AN: A Christmas flashback, 'cause tis the season. Drunk Sonny, 'cause that amuses me.
after everything you've done / I can thank you for how strong I have become
December, four years earlier.
"Sonny, the elevator's been broken for a week. We're really gonna haul that thing up seven flights of stairs?" Amanda huffed, her breath making clouds in the chilly December air.
"You're damn right we are," Sonny replied confidently. "Y'think we're just gonna leave it on the curb? We just carried it from 22nd street!"
Hugging herself in her big winter jacket, Amanda eyed the gigantic balsam that was now leaned up against their building. Sonny had only been willing to wait until the first of the month to get a Christmas tree; he had been practically vibrating with excitement the moment Thanksgiving was over. Amanda was not as enthusiastic - it was just another day to her. Jesse was two years old now, only just becoming aware of the holiday, but Amanda still couldn't muster up as much zeal as Sonny. It made sense, because while his Christmases had been warm and happy, hers had been cold and disappointing. It wasn't just about her opinion anymore, though - Sonny had moved into her apartment three months ago. Now, Amanda felt compelled to compromise.
"It's too big, it's gonna take us forever," Amanda told him.
Sonny looked at her like she had three heads. "Where's your Christmas spirit?"
"I don't have any," she mumbled.
"That's the problem." He waved her away, toward the entrance of the building. "Now prop the door open and help me."
With a dramatic sigh, Amanda did as she was instructed: she used the wooden doorstop to wedge it open before she hoisted up the front end of the tree. On the other side, Sonny carried it from the trunk. She had to walk backwards up the stairs, her gaze flickering from the massive tree to her feet to make sure that she didn't trip and fall. For the first few steps, they moved slowly but efficiently - until Sonny stumbled and Amanda received a face full of scratchy pine.
"Ow, fuck, Carisi!" she yelped. "Watch it!"
"Sorry! I tripped," he apologized innocently.
"This is a Pagan tradition, y'know," Amanda informed him after a few more stairs.
"What the hell are you talkin' about?"
"I Googled it. Pagans used to bring Christmas tree branches inside durning the winter to remind them that spring was coming."
"Are you tryin' to deter me from bringin' this inside the apartment?"
"I just don't want you to get smote or anything."
"I think me and billions of people doin' this year after year are gonna be just fine."
"I'm sweating," she groaned.
"You're okay," Sonny insisted.
She stopped moving. "Can you take my hat off? My hands are covered in sap," Amanda asked him sweetly.
He rolled his eyes. "Oh my God. C'mere." Leaning in, he reached over the tree, snatched her beanie from off of her head and shoved it into his coat pocket. "There. Now get movin'."
"I'm goin', I'm goin'..."
They squabbled and bantered for the next six flights, until panting and covered in needles, they finally made it to the front of the apartment. With one final shove, they got the balsam inside, where Audrey and Jesse were watching television in the living room. The toddler's eyes went wide at the sight and she immediately jumped off of the couch.
"Twee!" Jesse announced.
"That's right, it's a Christmas tree. Tree," Sonny told her proudly.
"That's huge," Audrey breathed, getting to her feet. "Did you guys just carry that all the way up here?"
"Yeah," Amanda answered as she tried to catch her breath.
The babysitter nodded, impressed. "Wow."
Amanda crouched down to pick up Jesse, squeezing her into a hug. The little girl was warm and smelled of soap from her bath. For what seemed like the millionth time, Amanda silently thanked whatever powers that be for sending her Audrey. The young woman was so energetic and helpful, always willing to come in early or stay late whenever Amanda's schedule strayed from the traditional - which was often. Most importantly, she loved Jesse and Jesse loved her.
"Okay, so, we gotta wait for the branches to fall before we decorate it," Sonny explained once Audrey had left for the night.
Amanda pulled the Christmas tree stand from the closet, then set it down in the corner of the living room they had decided upon earlier. With Frannie and Jesse looking on, she and Sonny hoisted the tree into the red metal contraption. They crouched down in front of it and maneuvered through the thick bottom branches to secure the trunk in the stand with the big screws on either side. It wobbled and swayed as they fought to keep it straight.
"I think we got it..." Sonny said from beneath the tree.
"Wait, it's not... hold up, hold on..." She struggled with her screw, trying to get it to tighten. "Frannie!" Amanda suddenly cried, when out of the corner of her eye she saw the dog run past too closely and wag her tail so sharply that the entire tree teetered.
The balsam quickly fell forward, and in their effort to simultaneously scramble out of the way and catch it, both Amanda and Sonny were knocked backward. They both clumsily landed on their seat, the tree crashing between them. The wide spread of the branches scratched at her arms, legs and face.
