Chapter 19) Bonds

Nuada POV

He's angry. It's not uncommon. Even he knows that he's always angry. Always scowling. Always… always not his siblings. Weaker than Minerva, less cheerful than Vesta, less 'balanced' than Diana, less adorable than Bethany… all of it reminds him of the whispers that follow him. 'Your dad died, so why aren't you the man of the house?' As if there was something wrong with listening to his sisters, when they were the older ones. Worse, though, is that they do, in fact, make him feel like there is. That there is something wrong with him, so that was why Minerva had to step up. That he was too weak, too lost, too… everything negative… to be relied on.

None of it helps the nightmares. Ostagar… all the dead and dying… all the screams… unable to do anything but run… it's hard to sleep. It's hard to breathe. He desperately wants to run, to go do something. Be part of something, so that he can find his footing again. Kirkwall is a cesspool, dragging them all down. He doesn't want to drown. Not here. Not...

"Carver?" He blinks and there's Diana, smiling sweetly at him as she leans over him. "Hey there, little soldier," she teases, brushing the hair out of his face. He relaxes, because that's how Diana is. They've always been close. "Mind helping me? Figured I'd take Orion out for a bit of hunting." Orion barks happily, already by the door. "So?"

"Yeah, sounds good," he replies, standing. The idea of escaping, even for a moment, is wonderful. "Thanks."

"For what?" Her smile turns innocent, and he knows she knows what he meant. But she pretends otherwise, because she knows his bleeding pride likes it. And she indulges it, because she knows what it's like to feel 'different', even in your own family. "And off we go~!"

I'd expected to be out training, or at least spending time with everyone. I was aware of the isolation, and we needed to fix that. However, Nathaniel had asked me for a favor. He wanted some of his family's things, but legally speaking, he wasn't allowed to have them. A Cousland had to 'gift' it to him and, more importantly, a Cousland had to go through the items and confirm that there were no treacherous writings or whatnot. Even worse, though, was that each item had to actually be catalogued, with a signature on each one, meaning that I couldn't lie and say I did. It was bullshit, but Howe had been declared Oathbreaker. I had declared it. So, I had to deal with all the nonsense. Considering what Nathaniel had to deal with, it was a small price to pay. I did wish I knew why it had to be a Cousland, though. My best guess was because we were the liege family.

"I suppose this sort of thing is good practice for whatever other nonsense I'll be forced to deal with in the coming months," I murmured, going through the last chest. Surprisingly, there had been a lot of things to go through. It seemed the servants managed to save what they could, no doubt anticipating that any survivors might want them, and Varel was kind enough to leave the items be. "That said, I think I've been in here all damn morning!" The fact that I was in a cramped storage room didn't help either. I wanted sunshine. I wanted fresh air. I'd never been the type to enjoy being inside. That was part of why I'd always known I'd never 'fit' the typical noble's path. But now look where I was. Life was funny, sometimes. "Ugh… I just need to endure a little while longer…"

Sighing, I picked up each individual item, writing it down and signing off on it. Most were just little trinkets, things I barely paid any sort of attention to. At least, I didn't pay attention until I found a letter opener and I nearly dropped it when I realized I recognized it. It was… Fergus had given it to Howe two years ago, a birthday present. Confused, I set it down and studied the items scattered around me. I soon found a broach Elspeth got him last year. Carefully folded up in the corner was a drawing Oren had made a few months before all of this. Inside the trunk was a stack of letters from Father, carefully tied together with a neat ribbon, from over the years. Next to the letters was necklace I remembered Mother buying for him. Then there were other things… other gifts we had given him over the years. I didn't…

"Why are these here…?" I shakily picked up the items, looking for some tiny detail that would tell me that these weren't the gifts. I looked for anything that would tell me that I was wrong. But instead, I just became more and more certain. "Why does he have these? Why…?" He betrayed us. He killed us. He hated us. Why would he have…? Not all of the gifts were practical. Not all of the things were useful. Why…?

Shakily, I looked through and found a small book. I picked it up, wondering if it was one that we had given him over the years, but when I opened it up, I saw it was a journal. It was Howe's journal. He wrote in it infrequently, so it covered quite a few years. Almost immediately, I could see the poisonous, vicious jealousy and hatred Howe had for Father. I winced when I read entries about how he forced himself to smile and laugh, and how he longed to 'put Bryce in his proper place, in the ground'. It was painful. All those memories I had of their 'friendship'... it was painful.

Noticing the dates, I flipped to the year where I had first met Howe. But then I read words that made me drop the book entirely. 'I met Nuada and Elspeth. Hadn't seen them since they were babies. I was prepared to hate them. Fergus showed all of his father's nonsensical naivety and arrogance early. But Nuada and Elspeth… I want to hate them like I do Bryce, but there is something strangely charming about them. I suppose.'

