Aztec Goddess: Oh my God, five more to go!
Timeline: Right after the previous chapter.
Break
Aside from Mrs. Archer now having a greater chance at killing her son, there was another flaw in her plan for the others to go to her house and break the mirror: they had no key. And no one was home. So Sheska, Heymans, and Vato kinda broke in through a window. After Sheska and Vato convinced Heymans that he should just stop complaining about the piece of glass stuck in his hand since it was his own damn fault – they could have broke the window with a rock, but no, Heymans had to look cool and use his fist – they commenced their search for the magic mirror.
It was a wretched journey filled with fright – everywhere they looked, there was something Archer-full. They saw pictures of Frank as a baby, a child, and in his awkward teenage years. As they approached the stairs, it all got to Heyman's head. "Wait, guys!" he called at the other two already halfway upstairs. "Is this really a good idea? I mean, this means we're saving Archer's life, so won't that make one of us his prince?"
Sheska and Vato stared wide-eyed and opened-mouth at Heymans. "Why'd you have to say something like that?" Sheska shrieked. "Why'd you turn our act of good-will into something ugly?"
"We're only doing this because it's the right thing to do," Vato said, trying to convince himself as well. "That's all there is to it. Don't think negatively, Breda!"
"Sorry . . ." Heymans apologized, rubbing his wounded hand. Feeling not the least reassured about his fears, Heymans followed the others anyway.
Sheska was ahead, so she opened the first door, slowly, so its eerie creaks rang through the house.
"Don't do that!" Heymans cried.
"I didn't mean to!" Sheska answered back. Then she flipped on the light in the room and the sight they beheld was . . . rather refreshing – nothing of Frank. Pictures and trophies and newspaper clippings all about Mrs. Archer filled the room. Okay, maybe this was still a little creepy knowing that she was Frank's mother.
"Holy freakin' crap!" Heymans declared when he saw the collection of pictures of Mrs. Archer in bikini contests, and naturally, he ran towards them. But Sheska cut his journey short when she grabbed on to the back of his shirt collar.
"This isn't the right room," she said.
"But maybe—"
"No, I don't think Mrs. Archer will appreciate you stealing her pictures."
Heymans pouted. "I wasn't gonna say it like that."
"Remember, she's like in her sixties!"
"Not in those pictures!"
While Sheska and Heymans argued, Vato wandered into the room like a mosquito attracted to light. But at least for a different reason. He stared in amazement at all the trophies on the shelf. "Wow, I've never seen this much gold in my life." It was so tempting to take one, just one, who would notice? There were so many, it was impossible to calculate the monetary value in your head Mrs. Archer had in trophies.
"Hey! Both of you, out!" Sheska ordered, pointing to the door. "We have a job to do, remember?"
And what a fine job they were doing. But maybe there was no need for rush. Frank had barricaded himself in a room his mommy had yet to reach. As silently as possible, he had turned the bed over on its side to block the door and he kept on adding stuff after it like the desk, chairs, and nightstands. Now he searched the closet for anything else and he came face-to-face with something so horrific, he had to cover his mouth in hopes to not make a sound. It was one of those full-body mirrors.
Frank made a face. "Damn, I really look that bad in a dress?" he whispered to himself. It seems as though this is the first time Frank has ever looked at himself in a mirror. He examined himself and the dress, twirled around a couple of times, and wondered if some stuffing would help. The he thought aloud, "Wait, what am I doing?" He shook his head and went back to looking through the closet for clothes he could wear. No luck. All he found were colorful negligees, shirts too small for him, and short shorts. So, yeah, the dress he had on was best for humanity.
"Oh, Franky!" the hysteric Mrs. Archer called out, sounding dangerously close. Frank nearly jumped out of his skin, but that would be really gross, not to mention, impossible. Still, he jumped a little from shock and hit his head on the side of the closet and he grabbed whatever he could to not fall over but he ended up taking the clothes down with him and he fell with a loud thump.
Frank sat very still on the floor with the girly clothes all over him in hopes that his mommy did not hear that, but poor Frank was so concerned with the noise he already made, he paid no mind to the full-body mirror leaning forward after he fell, and a moment later, it crashed onto the floor as well. After all that noise, Frank might as well have jumped out of his skin to save his mommy the time to kill him because she definitely knew where he was now. The doorknob suddenly rattling was proof of that.
