On the Road to Orzammar: Blondes, Brunettes, or Redheads

CONTENT:
Rating: Mature
Flavor: Adventure/Drama
Language: yes
Violence: no
Nudity: no
Sex: discussed
Other: none

Author's Notes:

The following chapters/scenes take place in the nebulous region of the road to Orzammar.

Finally! Bannon & Zevran's "DA Couples Meme" #4 explained! (Yes, still an IOU on elves in drag...!)

Blondes, Brunettes, or Redheads
==#==

"Oh, hey, Wynne." Bannon came to her seat with his fellow Grey Warden in tow. "Alistair wants to hear the story about the Grey wardens."

"And the griffins!"

Wynne sighed.

"I want to hear, too," Zevran added, tagging along.

The three of them sat on the ground at her feet, looking up eagerly like little kids. "Honestly," she griped.

Bannon said, "And make it good this time."

"Fine. Once upon a time, there were..." She glanced at each of them. "Three Grey Wardens. A brave knight, a skilled warrior, and a dashing young commander."

"Oh ho," exclaimed Zevran. "I know which one I am!"

"They flew into battle on their mighty white griffins."

"White?" Bannon pursed his lips. "I thought griffins were brown."

Alistair said, "The Grey Warden symbol is a white griffin."

"Well, that's just a symbol," Bannon argued. "And I thought it was grey. Because, you know - Grey Wardens."

"Brown is boring," Zevran said. "And white, well, that's one way to attract an enemy's attention. Couldn't they have black griffins?"

With a hardly-suppressed sigh, Wynne continued. "Each had his own griffin - a noble white steed, a golden brown griffin of fierce demeanor, and a sleek, sexy black griffin."

"Awesome!" said Alistair, and Zevran agreed, nearly bouncing in his seat.

"These brave and clever Grey Wardens had many, many adventures together, some dangerous, some humorous, some heart-wrenching. But they always stuck together, and together they triumphed."

"They are ridiculously awesome!"

"Indeed. One day, the last battle commenced. The combined armies of Thedas stood against the vast darkspawn horde. Our three intrepid heroes flew down out of the sun like heralds of the Maker. They circled the armies to rally the people's spirits, then dove on the horde, whittling down their numbers with daring strikes." She started to get into her narrative, gesturing grandly with her hands. The boys watched and listened, enraptured.

"When the griffins tired, the Wardens dismounted and stood defiantly between the Blighted horde and the soldiers of Thedas. With sword, shield, and bow they stood, outnumbered a hundred to one, but defiant. They fought valiantly, no matter how many times the darkspawn attacked. The Grey Wardens prevailed, and no soldier died that day." She smiled, rather proud of herself.

Zevran frowned. "No soldiers died? At all?"

"The Grey Wardens protected them."

"That is rather stupid, no? Why have an army, if only three people are going to fight?"

Wynne lowered her face into her hand. Didn't they understand the point? The message she was trying to convey?

"It was better than last time," Bannon assured her. "You just need to work on the logistics a bit more."

"Tell us another story, Wynne," Alistair pleaded. "Pleeeeeeease?"

How could a fully-grown man look so much like a little puppy? Wynne sighed in defeat. "If you want another story from me, I will have to read to you from my book."

At once, Bannon said, "Ugh! Not Tess of Tevinter," while Zevran said, "A racy, saucy tale of bodice-ripping bosoms?" and Alistair only asked, "What book?"

He quickly changed his tune to "Wait, what?" as he looked at his cohorts.

"No!" Wynne insisted. "No, and Zevran, stay out of my things!"

The assassin only shrugged in an attempt at innocence. Bannon thwapped him upside the head. "Yeah, stay out of her things!"

"I was only idly glancing while you-"

Thwap!

"Ow!"

==#==

Much later...

"Okay, so..." Zevran took a swig from the bottle. "Morrigan or Leliana?"

"Leliana."

"Oh, really?" Zevran pondered this. "I rather prefer Morrigan."

"Because you like to live dangerously," Bannon told him, trying to get the bottle away from him.

"No, but seriously." Just to torment him, Zevran took another long drink. "That long neck, those golden eyes - very exotic! And when she lets down her hair..."

Bannon liberated the bottle as the other elf went all dreamy-eyed. "You've never seen her with her hair down."

"No, but I can imagine. There is something about a woman who wears her hair up all the time... and then when she lets it loose, wild and free..." Zevran sighed. "It is a truly magical moment."

"I didn't know you were such a romantic."

Zevran looked shocked. "Do I not behave romantically all the time? Do I not know an entire tome of romantic poetry? Shall I demonstrate some?"