Not believing the words, I flipped to another entry. My hands shook as I skimmed through, not able to believe anything. But this was Howe's journal. This was his writing. There would be no reason to lie here, of all places.

'Nuada seems to like history. Listens to me when I talk about it, gives me proper respect. Asks me questions, and smiles at the answers. I took him up to the ramparts and he laughed and laughed, eyes sparkling. He's a good lad. I think I'll buy him some history books.'

Each entry showed that… that...

'Elspeth made my favorite tea for me. It's a difficult blend to get right, and it's admittedly a bit off. But that she tried is… strange. But kind. Her small smile says that I'm a person to her. Not someone who has to prove himself. Strange. It's sweet, though. She's a kind girl.'

I continued flipping, continued hunting, for anything that showed his hatred towards me, towards Elspeth. It wasn't until I got to entries from the last two years that I found it, though. The words were blurred, but I managed to process them. He hated us because we were the 'perfect Couslands'. He hated us because of the reputation we had, the falsehood we held up for our people. We were the 'best', and he hated us for it. But Elspeth and me… he had loved us once. He had loved us. Those early memories… they hadn't… they hadn't been…

I collapsed, sobbing as I just completely broke down. They'd been real. They'd been real. Our mistake had been to continue pretending to be 'perfect'. Our mistake had been assuming he still felt the same. But those first memories had been real. But that just made everything hurt all the more.

I'd been right. My 'Uncle Rendon' had 'died' long ago, and we all had been the fools who let themselves be blinded. But he had existed. He had existed. I wasn't… I…

After my crying fit, I had to escape. I had to run. I had to get fresh air. So, I did a literal run across the ramparts, to get myself moving. Then, to cool down, I stood on the balcony of the Keep, the one that overlooked the courtyard, and watched Layla and Aiden train with the others. Aiden and Oghren were sparring, while Justice watched with a curious expression. Nathaniel and Sigrun practiced their shooting and throwing skills with the mages, who practiced their own targeting. Layla, Anders, and Velanna had turned it into a complete competition, and Nathaniel and Sigrun were doing their best to make it as difficult as possible. Cleon, surprisingly, wasn't down there. At least, it was a surprise until I felt someone tap my shoulder, and I turned to see he was with me. His slight, concerned smile told me he'd caught sight of me, and was up here to make sure…

"I'm fine," I reassured, signing the words carefully. I sulked at his skeptical look. "I really am. I just… I had to go through some of Howe's things."

'They still have some of that bastard's things?' Cleon asked, scowling. He pulled me into a hug, and I leaned briefly into him. He didn't continue until I pulled away. 'Fen'harel's teeth, we could've done it with you, you know.'

"I honestly wasn't expecting to be shaken so much." I had been just fine until I learned he still kept the gifts. "I'll talk more about it later. Promise."

'Then I will wait.' Cleon smiled reassuringly, and looked down at everyone in the courtyard. 'It is a slow process, getting to know everyone. But we are taking those steps.'

"We've got a lot to learn still." I studied him, noticing his signs were lighter than they had been in quite a long while. "You're looking lighter."

'I finally got my thoughts straight on Morrigan.' Cleon made a face. 'It was with Loghain's help though. I hate being grateful.'

"Ha!" I couldn't help but laugh, but my heart ached anyway. I still didn't quite know how to feel about him. At the same time, I didn't want to deal with that right now. There was too much already. "You going to go after her?"

'Certainly not right now. Too much going on.' Cleon poked my cheek. 'And there will be a lot going on in the future as well. Especially for you.'

"Don't I know it?" I almost listed it off, but then remembered I wouldn't be able to sign if I did. It annoyed me that I'd forgotten that. "Warden-Constable, Teyrn of Gwaren, King's Champion…"

'Arl of Amaranthine? Or is that not how things work?'

"What are you…? Oh." I blushed at the thought. "Uh… I… well…" I glanced down at Layla, and all too easily could see her in a wedding dress. Cleon hid a smile, guessing what I was thinking. "Technically, yes, but since I'd have my own lands, and would be it only by marriage, I wouldn't be very involved. It would just be yet another title."

'Interesting.' Cleon frowned thoughtfully, before grinning again. 'Still, that would be fun!'

"We haven't even talked about it yet!" I knew I was still horribly red, and the scar on my face almost hurt from it. Cleon continued grinning, as smug as Morrigan. "But I suppose we will, when things are calmer." My hands shook a little, effectively giving my signs a bit of a stammer. His grin grew. "After all, we're Wardens. We don't necessarily have to get-" I flinched when Cleon poked my head. "Hey!"

'Nope, you two are marrying.' Cleon had an almost comically serious expression on his face. It was 'almost' because I was sure he really was serious. 'I want a party.'