"Open the door, Franky! It's not nice to prolong the agony!" Loud thumping sounds followed, from her hacking at the door with her knife.
Back at the Archers' house, the trio found the magic mirror, but they decided to see what it could do before they destroy it. It hung on a wall in Mrs. Archer's bedroom, with a fancy golden border and watery interior with a ghostly face floating in the center.
"So how's this work?" Heymans asked, having a staring contest with the mirror.
"You need to say that one verse . . ." Sheska replied, scratching her head, trying to see if she remembered it. "Oh! Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's the fairest one of all?"
"You," the mirror replied sarcastically. "Isn't that what you wanna hear? 'Cause all hell will break loose if it's not you. Isn't that right, Sheska?"
Sheska was offended. "Excuse me?"
"Did I stutter? Damn it, woman, leave me alone! Do you know how many times I have to answer to that Archer lady? And just when I thought I was getting a break. Jeez." The mirror paused. "So, aren't you gonna ask the question again so I can tell you again how fair you are? Why the word fair? This isn't fair."
Sheska glared at the mirror. She grabbed a lamp sitting on a nightstand and said, "Let's hurry up and destroy this thing."
"Say what?" the mirror shrieked.
"Yeah, wait," Vato said, holding his hands out at Sheska to calm her down. "You never know, this may be our only chance to talk to a magic mirror."
"What's so magical about a bitchy mirror?" Sheska spat.
"Your mom," the mirror replied. This only angered Sheska more, but the guys became immensely amused by the mirror.
"This thing's so cool!" Heymans declared. Then he asked the mirror, "Hey, so you know anything besides who's the fairest?"
"Well, yeah, but that's the only question I'm supposed to answer."
"Aw, why?"
"That's just how it is, man. Y'know, I have a cousin in East City that can answer anything, but he can't talk, so I guess that evens things out."
"Can we ask you something like what's the meaning of life?" Vato asked.
"No, nothing like that," the mirror replied.
"How 'bout . . ." Heymans started. He knew there was an important question he was forgetting and it had something to do with someone he knew. "Oh, yeah! Who's gonna wake Havoc up? You know who I'm talking about?"
The mirror thought for a moment. He got this big, stupid smile on his face. "Oh, yeah, I know who you mean. Heh, heh . . ." He went serious again. "No, I can't say it. That wouldn't be fair to other people."
Heymans grimaced. "He's not cool anymore. Go ahead, Sheska."
Vato shrugged and moved out of Sheska's way and she immediately charged at the mirror with the lamp.
"No, wait!" the mirror shrieked. "I'll tell! It's–" CRASH. Sheska broke the mirror in one hit, but she kept on hitting it until she made a hole in the wall.
When Sheska saw what she had done, she backed away, put the broken lamp back down, and said, "It was like this when we got here." Both Heymans and Vato nodded in agreement.
"Yes, because only burglars would break into someone's house through a window and destroy other property," Vato said.
"Yeah, let's break and steal some more things and hide them to make our story believable," Heymans said.
"Yes, let's," Sheska replied.
Well, that sucks for the Archers. But at least the mirror was broken just in the nick of time. Mrs. Archer did make it through Frank's barricade and she had him cornered with the knife coming down at him like last time when she snapped out of her trance for good this time.
"I'm so sorry, son!" Mrs. Archer cried, hugging Frank.
Frank patted his mommy's back. "It's okay, Mom. Let's just never speak of this day again. 'Cause, yeah, you kinda forced me into a dress." (Because that was the worst part of the day.)
"Oh, my. I'm sorry for that, too!" She released her hug and looked earnestly at her son. "Son, you need a break from all this chaos. Let's go home."
Meanwhile, still South, but at a forest, someone did die. And no, not that stupid squirrel over there that ate too many nuts. It was an old lady and she lay facedown on the hard ground in front of her manor. A very dumbstruck Izumi stood in front of her and said to herself in disbelief, "I can't believe it. Just like that, Dante's dead." She stared down at her hands, and then at that little rock next to Dante's dead body and still could not understand the situation. What the hell happened?
