Chapter 25- 'part of being human'

A/N: Hey everyone. I'm sorry it's taken a while to update as I have realised (from your reviews- thank you to those you reviewed!) that many of you are eager to read the next chapter. I am happy to say it is now complete and very long. I hope that you enjoy this chapter more than the last. Happy reading and don't forget to review!

Chapter 25- 'A part of being human'

Time seemed to stand still.

Harry had no idea how long he knelt on the grass simply staring into space, thinking- wishing, that everything were different, that he could go back in time.

Ron was still staring at Severus' body, but the shock of what had happened was wearing off and Ron began to move his eyes around; he began to wonder how this all happened in the first place; Snape seemed fine when they first arrived…

Ron turned to look at Harry who was still staring into space and Ron felt for him, he knew how much Severus meant to Harry and although he never fully accepted Snape as his friend, Ron would never have wished death upon him.

Looking back at the blank face of Severus, the pale skin, the long nose and the black eyes that were- moving?

Ron gasped and stood up. This attracted Harry's attention and although he couldn't bring himself to speak, he looked up at Ron as if to say: What are you doing?

But Ron took no notice as he continued to look into Severus' eyes.

Again he saw movement, but not only movement- emotion.

Knowing there was only one curse that could cause such symptoms Ron extracted his wand, pointed it directly at Snape and mumbled the counter curse.

Surprised by Ron's sudden desire to use magic against Snape, Harry too, leapt up but instead of turning to Severus, turned to Ron and asked:

"What the hell are you doing, Ron?" Harry was slightly angry that Ron had interrupted his train of thought and it was only when Ron's expression changed from curiosity to worry that Harry turned around and almost passed out from what he saw.

Although ill, injured and tired, Severus Snape was standing before him, clearly alive. Harry's jaw dropped; he had no idea what just happened or what Ron had done- he just stared. Still holding his still intact wand in his hand, Severus walked between Harry and Ron, limping slightly and whispered:

"Thank you, Mr. Weasley," as he continued to make his way ever so slowly towards the castle, his left hand held tightly to his chest.

"Severus, I- wait Severus, are you okay?" Harry asked, about to sprint after his friend. Just as Harry was about to take his first step however, Ron stuck out his arm.

"What are you doing?" Harry asked aggressively, staring at Ron.

"Let him go," Ron said gently.

"No! He needs help, Ron!" Harry yelled, struggling to catch up with Severus.

"Harry, calm down. We don't know what happened between him and Greyback. He just had a huge duel; he would have been fighting for at least 30 minutes straight. He needs to rest-"

"But he has to know how sorry I am for not-"

"There will be an opportunity for you to tell him that," Ron tried to reason with Harry.

"No, what if something else happens? I have to tell him, I have to talk to him and ask him what happened this morning- and ask him how he is after talking to my mother-"

"Harry, listen to me," Ron said, grabbing the man's shoulders and turning him around to face him.

"Snape would have heard everything you said once we assumed he was dead. He would have known that you wanted to speak to him about your mother, would have known that you felt guilty for his apparent death. He knows okay?" Ron continued gently, hoping that Harry would finally listen to him.

Slowly, Harry stopped trying to break free of Ron's grip as he watched Snape make his way through the front doors to the castle.

After coming back to his senses, Harry turned to his left to see the ten Aurors waiting patiently, some looking as shocked as Harry felt. Walking towards them, Harry said:

"I apologise for bringing you all here tonight. Once I have spoken with Severus, I will be able to tell you what just happened…" Harry trailed off; he still hadn't fully processed what he had just witnessed and desperately wanted to talk to Ron for a few moments before following Severus.

"Thank you for being so patient. It's a shame we couldn't capture Greyback, we can only hope that the next time he decides to enter Hogwarts grounds, we will be ready. You may leave. Please tell Kingsley I will be late into work today. Thank you," Harry said in his authoritative, however sincere tone. Watching his colleagues walk towards the outskirts of the grounds talking amongst themselves, Harry could feel himself become overwhelmed with emotion again; he needed to talk about this. Turning to face Ron, he spoke in quite the opposite tone to the one he was just using.

"How did you know?" Harry asked. Ron didn't need an explanation as to what Harry was referring to.

"I looked at his eyes, they were moving," Ron answered as if he were reliving the moment.

"But- why didn't I notice? I should have realised he was still alive. How could I have been so careless?" Harry wondered out loud.

"It wasn't your fault Harry. We all saw Snape lying on the ground and made the assumption that he was dead without giving it another thought. But it's interesting that Greyback didn't kill him; he was standing right next to Snape, he could have easily finished him off," Ron pointed out.

"But why would Greyback use Petrificus Totalus against Severus? Surely there are many other, more serious curses he could have used? But what even happened? When we arrived, Severus seemed fine and then…"
"Yeah, well I guess that is something you'll have to ask him Harry," Ron said, truly curious about what happened between Snape and Greyback.

Harry nodded. "I must speak to him," Harry said suddenly and began walking towards the castle.

"Harry, wait!" Ron said hurrying after him.
"What now?"
"Can we just talk about this for a second? We haven't even discussed Greyback yet-"

"Who cares about Greyback? Severus is alive, he is alive Ron and I am not waiting another moment, I have to speak with him."
"Harry, stop!" Ron yelled, grabbing Harry by the arm. Harry tried to free his limb, but Ron held on tightly.

"Greyback, a notorious werewolf and murderer managed to enter Hogwarts grounds tonight, where our children go to school and you don't care?" Ron said aggressively, looking intently at Harry. "Get a hold of yourself for a second, mate. Snape is fine, you can go into the castle in a moment and check up on him, but we need to discuss Greyback. I need to go to work and give Kingsley and the other Aurors an update and I think the least we can do is think about this for two seconds before you run after Snape. I know he means a lot to you, but there is more to tonight that Snape's apparent death so snap out of it!" Ron said rather quickly, wanting to bring Harry back down to Earth. He was shocked that his friend seemed to be taking no interest in Greyback and realised just how much Harry cared for Severus and how much the night's events had stirred him.

