Chapter 25: Davy Jones' Locker

Raise the colors, you filthy cockroaches (cockroaches)

Dead men tell no tales…

(Dead men tell no tales…)

Sniff…

Sniff-sniff…

The fragrance of supplement reached the nostrils of an all-too-familiar pirate: a small piece of food…no more than half a peanut.

The nostrils this peanut had ensnared belonged to none other than the infamous Jack Sparrow. Still, it was nourishment and it counted. The captain of the Black Pearl fastened a napkin around his neck and impaled the nut on a fork.

No one was here. It was all HIS. He could eat it and no one would care. The tasty morsel almost reached his mouth when there was an all-too-abrupt gunshot. Jack's eyes widened as his mouth gaped at the sudden death-dealing injury. His tongue rolled out, still covered in saliva and ALMOST touched the nut and sent the flavor to his failing nervous system.

Jack fell backwards…he didn't even TASTE the peanut: dead. The smoking barrel of this flintlock belonged to…Jack Sparrow? Jack blew the smoke off his pistol, then waltzed over to his copy's corpse and plucked the peanut free of the fork.

"My peanut." Jack said, taking the peanut and crunching it. He then turned "Mr. Sparrow! Slacken the braces!"

"AYE CAPTAIN!" shouted, strangely enough, another Jack (this one without coat, hat, or even a shirt), who hung from the mast, "SLACKEN BRACES!"

An entire crew of Jacks began hustling and bustling to do…whatever it was they were trying to do. Some untied the sails while others swabbed the deck and cleaned out the cannons.

The Jack that got shot still lay on his back, staring at the sky. "Help…" the shot Jack moaned.

One Jack stood still all the while emitting a small moaning noise…then burst out clucking and strutting like a chicken. When THAT Jack moved, ANOTHER one behind Chicken Jack picked up an egg, seemingly from nowhere, too.

Another Jack was sitting close to a goat, slowly inching closer as if trying to…uh…hehe…well, you know. THIS earned him a strange look from the goat he was trying to get comfy with.

One Jack had unusually large pupils, walked on his tiptoes, staggered around aimlessly, and sang some song that had no particular tune. And he looked very happy, too… (1)

"Mr. Sparrow!" the Jack with a jacket and hat shouted to another shirtless Jack.

"Aye, Captain Sparrow?" the other Jack asked. This Jack had been doing work on the cannons…and seemed to be doing a bad job, too.

"What do ye call this?" Jack asked, holding out a rope with a knot tied into it.

"I call it a rope, sir." Jack replied.

"Oh, bein' a smart aleck are we?" Jack asked, "This is, obvious to anyone, a poorly-done knot. IT IS APPREHENSIVE, APPAULING, AND AN ABOMINATION!"

"Sorry, cap'n." Jack said, apologetically, "Could ye give me a second chance?"

"Really?" Jack asked, running his cutlass through his look-alike, "That's the kinda thinkin' that got us into this mess." Jack shoved the corpse down and began cleaning his blade on the rail of the Black Pearl, "We have lost speed and, therefore time! Precious time! Time which cannot be recovered once lost!" Jack then turned around to ship's dock…and he was the only one onboard. Those other Jacks were merely figments of his imagination…yet he didn't seem aware of it.

"For all the work that gets done, I might as well be the only one here!" Jack grabbed a rope, "Gentlemen, I wash my hands of this weirdness!"

Jack swung off the Black Pearl and…landed with a hard THUMP on the ground. The whole area was a barren expanse of white sandstone that seemed endless and was abnormally hot. There wasn't a cloud in the sky, and most importantly, there were no plants or animals in the area.

After looking around for a second, Jack stuck his finger in his mouth then pulled it out to test for wind. "No wind." Jack stated, seeing as there wasn't even a small breeze, "I just want a BIT of wind! A breeze! A breath!"

Jack heard a noise: a single, small "thunk". He turned around and noticed a rock. JUST a rock, no bigger than an apple and the color of the ground he walked on. The captain of the Black Pearl picked up said rock, inspected it whilst wondering where it could have possibly come from. He licked it, made a face at how terrible it tasted (or how stupid the idea was), and then threw it away, hoping for something to happen.

Nothing did. The rock just skidded across the barren expanse until it clattered to a halt.

Jack, disappointed at the results, walked over to the Pearl for reasons hither-to-unknown, looked over to see…the rock. He could've sworn he threw that thing away, yet here it was in the exact same position he found it in.

Thinking it was alive, Jack made a motion with his hands, as though he was shooing away a dog.

