Evy: Thank you! Hope this wasn't to late for you :)
NurNur: I'm really glad you liked it. Hope you like this one as well!
Adam: LOL! (And when I say lol, I literally meant I laughed aloud at your review.) Mushy bean paste? Not sure how they'd accomplish that, but I do love the suggestion. You'll have to let me know if you like the ending I have planned for Kikyo. :)
Mika: I know, I lost track of time myself as well, lol. And thank you! I'm so happy you like it so far. Thanks for reviewing!
IrishIndy: Thank you! And I figure Kagome can be a bit forgiving since he went so far to explain why he did what he did. Lol, I figured Sess could use a little help with his brother. Thanks for the review!
Evelyn: I almost gave them a lemon, but I decided to take the plot in a different direction and keep them from bonding immediately. I explained a bit of the trial during Kagura's and Sesshomaru's luncheon chapters, and I'll review them again, but here's what I've revealed so far. The trial will be made up of two parts. The accused party will have the chance to make his case before a panel of demons, the tribunal. (The selection of which was featured in the end of last chapter) They'll present their evidence, argue their sides, etc etc. Then the tribunal decides if the party is innocent, guilty or if he needs to further prove their innocence. So if Inuyasha doesn't satisfy the tribunal he may be punished, or need to do...something. It's all up to them. As for your other questions...you'll see! :)
Seeker Heart: I'll try ;) Thanks for reviewing!
Faded-jade: Thank you! Glad you agree with me. Thanks so much for the review!
Blank: Thank you! I'm glad the joke worked there, lol. You'll find out all the answers to your questions eventually. :)
AN: As an apology for all the late chapters, I asked Kagura (well, begged, you know how she is) for a new chapter of the Demon Handbook she would be willing to share with you all. She's not planning on an update for another year or so (though she grumbles that with people like Kagome and Sango constantly changing the rules, new versions will be out sooner then she would like). But she was willing to share one of the new appendixes in an upcoming Handbook. Enjoy! And be sure to respond with plenty of reviews, she lives off your praise! (She also wants me to tell you that for every review you submit, she helps herself to a new pair of shoes courtesy of Sesshomaru's credit card. C'mon guys, let's rev up the economy and help stock her closet.)
Disclaimer: I don't own Inuyasha and I make no money off this story.
(CLASSIFIED! FUTURE NOTES FOR UPDATES TO THE DEMON HANDBOOK, NOT READY TO BE SEEN. CLASSIFIED! MEANING, NO LOOKING SESSHOMARU UNTIL IT'S READY TO BE PUBLISHED! I'm serious this time, buddy, unless you want me to try out some of this stuff on you!)
Appendix 1: Creative, Foolproof and Possibly, Maybe, Sort of Slightly Psychotic 'Corrective' Behavior Techniques for Your Demon!
Dedication: To my dearest of my dears, Kag and Sango. With your tales of mate stupidity, neglect and sheer worse-then-a-typical-male-maleness, you have inspired this newest section of the Handbook. Read carefully, lovelies. Those mates of yours deserve every last bit of revenge you feel like dishing out to them.
Awesome Intro:
(Best. Section. Ever. Just sayin'.) Its come to my attention, that several of your mates pretty much suck. (I'm looking at you, chickadee!) So this section is just for you, and anyone else who's mates have thought about betraying them, talked to a girlfriend who should have been dead 500 years ago, been stuffed into prayer beads, or are pissed about falling in love with them. This one's for you! (People annoyed at mate's unable to put toilet seats down, cut back on presents or snore, should go to Appendix 2: Housetraining)
Awesomer Intro:
Now that we've gotten through the boring, and the creepy, and the unfortunate parts of mating up, it's time to really cover the important stuff.
How to get back at him when he pisses you off.