"Sorry," Harry said, surprised by Ron's sudden outburst.

"Now, how do you think Greyback got in?" Ron asked, relieved Harry was paying attention.

"I'm not sure, but perhaps Severus will know?"
"I am sure he will, but what should I tell the ministry and the Aurors? I told them to run after Greyback, but for whatever reason he managed to escape from them. It's a little disturbing actually," Ron said in an off-hand way, "have you noticed how often he manages to escape from us? It is really strange that he evaded ten Aurors."
"Well perhaps that is something you could ask them later today, because I completely forgot to question them whilst they were here."

"Are you going to tell, assuming that Snape hasn't done so already, McGonagall about what happened? Do you think the staff and students know how close Greyback was to reaching them?"
"I doubt it, it was early in the morning when we arrived and although some people may have been awake doing some last minute study, most of them probably wouldn't have taken the time to look beyond Hagrid's Hut."
"I completely forgot the kids have exams today," Ron said, astonished. "Well, I hope Snape will be well enough soon, perhaps your talk with him will have to wait Harry," Ron said, already knowing that even if Snape was extremely busy, Harry wouldn't take no for an answer.

Sure enough, Harry replied accordingly: "He may be busy, but I am sure he is with Madam Pomfrey at the moment so if he is in the Hospital Wing for a majority of the day that will give me more than enough time."
Although Harry seemed optimistic about the whole situation, Ron had his doubts. He could tell, from the way that Severus was looking up at him before he relieved him of the curse, that whatever Severus was feeling, it was deep and Ron doubted very much whether Snape would ever be willing to reveal that side of himself to Harry.

Soon after, Ron departed for the Ministry and Harry made his way through the front oak doors. There were several students heading into the Great Hall for breakfast. Upon seeing Harry, most broke into little conversations with their friends, but Harry couldn't care less and made his way towards the Hospital Wing, taking the stairs two at a time.

Finally reaching the landing, Harry sprinted to the other end of the corridor and saw the door to the wing was shut. Harry knocked on the door gently with his knuckles and could hear footsteps beyond. Within seconds, Madam Pomfrey was peering through a crack in the door at Harry who said:

"Madam Pomfrey, I need to speak to Severus, it's urgent," Harry said hurriedly, trying to look past Poppy to see where Severus was.

"I'm sorry Harry, but I can't allow you to enter," Poppy replied solemnly.

"No, seriously I must speak with him. Severus? Severus!" Harry called through the crack in door. "Please let me in!" Harry begged the matron.

"I'm sorry, Harry, but perhaps if you came back in a few minutes," the matron suggested kindly.

"Is he okay?" Harry said, lowering his voice, realising that even if he didn't get to speak to Severus right this moment, what truly mattered was that Severus was okay.
"He will make a full recovery," Poppy replied, though there was some essence of worry in her voice and Harry was about to ask what was bothering her and if there was something she wasn't telling him when something distracted Poppy. She turned around, Harry strained his ears to hear what was happening beyond the door, but couldn't hear a word.

"I'm sorry, Harry, I need to go, come back in half an hour okay?" She said, closing the door gently on Harry who was still so keen to speak to Severus.

What was he going to do now? He knew there would be no point in him going to work until he spoke to Severus, so decided that he should tell McGongall what had happened, or at least, everything he knew about the situation.

Harry turned and walked towards the Headmistress' office.

Once he arrived at the griffin knocker, Harry knocked twice and waited for a reply, but there wasn't one. Thinking that perhaps Minerva was organizing the students for their exams, Harry decided he would let himself in and wait for her return.

Placing his hand on the polished, golden knob, Harry opened the door.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"Good morning, Harry," Dumbledore said brightly from his portrait. "Is Minerva expecting you?"

"Um, no. Is she not here?" Harry asked, just to double check she truly was elsewhere.

"Not she isn't I'm afraid. She is ensuring that all of the exams are smoothly underway. But she mentioned as she was leaving that one of the staff was unable to do his or her duties," Dumbledore said a little concerned.

"She must have been referring to Severus," Harry said quietly.

Dumbledore paused for a moment before answering. "Severus? What happened?"
Harry took a seat in front of Minerva's desk so that he was facing Dumbledore and told the old man what happened. Dumbledore never once interrupted him, but it was clear to Harry that he was severely worried, not so much for Severus but the fact that Greyback got so close to the school without anyone being able to detect him.

Once Harry had finished, describing how Ron had eventually worked out that Snape was still alive, Dumbledore looked shocked.

"Didn't you check for a pulse when you found him?" Dumbledore asked.

"Well, no, I just assumed the worst. I thought that Greyback would be aiming to kill Severus, especially considering the conversations they've had."
"What did Severus say once he was revived?" Dumbledore questioned, extremely curious.

"Not much… he said thanks to Ron and then walked up to the castle. I tried to call after him but he didn't turn back. Professor-" Harry said suddenly, not being able to contain himself any longer. "Why was I so stupid? I am an Auror, I should have been more attentive to the possibility that he was still alive. What if I had left him there? What if Ron wasn't with me?"

"Ahh, what emotions do to the very best of us," Dumbledore sighed gently, looking intently at Harry. "Emotion, as Lord Voldemort and even Severus have always said, is a weakness to possess. It distracts us from what really matters and it seems that you have proven their concerns this morning," Dumbledore said kindly.

Harry knew that it was the fact that he cared for Severus and the absolute trauma that resided in him that caused him to not even consider the possibility that he was still alive. But when emotions get the better of you, Harry realised, nothing except your own loss seems to matter; your regrets consume you and for those like Severus and Voldemort, such silly mistakes have never caused them the fight.

"I- I was right there, Dumbledore. I could have stopped it from happening. If I just didn't waste time! It was so stupid of me!"
"There is no use in blaming yourself Harry. It has happened, and whatever Severus was feeling at the time, emotionally and physically, is something we will probably never know."
Harry stared at Dumbledore in disbelief.