After hours of trying to reason with one another, Izumi and Greed eventually came to an agreement, but it was an 'if" statement. "If I kill Dante, then I choose whom you're going to marry," Izumi told Greed as she headed out her house towards Dante's manor.
"What?" Greed shrieked at her. "Look at me! I'm not the type of guy who's gonna let himself be tied down to one woman!"
"You sure? You made it sound like you really want Dante dead."
"I do! But . . . you're mean!" Greed whined, for lack of better words. Then he waved an arm dismissively. "Aw, whatever. You're not gonna kill her anyway." Izumi thought so as well, but she made no further comment to Greed.
When Dante's manor was in view, Izumi fell back to her reasoning. Is there really a valid reason to kill her? Yes, I'd love to get to choose Wrath's mother figure, but that means there has to be a level of trust with Greed. How do I know if he'll fulfill his part of the deal? And what if he's lying about not being able to kill her himself? But what if Dante is really as evil as he says? Then I must kill her anyway! But, damn it! I don't have any facts!
Izumi paced closer to Dante's front door. Okay, lemme assume Dante is evil. Then, why did Greed show up now? Why not years ago? I can assume Greed's evil. But then, aw crap! He's at my house!
While Izumi was busy thinking, Dante, who was tending to her garden in her front yard, stood up and greeted Izumi. Izumi paid no mind at first. A startled look suddenly swept her face. Gasp! What if I'm the evil one! I mean, I'm actually considering killing a person that could be completely innocent. And there was the whole trying to kill my son thing.
"Izumi?" Dante walked towards Izumi, clearly not getting her attention. "Are you feeling alright? You're just standing there . . ."
I think I get it now! Izumi declared to herself. Greed's a wandering priest trying to show me my wrongdoings! That solves the mystery of him wearing all black and why his companion is a little boy! Again, a startled look swept her face. That's my son I'm talking about!
"Izumi!" Dante repeated. "You're starting to scare me . . . Izumi!"
Dante broke Izumi's train of thoughts and Izumi was not happy with that. "Shut up, woman! I'm trying to have an epiphany here!" Izumi yelled. Before she knew it, she picked up a rock from the ground and threw it at Dante. And she must have thrown it really hard because this is how the scary, all-powerful Dante died.
Now back to the present: Izumi stared back down at her hands. Then another thought hit her: "Wait, a priest wouldn't tell me to kill some old lady!" She looked down at Dante's dead body. " . . . Now how do I make this look like an accident?"
Just then, Lyra came out through the front door. "Is everything alright out here? I heard – Ah! Dante!" She rushed down to Dante's side.
"She was like this when I got here," was Izumi's quick response.
Lyra seemed to take the situation well. "Oh, I suppose that's reasonable. It must have been her time to die – she was really old." Lyra sighed. "I guess I'm unemployed again."
"Uh . . . would you like to consider the wonderful job of motherhood?"
Lyra looked at Izumi like she was crazy. "Hell no! All I care about is alchemy!"
Izumi waved a dismissive arm at Lyra. "Fine, then become whatever the hell Dante was. I'm going home." Izumi turned around and started her way back.
Lyra tilted her head in confusion. "Wait, didn't you come here for any reason at all? It's kinda hard to believe you walked all this way just to stand around for a bit."
"Yeah, well, life's full of mysteries," Izumi replied without turning back. Yeah, not suspicious at all.
Greed and Wrath were still there when Izumi came home and they were stuffing themselves with take-out food because the guys are not allowed to even attempt to cook. Izumi had a dramatic entrance with the door swinging open loudly and she declared: "I did it!"
Greed gave Izumi a suspicious look. "You're lying."
Izumi crossed her arms. "Go check for yourself. I don't see why you're so afraid of her – she was really, really easy to kill." She pointed at the door. "Now get out of my house. I'll come to you when I find the perfect mother for Wrath."
"A mother?" Wrath repeated.
Izumi's face softened and she talked lovingly to Wrath. "Yes, I'm going to find the perfect mother for you. She'll love and cherish you and make sure your daddy spends a lot more time with your rather than with random whores!"
Stars shone in Wrath's eyes. He threw his arms in the air in happiness. "Yay!"
Greed was not so ecstatic. "Damn it," he muttered under his breath. This was going to be a long or deal for him, but at least it was too late today to start anything.
