Disclaimer: As usual, I am not owning Glee
Chapter 25
"Hey," Quinn tangled Rachel's hair in her fingers. The sun was already up and Quinn still had classes that day.
"Morning," Rachel mumbled. "What time is it?"
"I don't know, but I don't think the alarm has gone off. Give me a second." Quinn out of her chair always needed that extra bit of time to do anything, even roll over and check the alarm. She was on her side facing the middle of the bed and the alarm was behind her on the bedside table. She pushed down with her right elbow to force her body over onto her back and then because her legs were now tangled – she knew from experience, even if she couldn't feel them – she pushed up into a sitting position and pulled back the sheets. Her legs were pretzelled and so she pulled them apart and straightened them. Finally she was able to turn to look at the clock. "Six-thirty."
Rachel groaned, initially out of irritation at the time and then a different noise escaped her as Quinn leaned over and kissed her neck.
"I wish we didn't have to get out of bed today," Rachel grumbled.
"Well why don't we hang onto that idea tomorrow. I don't have to be anywhere, do you?"
Rachel shook her head. "We need groceries at some point, but I can go on my way back this afternoon."
"What time are you done?" Quinn had an idea forming and she had already spoken to Kurt about plans for the evening. Typically the night Santana wasn't working that week was the night Quinn wasn't performing either. They had been disappointed and Quinn wanted to cheer her up. She also wanted to do something special for her three closest friends and as luck would have it, all three were going to be in that evening. Rachel had already suggested they watch a movie together and it went down well after their busy few weeks in the run up to Spring Break.
"I'll be back here around six I guess. Are you still going to come over?"
Quinn nodded. "I might be here before you, but I'll just let myself in if that's okay."
"It's why we gave you a key."
Quinn smiled. "Shall we get take away?"
"I guess. I doubt anyone will be in the mood for cooking today."
Quinn knew exactly what she was going to do. Santana would be in at six as well and Kurt was getting a haircut so wouldn't be in until a little after that. Her idea was definitely going to work.
At two that afternoon, Quinn took a cab from Morningside Heights to the nearest Whole Foods and picked up everything she needed. She had one of the store assistants help her outside with the bags; she had double her usual two bag limit. Outside, the taxi she had ordered was waiting and the assistant put the bags in the trunk for her. She broke her chair down and pulled the frame in the back while the driver put the wheels in the front next to him. The process was reversed at Rachel's apartment, with Quinn getting herself sorted in the chair and offering the driver a little extra to help her to the elevator inside with the bags. He followed her in and she gave him five dollars extra over the fare. She had the plan all worked out. Once in the elevator she punched the button for the third floor and rode up. At the top, she pushed the door hold button and shoved two of the four bags out of the doors. She then pushed the door hold button again, and the other two bags were pushed out. Finally she held the doors back from closing on her as she exited herself. Going to the apartment door, she opened it and then ferried the bags two at a time into the apartment and then from the apartment door to the kitchen. Glancing at her watch it was now four o'clock. It had taken two hours, but that wasn't so bad considering she had done the whole thing on her own.
Santana arrived in first that evening. As she opened the door, she was met with the waft of something that smelled amazing and she assumed Kurt was back early, but she didn't see him in the kitchen, instead she saw Quinn trying to turn the fan on using a wooden spoon to flick the switch at the rear of the worktop. The Latina walked over and raised an eyebrow.
"You're cooking?"
"I can cook," Quinn said. "I just don't get much chance."
"It smells good," Santana was hungry. "What are we having?"
"Tex-Mex, sort of."
"Sort of?"
"Well the spicy rice I actually learned from Mercedes' Mom so I think it's not so much Tex-Mex but it goes well together."
"Please tell me it's something with meat," Santana implored.
"Relax, I made vegan chili for Rach but the rest of us will be having beef."
"Awesome, can I help?"
"Sure, can you get the fan for me, I can't reach."
Santana reached across and flipped the switch that was giving Quinn such trouble. "Now what?"
"Chop some salad?"
"Cool," Santana got to work with the salad which was sat in the strainer having been washed. "Do you need me to get bowls and things from the cupboard?"