Now Kagura, you might want to say -if it wasn't weird as hell to talk to a book- isn't revenge counter conductive to your efforts to keep him from becoming a jerk. Shouldn't I be as sweet as shoo-fly pie to keep from wanting to make devil babies with other women, you might consider. And to that, I might say aloud to anything that wasn't an inanimate object: Pie won't get you anywhere. All that sugar will make you both sick and left with dirty dishes no one wants to clean up. Try lemon meringue instead. Bit of sweet, bit of tart. Just right. And if he's sick after the triple dose of lemon you threw in and his face does that funny scrunched up thing while he chokes? Just perfect.
So here are some of my time-tested suggestions. (DISCLAIMER! I am in no way responsible if you screw up, get hurt and/or killed, or end up forcing your demon to go off to the bakery and bake pie with other women.) Again, these are for only when he seriously deserves it and you want a little payback. Be wise about this ladies.
Oh, can you hear me NOW?
Has your Demon been ignoring you? Distracted by other people and neglecting you? Cell phones are awesome tools to drive male demons insane, especially the old ones who are still getting used to them.
During any private time with Demon, leave your phone on and the ringer turned alllllll the way up. When it rings, insist on talking to that person right there, right then. Have a conversation about nothing. Ask them about life and death. How long it takes to make lemon meringue pie. Anything at all so long as your focus is on the phone and not on your irritated mate. Even better if you tell the person on the other line you're chilling with a 'friend'. Demon's hate the friend label. They want to be your partner, protector, wallet, and sex toy. Not your friend.
Repeat the top, but instead, walk out of the room and refuse to talk on the phone with your mate in the room. Keep your voice sweet, but your eyes daggered when you explain you would hate to 'disturb him'. Or giggle. They'll be crazed with the thought of who you could be giggling on the phone with.
Drop during phone conversations how much you love Ben and Jerry. Ben and Jerry is the absolute GREATEST! Caramel Sutra? Yum Yum. (As a side note, take into consideration how possessive your demon may be. You don't want him hunting down the greatest ice creamers in the whole world because he can't read a pint label.)
Change his ring tone to 'Crazy Frog'. Just for fun. (For extra fun, time how long it takes him to give up changing it and crushing the phone instead. Bet you can't beat my time!)
If he doesn't own a cell phone, get one for him, and explain how it's a gift of love, so he has to take good care of it. Then text him constantly. One-text-for-every-second constantly. Where he is, when he's coming home, who's he with, his plans for the day, etc etc etc. Bonus points if he has no idea how to answer a text message or he's unable because his claws break the buttons.
Where in the World is Carmen Santiago!
So maybe you're in the mood to make Demon play a little hide and seek...
Hide his important stuff like car keys, remote, important documents, etc and douse the entire area with some really chemically perfume to hide the scent. It might give him a clue where you hid the stuff, but at least the perfume will bother him while he searches. Extra points for time capsules in space!
Time for a new name! Grab a new identity and vacation in the Amazons, 'forgetting' to tell him. (This one's perfect for when you're so mad at him, you don't even want to look at him for a month) Time how long it takes for him to track you down, or come back acting confused as to why he couldn't find you.
ThinkGeek will be your new best friend for this one. Buy a couple hundred of their annoy-a-trons and watch the annoyance begin! Try one at a time where you instantly replace the one he's just found, or throw 'em all in at once. Keep track of the number of annoy-a-trons he breaks or gives up finding before finally tearing the house down. (Bet you can't beat 127!) Perfect revenge for when he claims you can never find anything. Since clearly he can't find where those damn beeps are coming from.
Hide his keys or wallet in the fridge after you've already frozen them into a block of ice.
Does he think you buy too many high heels? Demonstrate your generosity by donating some of his stuff to charity. The more expensive, the better. Just picture all those needy faces, and open up your heart, and his wallet.
And if for whatever reason the charity can't accept your donations? Time for a good old fashioned bonfire! Just be careful about roasting those s'mores. Fire fueled by the melting plastic of his plasma might not be the healthiest.
I feel prettyyyyyyyyy, oh so prettyyyyyyy.
Decorating galore for the stupid demon in your life will 'color' your life up!