It was dark outside, and even darker in East City where they are still suffering from electrical problems. Aside from that, the inanimate objects were gloomy because there seemed no hope for them. Overall, everyone was having a crappy time in the castle, except for Zolfy, and no one knows about Black Hayate yet.
Riza left the others to look for her doggy alone because Roy would obviously be no help and poor Cain was stuck helping Roy to come up with something that would make Zolf happy. Jean remains on the bed, seemingly forgotten again.
"Black Hayate!" Riza called out in an empty corridor. There was less light forther down, so Riza grabbed a candle on the wall. It screamed and Riza screamed and the poor candle fell to the floor.
"Oh, yeah. That was really nice of you," the candle murmured.
"Sorry?" Riza said as she picked the candle back up. "Um, did you happen to see a dog come by?" she asked the candle awkwardly since, well, how natural can it be to talk to a living candle?
The candle pouted. "Even if I did, I wouldn't answer to such a rude person like you! You just grabbed me out of nowhere! You scared the crap outta me!"
"I said sorry!" Riza protested. "But if you can't help, then, fine, I'll leave you alone." She placed the candle back where she found it.
"C'mon, just tell her," a nearby candle said. "I mean, it's so obvious."
"You know where Black Hayate is?" Riza asked.
"Meh, it's actually just a guess," the first candle said.
"But it makes sense," the other candle said. "And there aren't any of us around that room, so that explains why we haven't heard about the dog."
"Can't you just say it?" Riza said impatiently.
The first candle sighed. "Yeah. The Beast lies in the Beast's room. Duh."
"And where might that be?"
"Hey, we've helped you enough! At least figure that out on your own!"
Help? What help? Riza lost her patience with the candles. Without a word, she pulled out her gun and aimed it at the first candle.
The poor candle freaked. "Ah! Okay, okay! Keep going right from here, then upstairs, and go strait! Don't hurt me!"
Thus, this proves that guns are the answer to everything about negotiating with candles.
Meanwhile, Zolfy had made the connection of the Beast wanting to be in his own room as well, so he was well in the right direction. But then he got distracted. He looked down at Chip and Mrs. Potts hopping along beside him. "Guys, I'm hungry. Where's that kitchen where all the utensils sing to me?"
"Oh, no," Chip muttered.
"Um, princess," Mrs. Potts started nervously, "can't it wait 'til we get the Beast?"
"How much farther is he?" Zolf asked.
"We're standing right in front of the stairs. It can't be much longer."
Zolf looked at the stairs and pouted. "A princess shouldn't have to walk up all those steps on her own."
"Well, what do you expect us to do?" Chip asked. "Please don't say carry me."
"Fine, then give me some motivation."
Chip thought quickly. "You've gotta get to the Beast as soon as possible to not run out of time so you can break the curse and we'll be eternally grateful and give you money!" Zolf did not seem impressed, so Chip went on: "A car? One of those blow-up jumpy houses?" Still no response from Zolf. "Damn it, what do you want from us?"
"I dunno," Zolf replied. "I think I can get anything I want from Roy."
"What about . . ." Mrs. Potts said, "a big party?"
Zolf thought for a moment. "Hmm, I may consider that." Then they heard footsteps coming closer in a fast pace. "Who . . ." Zolf started, squinting in the location of the noise. "Oh, it's her."
Riza came to a halt when she saw Zolf. She glared suspiciously at him and asked, "Just what are you doing here, Kimblee?"
"What am I not doing here?" Zolf replied defiantly. Then he went off a little mindlessly: "Wait, I'm supposed to say: I could be asking you the same thing."
"I'm here to get my dog so I can leave this place," Riza replied. She started towards him, looking like she was just going to walk past him like nothing.
"Hey, I'm in a dress, so I should get a head start!" Zolf whined. He started up the stairs in a pretty quick pace for a guy in a dress and high heels. It makes you wonder how often he has done this before.
"Oh, no you don't!" Riza yelled, breaking into a sprint. She easily past Zolf, but did not expect him to tackle her down, so they both fell and rolled down a couple of steps. Zolf held on to the rail with both hands and kicked Riza, but she quickly regained balance and got back to her feet and counter-kicked Zolf. All the while, Chip and Mrs. Potts watched the show from a safe distance.