"Maker's Mercy, no!"

"Pfft." Zevran swiped the bottle petulantly. "You do not know good poetry when you hear it."

"I'm sure I know bad poetry when I hear it!"

"Bah! You wound me! But why did you pick Leliana?"

"Well, she has blue eyes. They are very light, like the sea and sky. But not scary, like yellow eyes."

"Morrigan has nicer breasts," Zevran asserted. He took another drink and passed Bannon the bottle.

"You've never seen Leliana's. As much as Morrigan's, I mean."

"Neither have you!"

"You know what I wonder?" Bannon said, waving the bottle neck like a philosophical finger. "How that thing she's wearing stays on."

"I would worry more about how to get it off." Zevran leered, and they both snorted laughter. "But seriously," he said, taking his turn at the bottle, "they could be bigger. I like a nice cleavage."

"Nah."

"Nah?" Zevran looked at him as if he were spouting blasphemy.

"No, cleavage? It looks like a butt."

"I thought you liked butts!"

"Sure, but they don't belong on a woman's chest!"

The two collapsed in laughter. Alistair wandered over. "Do I even want to ask what you are talking about?"

Zevran said, "We are talking about women." He waved the bottle temptingly. "Care to join us?"

"What do you two know about women?" he asked dubiously.

Zevran coughed. "I have serviced a great many women, I will have you know! And what? Did you think Bannon was gay?"

"Uhhh..." Alistair stared down at the elf.

Bannon reddened. "You thought I was gay?"

"Is this a trick question?" Alistair insisted. "Aren't you the one romping around with... him?"

"I like women just fine!" Bannon insisted.

Alistair's eyes slowly widened. "And yet... you're the one romping around with-?"

A deep crimson suffised Bannon's face, spreading all the way up to his eartips. Zevran snapped, "Stop making him blush!"

"Sorry!" Alistair held up his hands apologetically. "I don't get it?"

"Bannon is bi-sexual, the same as I am," Zevran said curtly. "There is nothing wrong with that!" He handed the bottle up towards the human.

"Sorry," Alistair said again. "I didn't mean... um. You still want me to drink with you?"

Slowly, a very dangerous smile spread across the assassin's face. "Oh yes. I am going to embarass the hell out of you, now."

"It's all right," Bannon said, having remastered himself and recovered more of his normal colouring.

Alistair sat down. "I'm game. I didn't mean to embarass you, really." He took a pull from the bottle, then offered it to Bannon.

"Andraste's tits," he said, "do they all think I'm gay?"

Zevran shook his head sadly. "You really should chase the women more. Make lewd comments to them."

"Please don't," Alistair cried. "Isn't one of you enough?"

"True," said Zevran with a wistful sigh. "There is no one like me. Not even close."

"Hey," said Bannon.

"Okay, lover, perhaps close." Just to spite him, Bannon handed the bottle back to Alistair. Zevran narrowed his eyes, this political by-play not escaping his notice. "The question on the table is: Morrigan or Leliana?"

"What about them?" Alistair took another drink.

Bannon rolled his eyes. "Which one would you rather have sex with?"

Alistair choked and coughed. Zevran grabbed the bottle and actually slapped the human's wrist. "No spilling the booze!"

Alistair coughed again, then he said, "Gee, which one would I rather sleep with? An evil witch, or a lunatic nun? How does one answer that?"

"Not them as them," Zevran explained. "But if you saw two completely unrelated women who looked like them, and could only have sex with one, which one would it be?"

"Uhm..." Alistair seemed to have trouble with the entire concept.

Helpfully, Bannon said, "You can pick Zevran." The assassin leered.

"Gah, no." Alistair said decisively. "I guess... I... I don't know!"

"All right, neither one appeals to you. Hmm." Zevran gave the matter grave thought for a few seconds. "All right, let's discover Alistair's dream woman."

"This sounds bad. Can I at least be more drunk than this?" Zevran relinquished the bottle to him, and Bannon pulled another out of the satchel to share between the elves.

Zevran said, "We will start simply. Blonde, brunette, or redhead?"

"Uh..."

Bannon sighed. "Are you sure you like women?" he asked.

"I do! But I don't know which one I like til I meet her, do I?" Alistair insisted.

Zevran rolled his eyes. "Look, just close your eyes, and imagine your dream woman." He waited til the human followed his instructions. "So... what colour is her hair?"

"Uh, blonde."

"Tall or short?"

"Tall."

"Human or elven?"

Alistair's eyes popped open. "Okay, this is a trick question!"

"What?" the assassin protested innocently.

"If I say 'human,' you'll think I don't like elves. And if I say 'elf,' you'll think I'm some human lech who thinks elves are easy."