"Please, I forgot about that when I started. We need a salad bowl and dishes." Quinn donned oven gloves and dropped the door down so she could reach in and check the pots of chili being warmed. As she lifted the lid, the smell was amazing.
"That's really good. I didn't know you could cook, especially this. I feel a little homesick for my Mom's cooking now."
Quinn had made the accompanying dips to go with the nachos that were prepared but not cooked just yet. San helped herself to some of the grated cheese.
"Hey, no stealing." She tapped the other girl on the wrist and received a pout in return.
"So how come you snuck in here to cook for me?"
"It's not just for you," Quinn grinned. "It's for the three of you but I intend to say something before we eat to explain."
Rachel announced her presence a few moments later and looked at the general chaos going on in the kitchen as she wandered in to see her two friends.
"Q's cooking," Santana shrugged as if to say 'I don't know why so don't ask me'."
"I can see. What's brought this on?"
"Well you guys always end up feeding me when I come over and it's so tight in here that there isn't really room for me to help out ordinarily so I thought I would take advantage of you all being in later than me to cook this evening as I had the time alone to sort everything out."
"What are you making?" Rachel was curious.
"It's a surprise, but don't worry. I don't intend to compromise your principles."
"I'll just go choose something to listen to then," she left and went to the stereo where her iPod was plugged in already. She chose a playlist and put it on, then went to her room to change. She could hear the music, but also the conversation in the kitchen. Quinn was bossing San around which was amusing because no one else would ever get away with it, perhaps Brittany, only she wasn't really the bossy type. They were discussing drinks; Quinn wanted red wine and San wanted beer. Rachel smiled to herself.
Padding out into the living room, she stretched out on the sofa and closed her eyes briefly, allowing the music to soak into her. The gentle teasing that was going on in the kitchen was always entertaining.
"Do you want the salad dressing on?"
"No just let everyone put their own on," Quinn had a wooden chopping board on her lap and was about to lift the casserole dishes out of the oven.
"Hold on. You're not going to put those in your lap," San stopped Quinn before she could pick it up.
"Why?"
"It might spill and burn you."
"I can manage," Quinn's pride bristled.
"I know you can, but …" San puffed out a breath of air. "It just doesn't look very safe. This floor's not exactly smooth."
"There's a lid on for a reason," Quinn's eyebrow quirked in annoyance.
"Please indulge me and let me get them out." San could see the steam escaping and she had seen her friend spill things on occasion because she couldn't move and hold onto something at the same time. She only had to turn slightly with the dishes, but even so, she didn't want to spend the evening in the ER with Quinn being treated for burns.
"Look, I know you're all hard and shit, but you can't move and hold onto that at the same time."
Quinn rolled her eyes. "Here," she pulled off the oven mitts and handed them over.
Santana took them and quickly got to work removing the dishes from the oven. "Thanks," she said after placing them down on the table mats.
"What are you thanking me for?"
"For letting me help." Santana bit her lip. "I know it's not easy and I know it must annoy you." She lifted the oven door closed and threw the mitts on the worktop. "I just had visions of you spinning around and the pot tipping. I've seen you spend way too much time in a hospital Q and I don't want to be going back with you again anytime soon."
"Is that your way of saying you care about me?" Quinn was still a little put out.
"Dios mio, who else would have put up with all your crazy-ass shit when we were in school?"
Rachel had overheard the whole thing and was actually laughing. "Guys, I can't take anymore. Pack it in will you? You're both bickering like an old married couple and no offence San, but that's my job."
Kurt arrived back at just the right time to interrupt them. Santana guessed that Quinn could handle everything from there on so she went to explain that dinner was nearly ready and he should freshen up before they started eating.
Rachel looked at Quinn's face. She was a little unreadable at that moment, stuck between Santana's having stepped on her independence and revealing that she cared a lot. Quinn shrugged and removed the nachos from the microwave, placing them on her lap and rolling to the table.
Rachel took the red wine, her fathers' like to send a case every once in a while, that was already open and poured a glass for Quinn and herself. "Are you angry or just frustrated?"
"The latter."
"That's understandable."
"You didn't interfere, I noticed."
"Not my place. You didn't fight her too hard."