"Shoo." He simply said, picking up the rock and tossing it away, "Now I'm bein' chased by rocks. Never did THAT before…"

Jack noticed a rope on the Black Pearl and tugged it. It came free, but wouldn't stop falling. After a few unneeded minutes, the rope stopped. Jack took hold of the rope, then heaved in an attempt to drag the MUCH larger vessel to some body of water.

Meanwhile, something happened with the rock. It suddenly sprouted legs, eyestalks, pincers, and legs. It had somehow shifted into a rock-like crab. It scuttled over to a small clearing that was filled with even MORE rocks. It began clicking its pincers and making some strange noise.

For a while, there was only silence, sand, stones, and sun. Then the entire sea of rocks sprang to life as rock-crabs. And, unbeknownst to Jack, they began to scuttle towards the ship's underside.

Jack fell over onto his face, looked at the ship to see it had gone nowhere, then huffed. He would probably be better off on foot. However, he soon noticed that the ship was moving, for hither-to-unknown reason, by itself. He noticed a scuttling sea of stone-like crabs, carrying the Black Pearl away like the black-sailed ship was on water.

Jack paused, wondering if he had really seen that…then took immediate pursuit of his vessel. He had to team up with the Keywielder, double-cross untold masses of people, and killed his mutinous first mate, Barbossa, just to get it back.

He had no intent of losing it again.

The crew was washed up onto the shore of some unknown land. Scott burst from the water, gills on his neck and webbed hands and feet. His anatomical features steadily changed back to normal as he noticed April hovering a few meters above them. At the same time, a sea lion with red eyes waded out of the water then shook its head, as though trying to shake something out of its ears.

"G'day, J." Scott said, spitting the salt out of his mouth (2).

The sea lion changed back into the anti-hero, who suddenly shook as much water out of his hair as possible. He looked oddly like a dog that had recently had a bath. His crimson eyes quickly raked the landscape, which was nothing more than white flats.

"This place sucks." J simply said.

"You won't be findin' a worse place than Davy Jones' Locker." Gibbs stated.

"Don't have to tell US twice, mate." Scott muttered, searching for his hat. He found it…half-buried in mud. "AW, STREWTH!"

Tia Dalma made some strange, blowing noise. Immediately, the group saw something on the horizon. It was a mast. Steadily, it showed that it was a ship, being carried off by rock crabs, the silicon-based crustaceans moving like water.

"Okay…freaky." April said as Scott began cleaning his hat.

"Crikey, it'll take days to get this mud out…" Scott muttered as he did his best to clean off his hat.

The ship landed in the water with an almighty SPLASH. It then sailed out of the shallows and into deeper water, but not before someone jumped out.

"Slap me twice and hand me to my mama." Gibbs said out of awe, "It's Jack!"

Jack landed in ankle-deep water and waltzed over to Mr. Gibbs.

"Jack!" Gibbs exclaimed.

"Mr. Gibbs, what is the meaning of this?" Jack asked, irritated for some reason that no one could entirely comprehend, "I hope you have an excuse for the inexcusable behavior on this ship!" He wheeled over to the three superhumans and snapped, "And, as for you three, I have no idea who any of you are, but I'm sure YOU messed up somehow!"

As Jack turned his attention to everyone else, J stared after him. "We met that guy for only a few seconds and I already hate him." J stated.

"Captain?" Gibbs asked, confused by his captain's unusual reasoning, "You're in Davy Jones' Locker, cap'n."

Jack's eyes expanded somewhat and his mouth twitched somewhat. He then smiled then said, "I know that." Jack waltzed over to Tia Dalma and asked, "Tia Dalma, finally out and about, are you?"

"Jack." Tia simply said, smiling to show off her blackened teeth.

Jack then walked over to Barbossa, an unusually cheery look in his eye. "And Hector, its been a while, hasn't it?" Jack asked as if Barbossa were some old friend he hadn't seen in many years…and they probably hadn't.

"Aye, it has." Barbossa replied, smiling, but giving Jack a look that obviously wished the other pirate a slow and horrible death, "Isla de Muerta, remember? You shot me."

Jack looked a bit frightened, but smiled in an innocent manner and said, in his most innocent voice (that was obviously false), "No, I didn't."

"He thinks we're a hallucination." Will said out of the corner of his mouth.

"Dear William!" Jack exclaimed, waltzing over to Will. He immediately asked, "Are you here to save some distressing damsel, or damsel in distress? Either one…"

"No." Will simply answered.