"Are you crazy? I tried to see Severus only moments ago and Poppy told me to come back later. So here I am bidding time until I can go and see Severus and ask him what happened. You should have seen him Dumbledore, I just- I just can't believe what happened. I was so sure he was dead…"

Dumbledore seemed to be deep in thought.

"I do not think it was Poppy who did not want you to enter. I think it was Severus," Dumbledore said slowly.

"Well, I suppose he may not be in the mood to talk right now, after everything that-"
"I am simply speculating, but I do not think Severus would ever let you in to visit him," Dumbledore interrupted gently.

"What do you mean? Of course he's going to want to talk about it! We have to know what happened with Greyback! How did he even get in?" Harry said almost in a panicked tone.

"That, I am not sure of Harry as there are several possibilities, though I have no doubt that Severus will have some idea. There is much we don't know about the situation but-"

"You still think Severus is not going to want to see me," Harry completed for him.

"Correct," Dumbledore said calmly, without any further explanation.

Harry didn't fully know what was coming over him, but suddenly he felt angry or perhaps it was worry that was threatening to take over. He looked intently at Dumbledore before asking:

"And what exactly makes you think that Severus would not want to talk to me?" Harry asked rather defensively.

Dumbledore paused, interlocking his fingers together and placing them in his lap as if preparing for a long conversation to ensue:

"Because you are you and he is Severus," Dumbledore said simply.

"And exactly what does that mean?" Harry asked, completely at a loss as to what Dumbledore was implying.

Dumbledore took a deep breath and continued: "I know this may not make sense to you now, but seeing as I have known Severus longer than you have, I wish to remind you that although he and yourself are currently on friendly terms, that does not mean he will be honest with you, nor does that imply he will be willing to talk to you," Dumbledore reasoned quietly to a now furious Harry, though he tried very hard to keep his temper.

"Correct me if I am wrong, Dumbledore, but didn't you tell me only a week ago to look out for Severus and help him in anyway I can, something of which you were never able to do when you were alive?" Harry asked in a raised voice

"I will not deny it; I said that very thing to you not long ago and I meant every word of

it-"

"So why are you now suggesting that I not even try to talk to him?!" Harry yelled.

"Harry, I am not suggesting any such thing, I am merely trying to point out that although you may be willing to help Severus and listen to everything he has to say, he may not be willing to open up to you-"

"And correct me if I'm wrong, Professor, but wasn't it your fault that he became that way?" Harry said aggressively, staring into the bright blue eyes which now seemed concerned.

"Harry…" Dumbledore began, as if trying to find the words to say what he was feeling. "I am deeply sorry for what I did, for encouraging Severus to ignore his feelings and focus on the task at hand. I did not wish it for him and yet I cannot deny that even if I knew the consequences of my actions, I still would have done the very same thing. But Severus was never one to talk, even before his Death Eater days. And although my wishing for him to learn Occlumency wouldn't have helped matters, he never once seemed inclined to talk to me about his feelings, even after he became a sufficient Occlumens," Dumbledore said seriously, realising that Harry was becoming extremely agitated.

Harry was nearing boiling point.

"No offense Dumbledore, but even if Severus wanted to talk to you there is no way he would have, so I am not surprised. Even me, who so often wishes to talk about my emotions wouldn't have bothered you with such things-"

"And may I ask why?" Dumbledore interjected, extremely interested to see what other accusations Harry was about to lay before him.

Harry felt like shouting at the man, but decided to think about what he wished to say instead of simply yelling without any thought behind his words.

"Dumbledore, I have a great respect for you- I do. I named my son after you and it makes me so proud to honour you as a member of my family, so to speak. When I was a student I considered you a brilliant, amazing wizard, but," Harry paused for emphasis, "you had a plan and you did whatever you had to for that plan to succeed. I know and you will never hear me deny it that what you did and the plan you had was brilliant, it worked and if it weren't for you Voldemort may still be with us. But your skills, excellent mind and extensive use of magic came at a heavy price and that is empathy. I understand that everyone has their faults and this happens to be yours. You did care about me and you did care about Severus, but you cared about your plan more and that's okay, that is what had to be done and you completed your plan to perfection, Dumbledore. But Severus-"

"Was someone I wanted to help, if he had any concerns or wanted to talk-"

"Don't lie to me, Dumbledore! You know as well as I that had Severus come to you one day and wished to talk to you about Lily you would not have spent hours at a time listening to him and helping him. Your concern would be for him to move on or at least suppress as many thoughts as possible so that he could continue being your spy! But me? I don't care if he kicks me out of the hospital wing or if he yells at me or swears at me or even curses me! The fact is that I care about him! I would spend days if that's what it took, for Severus to tell me everything he was feeling and thinking. And even if he won't say two words about what happened tonight I will not rest until he knows that I would listen to everything he had to say if given the chance. It is the least he deserves. If he doesn't wish to talk to me, fine! At least he'd know that I am around if he ever wants to talk which is more than you ever did!" Harry yelled.

"I was around," Dumbledore said quietly.

"Of course you were around, but you didn't care, Dumbledore! As far as I know, you never asked him if he was okay, if he needed any help. You only concerned yourself with his problems if they affected the way he was working!"

"Severus always worked perfectly, there was never any sign that he-"

"Of course there wasn't! Even if he had problems, he would just push them aside because he knew he had no one to talk to. The only person that could have potentially leant an ear was you but he knew where your priorities lay so he didn't bother-"

"Are you certain about this, Harry?" Dumbledore interjected; he too was becoming angry.

"No, but I-"

"Do not make assumptions about things you do not know," Dumbledore said sternly.

"These aren't assumptions, they're obvious, Dumbledore! Look, I don't mean to offend you in anyway, I am simply saying that just because he didn't talk to you doesn't mean he won't talk to me," Harry finished more calmly, realising that perhaps he went a little too far.