"She's probably right. Last thing I need is adding burn scars on top of everything else." She sighed. "I'm fine. I just wanted to do it all by myself. It was important to me."
"You did do all this by yourself. Someone taking a pot from the oven for you doesn't detract from everything else." Rachel bent forwards and gave her a kiss on the lips and then felt Quinn tug her sweater, an indication that she wanted the brunette to sit in her lap.
Rachel dropped down and they pulled each other into a tight embrace. "I love you so much. You must be tired out this week and yet you still went to all this effort when we could have just ordered pizza or something."
"I wanted to do this for the three of you. And I love you more than anything, just in case you might be in any doubt about that."
Santana was a little wary re-entering the kitchen. "Safe to return?"
"Why wouldn't it be? I put all the sharp knives in the dishwasher!"
"Funny, Q. Very funny. Can I get some wine?"
"I thought you wanted beer."
"Changed my mind," the Latina shrugged. She poured the remaining wine into two more glasses and set them down on the table where she and Kurt were sitting.
Kurt's hair was shorter than he usually wore it, but still styled without a single hair out of place. He took his seat and waited for Rachel to move from Quinn's lap to the table. Quinn removed the apron which had been protecting her clothes and rolled over to the empty space where a chair used to live, but that had been removed some time ago and not put back.
Kurt looked up from admiring his hair in the back of a spoon. "So, Miss Fabray. Are you going to let us in on the secret?"
"There's no secret, Kurt." She paused and cleared her throat. "I wanted us all to share a meal together, and not a take-away either. It's just something I wanted to do for you all to say thanks. I can't imagine having gone to Yale now, not on my own so soon after I was paralyzed and I have just had an amazing time here. The three of you have been so supportive and encouraged me to push myself, especially emotionally and I just felt the need to do something nice to let you know that I really do appreciate it. I feel like I can be much more honest with people now and I don't think that would have been possible without the three of you. So I would like to propose a toast." She shifted her body weight forwards and had to put her left hand on the frame of the chair as she lifted her wine glass in the right and reached out towards the center of the table. "To my best friends, I love you all and thanks for pulling me in the right direction over the last few years. Cheers."
"Cheers!" The other three were moved as they all took a sip of wine after the toast.
"This was a lovely idea," Kurt said. "I hope you know that you don't owe us anything though. You have always been worth the effort, Quinn, even if you didn't always believe that."
Quinn gave him a wry smile and nodded. "Thanks Kurt. And San, I'm sorry if I made you feel bad earlier. You were probably right."
"No sweat, Q. I got your back, always."
"I know and I appreciate that more than you know." She shook her head a little and then grinned. "Let's eat."
"What are we having?" Rachel was curious.
"Well, we have salad and fresh bread."
"You made bread?"
"I did, one of the few things I remember doing with Mom when I was younger. We also have nacho's and the cheese is vegan so you can eat it Rach, followed by chili. The carnivores have beef and Rach has five beans instead, but it's good so feel free to eat what she doesn't want; there's plenty."
They all tucked in. Santana was ecstatic at the home baked bread and there were no complaints from the Latina about the vegan cheese either, which was amusing as she usually made fun of Rachel's diet.
Having eaten their fill, leftovers were stashed by Kurt and Santana who also stacked the dishwasher and left it to run whilst Quinn and Rachel made themselves comfy on the sofa in the living room. The intention was to watch a movie, but Rachel was content to just have the music playing and talking. They had opened a second bottle of wine and it sat half empty already on the coffee table. Quinn had lifted herself out of her chair and onto the sofa and was now lying with her head on the arm and her legs draped across Rachel's lap. Her glass of wine sat on the floor, where her right arm could drop from her stomach where it lay to pick it up with ease.
Rachel absentmindedly massaged Quinn's feet and lower legs. Quinn watched Rachel's blank expression and thought it was cute, she was humming and completely lost in the music. No one else invested themselves so much in the music as Rachel did. The brunette's right hand rested on Quinn's left knee and the other had started out holding the blonde's foot, rolling her ankle one way and then the other. She had pressed her hand against the sole of Quinn's foot to stretch her Achilles tendon and was now working her way up the calf, kneading the soft skin beneath her fingers. All of this whilst having her eyes closed and swaying her shoulders and head to the music. After a few minutes Santana and Kurt wandered in and sat down, he dropped onto the other end of the sofa and San draped herself over the armchair sideways, her feet dangling in mid-air. They were both quiet because Quinn had put a finger to her lips and pointed at Rachel's dreamy state. The three of them watched as Rachel even lifted Quinn's uncooperative right leg across the left and started massaging that.
