Cetus Lepedus! For those of you that caught that, good for you. Lol. Okay, so the Nicole confrontation, and a Mitchie/Mommy conftontation… well more of a conversation. Mitchie's growing up. Tear. Thanks for all the reviews and everything, and it serves you all right that you cried. Cause I did while writing it. Lol. I went to bed at 6:30 this morning. Okay, so now the early morning chapter update because I didn't give you your evening update tonight. Ha. Ya'll are addicted. Admit it.
Chapter 25
The next morning Shane and I caught the first flight out to New Jersey. Of course he demanded we take first class, but that was alright. I really didn't mind all that much. I was nervous and I knew he could tell. We still hadn't really discussed anything that had happened. I knew he wanted to know, but I wasn't sure I was ready to tell him. I knew I had to, before the press got wind of it.
"You okay?" He asked me after we were in the air for about 10 minutes. There weren't many people on the flight because it was early.
"Honestly? No." I answered. He squeezed my hand, unsure of what to say. "A lot of what I went through was because I felt guilty. I was upset, but not guilty until Nicole told me about…"
"Baby, you don't have to tell me anything. This is hard for you, I know. I'd love for you to tell me because I want to understand, but you don't have to." He said as he turned my face to look at him.
"I want to tell you. I want you to know before the press tells you." I told him.
"I know." He smiled. "And I appreciate it. Just like I didn't want to tell you about Erica, sometimes we're forced to explain things. I don't want you to tell me until you can."
"How can you not be mad that I didn't tell you?" I asked still confused. "I was so mad at you about the Erica thing, and then we promised to tell each other everything, but I didn't tell you about Justin."
"They're different. I have a past with Erica that you should have known about. Justin was a horrible experience that you said yourself you forgot about. Would I have liked a heads up on the Dark Day? Yeah, but you seemed utterly surprised to hear the date and then just… ran. You aren't ready to tell me now, and you were a lot less ready to tell me after Christmas. It's okay."
"I do want to tell you." I said softly looking away again.
He smiled. "When you're ready."
"If… if I start, and can't finish, is that okay?" I asked. He nodded. I took a deep breath and prepared myself. "After he died… I got depressed. We all did. Nicole seemed to take it the worst. While Justin and I were like brother and sister to me, they were like brother and sister to him. She liked him, he liked me, I liked him, he beat…" I took a deep breath as the words stuck in my throat.
"It's okay, you can stop." Shane said rubbing my knee. I shook my head and cleared my thoughts again.
"She told me about 2 weeks after he died. We'd all cut ourselves off from one another. It wasn't the same without him. Her parents were planning on moving because of it, and she decided to finally tell me the truth. 12 and 13 year old girls have little to no idea what tact is. She came over to give me my stuff I'd left at her house and just started yelling and crying.
"She told me it was my fault. That if he didn't like me he wouldn't have… She told me she hated me. That it wasn't fair he liked me when I didn't like him and now he was gone and it was all my fault."
Shane waited patiently as I sat quiet for a few more minutes, thinking.
"After she told me, I began to get even more depressed. Sierra's mom called to see how I was doing, and Mom told her she was worried about me. When Sierra's mom told Sierra about how bad I was, Sierra got scared. She didn't want anything to happen to me and she was the first one to rebuild the bridge between us.
"She sat with me, petrified, the first time I started hallucinating. It was the only reason I knew Justin was dead, and not sitting there laughing with us. She said he was dead, and Justin said to me that he wasn't really dead, he just wasn't around everyone anymore. I believed it. He wasn't always with me or anything. But he'd show up randomly.
"Every time I saw him, and realized he wasn't really there, I would freak out." I took off my bracelet and showed him the scars on my wrist. He had to look closely to see them. "I started cutting after each one. They're tiny, but they're there."
He lifted my wrist to his lips, and kissed it softly. "Have you… have you at all since we've been together?" He asked cautiously.