"Ah hah, interesting." Zevran nodded philosophically.

Alistair scowled. "Well answer this, then. Since you like men and women, which do you like better?"

Zevran pursed his lips. "Well, it does not matter. There is no better; only different."

"Yah, but if a man and a woman are walking down the street, and you can only have sex with one of them," Alistair insisted. Zevran's eye started to twitch.

"You're going to give his brain a hernia," Bannon said, snickering.

"This is a completely unfair and irrelevant question!" Zevran said.

Alistair countered with, "Well, so is this nonsense you're asking me!"

Zevran sighed deeply and collapsed dramatically backwards to lie on the ground.

"All I want to know is," said Bannon, "does she have a large bosom?"

"And ask about her butt," floated the assassin's opinion up from the ground.

"Well," said Alistair, thinking hard. "Not huge, but ample?"

"With cleavage?" Zevran persisted.

"Well, yeah."

"Aha, see!" The Antivan sat up. "Many men like that."

Bannon shook his head. "You guys must be talking about human women. I've never seen an elf that didn't have nice breasts, and they don't stick together!"

"Oh!" cried Zevran. "You've never been with a human woman! Well, we'll fix that right up at the next whorehouse we pass."

Bannon reddened again. "We will not! And I thought you were going to make Alistair blush!"

"But you're so easy, lover."

"Zev!"

"See!" Zevran laughed, and Alistair did, too.

"Fine." Bannon grabbed the newer bottle. "I'm taking the Wardens' stash of booze, and I'm going to drink it by myself."

"No no no," Zevran plucked at his arm to forestall him. "You should never drink alone!"

"Why not? I get more, that way!"

Zevran waved his hands in a placating gesture. "Okay, I promise complete humiliation on Alistiar. I give you my word!"

"My bottle's kinda empty, I should get going...," the human said pre-emptively.

"Just answer one thing in payment for the drinking and company," Zevran insisted.

"Oh...kay." A look of impending doom came across Alistair's face. "And that one thing is?"

Zevran nodded firmly. "Tell us about your first time."

"Ah..."

"With a woman?"

"Er..."

"When you lost your virginity?"

"Um..." Alistair turned beet red.

Zevran tried not to giggle hysterically. "You're still a virgin?" He looked at Bannon, and they both burst out laughing.

"I'm not!" Alistair yelled. "Exactly. Sorta."

Bannon collapsed against Zevran. Fortunately, he had the presence of mind to slap the cork in the bottle he was holding, before it spilled. Zevran bent double and beat his hand on the ground. "I know what this is!" he said, or tried to, between gales of laughter. "This is the story I predicted! The one with the unfortunate urinary accident!" He howled and fell over backwards again. "You owe me seven gold pieces!"

"I don't want to talk about it," Alistair said calmly.

Bannon fell down to his belly, and tucked his face into the crook of his arm, laughing hysterically. He kicked his feet.

"A gentleman never discusses such things," Alistair insisted.

Zevran rolled from side to side, arms crossed over his stomach. "Oh, stop! You're killing me!" Bannon started hiccoughing.

Wynne and Leliana ran up, with Sten. "What on earth is going on here?" Wynne demanded. She looked from one prostrate elf to the other. "Have you been drinking again?"

Bannon only laughed breathlessly between hiccoughs. He was so out of breath, he could only lie there helplessly. Zevran wheezed. "Oh! I am slain!" He giggled.

Alistair snatched up the bottle Bannon had saved. "Yes, well, I was just telling them funny stories." He stood up and brushed his pants off.

"Help...," Bannon gasped out; "I'm about to -hic- have an unfortun-hic-ate urinary accident!"

"Bwaaaah!" Zevran bawled. He convulsed and flopped onto his stomach. He just lay there inhaling in gasps and exhaling in a weak laughing fit.

"I would like to hear this joke," Sten said.

Alistair snapped his fingers with a downward arc of his fist and stomped the ground with one foot. "Darn it, I'd love to see you laugh hysterically like that, but it was a 'you had to be there' sort of thing."

"I see," said Sten, clearly not. He moved to stand over Bannon. "Do you require assistance?"

"If you could j-hic- just drag me into the -hic- bushes..."

Solemnly, the qunari plucked him up by the back of his tunic and did just that. He left Bannon there and returned to his patrol.

Alistair shrugged at Wynne and grinned sheepishly. She just shook her head and turned back to camp. The knight followed. Leliana moved to Zevran. "Let that be a lesson to you," she scolded, "to share next time you go on a bender."

"Yes, your divine beautiness!"

==X==