"Owww! What was that for?" Rachel protested as a cushion was thrown at her head by Santana.
"Please stop the humming. It's driving me nuts and just get a room will you."
Quinn looked round at her friend and quirked an eyebrow. "Jealous much? Just because you haven't been getting any lately, don't take it out on us."
"How do you know I haven't been getting it on of late?" the Latina pouted.
"Because you can't keep anything a secret, hello, Brittany!"
Quinn took a cushion to the head shortly after.
"Stop picking on me, at least I'm not messing anyone around, unlike Kurt," Santana nodded.
"Why are you bringing me into this? And I'm not messing anyone around." He was a little too defensive in his tone.
"You kind of are, though, Kurt." Quinn still hadn't had a chance to talk to him about Michael. "I know you were hurt by Blaine, but you should make your mind up and either forgive him and accept him back into your life or move on. It's not like you don't have other options."
"It's not that easy. Blaine kind of broke my heart and I don't really know if I can trust him again. I still have feelings for him, but if I can't trust him to be faithful, surely those feelings alone aren't enough to make a relationship work."
"I don't really have a great record where being faithful is concerned," Quinn admitted. "But I don't think that I was ever really in love before now. I couldn't imagine ever cheating on Rachel and I guess that's what you have to ask yourself. If Blaine truly loved you like you love him, would he have cheated?"
"I can understand the temptation. I sort of flirted with Chandler last year and I think I broke his trust then."
"Please, sending text messages and spending the night together aren't the same thing," Santana interjected.
"Even if nothing happened?" Kurt asked. "He swore they didn't have sex and I think I believe him."
"San's right, Kurt. Even if they didn't do the dirty, he still allowed someone else to tempt him into spending the night and that's a long way from flirting." Rachel liked Blaine, but just didn't think he was as mature as he sometimes made himself out to be. "Maybe you need to try other relationships out before you decide anything."
"I guess we aren't officially back together or anything, but it still feels like I am cheating on him when I have been on a date and I feel guilty about stringing Michael along because I know how he feels about me."
"If you didn't still have feelings about Blaine, do you think you and Mike might be a couple?" Quinn asked. "Because, he's not going to continue waiting around forever."
"Has he said that to you?"
"Not in so many words, but I get the feeling that he is well aware of your history with Blaine and he could just decide that it's not worth the hassle of spending time with you, if you still want to be with someone else. It's a bit unfair to keep him dangling like this."
"We always have a really great time and I know we have a lot in common. It feels really easy to spend time with him and in comparison, each time I get together with Blaine, we end up at each other's throats arguing about who is to blame. Maybe I should just tell Blaine that I can't see him anymore, but then he's just going to give me those puppy dog eyes and cry on me and my heart will melt all over again. I'm so confused."
"Then at least be honest with Mike and tell him. It's up to him then if he wants to walk away. And if that's what he decides, you have to let him go because it's unfair to pull him back if you don't really like him enough to break up completely with Blaine."
"You're right, I know you're right. God, I can't believe that I am taking relationship advice from the Queen of Broken Hearts."
Quinn laughed. "That's okay; I can't believe I'm giving it." A soft chuckle broke out amongst the four of them. "So listen, I had an idea and I want to run it by you all."
The others all looked at her expectantly.
"I was thinking about throwing a party for everyone back in Lima at the start of the summer vacation. I kind of wanted to get all of the Glee Club back together to say thanks to them and Mr Schue. Plus you know I kind of wanted to do something to thank all our families for putting up with the teenage tantrums that we put them through. We all had our fair share of dramas, me more than most…"
"That's the truth," Santana laughed out loud.
"So what do you think? I got in touch with Figgins and he said I could hire out the school gym and we could decorate it, kind of like at prom. It would be great to just have everyone important to us in the one place together and have a blast, sing some songs, dance the night away."
