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Chapter 25
Luk drove home in a very thoughtful mood. After he had given his little "speech" about steel, Martin had gotten very quiet. More so than usual, if that was possible. Luk hoped that he hadn't pushed too hard, but he felt strongly that something needed to get Martin to pay attention to how he really felt. About everything. About Louisa, about James Henry, about God. It was so easy for people to learn to stuff their feelings down so far that they could no longer even name them.
He knew this so well from being in ministry. He had seen so many people who felt that they "should" feel a certain way or, worse yet, "never" feel a certain way, and he knew the harm that came from this type of thinking. But the ones who paid no attention to their feelings were really hard to deal with because usually the "stuffing down" came from not being safe with your feelings as a child. Luk was fearful that if Martin couldn't name his feelings about his parents, he would go on hurting and shutting others out. It would eventually hurt all of his relationships and probably even his physical health. This was probably the source of his haemophobia. It is a miracle he was able to get over that, he thought. But he truly is a fiercely strong person in many ways.
He just hoped he hadn't gone too far. Maybe Martin wasn't ready and would shut him out now too. But he really valued Martin's friendship and he and his other friends often challenged each other when they felt the need to do so.
"God of grace," he prayed as he got out of his car, "help Martin to know, somehow, that his feelings are okay. He is safe. You created feelings to help us. Grant him peace and help me to have the words and silences that I need to help him, Amen."
He went into the vicarage and went to his desk to prepare for his meeting. First, however, he wrote a note to himself - "write letter to Emily".
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On Wednesday, Natalie called Louisa after school. "Louisa Ellingham please," she said when the secretary picked up the phone.
Louisa came to the phone. "Hello," she said.
"Hi Louisa, it's Natalie. Just a favor. Could you come by the shop on your way home? Luk wrote a letter that he wants you to give to Martin," she said.
"Ok Natalie. I will see you in a bit," Louisa said and rang off. Wonder what this is about, she thought.
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Louisa walked into the chemist's on her way to pick up James Henry. "Here I am. Postie!" Louisa said. "What is this about, do you know?" she asked Natalie.
Natalie showed Louisa the letter. "It is some kind of letter that Luk wants Martin to look over. I'm not even sure what it is myself," Natalie said.
Both women looked at each other. "What do you think?" Louisa asked.
Natalie shrugged. "I have no idea. Maybe it is something about the doctor for the mission trip next summer. Martin has been trying to help Luk to locate a physician for the group," she said.
"Maybe," said Louisa. She waved as she walked out of the door, thinking hard.
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When Louisa got home, Martin was still in with a patient. She put away her things and went in to play with James Henry. She put the letter on top of the television, out of the reach of little hands. "And how was your day, James Henry? Did you have fun playing with your friends? Will you give Mum a hug?" she asked and held out her arms. James Henry, who had been holding on to the cocktail table, walked himself over, still holding on, and came into Louisa's arms. She hugged him back and smiled. At least one of my men is not shutting me out, she thought.
Martin walked in a few moments later. He, too, got down on the floor. "Just for a moment," he said. "Then I will go and change trousers. How was your day?" he asked Louisa.
She leaned over and gave Martin a kiss. She held up James Henry and said, "My day was fine. James, give Daddy a kiss too," and she held him even closer to Martin. James put a wet baby "kiss" on Martin's cheek. Martin smiled his half smile. "Oh, Martin," Louisa added, "before I forget, there is a letter on top of the television from Luk for you. Natalie asked me to bring it home."
Martin stood up and frowned. He picked up the letter, indicated he would go upstairs and left the room.
"Interesting," Louisa said to James Henry.
Martin went up into the room. He wondered what could be in the envelope. What would Luk say in a letter that he couldn't say in person? Martin opened the envelope, his fingers fumbling as he drew out what was inside. There were two letters. The first was addressed to him, the second to Emily. What on earth? he thought. He sat down on the bed and began to read.