"I'm a noble. If you want a party, I can bullshit an excuse easily." I rolled my eyes, but laughter drew my attention downward. At some point, the separate training sessions had apparently turned into a free-for-all. Justice stayed out of it, looking super confused, but everyone else was running about having fun in a slightly-deadlier-version of tag. Layla's laugh was the loudest, and I smiled when I saw how bright she looked. "You know; I still can't believe she fell in love with me. I'm worried I won't be able to make her happy." I remembered what she had said when we confessed to each other. She would 'seize her own happiness'. But…

'Silly.' Cleon rolled his eyes. 'You give her happiness simply by existing. Just as you do to the rest of us.' He grinned. 'Even if you can be aggravating.'

"Well, it's part of a sibling's job to annoy the rest." I smiled back, glad he didn't let me just wallow in self-pity, and he hid a smile behind his hand. He knew that unspoken 'rule' as well. He had a twin. "Speaking of family, where is your Clan again?"

'My Clan? Sundermount.'

"That's Kirkwall…" I grimaced. It would take a while to come up with a reason to head there, damn it. "Be a while…"

'I am fine. I know they are alive. That is enough, for now.' Cleon smiled warmly. 'I also have my sister, niece, and mamae here.'

"That's true." Still, I had hoped it could be a little sooner. "They doing okay?"

'Lyna is adapting well to court life, it seems.' Cleon frowned a bit. 'I need to find a good gift to send to her and Athela, though. And to Ashalle.'

"The market in Amaranthine is pretty extensive. In some ways, it was more extensive than Denerim's." I smiled, remembering the trips I'd made. "They've got stalls with bunches of children's toys. I bought Oren a bunch there."

'That is good to know. I can only hope they have something safe for a baby, especially with everything so...' Cleon paused, thinking of a word before shrugging. 'Hectic.'

"Hectic is certainly a way to describe it." Though, it was a bit of an understatement. "How old is she again?"

'Athela? Six or seven months.' Cleon's eyes turned dark. 'She has Tamlen's smile. I wish he had gotten to see her. He had looked forward to being a father.'

"Shame that the Blight stole so much." I wanted to ask if he'd told Lyna just how Tamlen had truly died, but I already knew what the answer was. After all, I knew what I would've done with Elspeth. I would've hidden it, even knowing she might see through it. "But it didn't take everything."

'No, it didn't.' Cleon smiled down at everyone, who were apparently winding down from their practice-grame. 'We are still here. We still thrive, with Mythal's blessing and grace.'

"Yeah, we're still here." I leaned against the railing and waved to catch the attention of those below. "Nathaniel, if you're done, I've things for you!"

"Wait, you already did that?" Nathaniel called back up, sounding startled. I wasn't sure why. When people asked for a favor, I tried to do it as soon as possible. "Well, that's good. I've some news for you."

"Well, that sounds like fun." I wondered what it could be. The others looked confused, so he hadn't told them yet. "I'll meet you in the hall, then!"

After dinner, the four of us lounged about in the room Layla and I shared. It hadn't been on purpose, or even accident. The others just went to sleep. Well, Justice could've been awake. I had no idea if he did sleep. But he went wherever he normally did during the night, which we took as a sign to 'not disturb'. So, we relaxed, and studied the bottle of alcohol Oghren recommended we try. It was something he wanted out of his room, to work on not being quite as much of an alcoholic, and he mentioned something about wanting to know what we thought of it. Knowing it was Oghren, though… well, it made us a trifle reluctant.

"Okay, he'd never let us hear the end of it if at least one of us doesn't try it," Aiden noted reluctantly, poking the bottle so that it rattled against the floor, but stayed upright. The liquid inside sloshed about, some green sort of color that I wasn't sure was a 'good' green. "So…"

"I am not drinking it," Layla muttered, half-hiding behind me like the bottle was a snapping animal. She might've hidden fully if she didn't need Cleon to see her hands for her signing. "I do not drink."

"That's… huh, I don't think I have ever seen you drink. That's weird, for some reason." Aiden shrugged. "Cleon? Lord Nuada?"

'Elgar'nan himself couldn't make me drink that,' Cleon signed quickly, expression completely unamused. He was actually sitting a bit apart from us, sitting against the base of the bed. We were all on the floor, with the bottle in the 'middle'. 'No way.'

"Well, I guess…" Aiden began. He sighed and grabbed the bottle. "If I die, tell Zevran I'm sorry." Then he took a swig and coughed, choking a bit and eyes watering. "Oh, Maker…"

"Is it bad?" I asked, taking the bottle from him. I was now morbidly curious. "How bad?"

"Almost as bad…" He coughed again, voice thin and wheezing. "Almost as bad as Avernus's vial."