"I think it's a great idea," Rachel replied. "I for one would be happy to have everyone for old time's sake. I miss Tina and Brittany. Sorry San, but I do miss her a lot."
"I know. It's fine, I miss her a lot too."
Quinn turned and looked San in the eye. She could see her friend's eyes glisten slightly even if the tears didn't fall.
"I wonder if Finn might be home anytime soon." Kurt worried about him all the time. "I miss him more than anything else about Lima except my Dad."
Rachel shook her head. "I think he said his tour would be at least nine months. That would mean he wouldn't be back until the end of August at the earliest."
"Maybe we could try one of those satellite link-up things with him. I think they can Skype." Quinn was thoughtful and knew Artie would be the best one to ask. "Anyway, now that I know you are all in favor of it, I'll go ahead and make the arrangements. We just need to try and gather everyone in Lima at the same time. Then I was wondering if you two would like to go away for a while with me and Rach, you know, like a vacation, but sort of adventure type thing?"
Santana had been saving money and planned to stop working for a while before she started college in the fall. "Count me in, I am so over with working in the bar and I can't wait for summer. What about you Kurt?"
"It's really kind of you to ask, Quinn, but I think I should really spend time with my Dad. I know he's been given good news about his treatment, but I still don't want to take him for granted, so I think I will have to decline."
"It's fine Kurt, we understand," Quinn reached over Rachel's lap and their hands met for a gentle squeeze. "I thought that's what you might say, but we would have loved for you to come along."
"Maybe I might be able to join you for a few days somewhere, depending on your plans. Where are you going to go?"
"I was thinking about seeing the Grand Canyon and Monument Valley because they are so iconic and I really want to shake off my repressive childhood, so where better than Vegas and LA or San Francisco. I want to see the Hollywood sign and go for one of those cheesy tours of Beverly Hills. I know it's really embarrassing, but I kind of want to go on a road trip. We all grew in this small town in the middle of Ohio and I just feel like I've never really seen anything of my own country."
"It sounds magical, Quinn." Rachel sighed and kissed Quinn's hand. "Thank you for inviting us."
The following morning, Quinn had to leave early again. She had swimming practice and two buses to catch. Every time she thought about the buses, a little voice in her head wanted to just get a cab, the money was just sitting there and that's what it was for, to make her life easier. But an easy life wasn't what she was destined for, she knew that now. Her life was never easy growing up and since the accident, her fate was sealed. But in acceptance of herself came the understanding that she was okay with that. It didn't matter that taking a bus was a pain and that sometimes she had to wait a little extra time because the ramp wasn't working on the first one. It didn't matter that it took her longer to get somewhere or to get in and then especially out of her wet swim gear, because Lycra and paraplegia weren't a good combo. It didn't matter that her legs didn't kick in the water, that in fact they just bobbed around and that her turns were painfully slow at the end of every lap, none of it mattered because she was still going somewhere and she was still swimming. If that wasn't a metaphor for life, she didn't know what was. So she tried not to wake Rachel who was still half asleep with her hair fanned out across the pillow and slid effortlessly into her chair. She got her bag and rooted around for her swimsuit. She had it almost to her hips when Rachel's eyes popped open and searched for Quinn. Chocolate and hazel eyes met each other.
"Don't look at me like that," Quinn begged. "I am already running late and I don't need your 'please come back to bed' eyes on me as a distraction. Go back to sleep."
Rachel didn't speak and Quinn couldn't dress without looking at where her lower body was. She glanced away and continued to tug the skintight material over her hips and up to her bare breasts. She swore she heard a groan and looked up. Rachel's eyes were exactly where they had been.
"I asked you to stop looking at me like that," Quinn tried to be cross but couldn't keep a straight face.
Rachel didn't reply but she did roll off the bed and walk towards her. Quinn continued to pull the straps over her shoulders. "Hopefully I can still make the next bus, but there isn't another for half an hour on a weekend, so you can't keep looking at me."
"Take a taxi," Rachel replied. "Or better yet, don't go, come back to bed."
"I can't miss any more. I missed the last three already for rehearsals. I'll get dropped."