"Uh oh," she heard Jesse lament solemnly as she watched.
Breathless with surprise, Amanda glanced over at Sonny through the thick greenery. He looked genuinely stunned, pine needles attached to his disheveled hair, and she burst out laughing. She flopped onto her back in amused defeat.
Jesse began to giggle, too, most likely because her mother was. "Mama! What you doing?" the toddler asked curiously before she crawled on the floor to join her. She flung her little body atop of Amanda's and put a hand on her face. "You're silly!"
From the other side of the tree, Sonny began to chuckle. He fell backward, joining her laying on the floor. He used an arm to rustle some of the branches of the balsam between them, to get a better look at her. "Y'know why this happened, right? That Pagan remark of yours."
Amanda's abdominal muscles began to ache with the intensity of her own laughter, even with Jesse smothering her. "Oops." Turning her head, she gave Sonny a grin. "Well, you did say it needed to fall..."
"I feel so happy. I think I'm gonna leave here with what I hoped to leave here with - a husband!" Bachelorette Rachel gushed.
The young woman smiled brightly from the screen of the living room television while Amanda dug her spoon around a pint of Cherry Garcia. "Pick Peter," she urged Rachel, as if the reality star could hear her. "Bryan's a chiropractor. That's not even a real doctor."
Amanda's Friday night consisted of television, eating and laundry. Once both children were asleep, she deposited herself onto the couch in sweatpants and a t-shirt to savor some rare time alone. Sonny was out for beers with Fin, and while she was envious, she appreciated how quiet the house was. Her husband and partner had vague plans to meet up with some other police officers, but Amanda didn't bother hounding either one of them for details. Sonny was fiercely loyal; she never worried about where he was or what he was doing.
Two hours later, she hadn't moved an inch except for the five times her bladder had forced her to. Then there was a knock on her front door, and she gingerly hauled herself up from the couch to answer it. She pulled it open to find Fin on her steps. Behind him, Sonny was stumbling down the walkway. A yellow cab sat idling at the curb.
"Rollins, I think this belongs to you," Fin said with a grin, emphatically gesturing to the tall man clambering toward the house.
"'Mandaaa!" Sonny called jovially.
"Oh, lord," Amanda murmured, both entertained and mildly concerned. She wrapped her arms around herself as best as she could, bracing herself against the cold night air. "Get over here," she coaxed Sonny with a little wave, then looked back at Fin. "What were you guys doing?"
"Just playin' a few games of pool with some of the guys from VICE," Fin responded innocently. "We lost track of time and..."
"Your drinks?" she finished his sentence for him with a skeptical waggle of her eyebrows.
"Well, that's my cue. I'm out," Fin concluded quickly, practically jumping off of the front stoop. He jogged toward the waiting taxi. "See you guys Monday!"
"Thanks a lot, Fin," she shouted after him sarcastically.
"I'm home!" Sonny announced, as if it wasn't obvious. His cheeks were flushed and his eyes were glassy as he gave her a lopsided grin.
"I can see that." Amanda tugged on his arm to bring him inside the warm house, then locked the front door behind them.
"Man, I am starvin'!" he told her loudly, flinging off his jacket. His voice echoed through the foyer.
"Keep your voice down, will you?" she pleaded, acutely aware of Luca and Jesse asleep on the second floor of their small home. With her hands on his back, she nudged him toward the kitchen. "I'll fix you something. How about a grilled cheese?"
All lanky, wobbly limbs, Sonny collapsed onto a stool at the island. He roughly rubbed at his face with his palms before slumping over. "I lost."
She put a pan on the stove top before pulling butter from the refrigerator. "Lost what?"
"Pool," he clarified.
"Shocking." Amanda glanced over at him as she worked: the first two buttons of his navy shirt were undone and part of the tail was untucked from the waist of his gray slacks. His dark tie was comically loose, as if he had considered taking it off but had given up half-way. Curls of hair hung over his forehead, dislodged from the typically-perfect style. "You look like you've been shot out of a canon."
He snorted with laughter. "'Shot outta a canon.' That's funny."
She went back into the refrigerator, pulling open one of the plastic drawers. "What kind of cheese d'you want?"
"All of 'em."
"All of them? You're gonna end up with half your arteries blocked like your father."
"Nah," he hiccuped. "What'd you do tonight?"
Amanda raised an eyebrow. "Laundry."
"Ugh." He made a face of disgust which quickly dissolved into a mischievous grin. "Y'look great."
"I'm a whale," she grumbled as she set two pieces of bread into the simmering, buttered pan.
"Whales are great," Sonny insisted.
She bit back a smile. "I advise you to stop talking now."
"Y'know what was kinda funny?" he went on.
