you are with him, and you can stop making yourself false hopes"

"But me false 'opes got me at least through the nights and days. Now I 'ave nothin' anymore to get me through this bleedin' war," sighed Newkirk.

"You know that's not true, Pierre," LeBeau tried to comfort him. "You have your mother and sister who are waiting for you to come home. Think of them, and when the war is over, I'm sure you'll find someone who loves you just as much as you do"

Newkirk simply stared at the barbed wire fence and LeBeau continued to hold him close. The two friends spend the rest of the afternoon sitting together in silence, each one rapped up in his thoughts.

A/N: I'm sorry if Newkirk seems a little OOC to you, but to be honest, my whole story is not canon, so I hope you will forgive me :)