"Martin," the first letter began," First of all let me say that I hope our conversation on Monday was not too pushy. I have several close friends and we often challenge each other. I hope I did not offend but, if I did, I apologize. Perhaps you need to know that I value our friendship very much. You are extremely intelligent, thought provoking to me, and well read. You were brought up in an urban environment which gives you a different perspective from many of the villagers who have never left Portwenn in their lives. I need a friend like you around here. Don't get me wrong; I appreciate this lovely village. It is full of wonderful people but I need the stretching that you and I have between us. We are both learning what it is like to be fathers at the same time and that is also important to me. In many ways, I think we complement each other in our caregiving professions. I hope that I am the one for the villagers to lean on, and I know from what people tell me, that you are the one who challenges them to take care of themselves. They don't always like what you have to say, but they see your dedication. And heaven knows, you have saved many of their lives with your advice and amazing skill. We all appreciate your care Martin."
Martin did not quite know what to think. He had certainly never had a letter like this in his life. What was the real reason for this, he asked himself. There is always a catch. No one feels like this about me except Louisa, and I'm not always sure of that, he thought. He continued to read. "So, if we are still friends, and I surely hope so, I would like for you to read the enclosed letter that I have written to Emily. It is a photocopy, so feel free to write any suggestions you might have. I would just like to know if you think it is like what your therapist recommended? Just let me know when you have a moment. Sincerely, Luk."
Martin sat, stunned. No catch, it seemed. Just a letter from a friend. He needed a moment so he stood up, went to his closet, and pulled out one of the new pairs of trousers. Then he pulled out a polo shirt. He put both on and gazed at himself in the mirror. I feel ridiculous, he thought and then turned back toward the bed. I wonder what Luk would say about this. Then he sat down again and picked up the letter. He re-read it, looking again for some ulterior motive. There was none, not that he could find, anyway. His eyes became rimmed in red.
"Martin," Louisa called from below, "shall I cook tonight or will you?" she asked.
"I will if you don't mind Louisa," he said. He wanted time to think and at least he could do that while he was cooking.
Martin came downstairs and went into the kitchen. Louisa was there with James giving him his supper. James had seen an empty bottle sticking out slightly from the bag that Louisa had left on the couch, grabbed it and started banging it on the cocktail table. She had decided it was time for him to have some real food. When Martin walked in she looked up and couldn't quite control the gasp that came out. "Martin!" she said. "Wow! What has come over you - you look great. Is the polo shirt comfortable?" She added the question in an attempt to play down the shock she knew had been in her voice. She did not want this behavior to stop. Her husband looked sexy in a polo. Then she noticed his eyes. They looked a bit red. What was going on? Be quiet Louisa, she told herself.
"I merely decided that if I had paid for the things I may as well wear them. I feel quite ridiculous if you must know. But they will do for the house, I suppose," Martin said.
Baby steps, Louisa thought.
Martin turned and began to gather the food for the supper. Louisa continued to feed James for a few moments so it was fairly quiet in the kitchen. At last she could contain her curiosity no longer. "So, what was Luk writing about, if I may ask," Louisa said.
Martin gave an internal sigh. He had known this was probably coming. "He wants me to look at something for him," he said in an attempt to brush her off.
"Oh," Louisa said. "Something about the doctor for the mission trip?"
Martin stopped what he was doing. He swallowed hard. He knew it would make Louisa happy if she knew the contents of the envelope and he had made promises to her. "No, Louisa," he finally said. "Luk wants...he wants me to give him advice about a letter he is writing to Emily."
"Why would he be writing to Emily?" Louisa asked. She really wanted to know why Luk wanted Martin's advice too, but she didn't dare ask that question.
"If you must know, Winchell suggested, before I left him, that I write a letter to James Henry about his first year as an infant. Something to keep and give to him upon graduation or marriage. I told Luk about it and he decided to write one to Emily. He just wants me to look at it and see if I think it conforms to Winchell's suggestion," Martin said.
"Hmm, that sounds like a really good idea Martin. Can I help by giving you time to yourself to write your letter?" Louisa asked. "Maybe I will write one too."
"I will find the time," Martin said and kept cooking.