Amanda set three random slices of cheese atop a piece of bread, then assembled the sandwich in the skillet. "This better not be a whale story."
"It's like, we're in O'Hara's, right?" Sonny rambled. "And we're playin' pool and all that and I'm lookin' at the bar and it's just filled with all these guys hittin' on girls. It was like watchin' animals in a zoo, all of them circlin', tryin' to keep their attention. Ready to pounce."
She rolled her eyes then smirked at him over her shoulder. "Were you jealous?"
"Nah, 'course not." He gave an emphatic wave of his hand and swayed in his seat. "The opposite. I'm glad I'm me... and we're us... and y'know, not them..."
"Mm," Amanda hummed with a small smile. "That's very sweet."
After another minute, the grilled cheese was golden brown and melting - it was one of the only things she could cook well, although 'cook' was a generous verb. She used the spatula to set it on the near-by cutting board, sliced it in half on the diagonal just like she did for the kids, and dropped it onto a plate. She filled up a large glass of water and set both in front of Sonny.
His blue eyes lit up. "Ah, yeah, thanks," he breathed excitedly before tearing into the sandwich. His mouth almost immediately fell open and his brow furrowed. "Ah! Too hot, too hot!"
"Maybe you should give it a second," Amanda suggested with an amused shake of her head as she stood next to him.
"Uh huh." Sonny haphazardly wiped his hands on a napkin before taking her stomach between his palms. He gave it an affectionate rub. "What's goin' on in there?"
"Not much," she sighed. "There's no more room."
He leaned down and kissed the swell of her abdomen before turning his cheek and resting his ear against it, like he was listening for something.
Amanda ran her fingers through his hair slowly. "You gonna be too hungover to finish painting the baby's room tomorrow?"
"Nah."
"I dunno, you've been struggling to hold your liquor in your old age..."
Sonny lifted his his head and offered her a goofy, lopsided grin. The corners of his eyes crinkled. "Hey, I promised ya, didn't I?"
She nodded. "Uh huh."
He reached over and took a bite of the grilled cheese. "Then I'm gonna do it," he insisted, mouth full. "This is really good."
Amanda's eyes widened and she crossed her arms over her chest. "Can I get that in writing? I want a permanent record of you complimenting something I cooked."
Mid-January meant her last week at SVU before she was put on bed rest. Winter was their slower season, but that didn't mean one less detective wouldn't impact the squad. Chronically understaffed, SVU was used to the struggle by now, yet Amanda wished she could have stayed until she went into labor. She was exhausted and sore and moody, but dragging herself through the work day was more appealing that toiling away at home on bed rest. It wasn't even as if she could truly relax, because everything about being so far along was uncomfortable. Sonny and Fin didn't understand - wanna trade places? I'll lay down for a month! Hell, I'll lay down for two! Sonny had offered - but Amanda had long given up trying to explain anything pregnancy-related to either of them.
"Rollins, I gotta talk to you." Fin appeared, looming over her desk on Tuesday. He seemed uneasy.
Amanda raised her eyebrows, curious as she looked up at him. "Yeah?"
"It's Kim," he told her quietly, casting a furtive look around the squad room. "She's been arrested."
"What?" Amanda exclaimed, eyes wide with shock. "How do you know?"
"She was busted by Narcotics," her partner went on. "My buddy Miguel was doin' a sting and-"
"Where is she?" she demanded.
Fin grimaced. "Down at the nineteenth precinct. About to be off to Riker's. Y'want me to drive you down there?"
She jumped to her feet as quickly as her pregnant belly would allow. "Yeah. Right now. Thanks."
"Kim."
Amanda's voice echoed inside dingy interrogation room one at the massive Midtown precinct. Arms crossed above her stomach, she remained standing as the heavy door slammed shut behind her, leaving the two women alone. Her younger sister fidgeted in a metal chair, her thin wrists shackled to the table in front of her. She looked like a skinny, skittish animal caught in a hunter's trap.
"'Manda," Kim breathed, her eyes lighting up with relief. "I knew you'd come."
All Amanda could do was shake her head; she was speechless.
"I know this looks bad..." her sister went on.
She blinked silently in response.
"I'm sorry about the stuff."
Amanda cleared her throat and rolled her eyes. She gingerly sat down in the uncomfortable chair across from Kim.
"I was gonna replace it all, once I made some money," Kim insisted.
"Made some money? Doing what?" Amanda finally spoke.
"With Eric," she explained brightly. "He's a very good business man."
She remembered that name - he had been the one who had abandoned Kim at Bellevue after she had overdosed on cocaine and had a minor heart attack. She assumed he was also the person who had accompanied her sister in burglarizing her house. Amanda's gaze narrowed. "What kind of business is Eric in, exactly?"