"So what? You don't swim to compete against anyone else. You do it to compete against yourself and why would they drop you, you inspire the rest of the team."
Quinn blushed. "I do not."
"Do," Rachel countered. "I talk to them when I come to watch you swim. They can't believe how hard you try to catch them and they can't imagine how hard it is to swim when half your body doesn't work. You make them work harder. They see you and realize there are no excuses."
"Exactly why I need to be on that bus. No excuses."
"You need breakfast."
"I can't eat before swimming, I never do."
"Quinn, just stop for a while okay."
Confusion just fluttered across Quinn's face, she didn't get what Rachel meant. "Stop here you mean?"
"No. I mean just stop for a while. Be still."
"I don't understand," Quinn ran a hand under the strap of her swimsuit and then pushed up on the chair wheels to reseat her hips in the correct place.
Rachel sighed. Quinn was only ever still when she slept or was reading. It was a fact that when she was awake, she was always moving, even unconsciously. Even if she was sitting in her chair, she was never sitting still. She was always fidgeting. Sometimes it was just adjusting the position of her legs, which she did a lot, and it didn't really make sense because physically she couldn't feel them so it wasn't to make herself more comfortable. It was unconscious and Rachel guessed she didn't even realize she was doing it. Other times it was rocking back and forth just an inch or so, flicking her thumbs against the tires on the back wheel and then rolling them back again. If she was waiting for anything, she would tip onto the back wheels and lean her head against a wall and so the same thing. Lying in bed or on the sofa, she would play with a pillow or cushion to keep her fingers from resting. If they were together, she would draw circles on the palm of Rachel's hand or tease her hair, stroke her arm. It had taken a while to notice at first, it was always just small gestures or movements, nothing exaggerated, nothing that was attention seeking. Once Rachel had noticed, she hadn't been able to stop looking for the moments when Quinn was just still.
"You are never still. Do you even know that about yourself? Apart from when you are asleep and I mean deep asleep, the only time you are still is when you are reading. The rest of the time, you are constantly fidgeting."
Quinn shook her head and was about to deny it, when Rachel put a hand on hers. She had been about to slip it under her knee and adjust her leg.
"Stop."
The blonde girl stared at Rachel's hand on her own and just looked at it.
Rachel sat back on the bed, but kept her hand where it was. With her free hand, she pulled at the frame of the chair and tugged it around so they were sat opposite each other. She then placed that hand on Quinn's other one. "Why do you do that all the time?"
Quinn looked a little startled.
"Why do you constantly move your legs around and keep adjusting them. It doesn't seem to make much sense."
"Do I do it that often?"
"Constantly. I mean, not when you are doing something else, but if you don't have something else to occupy your hands, they seem to just gravitate to your legs and …" Rachel shrugged. "I don't get why you can't be still."
"Does it make you uncomfortable to see it? I mean, I don't do it deliberately but I guess it kind of makes it obvious that they're useless and it probably makes people uncomfortable." Quinn was rambling. "I don't even realize I'm doing it."
"Then why do you think you do it? Why is it so hard to be still?"
She shrugged. "I'm not even sure. Is it that bad? Does everyone notice?"
Rachel replied with the same shrug. "It's worse when you are nervous, but even when you aren't it's still there. I noticed when you first came back to school and you constantly used to look down to see where your feet were, almost like you had to keep checking to see that they were still in the same place. And I think I forgot after a while because there were bigger things happening. I think the next time I noticed it was when Shelby came over unannounced that time and I watched as you spoke to her. The whole time you told her about the accident, you had your hands under your knees and kept lifting them and nudging them around."
Quinn realized what Rachel meant. She did do that a lot. "It's to stop myself feeling trapped I guess." Quinn's eyes looked up, she couldn't look at Rachel just at that moment. "I think it goes back to when I was in the hospital and I couldn't move. It was so frustrating. I know you probably felt the same when you woke up as well. Just lying in that bed, I felt like I was trapped. I couldn't even move my head," her voice cracked a little.
"It wasn't so bad for me. They let me sit up straight away, even though my legs felt funny."
"I never really asked you what it was like," Quinn allowed her eyes to meet Rachel's. "I mean, you asked me what it was like, but I just realized I never asked you. I asked how you were when you first came to see me, but you never spoke to me about what it was like to wake up afterwards."
