A/N: Wow, it's been a really long time and I am so, so sorry. I keep getting sucked into other projects and they don't have set endings either so they just keep going and it's harder to come back to this one because it is so AU and it's just not all that established, so I have to be in the right frame of mind to write it. I will do my best to do better for anyone who's still reading!

"And Josh, guess what else? Mama and I went to a play last night! A real Broadway one! Her boss gave her tickets because she won a bet at work, so we got dressed up and we did our hair all pretty and she even painted my nails and we went!"

"That sounds great."

"It was. What have you been up to?"

"Working quite a lot lately," Josh answered with a yawn. "I've been helping my dad with some stuff around the house too."

"Your dad is my grandpa huh? Could you send me pictures of your family so I know what they look like?"

"Yeah, sure."

"Just in case I ever meet them on the street, I would like to say hello."

"I'll find some and put them in the mail."

"Okay. So why do you keep forgetting to call me?"

He didn't answer for a minute, partially hoping that she would start rambling about something else.

"Josh, I'm waiting."

"Sometimes I get so caught up in what I'm doing that I forget what time it is," he replied. "And then it's too late and you're already asleep."

"Well why don't you have a buzzer or something go off when it's time to call? Or an alarm? Would that work?"

"I'll see what I can rig up. I don't want to miss any more calls."

"No, you sure don't because I am a really fun girl to talk to."

"Yes you are."

"Let's see, what else is new? Well some bad news."

"Uh-oh."

"See the other day me and mama and Adam went to the store to get some stuff for dinner. And it was pretty crowded in there and people kept bumping into me when we were in the lines and then someone stepped on my foot and it was so loud and crowded and I felt like I could not breathe and I started to have a tantrum. I screamed really loud and I tried to run away but there were so many people, and I got confused about where to go and then I ran into the check-out and hit my head and fell on the ground and I just laid there and cried and cried until Adam picked me up and took me outside."

"Were you hurt?"

"Yes, but mostly just so overwhelmed. Mama said it was anxiety. It has happened some times before but it was never so, so bad like that. Adam helped me to breathe better but then I felt so sick and dizzy that we went to the doctor just in case. And the doctor gave me some tips for when I feel anxious like that and he said to mama that there is another kind of doctor we should talk to. So yesterday we went to this other doctor, and she didn't weigh me or check my throat at all, we just talked. And she asked me about when I get anxious and scared and I told her how it felt. And she told me some other ways to relax too. But then when we got home I was playing in my room and mama was telling Adam about it and I could tell she was upset and she started crying and then I laid in my bed with my pillow over my ears because I didn't want to hear her so sad."

"Oh Levi. I wish I could have been there for you."

"It's okay that you were not. It means a lot that you would like to be. I feel much, much better today. And you know what? Some of those tricks the doctors gave me really work! Like today on the playground this one bigger boy pushed me down and stole my turn for the tireswing, and I didn't even flip out, I just did ten big breaths and then I named five happy things and I wasn't even mad anymore! So you don't have to worry."

"So are you going to keep going to the doctor to talk about this?"

"Know what? I have no idea! Mama never told me that. Maybe I would like to because she was very nice, but also I don't think I need help anymore, because those tricks work when I am anxious or upset."

"What if you could learn how not to be anxious anymore?"

"Hmm. Well that might be okay. I would have to think about it. It looks like our time is up, Josh. Will you call again next week on time?"

"I will. Why don't you let me talk to your mama real quick."

"Okay, just a minute."

She got up from her bed and went into the kitchen where Lindsay was just finishing with the dishes.

"Josh wants to talk to you."

"Oh, okay. Why don't you go get in your jammies and I'll be in to read to you in a bit."

"Adam's not here?"

"He had to go home, he has to get up before the sun tomorrow."

"He didn't even say goodnight or kiss me or nothing!"

"I know. He'll owe you double tomorrow."

"Oh alright."

She walked heavily back into her room and Lindsay waited until the door closed before she answered the phone.

"Hey Josh, what's up?"

"Is she okay? It sounds like she had a panic attack."

"That's what we think. She's always had little tantrums when she's uncomfortable or upset but this one was bad. I've never had to take her to the hospital before."

"What did the doctor say?"

"Physically she's fine, there was no concussion from hitting her head or anything that would medically indicate that something was wrong."

"And the shrink?"

"The counselor said that her first instinct is that Levi could be developing an anxiety disorder. It could be something that's being triggered by her ADD, it could be something in her diet that doesn't agree with her, or it could be nothing permanent at all. It's just kind of up in the air at the moment. We're taking it a day at a time and making sure we tune in to how she feels more often. It might be a while until we figure out exactly how to help her."

"Your boyfriend's helping you out with that?"

She knew that tone of voice and she rolled her eyes.

"Yeah, Adam's there for both of us. Is there a problem with that?"

"No, it's nothing."

"Josh, just say it now so we can get it out of the way."

"How well do you know this guy?"

"Better than I know you. He works with me at the lab, so you don't have to do a background check or anything."

