~#~ (Chapter 25)

The cheerfulness that Gordon had displayed during breakfast had all but evaporated by the time everyone sat down for lunch. He said little, ate almost nothing and by the time the meal was over he was staring sightlessly down at the table in a silent stupor.

Penny excused herself and gave John a sympathetic look as she walked back to her suite of rooms with Tin-Tin in tow. John watched her go and then nodded to Jeff.

The Tracy patriarch stood up and cleared his throat. "I could do with some fresh air," he announced. "I know you've been out with Penny this morning but I'd like you to accompany me, Alan. Just down to the beach. We can talk."

Alan looked past Gordon's bowed head to where John was watching him. The elder of the two brothers gave a tight smile and nodded. "We'll be OK if you want to go with Dad. Won't we, Gordy?"

No-one was surprised when Gordon failed to react. Jeff rested a hand on one of Alan's shoulders and gently turned him towards the door. "John'll look after your brother," he murmured. "You come with me; I think those two have things they want to discuss."

Alan placidly allowed himself to be propelled across the room, through the door, down the steps and onto the sand. John waited for several minutes until his father and brother were out of earshot and then wrapped an arm around Gordon's shoulders and gave him a gentle squeeze. "Are you done here?" he asked quietly. "Because I need to talk to you."

The only outward sign that Gordon had heard was the slight furrow that formed in the centre of his forehead. John took this as a sign that Gordon was listening and pressed onward. "It's important, Gords and much as I'd rather it could wait, it just can't."

With a jerky and almost mechanical motion, Gordon turned to look at his brother. "Scott," he whispered. "…and Virg. You think I should go and see them. Don't you?"

John was quite taken aback that Gordon had pre-empted his entire conversation. "People really don't give you the credit you deserve, Gords, you know that? Even though you're upset and distraught and seem to be shutting the world away…" John shrugged helplessly. "Your mind's still running at three hundred miles an hour and you're aware of the world around you, even if you're not reacting to it."

Gordon shrugged. "Too much going on," he replied softly as he wrapped himself in a self-hug and leaning forward until his head was resting gently on the edge of his placemat. "I don't know how to cope. I don't know what to do. I want to shut my mind off but my body goes instead. It's kind of stupid really."

"It's not stupid, Gords." John shook him gently. "There is too much going on and unfortunately there will be for some time yet. Saying goodbye to Scott and Virgil is just one of many steps that are going to need to be taken before we can even think about things getting back to some form of normal."

"Normal will never be normal again though, will it?" Gordon asked as he pulled his head up from the table and looked at his brother. "I mean, yeah, I'm sure it'll improve from today, God knows it can't really get any worse, but it won't be normal."

John shook his head. "Our definition of normal will have to change completely if we're going to cope with life as three rather than five. We need to stick together, Gords, more than ever before. You, me and Al, we need to help one another and we need to help Dad through this too. The funeral's going to be hard on everyone but it will be especially so on him."

Gordon nodded. "I know," he whispered. "I take it we're going back home for that? That's why Father Fletcher's here, isn't it? So that Dad can make arrangements?"

"Partly," John replied. "…but I think it's more likely that he's here as moral support for Grandma. You know as well as I do what Dad thinks of the religious side of…well, pretty much everything. If he could avoid it he would and he hinted earlier that he hasn't started making funeral arrangements yet anyway. He's worried that the press are going to start hounding us once he does and he's concerned about Scott and Virgil's deaths somehow being linked to the closure of International Rescue. He's got to come up with a cover story that he can feed to the media that's not too far from the truth of what happened but that's water-tight enough that it will stand up under scrutiny."

Gordon adjusted his self-hug and leaned down to scratch his leg. "It was a testing accident. Virgil was testing something on the latest prototype of the TC206, the newest innovation in deep sea mining equipment. Get Brains to insert a description of large, complicated piece of machinery and maybe a sketch for reference. He's got enough half-drawn designs in his office that he must have something that'd do the job. Anyway, there was an explosion and Virgil was injured. Scott rushed in to try and save him only to find himself overcome by fumes or…something which caused him to pass out and expire peacefully at his brother's feet. I don't know where everyone else was or why no-one else tried to help but I'm sure that someone can come up with a reason for that. It's succinct, plausible and not that far from the truth. Will that do you?"

"I think so," John replied softly. "I wasn't really suggesting that you fabricate the whole story for Dad but you've obviously given it a lot of thought. There may need to be a few tweaks where Scott is concerned but all in all, that's not a bad attempt."

Gordon shrugged. "I told you I was struggling to switch my mind off. Things like that keep running round and round, along with the rescue, the 'fly, them…"

John gave Gordon a tight smile before casting his eyes across the room and out of the window at the ocean. "That's partly why I think you should come with me to say goodbye to them properly. I sent you in there, Gords. It's my fault that your last memory of Scott and Virgil is of them like…that. It's my fault and I'm sorry."

"You weren't to know what I'd find and someone did need to go in and find out what was happening. As far as you knew Scott was hurt and in need of help or…something. What I'm saying is that you had no idea you were sending me in to find…that." Gordon sighed loudly and turned to look at his brother. "And I said before that it was better it was me who found them, rather than Al. What I saw is haunting my every waking moment and I wouldn't wish it on anybody."

John pulled his gaze away from the window and took in Gordon's hunched posture. "Scott and Virgil are leaving for Kansas in the morning. I was planning to go and pay my respects this afternoon and if you want to come with me then the invite's there. Dad's already been in and has made his peace with them; Alan wanted to see them but he's changed his mind. Dad…well, I get the impression that Dad sort of talked him out of it, seeing as his last memories are of them whole and well. Dad didn't want him seeing them and changing that. Your last memories are of them are somewhat less…um…pleasant and I think it'd help for you to see them clean, tidy and peaceful again."

Gordon shrugged again and slumped sideways in the chair, putting his faith in the fact that John wouldn't let him fall. "I don't know," he whispered. "What if it messes my head up even more? What if seeing them like that sticks in my mind like how they're stuck in there at the moment. What if that's how I always remember them? What if…"

"Stop it." John wrapped an arm around his brother and held him tightly. "Just stop it and think for a moment. You're currently stuck with the vision of Scott and Virgil how you found them, yes?" Gordon shuddered and then nodded his head but remained silent so that John could continue. "…and you want to fix it so that's not the first thing you see when you wake up in the morning?" Gordon nodded again and let out a wet-sounding sniff. "Well the only way I can see to do that is to replace the mental picture of Scott and Virgil in the Firefly with another image but the only way that I can see to do that is for you go and see them. Granted, it won't be the best final memory of them but it's got to be an improvement on what's up here…" He tapped gently on Gordon's forehead. "…at the moment."

"What about you?" Gordon whispered. "You weren't there, you didn't see. Why are you going in?"

John sighed heavily. "I didn't see it all," he replied. "…but I saw enough and I heard everything. Virgil, Scott…everything. I copied the feed onto my computer in case Dad or Brains or…someone needed it and then pulled all the relevant memory drives from Five to make sure Alan couldn't accidentally come across it. I've locked the drives in my safe and the computer in my desk as I have no clue what else to do with them. Part of me says we should destroy them but another part of me keeps pointing out that they're Scott and Virgil's last living moments on this earth. That part of me says we should keep them forever, even though I would never, ever want to hear them played again. So you see, I need to say goodbye to them. I need to say goodbye to them in clean, peaceful surroundings," John lowered his voice to barely a whisper before continuing. "…and so do you."