"No." I shook my head. He seemed satisfied with that answer so I moved on. "Sierra witnessed quite a few hallucinations. They freak her out, but she's there for me. She thought I imagined you, too." I said softly. "Sometimes I have to sit and look around and ask myself if this is all real. That's why I cut myself. To make sure I wasn't dreaming again. If it hurt I knew it was real."
"Mitchie-" I started and I knew he was going to ask if I cut, again."
"No, Shane, I haven't." I looked him the eyes and spoke as sincerely and honestly as I could. "Because I know this is real. Every time we fight, or you leave, or something upsets me: that emotional pain is enough to remind that it is real."
"Can I make a request?" He asked softly. I nodded. "Can you stop wearing your bracelet or long sleeves? Just so I know. For my own peace of mind?"
I laughed. "Sure. I don't wear them to cover my wrist from others. I'm not ashamed of the scars being there because you can barely see them. I cover them from myself. They remind me of how bad I was. I'm ashamed of having caused them. That I did that to myself."
"Oh," Shane said, not sure what the difference was or what to say. "Okay." He paused. "Was there anything else?"
"No." I said. "Just the depression and the hallucinations. But everyone in school knew by September when I went back to school that something was off. Sierra wouldn't let anyone near us and Nicole wasn't there. We isolated ourselves. A few people had heard from their parents that I was depressed or losing it. No one ever questioned me, but they knew. Somehow they all knew. Sierra never left me alone because she was afraid I would start talking to myself and that would be bad. By the time we got to High School, everyone moved on and forgot about it. But in light of recent events, I'm afraid it'll all come back.
"That was why Sierra didn't believe that I was dating you. Because of my past with imagining things. She thought Caitlyn was either equally insane or just playing into it for me. Sierra wouldn't, she was afraid to let me believe what wasn't real."
"Well, I am real. And I really love you." He kissed my knuckles and I smiled at him.
"You're such a goof." I laughed softly.
He shrugged. "But I'm your goof." I shook my head laughing at him.
We didn't talk much about my past insanities again for the rest of the flight. Unless someone else brought it up, we actually never spoke about them. Every now and then I would see him glimpse at my wrist which remained uncovered for him after that conversation.
As we finally landed a while later, my nerves came back. He did his best to soothe me as we rode in a cab. I had called Sierra and gotten Nicole's address from her. Thankfully she still lived in New Jersey, only a few towns away from me. Shane offered to drop me off and then head back to my parents if I wanted to do this alone. I begged him to stay with me. There was no way I could do this on my own.
I was afraid she would slap me or slam the door in my face when I rang the door bell. Her mother opened the door and gasped, surprised to see me. She hugged me tightly, having not seen me in roughly 5 years. I hugged her back before pulling away.
"Is she here? I need to talk to her." I said softly, not looking at the woman who was once a second or third mother to me.
She must have nodded because Shane gently nudged me inside where we sat on the couch. I heard her call Nicole downstairs.
"What Mom- what are you doing here?" She demanded as she saw us sitting on the couch.
"You and I need to talk. It's been 5 years, Cole, and we haven't spoken since. It's time to put things behind us and talk this out." She seemed guarded but sat on the loveseat across from us.
"Why is he here?" She asked avoiding the subject.
"Because I need him here." I answered. "Nicole, you have no idea what I've been through-"
"Oh, please. You've been off touring around the country with your Pop Star boyfriend. You don't care. You weren't there yesterday. He was too important." She glared at Shane.
"You really have no idea what you've done to her." Shane replied.
"Shane." I said trying to get him to stop.
"She had a panic attack yesterday because of you. Do you know what it's like to have someone stop breathing right in front of you?" He asked and watched as her face lost some of it's stoniness.
"I've got this, Shane." I said softly. He stopped and sat back on the couch. "Cole, ever year on his anniversary I lock myself away in my room because I go insane. For the first year he was gone, I was insane." Something in her eyes flickered. "Ask Sierra. I would talk to Justin in front of her, believing he was really there. I would… I would cut myself afterward…just to prove to myself I wasn't insane. That it was real."