"Don't you think you should have told me about someone who is obviously very important to our daughter?"

"Actually no, but I'll answer anything you want to know."

"Is he good to her?"

"Very. He's got a thousand times more patience than I do sometimes. He makes her feel safe."

"He's not going to try to be her dad, is he?"

"I'm not going to lie to you, Josh. He is there for a lot of the dad stuff. He helps with homework, picks her up at school, takes care of her when I have to work. He knows to put her in time-out when she misbehaves and she listens to him just like she would listen to me. He knows what she can and can't eat, when she takes her vitamins and how much. He knows all her favorite things, what she's scared of, who her friends are at school, and what she wants to be when she grows up, even though it changes every week. He loves her, Josh, and she knows it. But he never tries to step in as her dad."

"Okay."

"You could try more often."

"I know I've messed up Linds. I'm trying to do better."

"I know you are."

"I was hoping I could see her this summer."

"Josh, I'm not flying her out there."

"No, I was going to come to you. Maybe bring Cassie so the girls can get to know each other. I'll stay in a hotel, have her back by dinner time every night. Or you can come with us, whatever."

"Let me think about it, okay?"

"I'm allowed a visit this summer, you can't tell me no."

"I know that. I just need to think about what would be best for her as far as how much she can handle. You don't really know her that well Josh and with all this new stuff happening…"

"Okay, think about it but you can't just tell me no."

"I won't. You'll see her this summer, I promise. I've gotta go put her to bed."

"Okay. You'll let me know if anything else happens?"

"Yeah. Goodnight Josh."

She hung up the phone and pushed her hair out of her eyes. As much as she wanted Levi to have Josh in her life, there was that bit of her that resented that he was nosing in now, being there and making decisions when he'd never given a care before.

"Mama! Aren't you coming?"

"I'm coming."

She made her way into the room, prepared to kick toys out of her way but finding that the floor was clear and everything was in its place.

"Hey, it looks great in here."

"I did it this morning when you were in the shower and thought I was still sleeping."

"You did?"

"I don't want you to be sad for me and what is going on in my brain. I thought this would make you happy."

"It does make me happy," Lindsay conceded, laying down on the bed. "But I don't want you to think that what's going on in your brain is your fault."

"Okay. Did Josh ask you about the summer? He wants to come see me! He said he had to ask you but he has so many plans of things to do!"

"I know."

"He promised he will come mama. And he said he was going to do so much better now, about calling me. It will be good, you'll see."

"I know, sweetie."

"I can't wait for it. It will be fun. It will be like having an extra dad."

"An extra dad?"

"Yeah. Because Adam, he's kind of what I think a dad would be like, you know? So then if Josh is being like a dad too, that means I have an extra, right?"

"I… I guess."

"So pretty much I lucked out! Are you going to tuck me in and say goodnight now?"

"Sure."

"Mama, are you alright? You look like you're very shocked."

"No, I'm okay. Goodnight sweetie."

"Goodnight! Sleep really good okay?"

"I will. I love you."

"I love you more and more!"

Lindsay slipped out of the room and closed the door behind her biting her lip as she tried to convince herself that what Levi was feeling was totally normal and healthy. She should want to have a father and she should be able to recognize who loved her, who was there, and who she could rely on. But for some reason the simple statements had Lindsay's heart pounding, and she had no idea why.

Adam wrinkled his brow in thought and Lindsay sighed, crossing her arms over her chest.

"Are you going to agree with me or what?"

"You know he's not wrong, Linds."

"Yes he is. The deal was that he could have a visit in a year if he didn't miss any phone calls. He's missed seven."

"Okay, but he tried to make up for a few of those, did he not?"

"You're on his side?"

"I'm on Levi's side. Yes, Josh has screwed up in the past and he's very lucky he's getting a chance at all now. But do you really want to deny Levi the chance to spend some time with her dad because he made some mistakes? You'd be punishing her just as much as him."

"Okay, you're not helping."

"Linds, what do you want me to say?" Adam asked, following her as she stalked into the bedroom and flopped down on the bed.

"Nothing, never mind."

"No, not never mind," he said firmly, sitting down next to her. "Talk to me."

"I feel like it's too soon."

"What is?"

"Making her spend a whole weekend with him. Especially with all this stuff that's going on, I don't know how she's going to react to situations and if he's got his other kid with him how is he going to be able to focus on her and what if something happens and he can't deal with it?"

"Did you talk to him about that?"

"A little. He understood but he said that I can't say no. He did offer that I go with them so there's that, but I don't really want to spend time with him."

"Okay, you know I love you right?"

"Yes…"

"Linds, you're going to have to get over it. Unless you think that she's in danger with him, you have to give a little."

"It's not fair! He's not her dad! He hasn't been there her whole life, he doesn't worry about her when she has a public tantrum, he doesn't know how to calm her down, he doesn't remember her first words or her first steps, he doesn't make sure she's eating and sleeping well, he doesn't go and buy her clothes or listen to her worries about school. He's not the one she wants when she's sad, he's not the one who teaches her about life. He's not the one who stays up with her when she's sick, he doesn't answer her dozens of unanswerable questions. He's not a dad, Adam. One fifteen minute phone call a week doesn't change that fact and I can't stand that he gets to swoop in and be Mr. Fun and I still have to be mom and dad all by myself."