"Ha! You wouldn't be here unless you wanted to save a bonny-wee lass! Otherwise, you wouldn't be here! QED, you're not here!" Jack said, quickly. He immediately began laughing.

"Jack, we're not a hallucination." Elizabeth said, walking forward. A look of complete and utter shock appeared on Jack's face, "We're here."

Jack's immediate response was to wheel over to Gibbs and ask, "Davy Jones' Locker?"

"Aye, cap'n." Gibbs replied.

"We need your help, Jack." Elizabeth said.

"Because that bludger, Beckett, is taking over." Scott added.

"The Brethren Court's been called together." J continued.

"The song's been sung." Barbossa said.

"And the world really needs you, now." April finished.

"Hardly gone for a year and already things're falling apart." Jack said, thoughtfully, "But I've got a ship and none of you do. So, it appears that YOU'RE the ones in need of a rescue!"

"I've got a ship." Barbossa said, pointing to the Pearl, "Right there!"

"Where?" Jack asked, trying to see the vessel that Barbossa was referring to, "Must be a tiny thing behind the Black Pearl."

"I think he's talking ABOUT the Pearl." Scott suggested.

Jack wheeled around and immediately began looking over the newcomers. "As for my crew, Gibbs, you can stay." Jack said before approaching J, "Not you. You scare me." J gave Jack the 'evil eye' under his sunglasses. Jack approached Scott, "You look like a nice guy, but you've got a funny hat. So, I'd have to say no."

"Bloke." Scott muttered.

"You, however…" Jack said to April, but Scott suddenly gave him a look that basically said 'watch it, bub', "I'll have to give a pass to." Jack then walked around the other members of the crew, "Not you two. Not Barbossa or Will. Martin stays. Cotton, the parrot's a little iffy, but at least I have someone to talk to. Tia Dalma…"

"Don't tell me you didn't enjoy it at the time." Tia Dalma stated.

"Fine, you stay." Jack said in a hurried voice that suggested fear. He then came to one of the pirates of Singapore, "You, I've never seen in all me years. Who is he? Who are you?"

"Tai Huang." Replied the man from Singapore, "These are my men."

"Where do your loyalties lie?" Jack asked, somewhat suspiciously.

"With the highest bidder." Tai Huang replied.

Jack's eyes darted around for a second, then he said, "I've got a ship."

"That makes YOU the highest bidder." Tai stated.

"Why should I go with any of YOU?" Jack asked, looking over the group, "In the past four of you tried to KILL me. ONE of you succeeded."

Everyone looked stunned. They thought that Jack had stayed behind to give the others a chance to escape, but…had he ACTUALLY been left to die? April, Scott, and J had no idea whatsoever of what was going on, though…

"Ah, she's not told you, has she?" Jack asked.

"Who didn't tell us what?" Scott asked, "Yer hardly makin' any sense, mate."

"Elizabeth." Jack replied, "She CHAINED me to me own SHIP and prevented me from escaping the horrible death of being devoured by the Kraken!"

All heads turned to Elizabeth, who paused, then hung her head slightly. "Well, you're STILL coming with us." J stated, avoiding the tension.

"And how can you be doing THAT, me dark-clothed friend?" Jack asked.

Mere moments later, J and Scott dragged Jack, who was kicking and screaming for all he was worth, back to the ship. A thought still crossed the Aussie's mind. "Why're we doing this, mate?" Scott asked.

"Because, without this moron, the Brethren Court can't come together, seeing as he didn't give his Piece of Eight to a successor." J replied, "Now, the only OTHER alternative for you, Sparrow, is to STAY in this godforsaken place!"

As J and Scott dragged him away, Jack's eyes widened. He seemed to change his mind in an instant. "Point taken." He said, quickly.

Jack Sparrow

The somewhat maddened captain of the Black Pearl. He was marooned for three days…until he hitched a ride on a rum boat. He commandeered the Interceptor, which got blown to splinters by Luxord. He killed Barbossa and regained the Pearl. A few months later, he was in debt to Davy Jones. He traded Will and Sakuzy (the latter's harbored a deep resentment to Jack ever since.) to the sea-bound captain and tried to steal Jones' heart. About a year later, Jack was killed by the Kraken because Elizabeth chained him to the ship. NOW, he's been in Davy Jones' locker for a while and has gone even MADDER (if that's even possible). He first appeared in Pirates of the Caribbean: Curse of the Black Pearl.

(1) Special thanks to the Simpsons for that: The Springfield Files.

(2) That's what happens to ME when I go swimming the ocean. I spend half the time spitting out the salt water.