"Kay." She said softly.
"But I've finally come to terms with it. It wasn't my fault-" I said before she sobbed.
"I know. I know, Kay, I know." She pulled her knees up to her chest. "I wanted to blame you. I wanted you to feel guilty, too. I didn't want to carry all the guilt myself."
I moved to sit next to her. "What are you talking about, Cole?"
"If he didn't walk me home… they wouldn't have been able to… they knew he had to walk all the way to the outskirts… and from my house it was a long way. No one would see them or wonder where he was."
"No, Cole, it wasn't your fault. It's theirs. Justin wouldn't blame you-" Out of the corner of my eye I saw Shane smiled. "And he wouldn't want you blaming yourself. Nicole, the only people who can feel guilty are the ones at fault. They did this. Not us." I wrapped my arms around her.
"I miss him, Kayla." She cried into my arm. "I got so mad at him that night because he told me he liked you. I was so jealous. I gave him the biggest attitude. He looked really hurt when he left." She cried.
"Oh, Coley. It's okay. He knew how much we cared about him."
She sniffled and sat up. "I know." She whispered, running her fingers under her eyes to brush away the tears. "I'm sorry for giving you an attitude. I guess I was just jealous-" I saw Shane roll his eyes. "Because you were able to move on with your life. And not just like Sierra has, but really move on. It hurt to know you weren't there because you were off on a tour."
"You lose track of time on tour." I said, laughing. "Rich, their manager, has to tell us what day it is every morning and what tomorrow is every night. I didn't realize what day it was, and I didn't know they were doing anything special until Sierra called me in a panic because of the press."
"I saw the HotTunes thing. Sorry. Is that going to cause you a lot of problems?" She asked Shane.
"Sorta." Shane shrugged. "More for Mitchie and me than the band."
"That's not stopping Nate from complaining." I mumbled.
"He was worried, Mitch. He was the only one trying to figure out what to do with you when you woke up. He didn't think it'd be best for us to just shower you in attention when you probably wanted to be alone, and we need to figure out how we were going to handle you being so upset. Stas just took it the wrong way and fought with him on it." Shane said advocating for Nate. "He does care, he's just very… level headed and business like in his approach."
"I know. Sometimes he just comes off way too business conscious. It upset Cait."
"Really?" Shane seemed intrigued by that. I nodded. "I'll talk to him."
Nicole politely coughed, reminding us of her presence. "So, are you heading back on tour when you leave?" She asked.
"No, we're going to Camp Rock for the rest of the summer. Then I go back to school and Shane… does whatever pop stars do in the off season." I teased him slightly.
"I heard your song. It was good. I wad glad you were able to do your music still." I nodded slightly. "I haven't painted since…"
"Maybe you should." I suggested. "I started singing again to pull myself out of my depression."
"This Is Me. That was about being yourself and not caring what others thought. Being strong enough to say 'I don't care what you think'." Nicole said smiling slightly. "It reminded me of Justin."
I nodded. "At first. It morphed into something bigger." I smiled at Shane. "But my original point was that it doesn't matter who you are, you should never hide it. People can think whatever they want. Even if its wrong."
"It's still the same point, Mitch." Shane said. "It's just more about saying it to another person directly now, instead of in general." I nodded in agreement.
Shane excused himself after a little while, claiming he wanted to call Nate and check on Jacob. I smiled at him as he left. "Jacob?" Nicole looked at me.
"Our puppy. My puppy. Our puppy." I corrected myself before giving in and admitting that it was ours.
"Awe. That's cute." She said. "I've missed you, Kay." She said softly.
"I've missed you, too, Cole." I replied.
Shane stayed in the kitchen talking to Nicole's mother for a while, while Nicole and I caught up. He knew she and I need time to catch up and didn't think I needed him there anymore.