"Is that so?" I studied it for a moment, shrugged, and actually downed the rest. There was only a swallow or two left anyway. Almost immediately, I could feel the alcohol burn down my throat, and I half-swore it took off all the skin of my tongue, mouth, and throat. It might've even scraped off part of my stomach. "Maker, that's rough…" I set the bottle onto the floor, coughing as the burn continued. "Okay, that's almost as vile as dragon's blood…"

"Ugh… why did we do that?"

"I don't know."

"You did it because you are both idiots," Layla grumbled, glowering at me. She climbed into my lap, however, and rested her head briefly against my chest, listening to my heartbeat. I hugged her, knowing it was because I had reminded her of… well, when I almost died. "Well, are you two done being insane?"

'I think that isn't curable,' Cleon signed, giving us the most droll expression. He then snatched the bottle and tossed it to the side. 'But they did prove their leadership, I suppose.'

"I suppose. Oghren shall be quite pleased."

'Indeed.' Cleon shrugged and crawled over to join the… triangle, now. Layla shifted to continue sitting in my lap. 'Anyway, I was curious about Amaranthine's market. Do we have any good excuses to head that way?'

"Well, I probably need to check in on things there. I am their ruler." Layla hummed a bit, leaning back against me. I wrapped my arms around her, thinking of what Nathaniel had told me. "Is there anything else?"

"Well, Justice actually made a request earlier," Aiden murmured, frowning a bit. He twisted a bit in his seat to pop his back before continuing. "He had an… interesting encounter with someone. Namely Kristoff's wife. Widow, rather."

"Oh no!" Layla gasped, covering her mouth. Cleon and I both winced. That was… "Oh, we must talk to her! I… that…"

"My reaction exactly, Mistress Layla." Aiden smiled warmly. "She's apparently staying in Amaranthine, so we can take care of that. I should probably head there to talk to her personally." He glanced at Cleon. "I can see how the market is for you. I know we had bunches of merchant trouble."

'That would be appreciated,' Cleon signed, smiling softly. He winked at me before focusing on Aiden again. 'Focus on toys for children?'

"Of course," Aiden replied, laughing. It sounded tired, so I wondered how well he'd been sleeping. "I probably need to look for gifts for my own family. Might be good just to see how it's doing anyway."

'Yes, that sounds good. Is there anything else?'

"Nathaniel has reason to head to Amaranthine as well, actually," I explained. Layla signed for me so that I didn't have to let go of her. "His sister is apparently there, married."

"Wait, really?!" Layla gasped, twisting to look at me. She smiled brightly and giggled. "Ah, so that is what had him in such a good mood! I wonder why he waited to tell, though."

"He wanted to tell me personally. I do know Delilah, though we didn't always get along." I was glad to hear she was alive and well. "So, there's another reason right there."

"Hopefully it is a much happier one as well."

"So, Mistress Layla can head to Amaranthine to check on things, and I can talk to Aura. Justice and Nathaniel can come with us…" Aiden murmured, frowning a bit as he thought. Cleon nodded, agreeing to that. "Anyone else?"

"Anders can come as well, and he and I can do a medical check on everything again," Layla replied, giggling. The happy news for Nathaniel certainly cheered her up. "We can leave in the morning."

"And, meanwhile, Lord Nuada and Cleon can keep things running here for us." Aiden grinned at us, and Cleon and I nodded. We also needed to check the scouting reports. The lack of information and activity was troubling. However, the repairs to the Keep were actually completed now, so that was a good sign. "In that case, though, I imagine I'm going to go to bed. I am exhausted."

"Have you been sleeping well?"

"I've just been overworking, I think." Aiden smiled sheepishly and Cleon mimed hitting him in the head. "I know; I know. I lose track of time. I'm going straight to bed."

'I think I will do the same,' Cleon signed, standing. He pulled Aiden up as well, and smiled at Layla and me when we hopped up too. 'Pleasant dreams, everyone. May the Dread Wolf not prank us tonight.'

"Good night," I replied, seeing them out. I shut the door behind them and sighed, rolling my shoulders. "Well then…" I turned and smiled at Layla. "We should get some sleep ourselves."

"Must we?" she asked, sounding perfectly innocent. She skipped over to me, smiled shyly, and linked her hands behind my neck. She had to get on her tiptoes to do so, so I rested my hands on her sides to support her. "I will not see you for a few days, you know. I need a surplus to make it through."

"You…" I laughed softly and kissed her fiercely. "I love you."

"I love you as well." She smiled against my lips, giggling. "Is that not a wonderful coincidence?"

"I agree." If there was one thing I'd thank the Maker for, it would be that. "It very much is."

Author's note: Bit of a short thing, some heart to hearts. Nothing much, but felt needed nonetheless. The opening scene is from Carver's POV.

Next Chapter - Interlude, Anders