"I haven't told anyone." Rachel's gaze fell to her lap. "I was just so worried about you that I didn't think I had any right to complain about how I was feeling and the doctor reassured everyone that I would be fine, so I didn't feel the need to share it."
"You never talk about it to anyone. I sort of do because people ask me about the chair, so it forces me to discuss it, but outwardly, your injuries healed and so it doesn't come up as a topic of conversation for you."
"I .." Rachel looked like she wanted to say something but didn't know how.
"You were hurt Rachel. I know you think that because you got better and I didn't that it means my suffering was worse, but it wasn't. I was the one who got all the attention and all the help and within weeks everyone just assumed that you were okay, but the fact that you still can't talk openly about it means that you're not, are you?"
A slow shake of the head followed Quinn's question. "I was selfish."
"How were you selfish?"
"When I woke up, I did ask about you straight away, but you were still unconscious and I wasn't allowed to see you. I was lying in the bed thinking that I had lost everything. I couldn't move my legs and Finn looked at me like I was broken so I thought there was no way he would stick around if I was in a wheelchair and there was no way I would get to come to New York and get a chance at fulfilling my dreams. I was shattered. I kept crying and praying that something would happen to give me back what I thought I lost and then about two days later the pins and needles started and I realized that the doctors were right and I was going to be okay. When I saw you, I felt so guilty that I had thought about praying for myself instead of you. It's why I never spoke about it after that. I felt ashamed. Especially because I should never have agreed to get married. I should have listened to you when we were in the bathroom and you got your offer from Yale. You said then that we were too young and this magical life was waiting for me in New York and Finn wasn't destined to be part of that life. If I had listened to you …"
"Don't!" Quinn put her finger over Rachel's lips. She closed her eyes briefly trying to quell the uneasiness in her gut. "Don't say 'if only'."
"But…"
"No!" Quinn was forceful. "You don't get to take the blame. If I had told you earlier how I felt about you, everything might be different. If I hadn't suggested coming to the wedding, everything would be different. If you hadn't insisted on being there for me after the accident, I would have continued to push you away. If it hadn't been for the accident, I would have walked away from Lima at the end of the year without telling you anything about the way I felt. That accident, which could have cost us so much more, let us get closer until we finally realized how we both felt about each other. I think it kind of saved me and allowed me to find myself. You should never feel guilty that you prayed to be whole again. I prayed for myself. It didn't work, but I still prayed even when I knew in my heart that it was pointless. Each time I saw you in rehab, I was so happy for you, but I was gutted for me. I wasn't getting any better, I was just getting stronger and more capable. You were recovering and I was envious. That was one of the reasons I found it hard to spend time with you after you were released from the hospital. But you must understand that I never wanted us to switch places. I never once thought it should be you instead of me in the chair," Quinn stared into Rachel's eyes to convince her that it was the truth.
"I know, but there were times when I wished it had been me and not you. I mean if it had to be one of us. I would have changed places in a heartbeat if I could, even if it meant I lost everything I wanted. I felt like my stubbornness and refusal to listen to reason landed you in that chair and you so didn't deserve it after everything else that happened."
"We don't always get what we deserve, Rach. I thought I didn't deserve you for a long time," a small smile crept across Quinn's face. "Sometimes I still think I don't deserve you."
"But you do." Rachel's earnest features made Quinn's smile spread even further.
"I know that now, but back in school I didn't. I felt pretty worthless for a long time and that was before the accident. Now I know different. I get that I am a worthwhile human being now and despite my skinny useless pins, I also know that you think I am still beautiful and if you think that, I can accept it as well. I can look at myself in the mirror now and not be appalled at how imperfect I look. I can accept the imperfections as just part of who I am."
"You are beautiful though. I mean that empirically. I have never looked at another face the way I look at yours, it will always be breathtaking."
Quinn ducked her head and for the first time since they had started talking, Rachel finally released Quinn's hands. They didn't move. Quinn just left them where they were.
Rachel placed a finger under Quinn's chin. "I don't know about you, but I feel better for that. How about some breakfast?"