However, he eventually came back in. "Mitch, we need to get going soon. Your parents are going to want to talk to us when we randomly show up. I don't want to get there too late."
"Okay, why don't you go call us the cab and I'll say good-bye?" I suggested. He nodded and headed back into the kitchen.
"You two act like your married." Nicole observed looking at me with her head tilted in a fashion Jacob and Jason do a lot.
"We do." I giggled. "But we aren't. Not even engaged. Just… promised." I shrugged. "It's just the way we are."
"You love him?" She asked.
"With all my heart." I replied instantly. "And I know he feels the same." She hugged me again.
"I'm happy for you, Kayla."
I groaned a bit but laughed. "Thanks, Coley."
"I haven't heard that in so long." She said with a half smile. "You're the only person who gets away with calling me that."
"And you were the only person who ever got away with calling me Kayla."
"I still doesn't understand how your parents got Mitchie from Michaela." I shrugged. "We have to hang out again. With Sierra. I know we've all moved on and everything, but it'd be nice to keep in touch."
I agreed. "Yeah, maybe if I have time after Camp Rock before school. Or a weekend or something."
"Yeah, sure." She smiled at me. We heard a car horn. Shane and Nicole's mother came in a moment later. We said good-bye and left.
"Thanks." I said as I laid my head against his shoulder in the cab. He kissed my head and laid his own against mine.
When we pulled up to my parents house, Shane grabbed our small suitcase we brought with us. I rang the door bell, not wanting to scare my parents by just walking in.
Dad opened the door and almost screamed. "Mitchie? Shane? What are you doing here? Connie!" He called ushering us into the kitchen where Mom was, as always.
"Mitchie? Shane?" She asked. "You guys are supposed to be on your way to Camp Rock… on the bus… with the rest of them… Oh my god, what happened?" She instantly went into panic mode.
"Mom. Relax. I just needed to talk to Nicole, so Shane and I took a flight in. We were hoping we could just go with you, or we would fly into an airport on the bus' way and catch up with them." I said.
"Of course. You and Shane can come in the van with me. One of you might have to sit in the back with all of the stuff, but," Mom said.
"Where's the dog?" Dad asked. He'd grown very attached to my puppy.
"We left him on the bus with Nate and Caitlyn. We didn't want to bring him to Cole's with us." I explained.
"That reminds me." Shane said looking over at me. "Kayla?" He questioned. Mom and Dad smiled.
"Cole doesn't understand how they got Mitchie from Michaela, but knew I hated Michaela, so she called me Kayla, which also bugged me. So when I called her Coley, we compromised. I call her Cole, she calls me Kay." He nodded, not fully understanding. I laughed and kissed his cheek.
I grabbed his hand and laced my fingers through his. "Mom, Dad, I have a question. A request. Um, would it be okay if Shane stayed in my room while we're here?" I asked. Shane's head snapped particularly fast to look at me, surprising my parents more than my question had.
"Mitchie…" My mom sighed unsure.
"If you want, he can sleep in Cait's bed, or I'll sleep in Cait's bed. Whatever. I just… I'm still anxious over the whole Justin thing. That dream I had was in my bedroom. I'm afraid I'm going to freak out."
"I think we can trust them." Dad said, surprising us all. Mom looked at Dad questioningly. "We trusted her to be on tour with him without either of us there, I think we can trust her in our own home where we happen to be with them." I smiled at my father gratefully.
"Thank you, Daddy!" I hugged him tightly for a few minutes.
"Steve, why don't you and Shane go see if a game is on?" Mom said, kicking Dad out of the kitchen. We all knew it, so Shane and Dad left to go watch TV. "Okay, let's go. Tell me." Mom said.
I blushed. "We may have shared a bed the entire tour. But nothing happened! I swear. Rich would freak out if anything did. I mean, he gave us all a warning after the hickey, so-"
"Hickey?" Mom interrupted. "Who had the hickey?"