"Harry, you must remember who you are," Dumbledore said more calmly too.

"How can I forget?" Harry replied aggressively.

"You are Lily and James' son," Dumbledore said quietly.

"I am well aware of who my parents are, Dumbledore," Harry said through gritted teeth.

"Whatever Severus is feeling, if it is anything to do with your parents, you know he will not discuss it with you," Dumbledore reasoned, still staring avidly at Harry.

"How do you know?"
"Because I know Severus, Harry. He does not wish to talk about his feelings, least of all to you, I am sure."
"So why on earth did you tell me to look after him a week ago when you believe that he won't talk to me anyway?" Harry said, his temper rising once more.

"Because I do want you to look after him, but from afar-"

"Are you crazy! You want me to do what you did to me? Watch him like a hawk, follow his every move but never talk to him? Never ask how he is or allow him to express his feelings if he wishes? After everything he has been through I am not about to be another person who watches him from afar. I want to be his friend, Dumbledore, not his guardian!"
"And I respect that Harry, but he will not talk to you-"

"If not me, then someone else! I will go half way around the world to find someone he will talk to, anyone at all; I just want him to be happy. Is that such a terrible thing?" Harry yelled at Dumbledore.

"No, of course it isn't Harry, it is a truly amazing thing that you wish to do for Severus, and especially considering the past you two have had. But just don't be surprised if he refuses to see you," Dumbledore said calmly as if that settled the matter.

"So what do you propose I do, then? Leave him? Never speak to him? Give up?!" Harry shouted.

"I believe Severus is incapable of describing his emotions so, it will be almost pointless to ask him how he feels," Dumbledore said simply.

"You have GOT to be kidding me!" Harry screamed, slamming his fist down on the table and making Dumbledore as well as several other portraits jump in fright. "I don't care if he can't tell me how he is feeling. You don't get it, Dumbledore! It's not about me being curious about his feelings; I just want to help him in any way, shape or form. If he wants to speak to Lucius about it, I will get him, if he wants to speak to Minerva, I'll fetch her within seconds, I don't care if I don't get to hear what he has to say as long as he speaks to someone about how he is feeling because I think he really needs to talk after so many years of keeping to himself."
"Severus doesn't need to talk about how he feels, Harry-"

"Just because you were a detached, unfeeling person who doesn't consider the wellbeing of anyone unless they have a direct influence on your plans doesn't mean that everyone else is the same as you, Dumbledore! I can't say for sure if Severus wants to talk about how he feels, but neither can you! The only person who knows is Severus and unlike you I am going to make the effort to ask! And even if he won't confide in me at least I tried!" Harry yelled, angry tears in his eyes.

"Calm down, Harry," Dumbledore tried to persuade him.

"No! I will not calm down! You say you know him-"

"Are you suggesting that you know him better than I?" Dumbledore said, peering over his half moon spectacles, both interested and surprised by Harry's implication.

"I may not have known him as long as you, but-"

"Well then, how could you know him better?" Dumbledore pressed on, smiling a little. Harry could tell their conversation was amusing the man greatly and this only increased his anger still more.

"You weren't around when I saw the memories Severus gave me all those years ago just before Voldemort was defeated. Whilst in the Pensieve I saw the way he acted towards my mother and clearly there was something there, feelings that we BOTH know he had. But unlike you, I could tell that he enjoyed talking, he would've told Lily anything. The way she spoke to him, praised him and always asked him questions about the wizarding world created such happiness in Severus that I have never seen before- that's right Dumbledore, he was happy TALKING to someone!"
"Lily was an exception," Dumbledore said quietly.

"But is it so hard for you to believe that I could be yet another exception?" Harry shot back.

"Of course it is possible, Harry, but-"

"Severus is Severus and I'm Harry Potter," Harry finished in a mocking tone.
"Correct, and trust me I would be delighted if Severus chooses to reveal his feelings and thoughts to you, but do not be surprised if he refuses you because although you are undoubtedly Lily's son, Severus cared for her and trusted her implicitly and there was never anyone else he confided in except her."
"You may be right, but I think of a greater interest to both of us at the moment should be why you feel so strongly that he will not confide in me. Perhaps you feel that if he did, then that would make you feel even more guilt for never questioning him about his feelings whilst he was alive. Although you used him in your plan like you used me, just because I yelled and argued with you doesn't make me any more human than him! You don't want him to talk to me because that means he may have talked to you if you had simply given him the chance. This isn't about what you know or who Severus is, this is about you and your guilt- about who Severus could have been had you taken the time!"

"Harry, I-"

"It is you who is detached- you won't talk about your feelings and that's okay, you are perfectly entitled to remain silent but don't you dare portray such traits upon Severus of whom you may have been around for many years but never truly known," Harry yelled, breathing quickly; he felt like a child again, as if he just got back from the Department of Mysteries in his fifth year, except now he was arguing with Dumbledore about something entirely different.

"Harry, you are right, absolutely right. I wish you every luck when you return to the hospital wing and visit Severus. I sincerely hope that he speaks to you and that you not only find out more about Greyback but Severus, a man you so clearly care about and someone I neglected. I have always been a very private person and only told people the things they needed to hear. As you saw during what should have been your seventh year, you know of my past and what I went through and clearly my past has haunted me too, the memory I was forced to relive in the cave is an example. You, me and Severus, we are all human, but express it in different ways: one is healthy the other is debatably worse. I chose the detrimental route as has Severus, but he unlike myself has the opportunity to change that and I hope you will be able to encourage him to release the built up emotion he clearly has inside. I wish you luck, Harry," Dumbledore finished kindly and with such sincerity that Harry didn't know what to say in reply.