"Cheater! You're not supposed to get ahead of me!" Zolf whined. He scurried back up to grab Riza's legs and make her go back down. Then he ran for it. He did reach the top of the stairs before Riza, but she again counterattacked with a hard shove. Zolf got himself to fall sideways, but he heard a crack. He looked down and witnessed the most horrible tragedy in his life: the heel had broken of his left shoe.
Those were really fabulous shoes! Even Riza knew this and she gasped in horror at the sight. She did not want to believe that the mutilation of those innocent shoes was her own doing.
"You dirty bitch," Zolf hissed at Riza. He took off his shoes, threw them at Riza, and chased after her because by then, she was already running for dear life. "You realize what you did? I can never wear those shoes again! Just for that, I'm throwing your dog out a freakin' window!"
"Kimblee, stop!" Riza cried. "You're acting crazy – they're just shoes! I'll get you better ones, I promise!"
"Just shoes, Rizzy? Who's crazy now?"
Riza kept on running straight until she found ran into a room. She slammed the door behind her and leaned on it with all her might to keep Zolf from entering after her. He rammed at the door once and Riza withstood it, but when she felt the door grow hot, she had to back away as far and as quickly as possible.
As expected, the door exploded and Zolf walked in, looking crazy-pissed. Then he took a deep breath and seemed calm already. "Okay, I feel better now. I just remembered – those weren't the only pair of shoes I found. Oh, there you are, you little bastard." Black Hayate was in the room and all that noise woke him up. He happily trotted over to Zolf.
"Ahem," Riza said to get her dog's attention. Black Hayate looked at her, wagged his tail, but went over to Zolf anyway.
Zolf picked Black Hayate up and held him as far away as his arms could stretch. "Aw, you think you're so cute, huh? You little freak. Quit wagging your tail at me!"
Chip and Mrs. Potts hopped into the room, utterly exhausted. "Damn, it sucks climbing up stairs in this body," Chip complained. Then when he and Mrs. Potts got a good look at the room, the Beast's room, they screamed in horror. Everything was either broken or thrown to the floor or out of place in some way thanks to Zolf's explosion.
"The magic rose!" Mrs. Potts shrieked.
"Where is it?" Chip shrieked, hopping over to the mess of glass and petals in the middle of the room where the little table that had the rose was thrown to its side.
Riza went over to the mess to look for it as well. She brushed aside the glass, which was once the rose's cover and he found it. She picked it up, slowly, and could only watch the disconnected petals fall to the floor one by one. Only one miserable petal remained attached to the twig.
"This is bad. Hurry up and break the curse, Princess!" Chip pleaded Zolf.
Zolf pouted. "But I don't want to!" He glared at Black Hayate. "This is all your fault. How can you expect me to say I love you, you stupid – wait, I didn't mean that!"
But it was too late for Zolf. Saying those three magical words broke the curse and a golden aura rippled through the castle and turned the inanimate objects back into human militants and brightened the colors of the walls and repaired the damages in the room, but no, Black Hayate did not turn into a handsome prince because that would be way too gay.
When Zolf saw what he had done, he groaned. "Damn it. I didn't know it was enough to just literally say so . . ."
"I'm me again!" Chip squealed with glee as he looked down at his normal body.
Zolf brightened up. "Hey, this means you guys owe me!"
Chip and Mrs. Potts hung their head low. "So what is it?" Mrs. Potts asked.
"I decided I do want a party! I want this castle all fixed up for it and it'll be tomorrow!"
Chip and Mrs. Potts' jaws dropped. "Are you serious?" they both squeaked.
Riza rolled her eyes. "You love being so troublesome, don't you?"
"Hey, I'm not just thinking of myself this time!" Zolf protested. "If you've forgotten, like the bad friend you are, the Sleeping Beauty doesn't have much time left. And since I do know who's gonna wake him, the only way I see it happening is with a big party!" He turned to Chip and Mrs. Potts. "So spread the word, you two! Start working!"
The duo nodded unenthusiastically and exited the room.
Jean Havoc – 4 days, 15 hours, 15 minutes
Aztec Goddess: Like I said, five more to go! I can do this! . . . Eventually.