"I did." Surprisingly, I didn't blush. "We got a little caught up, but nothing else happened. Shane just left, a uh, pretty big mark on my neck." Mom shook her head laughing. "What?"
"The first time your father gave me a hickey, I had to wear a scarf for two weeks. I wouldn't let him near me." She said smiling at the memory.
"Wow." I laughed. "I don't think I needed to know that." Mom shrugged.
"Anything else you want to tell me?" Mom asked.
I looked down at the table thinking. I didn't want to tell my mom about the many times I've seen my boyfriend almost naked in the last 2 months. But there was something else I wanted to tell her. "Mom… do you think, after Camp Rock, you can take me to, um, a, uh gynecologist?" Mom choked on her tea a bit.
"Sure, honey… um, why?" She asked trying to get her breath back.
"Um, I… I want to, to go on the pill…" I said as confidently as I could.
"Oh." Mom said slightly surprised. "I didn't realize you and Shane were that serious. I also thought he had a purity ring. Maybe we shouldn't let you sleep in the same bed…"
"Mom, relax. We aren't. He does. You can." I said slowly. "I just, sometimes you get caught up and you don't realize you should stop until it's too late. I don't want anything that to happen. You raised me to know that until I can say, 'Mom, I want to have sex' that I shouldn't be." I explained.
"Sweetie," Mom said laying her hand on mine. "You just did." She said. I looked at her oddly. "When ever you and I would talk about it, you'd stumble over the word sex. You couldn't say it. Now you can. I'll make an appointment for when we get back, okay?"
"Thanks, Mom. I mean, I know we'll probably wait until we get married, I mean, if we do, but even with the ring, sometimes you forget… like Nate did. And I just want to be covered-"
"What do you mean like Nate did?" Mom question. I wouldn't answer her. "Please tell me not in my house…" Mom sighed.
"No, at his parent's house. With both their parents there. Somehow. Never got those details." I thought back trying to figure it out.
"Well, I guess I'll be making both of you an appointment then." Mom decided. I bit my lip and nodded. "Okay, off to bed. Who knows how you've been sleeping."
I stood up and headed into the living to get Shane. After we changed, I remembered I didn't say goodnight to my parents and headed back downstairs. I stopped outside of the kitchen and heard my parents talking.
"I know, she's growing up pretty fast, huh?' Dad asked.
"No, Steve. She's grown. She still has some life lessons to learn, but… look at her. Just getting on a plane at 17 without telling us? As much I love Shane, I hate him. He's taking my baby away from me." Mom said sniffling.
"She had to grow up sometime, Con." Dad said soothingly. "And besides, he's a good kid. He can take care of her."
"I know." Mom said and I could hear the smile in her voice. "I just wish she'd have taken a little longer to grow up." It was silent for a moment and I was going to make my entrance, when she began speaking again. "I wonder when he'll propose to her?" What? Hold up, Mom said what?
"I don't think he will soon. He hasn't asked for permission. Has he?" Dad suddenly became alarmed.
"No." Mom laughed. "I meant, I wonder when he'll propose as in next year or a few years since she has the promise ring. I don't mean like tomorrow. But they are that serious, Steve. It scares me." Mom admitted.
"She'll be fine." Dad assured her.
"Hey, guys." I said coming in. "I forgot to say goodnight." I smiled brightly. I hugged them each and went back upstairs, feeling different.
"You okay? What took so long?" Shane asked from my bed.
I smiled at him as I pulled off my thermal. I watched his eyes follow my shirt as I answered. "I overheard my parents talking. That's all."
"Everything okay?" He asked as I climbed into my bed.
"Yeah. Just my parents realizing I've grown up. I told Mom some things earlier."
Shane's face paled a little. "What kind of things?"
I smiled and kissed him. "Future things." I assured him and turned out the light. He wrapped his arms around me and we fell asleep. It was an odd feeling, not falling asleep to the movement of the bus or the sound of everyone else around you.
Happy? You got an extra long chapter this time.