Does he have a lair, secret palace, or man cave? Help him love his precious space even more by using pink, unicorns, rainbows, some more pink, lace, throw pillows and more pink to re-stylize. Replace his gadgets and toys with Easy-Bakes and posters of Playgirl Centerfolds. Turn one side of his wall into a shrine of the eternal question: Team Edward or Team Jacob? Think he'll hate it? You're probably right.
He won't admit it, but he needs a little help with his wardrobe. I think we're both thinking neon colors, spandex and glitter! For those of you with a gay best friend, I believe a shopping trip for club-wear is in order.
His underwear doesn't look very clean. Be a good mate and wash them out with chili pepper. The only thing that will get him naked faster is you in a soap-bubble bikini.
Cut your hair. This sounds like a joke but statistically, men prefer long hair. Especially when he secretly gets a thrill seeing it spread over his pillow or lower.
Start up a very creepy, very expensiveVictorian porcelain doll collection. The kind where it looks like they have fangs hiding behind their teeth. See how many you can fill the house up with before the nightmares start. Extra points if it's where he keeps his manly things like swords or severed head collection!
Does your demon have a fun little extra like a tail ? As awesome as it probably is, they're also incredibly out of style. Make your demon in again when you dye his tail like a rainbow. Colors are in this season, after all.
Lately, your demon just doesn't have the same manly-man aura he usually gives out, and at his next board meeting you don't want the other mean business men to make fun of him. Boost up his image with some facial hair, courtesy of Sharpie. The thicker you draw it on, the more manly he gets.
This one's more for you, sister dears. Depending on when you're reading this, it's either very hot, or very cold out. Why not take full advantage of the weather with some shorter skirts and skimpier tops? You'll be able to fully appreciate the wonder of the seasons, and your demon will be secure in the knowledge of all those male gazes on you, eyeing you up. Wanting what he's got. Mentally preparing their lines to ask for your number. Estimating their odds of sneaking you away from demon. Trust me, demons love that.
And when you're so furious with him you actually crave his blood? If you're good with needles (or hell, even if you're not) slide pleating pins through the seams of his clothes. They'll constantly poke him, but he'll never find them, and your bloodlust will be satisfied.
Your demon doesn't always have the best taste. The next time you're pressed for time insist that what he's wearing will make you die of embarrassment, and send him back to change. Again. And again. Finally when you're late anyway, decide what he had been wearing the first time was perfectly fine, and he should go back and rush into that.
Mwhahahahaaaa:
This is for all those who don't fit in the other sections. Maybe he hasn't messed up big, but has done small things that have added up over time to the point where you've checked local laws to see how many years "Murder in the First degree" would get 's just fine, sister dears, but to avoid jail time, here's a few ideas that are just for plain ole torture.
You've always wanted a set of claws yourself. Buy some fake nails or grow yours extra long and file them to sharp points. Show them off to your demon by holding his hand and touching him constantly. Make sure you really hold on to him so he can really appreciate them!
This is similar to grabbing a new identity and hiding, only you're keeping your real name and turning it into a bit of a scavenger hunt. With you as the prize of course. Run off to England, and let him get a glimpse of you as you board a plane to South Africa. From there, buy a ticket to Belize, change your mind and go to NYC. See how many countries you can force him to chase you through until you get bored and head home to act like you've been there the whole time. (TIPS: To make it more of a challenge, clean out one of his bank accounts for a "Vacation Fund" and try to pay for everything with cash, credit card use is too easy to track. Also, buy multiple tickets at a time and pick one at random, that way even if can track you, he won't be sure where you're going.)
Two words: Broadway Musical.
When you both know he's done something to deserve you screaming at him like a fishwife, act freakishly pleasant to him instead. Act sweeter then sugar, but make sure you keep a glare in your eyes so he knows he's not off the hook. He'll constantly be on edge waiting for you to start your revenge.