"I get that Lindsay and you're allowed to be upset. But this really isn't about you, it's about Levi."

"I have to do what's best for her and I am not totally convinced that he's sticking around. I don't want to risk her getting attached only to have her heart broken."

"I know."

"I know what's best for her, I know she needs to spend time with Josh. But I also know that not spending time with him is going to be easier on her than him walking away."

"When he rejected you, it hurt a lot more than you've ever let on, didn't it?"

"I don't want to talk about it."

"At least tell me if I'm right."

"You're right."

"I'm sorry you were hurt, Linds. You didn't do anything to deserve what he did and neither did Levi. But you can't let that dictate your life anymore."

"You make me sound selfish."

"You're not selfish. Not at all. Except with this one thing you're holding her back because it scares you, not because it scares her."

She was quiet but didn't rebuff him or try and move away and it was clear that she was really thinking about what he was saying. She was thinking about a lot of things.

"I don't want to talk anymore," she said finally, sitting up and rubbing her eyes. "I'm going to bed."

"Then I'm staying here."

"Adam, we talked about this."

"I'm not leaving you when you're this upset. And I know you're mad at me for what I said and I don't want to leave things like that."

"I'm not mad at you."

"Can I stay?"

"No."

"Because you don't need me or because you do and you don't like that?"

"Are you going to push all my buttons tonight? Because there's two or three still up for grabs."

"Hey."

"I'm sorry."

"Is there something you should tell me?"

"Yeah."

He waited for a moment then curled up behind her pressing a kiss to her cheek.

"Want to go ahead and tell me now then?"

"No."

"Linds."

"I don't want you to be mad at me."

"Are you going to be honest with me? Because if you are, I can't be mad at you."

"What if I had let you believe things that weren't true?"

"Like what?"

"Adam I saw Josh a lot more than I let on. After Levi was born, I mean. He used to call me to come pick him up at the bar and I would go. Nothing ever happened between us and I never wanted it to, but I didn't really want anyone to know either."

"So he just called you for rides home?"

"Yeah. I never took Levi with me, I would deal with him when my parents had her, or call him a cab if I couldn't get there."

"Why did you do it?"

"Because I didn't want to say no and have him die behind the wheel and someday have to tell Levi that the reason her dad wasn't around was because I was too selfish to go pick him up."

"Did he ever ask about her?"

"No, normally he was too drunk to even remember that I'd picked him up."

"Why do you think he called you?"

"I honestly don't know. Maybe he just knew my number from memory or maybe I was the only one that was stupid enough to say yes. Adam, What I'm saying is that I did bend over backwards to give him a chance. And now I have to do it again. I'm the one that has to do all the hard work all the time and he can kind of do whatever he wants, whenever."

"I get that."

"You do?"

He nodded.

"No matter how much I love her, no matter how much I'm there, he's still her dad."

"She loves you Adam."

"I know that but…"

"No, she told me that you do all the dad stuff. You do all the stuff she thinks a dad should do. She told me that if Josh was going to start being like a dad then that was just a bonus or an extra. You're her number one guy. You have been for a long time."

She didn't have to look at him to know how that statement made him feel.

"I love you for that," she continued. "For being stable in her life, for caring about her and helping her. For helping me too. I don't know what I would do without you."

"And that freaks you out."

"Yes. A lot."

"When are you going to start trusting me?"

"I do trust you."

"No you don't. Not really."

She closed her eyes, hating so many things about herself and about her past and finding that she wasn't ready to reveal those things to him. She wasn't ready for any of this, not like she'd thought.

"You were in love with Josh," he stated simply. She nodded and he sighed. She'd always put on an air that it was a young, semi-causal relationship that her hurt came from his rejection of their daughter, not from his rejection of her. But now Adam was seeing that Lindsay was good at putting up a brave front, better at it than he'd thought.

"I'm not anymore. I haven't been in a very long time."

"I believe you."

"I hate that it still hurts me. I don't know how to get over that."

"I don't either."

"I'm sorry."

"Linds, we all have baggage, we all have things in our lives and in ourselves that aren't perfect, things we want to change. It doesn't make me love you any less and it doesn't make me want out of this."

They were both quiet for a moment, while he ran his fingers through her hair.

"You should go," she said after a bit, looking over her shoulder. "It's late."

"Are we okay?"

"Yes, we're okay."

"Alright, I'll go. Get some rest, okay? Put it out of your mind for tonight."

"I'll do my best."

He got out of the bed and leaned back to kiss her gently.

"I'll lock the door behind me. Goodnight."

"Goodnight Adam. And thank you for… everything."

"You're welcome."

He slipped from the room and she waited until she heard him leave before she rolled onto her back and sighed heavily, staring at the ceiling. This wasn't okay. Not at all.