Finally Harry found his words: "After you died, I regretted never asking you anything about yourself. You knew so many things, like how to speak four different languages, including English, how you seemed to just know what would happen and who would be involved. You clearly had extraordinary wisdom and magical powers and I have no doubt that if you made the choice you could have easily defeated Voldemort in battle, even without the possession of the Elder Wand. You had magic beyond anything anyone else could imagine and although Voldemort had extensive Dark knowledge, so must you have, otherwise he wouldn't fear you so much. This is what I knew about you Dumbledore, this is what I admired and yet, as I sat at your funeral I remember wishing that I could ask you about your family, about who you were as a person, but regrettably I never had that chance. I am so sorry about what happened in your past, about Ariana and Grindelwald, but you put it past you and remained so noble, the complete opposite of who you were when you were friends with Grindelwald and I respect you so much for that. And perhaps you and Severus in that way, are not that different after all, you were both traumatized by what happened to your loved ones and I am sorry that you had no one to talk to about it. But you do know, I hope, that many people would have taken the time: Minerva, myself, and Severus as well as many others; we all would have listened, but you never wished for us to know, perhaps because you were ashamed of what you may or may not have done all those years ago. I know how painful emotions can be, the things you feel when you are mad, upset or mourning is just terrible and it makes it that much better when you are able to discuss your feelings with somebody. I remember when Sirius died, I didn't want to talk to anyone. I felt so isolated and yet I knew that Ron and Hermione especially, wanted to discuss it. But they gave me space and I have every intention of giving Severus space, but I do not want him being trapped within his own body, like I once was, hating the fact that he is human, because that is honestly the worst feeling-"

"I know," Dumbledore said so quietly that if Harry hadn't seen Dumbledore's mouth move he wouldn't have noticed. The demeanor that Dumbledore now took as he continued to look at Harry from his frame was unlike anything had ever seen before and he knew that there was more to 'I know' than simply an attempt at comfort.

"You know?" Harry said, quietly back, wondering if Dumbledore was about to give him details.

Dumbledore nodded. "I fought a terrible battle against my best friend and was part of the duel that killed my lovely, younger sister. There was a time when I wished I wasn't human either. So when I said in your fifth year that I understood how you felt, you now know that I was being honest, though at the time, I didn't elaborate," Dumbledore explained as if the matter was some scientific fact.

"What- what kind of relationship did you have with Grindelwald, Dumbledore? I know he was a really powerful wizard like you and that you both sought to rule the world with your power, but were you good friends?" Harry asked, now that they were on the track of Dumbledore's past, they might as well stay there.

But for the first time, Dumbledore showed signs of weakness and Harry wondered, as Dumbledore rested his head in his hands, whether he had gone too far.

"It sounds terrible when you put it like that Harry. We were both very intelligent and we became caught up in our abilities. We had grand ideas- even brilliant ideas, but we never sought to hurt anyone. It was actually Grindelwald's plan, not mine. But I went along with it because he meant a lot to me," Dumbledore said sorrowfully as if he was reminiscing about the times he would spend locked up in a room making schemes and conversing with Grindelwald about his plans.

"When you say 'he meant a lot to you', were you just friends?" Harry asked hesitantly.

"I was his friend, but he was more than a friend to me," Dumbledore said as he lifted his head up and looked at Harry; there was no mistaking his true meaning.

"So, you're gay?" Harry said in disbelief, though it did explain some things.

"Yes, Harry," Dumbledore said still looking at him without any ounce of shame or regret.

"Wow, I had no idea. So you, um loved Grindelwald?" Harry asked quietly, not wanting to offend Dumbledore if he didn't.

"I guess you could say that. I never thought I would meet someone who had similar skills to myself, who was interested in similar things to myself and yet, Grindelwald was that type of person and I was, should we say, swept up in his talent and ideas and wanting to impress him that I completely forgot about the people we were hurting. That is something I truly regret," Dumbledore said seriously.

"And you dueled him in the end? And won?"

"Yes, the wizarding world was in complete disarray. By this time I had let go of Grindelwald, or at least tried to. He never knew of my feelings, but I think he suspected that I cared for him more than he cared for me. Eventually the letters, telegrams and messages were becoming overwhelming, it seemed that the whole wizarding world was united in the same opinion: that I should be the one to defeat Grindelwald. You will recall that Grindelwald had the Elder Wand at the time. Before the duel began, I asked him to stop what he was doing but he wouldn't listen to me, he was too carried away in his power and unfortunately I had to be the one to bring him back to reality. I knew he was guilty, but I still couldn't bring myself to stop him, I still loved him and didn't want to hurt him. I knew that if I could obtain his wand, then he could be stopped and as you know, that is what I did."
"So you didn't kill him?"
"No I couldn't have, even if they asked me. Love makes fools of us all, Harry," Dumbledore said smiling a little.

"And- and your sister?"

"Ariana… we still do not know who it was that killed her, but regardless, it shouldn't have happened in the first place. She was damaged, yes, but she was getting better, especially with Aberforth's efforts. It was a tremendous tragedy. I never forgave myself for that and I don't think Aberforth has either."
"I'm so sorry," Harry said.

Then Dumbledore smiled as if remembering something. "I had the opportunity to talk to Ariana actually, just before you started your sixth year at Hogwarts."

"You did?" Harry asked, delighted that Dumbledore at least had some sort of closure with his sister.

"Yes," Dumbledore replied, still smiling. "She is okay and perfectly happy and much better now- I mean that she is her normal self. Although she still looks like the Ariana I knew, I should say that she was mentally healthy. In other words the terrible things those muggle boys did to her, no longer afflicted her."
"How could you still think so highly of Muggles after what those boys did? If my sister was tortured into insanity by Muggles, I wouldn't be eager to think highly of them."
"Ahh, Harry. As you know very well, one bad or perhaps a few bad wizards does not make all wizards bad and that's the same with Muggles. Admittedly, immediately after it happened, I never would have imagined I would be so accepting of them in the future, but thankfully I moved on rather quickly; there is no point in holding a grudge."

"Did you use the Resurrection Stone the moment you found it at the Gaunt's house?"