Or if you think you might puke from all that sweet act, ignore him. Don't talk to him, don't touch him, don't look at him, try not to even stay in the same room as him. Your lack of presence will drive him crazy.
In an effort to 'share' more, tell him all about how attractive his brother/coworker/enemy is and wonder aloud why he's still single. Go into detail about why a woman would want him.
When his friends are around, point out how cute his little habits are. (Example: Patting cereal down in milk before he eats it, the spider he saved rather than killed, the braids he let you plait into his hair, etc)
Whether you're a dog or a cat person, it doesn't matter, name something cute, fluffy and/or deformed after him. (This one's just for my little Goldy!)
Develop some dangerous hobbies. Find a sudden taste for blow fish, or a love of sky diving, shark wrestling, and ninja battling. My personal favorites are tricking riding on dragons and fire eating.
Start up a part time business of something he hates. Sensitive nose? Start making potpourri and candles. Hates a lot of mess? Invest in a mixer or craft room and start baking or crafting up a storm. Afraid of dogs? Become a dog sitter or walker. Bonus points if you end up making more money than him!
Start obsessing over boy bands. Even better if you put Backstreet Boys on repeat, 24/7.
Research investments into male strip clubs. (With women dominating colleges, the workforce, and the Superbowl, they'll be the wave of the future.)Write them all in your demon's name.
The 'Big' Guns:
Everything before was merely a immature prank compared to what you have to do if you want to really put him in his place. What you really need to do? Prey on his insecurities. (And refuse to feel bad, I guarantee he did the same to you once he figured out your weaknesses and wanted you to buy less shoes). Figure out what makes him feel weak. The top four ones will almost always involve hair, height, penis size and his career.
Hair: Most normal human males are most worried about going bald or their hair turning gray. Demons won't go bald unless something is wrong with them, and if a demon does go gray, he's usually too old to care much about it. But don't despair, it just means you have to pick some different ammo. Demons tend to be very peacock-ish about their hair. Best way to pick at his ego? Turn it into something feminine. Those aren't warrior braids, they're Rapunzel locks. (Slight reminder, this may backfire on you if you love his hair. Instead of going off proving how masculine he really is, he might shave it all off. Proceed with caution.)
Height: Granted, most demons are insanely tall, but you can use that anyway. Make him feel too tall. And if you have a shorty? All you have to do is ask him how tall he is, then compliment him on something unrelated after he answers. It's that simple.
Penis Size: Men regardless if they're human or demon, rich or poor, powerful or weak, all obsess over their penises. Trust me, I've been around for a few centuries and I can say this with some authority. If you want to let loose some of that hot air blowing up your demon's head, first try giving their penis a cute little nickname. Like Pickle, Twinkie, or Green Beans. Just make sure it sounds small. This isn't enough to crush their manhood forever, but they'll start wondering what you really think, and if any of that thinking is comparing them to your old boyfriends. And if you want to push it even further, google penis jokes and start using them on your demon. This sounds immature, but trust me. You'll have him crossing his legs in no time.
Career: This one will have him mentally crying just as fast as when you start calling his penis, 'Andy Dick'. Your demon can be in charge and making all the paper he wants; he's still going to feel mentally castrated to the guy more in charge. Even if he's the big boss man, there's someone around who reminds him he's not going to be head man forever. Start paying attention to who he complains the most at work about, or has grudging respect for. Then after meeting that person, whether casually or formally, find one good thing to say. 'Say what you want about Mr. Guy-Demon-Loves-To-Hate, but he rocks a suit realllllllly well'. You'll immediately piss Demon off, but it's because you've struck a nerve. And anger shows weakness which means more control in your relationship to you. This is also why it's best to save this comment for when he's really been acting like a asshole.
And in Conclusion darling chickadee and kick-ass chick...
Invest in a digital camera or one of those picture taking phones. You'll want to remember these precious memories of revenge for the rest of your very long lives.
As Pat Benatar once said "love is a battlefield" and sweeties, I am your General.
Have fun loves,
Kagura