Teach Me

Khara looked up from her midnight training to see Atton filling the doorway, his shoulder propped on the threshold and a grin on his face, and felt her body flush. They had barely seen or spoken to one another since the night he had confessed his sins and kissed her like she was the only person in the world that mattered. She had hoped they could be alone again but she wasn't sure how to ask for that, or even how to approach it. Once it had seemed so simple. A game of pazaak here, an innocent conversation there. Now she was a bundle of buzzing nerves and he made her that way. If she had meditated, she could have found peace. But she didn't want peace anymore. She wanted the chaotic storm that was her desire for him. She wanted the serenity of the eye of that storm whenever they were together.

"Atton," she said, finishing the flow of her dulon.

"Kay."

"Couldn't sleep?"

"Wasn't really trying," he confessed. "You sure about this? Going to Korriban?"

"It was the last known location of Master Vash. I have to go."

"Just checking, because it's not too late to drop out of hyperspace and run away to someplace that isn't an old Sith world."

Khara pursed her lips to hide her smile and disengaged her lightsaber. Atton grinned again and pushed off the door, walking further into the room. They squared off, staring at one another for a drawn out moment. After awhile, she got the impression he was hesitating.

"What is it?" she prompted. "You didn't come here to change my mind about Korriban."

"Yeah," he mumbled, shyly rubbing the back of his head. "I didn't. I wanted to talk to you about something."

"Of course." She put her weapon away and gave him her undivided attention. "What is it?"

"I had a lot of time to think about things while you were gone," he said, walking around the cargo hold with a nervous energy. "I want to help you. I think that's why she saved me all those years ago—to help you."

"You already help me, Atton. So much."

"I can do more. I know I can." He faced her. "She showed me the Force, Khara. I heard it, felt it. Maybe if I learn to use it, I can protect you." He looked from one eye to the next, some great thought rolling around in his head. "Can you… can you train me?"

"What?"

"To be a Jedi."

Khara stared at him in surprise. His feelings toward Jedi were no secret—his fundamental distrust of their abilities and hatred of their passivity. Now he was asking to become one. Did helping her mean so much to him? No, it was more than that, and it meant so much more.

"Would you really want that?" she asked him softly.

"Yes."

Khara tried not to smile with the happiness that flooded her. When had he become so noble? No, that wasn't fair. Atton had never been anything but noble in the way he treated her and her mission. He had come to care for her so much; his request could mean nothing less.

"Atton, do you know why you were so good at what you did?"

"Because I had the Force."

"Yes," she said, "but you were not a Jedi. Do you understand? Being a Jedi is not a technique, it is a mindset, a way of life."

"And if becoming one makes me stronger, I—"

"You don't need to become a Jedi to use the Force. You have always used the Force and you just didn't know it."

He looked surprised. "I have?"

"You have." She stepped closer to him. "You are strong in the Force. You can learn to use it at will. I can train you, if that's you want. But you don't have to change who you are, Atton."

Something about his expression seemed so relieved in that moment. She was glad. She tried to imagine him in robes, wielding a lightsaber, a serious expression on his face. It was so wrong, it was funny. But as he was now with his leather jacket and blaster pistol and coy grin? He was perfect. He didn't need to be anything else. She already knew he had the skill—the combat prowess and strength in the Force—but Atton was Atton, and there was no other way he could be defined.

"Then teach me," he said, reaching out to take her hand. He brought their linked fingers up to his cheek. "Teach me so I can protect you, or at least buy you some time when disaster comes screaming in."

She smiled a small and heartfelt smile and nodded to confirm she would. He smiled, too, broad and filled with warmth. She opened her mouth to instruct him on opening his mind to the Force but he stifled her words with a kiss. His fingers curled into her hair as he cupped her cheeks and brought her closer. She wrapped her arms around him and leaned into his body, feeling herself pass through that chaotic wall of desire into the eye of the storm, the peace that was him kissing her and holding her. They were encased in that storm, surrounded by their whirling feelings, sheltered in the bubble of serenity that was created whenever their opposing storms collided and became one.

She wanted to become one with him.

...

Atton was pretty sure that Khara Saar was the best thing that had ever happened to him. Sure, they all may be in mortal danger at all times in her presence, but that didn't change his feelings one bit. He never wanted to leave her side. Ever. And he never wanted to stop kissing her. She was better than his favorite meal and he devoured her like she was, too hungry to savor the taste. He attacked her like a heathen, no table manners to speak of. His hands roamed her curves through those thin, cotton pants and training top, tugging her closer until she was flush against him, clawing her hips and sides and thighs.