"I am delighted you have such a profound memory, Harry," Dumbledore said, impressed that Harry remembered, though Harry found it hard to forget. "Yes, I used it almost immediately; the anticipation was overwhelming; I had simultaneously destroyed a Horcrux and obtained a Deathly Hallow, that I could not resist the temptation. Of course, it would have been preferable if I had removed the terrible curse that Voldemort placed upon the ring, before I sought to use it. That was a failing of commonsense," Dumbledore said smiling and Harry couldn't help but laugh.

Suddenly the door burst open as a very harassed looking Professor McGonagall entered and for a moment she didn't even notice Harry sitting opposite her desk.

"Students talking left, right and centre, couldn't get them to calm down, I now have Hagrid covering for Severus, seeing as his exams do not begin until tomorrow. And I-

Oh, Potter. I didn't see you there. I suppose, seeing as Poppy didn't allow me entry, that you will be able to tell me what happened to Severus this morning?" Minerva demanded as if it was all Harry's fault her morning was hectic.

Harry turned to face Minerva and told her what he knew and once he had finished, Minerva no longer seemed angry but disturbed and worried.

"I had no idea… how could I not have known what happened? The students could have been in grave danger. If it wasn't for Severus… I really need to go back to the hospital wing and apologise for yelling at him through the crack in the door," McGonagall said, a worried look on her face.

"You were mad with him?" Harry asked hesitantly; he knew that was something Severus could have done without.

"Yes, because no one would tell me what was happening! Poppy refused to tell me what happened and I couldn't even see Severus. It is extremely frustrating when your week starts off in this terrible way. But of course, Severus, my goodness, what on earth happened?"

"Couldn't he have been distracted or made a mistake?" Harry asked uncertainly.

"Not the Severus Snape I know," Minerva answered back. "It would be interesting to know what occurred. Whatever happened, I do hope he makes a full recovery and soon." Minerva concluded and then paused, staring at Harry. "I completely forgot to ask why you were in my office in the first place, Potter. Were you just going to tell me about Severus and Greyback?"

"Yes, because like you, Poppy wouldn't let me into the Hospital Wing to see Severus, she said to come back in half an hour which is-" Harry paused to look at his watch.

"An hour and a half ago! I better go and see him before Madame Pomfrey comes up with another excuse to keep me out," Harry said hurriedly making his way to the door.

"Oh I don't think it is her that doesn't want your company, but Severus; he probably told her not to allow anyone in under any circumstance," Minerva pointed out.
"Well, that's all about to change," Harry said with confidence. But then remembering who he was conversing with before Minerva arrived, Harry turned to Dumbledore's portrait, which was smiling and x-raying Harry with his blue eyes.

"I'm really sorry, Professor Dumbledore, for everything you went through. I had no idea…" Harry said with remorse and finally, some understanding.

"It does not matter any longer, Harry," Dumbledore said cheerfully. "We must remember that I am no longer alive and yet there is someone in the hospital wing who greatly needs your help, whether or not he accepts it is irrelevant. I wish you the best of luck, Harry," Dumbledore said sincerely.

"Thank you, Dumbledore. I'll keep in touch," he said looking at Minerva who nodded, though a little confused by Dumbledore and Harry's parting words to each other as Harry left the room and ran to the hospital wing.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXx

Skidding to a halt outside the Hospital Wing, Harry again knocked on the door determined that no matter what Madam Pomfrey may say, he would force his way in there until he had the chance to speak to Severus. Thankfully, Poppy came to the door quickly and again opened the door slightly to see who was there.

"Oh, hello Harry," Poppy said kindly.

"Hi, I'm back a bit later than I thought I would be, but I'm here. Can I come in?" Harry asked, already trying to push past her so he could see Severus.

"I'm afraid not, Harry," Poppy said solemnly.

"Why, is something wrong? Is it dangerous for me to enter?" Harry demanded, wanting to know if it was for medical reasons that he wasn't allowed to enter or because Severus wasn't willing to talk with him.

"No, it's just…" she paused and looked behind her. "Severus asked me to not let anyone in," She whispered apologetically.

Dumbledore and Minerva were right, Harry thought to himself.

"Well tell Severus that I am not leaving Hogwarts until I get the opportunity to see him," Harry said calmly.

"I don't think that will convince him," Poppy said sadly, looking behind her again.

"Please, please let me in. I know he'll be mad at you, but you can say I cursed you or pushed you aside or something. I promise to take all the blame. If he becomes worse because of my presence I promise to leave. I really want to see him," Harry implored looking at Poppy with hope coursing through his body.

Poppy sighed. "I know I shouldn't disobey the wishes of my patients, but I must say that I disagree with Severus on this one." And then lowering her voice still lower, she continued: "He's not himself."

Harry stared at Poppy momentarily before replying.

"What do you mean? What happened when he arrived?" Harry asked, severely concerned.

Poppy moved aside quietly to let Harry in and then shut the door silently. Hidden away from Severus' view, Poppy continued in barely a whisper.

"He walked straight to the hospital wing, thankfully no students were about, called for me, lay on the bed and has hardly said anything to me except that he didn't want any visitors."
"Isn't- isn't that what Severus would normally do?" said Harry uncertainly.

Poppy smiled a little; she had forgotten that Harry had never known Severus before now.

"Severus rarely gets injured during battle. As a matter of fact, I think there has only been once when he has come to me for assistance because of an injury. Dumbledore was with me at the time and although Severus was in no state to help himself, he insisted he do it on his own. I remember giving him the medication, but there were specific instructions to it. I asked if he needed help but he down right refused, saying he could do it himself. As far as I know, he has never asked anyone for help when he has been injured. But tonight, he didn't even suggest he mend his injuries, he simply lay there and didn't even question my methods like he usually does. I know it sounds mundane, but Severus was never like that; he was always in control."

"Is Severus injured?" Harry asked, realising Severus must have been injured whilst dueling that morning, otherwise she wouldn't have mentioned it.