"He's an entrepreneur, he's got all these big ideas, he wants to-"
"Stop, Kim. Just stop," she interrupted loudly, suddenly realizing she couldn't tolerate hearing another one of Kim's deluded fantasies. "Y'all were caught dealing ten thousand dollars worth of cocaine outta his upper east side apartment. He's no entrepreneur, he's a criminal, and so are you."
Kim pouted. "Will you just... will you help me with a lawyer?"
She swallowed thickly. Her eyes flickered to her sister's hands bound by somebody's shiny cuffs; the sight made her queasy, even if she had seen it before. Kim's nails were covered in chipped blue polish - exactly the shade she used to paint her niece Jesse's fingers with, too. The first time she gave the little girl a manicure, she didn't ask for Amanda's permission, but Jesse had been so thrilled that Amanda didn't have the heart to forbid it. "No."
Her sister looked baffled. "What?"
"No, I will not help you," Amanda repeated quietly.
Kim fidgeted anxiously. "But, 'Manda, I really need-"
"I have always been there for you, Kim," she continued, voice stern. "Ever since we were kids. I can't do it anymore."
"Why not?" she whined.
"Because... because I have a family, Kim, and I gotta look out for them first," Amanda reminded her, her words catching in her throat. "And me always bailin' you outta stuff, it's only gotten you here. I should apologize to you for that."
She shook her head furiously. "No, no, it has helped me, it has-"
"It hasn't."
"What am I supposed to do?"
"You'll qualify for a public defender."
"They suck!"
"There are some good ones."
"But... the baby. You're gonna have the baby and I'm gonna be in jail."
"Probably. It's too bad you didn't think of that while you were blowin' coke or robbin' my house."
"Amanda..."
She carefully got to her feet. "This one's on you, Kim," Amanda whispered. "You've gotta figure it out." Before walking away, she squeezed a set of Kim's fingers and looked her in the eye. "Love you."
"This is my favorite, daddy," Jesse announced with a mouth full of chicken parmesan.
"I know." Sonny adjusted Luca on his lap as he supervised the toddler's use of a fork while simultaneously trying to eat his own meal. Lately, Luca refused to sit in his high chair without a massive tantrum, so they had resorted to a new technique. With Amanda's stomach, she didn't have room to hold either of her children for anything. "I'm glad you like it."
"Miss Lucy says we're having a bake sale next week," Jesse continued as she chewed. "And everybody's gotta make something."
"What do you wanna bring?" Amanda asked from her seat at the kitchen table next to her.
Jesse scrunched up her nose in aversion. "You're not gonna make something, are you?"
Sonny snickered into his pasta and Amanda rolled her eyes. "No, I'm not, I was just asking."
Jesse swiveled back to Sonny. "The cookies with the rainbow sprinkles on them. The ones you and nana make."
"We can make 'em this weekend," he agreed with a nod.
Amanda felt a sudden cramp seize her stomach and winced. She set her fork down, leaned back in her chair and exhaled. She ran a palm over the curve of her belly in an attempt to sooth the tense muscle there.
"What's wrong, mama?" Jesse asked her.
"Nothing, I just gotta stand up for a little." She struggled to pull herself to her feet, hoping the change of position would relieve what she knew to be a Braxton-Hicks contraction. As she leaned against the near-by island, she caught sight of her daughter's face: the little girl's brown eyes were wide and frightened. "Jesse, why do you look so upset?"
She wriggled in her chair. "I'm nerve."
"Nerve? Y'mean nervous?" Sonny chuckled with a quirked eyebrow.
"Yes," she nodded solemnly. "Nerve... nervous."
Amanda's brow furrowed. "About what?"
"That the baby's... gonna make you sick," Jesse explained meekly. "Like the other baby."
Her heart squeezed in her chest and she frowned; it was such a sweet and innocent concern. Her eyes flitted over to Sonny, whose expression had gone somber. "Aw, Jesse," Amanda began softly. She forgot about managing the pain in her stomach and sat back down in the chair beside her daughter. She fussed with Jesse's hair unnecessarily, fingertips gently pushing it away from her face. "Baby, everything is gonna be alright. Don't be nervous."
"Are you sure?" she asked.
She nodded. "'Course I am."
"You got nothing to be worried about," Sonny added.
"Is the baby a boy or a girl?" Jesse wondered timidly.
"We don't know yet," Amanda explained. "What do you think it is?"
"A girl, probably."
"How come?"
"Because I already have a brother."
"Oh, okay."
"What if it's another brother?" Sonny asked.
Jesse shrugged. "That's okay. Brothers are cute, too."