That she wanted him back was all he needed to know. It was enough to make him believe that there was a future for the two of them. They would find the Jedi Masters and defeat the Sith, and then they would fly into the stars, just the two of them, and whatever happened next didn't matter as long as he was allowed to love her like this. He had never considered himself the settling type. A woman to warm his bed when the urge struck was about all he had really needed. But she was different and she made him different. She made him want things he never thought he'd want, never thought he'd even be capable of. He couldn't explain it, but now that he knew she wanted him, too…

Atton growled and pushed her against the wall. He pulled her thigh onto his hip and pressed hard into her core. She gasped and tightened her fists around his shirt. That made him all the more excited, his desire turning predatory. He lifted her up and wrapped her legs around his hips then pulled her shirt loose, muttering her name into the skin of her throat. Her long, slender throat. It was soft… tender… easily crushed.

The memory of what he had done to the Jedi flashed in his mind and he pushed away from her, desire doused by fear. Khara was leaning against the wall, panting, her appearance disheveled, her eyes wide in confusion and alarm. She was so beautiful. He wanted to kiss her again, to hold her again, but he was afraid. What if Kreia had been telling the truth? What if that dark part of his past could be brought back? What if, in the moment he was trying to love her, he wound up hurting her? Killing her? What if in the moment she trusted him completely—was entirely vulnerable to him—Kreia made him betray her?

It was too much to bear.

"What's wrong?" she whispered, registering the fear on his face.

"It's nothing," he lied on impulse. She gave him a look and he reminded himself there was no point in keeping any secrets from her anymore. "It's just something Kreia said."

"What did Kreia say?"

"That who I used to be is still a part of me. That it could be brought back to the surface—all those feelings I used to have."

Khara studied him before saying in a measured tone, "You mean about Jedi."

Atton nodded. "Yeah… about Jedi. About the Jedi I killed." He looked at her. Implored her. "I don't want to hurt you…"

"That part of you is over and done with because you chose it and made it so. Your will is not weak, Atton. Is mine?"

"No, of course not."

"Then trust me if you do not trust yourself. I won't let you become some Jedi or Sith puppet. Truthfully, I think you are more than capable of that yourself." She slowly approached him and put her hands on the sides of his head. He instinctively reached for her, his thumbs sliding along her forearms and his fingers hooking around her elbows. Their foreheads touched. "Don't let Kreia bother you."

"Don't trust her," he said seriously. "She protects you now, but I don't think she has good intentions towards you."

"I trust nothing I cannot feel through the Force. Kreia has the same empty presence of a droid. She masks herself too deeply and gives herself away."

"Then why—"

"Because I am safer keeping her where I can see her. She has not led me astray nor has she sabotaged my efforts. She plays a game I do not know, and until she reveals it I can do nothing but let it be played. Perhaps she is my ally in truth, hiding her past for reasons similar to your own. And maybe she is everything but. I don't know. Time will tell."

It relieved him to know she was not only aware of Kreia's strangeness but also vigilant to a possible betrayal. He reached up to brush her cheek, suddenly regretting how the night had turned out. Why is it that every time he had kissed this woman, one of his fears had interrupted them? The next time, he promised himself, nothing would break the mood. Next time, he would make love to her no matter what.

He could only hope that next time was sooner rather than later. These sudden stops were killing him. He was pretty sure he wasn't going to make it if he had to wait much longer. Finding time for privacy was harder at every port, the ship getting more and more crowded.

"Are you tired?" he asked.

"No," she replied, shaking her head. "Are you?"

"Not even a little bit." He eyed the vibroswords in the corner. "Feel up to starting my training early?"

Khara followed his gaze and smiled. When her eyes returned to his, there was laughter sparkling in them. "Sit down," she said. "If you want to learn how to use the Force, you have to learn how to open yourself up to it."

"That doesn't sound nearly as exciting as sparring."

"No. But you're not really in any condition to spar with me anyway."

"Ouch. That hurts, you know," he teased her, feigning a blow to his gut. "I have Echani training. I'm a lot more skilled than you know."

Khara smiled again. "So am I."

Atton felt a smoldering heat in his gut. Maybe the mood wasn't entirely lost. But before he could capitalize on it, Khara gently pushed him down by his shoulder and then sat cross-legged in front of him.

"Close your eyes, Atton," she said quietly. "And be ever mindful of the Living Force…"