"Yes, didn't you know he was scratched by what I can only assume was a werewolf?"

"What?" Harry yelled, completely forgetting to keep quiet. Realising he had blown his cover, Harry walked out from behind the wall, expecting to see Severus looking in his general direction. Instead, he saw a skinny, pale man lying face up on the white bed, staring transfixed at the ceiling. Harry cautiously approached Severus, he could feel Poppy watching him and realised that etched deeply into Severus' bare chest were several scratch marks. Harry felt slightly ill. How could he not have realised Severus was so badly hurt?

Walking slowly back to Poppy he asked her quietly: "He didn't tell you what happened?"

"No, he simply took off his shirt and lay there without so much as a word of explanation," Poppy said as if she couldn't believe it herself.

"Why is he staring at the ceiling?" Harry asked, gravely concerned.

"I'm not sure, but from what I can gather, he is deep in thought."

"About what?" Harry questioned, extremely interested and very worried.

"I suppose he is thinking about what happened this morning, but again, I have no idea," Poppy asserted. "I think I will leave you to talk with him, I'll be in my office if you need me," Poppy finished quietly as she practically tip toed to her office, not wanting to attract Severus attention.

"What is he doing in here, Poppy?" Severus said suddenly, not taking his eyes away from the ceiling, though he could still see the matron out of the corner of his eye. "I told you not to let anyone in," Severus continued in a commanding voice that was empty of all emotion.

"I know Severus, but Harry insisted upon seeing you and he pushed past me-"

"Don't lie to me," Severus continued in such a cold tone, that even Harry began to wonder whether now was such a good time.

Severus needs your help, even if he isn't showing it.

"I'm sorry Severus, but-"

"Escort him out," Severus commanded, still not taking his eyes of the ceiling.

"Severus?" Harry said cautiously, indicating to Poppy that he would take it from here.
"Please don't be angry with Madam Pomfrey, I begged her to let me see you. I know you don't want to see anyone-"

"Then why are you here?" Severus asked, still looking at the ceiling as if his life depended on it.

"Because I just wanted to find out how you were and to tell you how sorry I am-"

"I heard what you said in the grounds when you thought I was dead. I accept your apology, now leave," Severus said in a monotonous tone which Harry realised was so unlike the man he remembered even whilst he was his professor.

"Severus, are you okay?" Harry asked quietly, making to sit down next to Severus' bed.

As if the motion triggered something in Severus' mind, the man turned his neck sharply and stared at Harry straight in the eyes, causing Harry to leap up off the chair for he was not expecting Severus to look at him after staring at the ceiling for so long.

The two men stared at each other and Harry knew, he just knew that something was wrong with Severus- not physically but emotionally and whatever it was that Severus was feeling, Harry told himself right there and then that he wasn't going to leave until he helped Severus through it.

Harry slowly moved towards the chair again, keeping a close eye on Severus, who had stopped staring at Harry and was now staring upward once again. Harry felt really uncomfortable, though he supposed Severus did too. He knew he wasn't wanted, but at the same time, he really wanted Severus to know he was there for him.

"What happened tonight?" Harry asked quietly, unsure if Severus would even answer.

"Isn't it obvious," Severus hissed in such a tone that Harry was taken aback, having become good friends with Severus he had forgotten what Severus sounded like he was mad; he didn't like it.

"Well, Poppy believes you were attacked by a werewolf, which is why you have these gashes on your chest," Harry said, staring at Snape's torso. "Is she correct?" Harry continued as if nothing happened.

"Yes," Severus answered without so much as an explanation.

"Um, was it Greyback?"

"Obviously," Snape said as he continued to stare into space.

"I know you're tired and have had a huge battle, but please don't treat me like an idiot; I just want to help, there's no need to be rude, Severus," Harry said in what he hoped was a sincere tone, though he doubted Severus would see it that way. "Please tell me what happened," Harry continued gently.

Still staring into nothingness, Snape began in a monotonous tone, speaking quickly as if saying it faster would make the night's experiences have a lesser toll on him.

"Your niece and Mr. Malfoy came to me last night saying that Miss Weasley saw something in the forest. I told her it was nothing to worry about and that I would investigate the following morning with Hagrid. I woke up early this morning, so I thought I would go into the forest. I didn't find anything unusual until I came across a werewolf which chased me out of the forest. Thinking it had ended its pursuit I stopped and turned around. It scratched me, but luckily the moon set at the werewolf transformed into Greyback. I sent my Patronus to you and then dueled until you arrived." Snape stopped abruptly and said no more.

"Why didn't you tell me you were injured?" Harry asked, hurt that Severus went through so much and said so little to him.

"What difference would it have made, Potter? I was on my way to the hospital wing, I saw no point in telling you; it would have just led to more questions-"

"Which you knew I was going to ask anyway," Harry retorted, though he tried not to sound too frustrated.

"What do you want?" Snape snapped at Harry; clearly Severus wanted this conversation to end as soon as possible.

"I want to know many things, Severus. Like, what distracted you tonight? You were fine when we arrived, did you just make a mistake or-"

"I was surprised by your arrival with so many Aurors, it distracted me for only a second, which gave Greyback the chance to attack me," Severus mumbled sourly.

But Harry wasn't sure Severus was being entirely truthful.

"Are you- are you sure that's what distracted you? Only- I just didn't think something like that would startle you so much," Harry said quietly, not wanting to get Severus mad.

"Of course I'm sure," Severus announced to the ceiling.

"Okay, um do you know why Greyback wasn't trying to kill you?"

"No," Severus replied shortly.

"Do you know how Greyback got in?"

"The protections around the castle don't prevent creatures entering the forest, Greyback's werewolf form allowed him to get in."

Harry never thought of this and yet, it was quite obvious. Remembering that Scorpius and Rose had to do with the morning events, he said:

"It was lucky Rose saw Greyback."
Snape remained silent.

"Okay, so tell me the truth, what really distracted you this morning?" Harry pressed on, praying he wasn't going too far.