Quinn gave her the smile she had been after. "I guess skipping practice won't kill me."
"How about we go swimming together? We haven't been together since last summer. Let's just go later today for fun, not for your PB or whatever."
"Okay, I'd like that." Quinn was thoughtful for a moment. "You know ages ago you made me promise to stop you when you start talking too much?" Rachel nodded. "Do you think you could do the same for me if am fidgeting too much? Just if you think I am making people uncomfortable."
"I will, I promise. It wasn't other people's comfort I was worried about though. It was yours."
"I guess it's just my version of pacing or tapping my foot."
"Do you want to know what you used to do?"
Quinn nodded.
"You used to sit with your legs crossed, left over right, with your elbow on your knee, chin in hand and you would swing your left foot backwards and forwards absentmindedly. I used to watch you in the choir room during Glee Club. When you were standing at the lockers or something, you would have your weight on your right foot and tap your left just behind it."
"I did?"
Rachel nodded. "I noticed things like that."
"I guess I have forgotten the things I used to do. It's pretty funny really when you think about it. We have all these silly little habits that we don't realize."
Rachel placed her hands under Quinn's right knee and lifted her leg onto her lap. It was heavier than it looked. Quinn's legs had always been slender but toned through the three and a half years Rachel had known her before the accident. Even when she had been pregnant, Quinn's figure had remained trim. Now the legs were very thin, the worst of the atrophy had already taken place; her regular swimming had maintained some muscle, but not much. Even so, Rachel thought they were still beautiful. She couldn't look at them as imperfect, like Quinn did. To her they were still warm and soft and part of Quinn's identity.
Quinn looked at Rachel a little oddly, wondering what she was doing.
Rachel cradled Quinn's foot in her hands and raised it to her lips, planting a soft kiss on top of it. Dropping it back into her lap Rachel looked into her girlfriend's face and saw a slightly perplexed grin.
"What was that about?"
"I just wanted you to know that whilst you might think of yourself as imperfect; you said as much a few moments ago, I don't think that way about you or your legs. I know you can't feel them but I can and to me they feel amazing. I love your legs, just as much as the rest of you." She gave Quinn a lopsided grin.
The blonde just sighed. "You're adorable, Rachel Berry."
Over the following days Quinn's remaining performances in the play went off with barely a hitch and on the closing night, they celebrated late into the night. It was also the last day of college before the holidays, so there was even better reason to stay up late and celebrate. They had lunch out with Shelby and Beth the next day and day after that saw the four friends take the train to Lima and see their families for the break.
After the short holiday, it was back to normal college routine for the remaining couple of months. Santana was still waiting to hear about her applications hoping she might get early admission, but nothing had come through yet. She had made lots of applications and so far was unconvinced that she was going to get what she wanted. She knew NYADA wasn't for her, she was no Rachel Berry and musical theatre just didn't do it for her. She had applied to Columbia, but thought it was a bit too Ivy League. Tisch had a recorded music program but only at Masters level. She wanted to sing and dance, but lacked classical training which ruled out Juilliard. She could have looked at the universities with great sports programs and tried for another cheerleading scholarship, but she had hated how restrictive and exhausting it was. She had thrown in some applications to a few less well known places and particularly liked the look of the Fine Arts program at the New School, where she could major in theater or contemporary music and minor in something cool like photography. She actually had her fingers crossed about that one. Pace was another possible, but dominated by acting. It was all so confusing. She really just wanted to be back in Glee Club most of the time and was a bit jealous that her three friends were really happy with their choices.
Rachel spent a lot of time thinking about her songs she would be performing for the Summer Showcase at NYADA. She wanted to do something upbeat and of course her specialty, a power ballad. In the end, she decided that a recent favorite would get another outing, but she refused to share it with Quinn, for a whole host of very good reasons. The other song would be something by Celine Dion, but which one to choose? In the end she decided upon an old favorite.
Quinn also had a review show and wanted to sing for Rachel, so she decided upon her song and just to throw Rach off the scent she spent a lot of time humming one or two of her own favorites, chuckling to herself that Rachel would never guess she had chosen a Celine Dion song too. With the swim season over she had much more time to think about new things she wanted to try out and did a little research into local theater groups.