"Do you think I have a reason to lie to you?" Severus asked turning to face Harry again, the pain and emotion still plain in his eyes.

"Yes," Harry replied simply.

"What makes you so sure?" Severus argued back, staring into Harry's eyes.

"By the way you are looking at me-"

"Don't tell me you can do Legilimency because I-"

"No, I can just tell. When Ron released you from the body bind curse, I could tell by the way you looked at me that something was wrong and I am not leaving until you tell me what really happened this morning."
Severus wasn't expecting this. Never before, at least from his recollection had his eyes, face or any other part of his body portrayed his feelings to an outsider. This left Severus feeling quite vulnerable and he hated the feeling.

"Please talk to me," Harry said quietly, looking into Severus' eyes, wanting him to know how much he cared.

Snape said nothing, but Harry saw his Adam's apple moved slightly and knew the man had gulped. Excited that perhaps he was going to find out something of Severus' emotional state, Harry smiled, hoping to encourage Severus to begin.

"You really want to know the whole, sad, pathetic tale?" Severus said harshly, looking back at Harry.

Harry nodded, keenly interested now; Severus really was going to talk to him.

Turning away from Harry and resuming to his examination of the ceiling, Severus began:

"As you know I was not popular when I was at school. I always wished that one day when Potter or Black dueled me that I would beat them, but the things they used to yell at me always distracted me from what I was meant to be doing. I never won against them because I let what they said affect me. Once I became a Death Eater I vowed to never let people's words influence the way I behave. I forced myself to ignore the pleads from my victims and the provocations from my enemies. I blocked it all out. When I turned against the Dark Lord, Dumbledore was delighted, I suppose, that I already made the decision to ignore what others said to me, it made learning Occlumency that much simpler. But my memories could not be ignored so easily. Dumbledore did persuade me to forget my feelings and push them aside as best I could. And I suppose it was at that moment that I learnt to not pay any attention to how I felt. I remained at Hogwarts as a teacher and taught students without the slightest anger or contempt towards them. Every student thought I was emotionally empty, which I undoubtedly was. But when you came to Hogwarts, I remember Dumbledore asking me if I needed time to adjust to you being there. I was expecting you to attend of course, but the knowledge never prepared me for your appearance. Emotions that I knew existed, but ones I had not even thought about for years entered my mind and suddenly, I found myself losing control, showing my absolute hatred of you whenever you were present. It may have seemed, at the time that I enjoyed it, but in truth, I wished I could have stopped. I wasn't able to keep my emotions in check and that worried me- and Dumbledore; how was I supposed to protect you if I couldn't even act in such a way that would encourage you to trust me? As you know I failed miserably in that regard and until the night the Dark Lord was defeated you thought me as the vengeful, disloyal and cruel man I always portrayed to you. As we know, it worked out anyway and you didn't need me as much as Dumbledore thought you may have, which we were both grateful for. I gave you my memories, the very dark secrets of my past that no one except Dumbledore knew of. Then I believed for nineteen years after that you had rejected what I knew to be honest and true. But as I have been around you and your family, I have found it harder and harder to remain emotionally detached. And that has become a problem," Severus said, pausing for a moment.

Harry could sense where this was going, but had no inclination to interrupt or ask questions, he couldn't believe how much Severus was willing to tell him.

Taking a deep breath, Severus continued, still staring into space.

"I haven't dueled for a long time, except at the Malfoy Manor and Hogwarts which both happened of recent. At the Malfoy's I had no problem ignoring the remarks Greyback had to fire at me, but this morning- I just lost control- just for a second, but that's all it was."

"What did he say to you?" Harry asked quietly.

"Nothing of consequence, something stupid that I should not have listened to," Severus mumbled dismissively.

"Severus, I'm sure you would not have listened to something if it meant nothing to you. He must have offended you in some way or-"

"No, he didn't. I should have been able to ignore him as I have done previously, but I didn't and I think-" But Severus stopped abruptly and Harry was deterred; he was holding onto Severus' every word.

"What do you think?" Harry asked eagerly
"I've changed," Severus said with such an unexpected exasperation that Harry was shocked to hear the change in his voice and although it was barely more than a whisper, Severus sounded both astonished and ashamed.

"Is there something wrong with changing?" Harry asked gently, for he knew that some people simply hated the idea of change.

"I'm different. It is not simply a change of mind or- or being around different people. I think it's gotten to the stage where I can't go back," Severus said in a panicked voice as he moved his eyes around as if following a frantic fly.

"Can't go back to where?"

"To who I used to be; I was so proud of my ability to block out everything from my mind, to be fully focused on battle. That's what made me a good wizard, the only thing I could say I was better at than most others. But now I'm just like everyone else," Severus said still in a panicked tone.

"Like me?" Harry said, slightly amused.

"This is not meant to be offensive, Potter. I worked so hard, sacrificed so much to be a great wizard. Dumbledore was similar; he used his emotions for power not weakness. But this morning, there was no power in me, simply the weakness I always tried to avoid," Severus stated, clearly ashamed of himself.

"Is this what you've been thinking about since you've been in the hospital wing?"
"Among other things, yes," Severus muttered.

"May I ask, what did Greyback say to you?"

"I told you, it is beside the point!" and Harry could see that Severus' jaw was clenched, the bone on the side of his neck was protruding.

"I feel you are hiding it from me, because what he said meant something to you," Harry said kindly. "Because I don't think you have changed, Severus. You still managed to ignore all of the other things Greyback said to you before myself and the other Aurors arrived. There was something about his particular wording that made this different from the others. Please, if it was nothing, tell me what he said," Harry concluded in an almost pleading tone, he was certain whatever Greyback said actually meant something to Severus and he wanted to know what it was. "Did he say something about my mother? Or your past? Or… me?"

"No," Severus answered quietly and Harry was surprised that Severus didn't sound angry that he was prying, rather the man seemed to be recalling what exactly Greyback had said.

Again, Severus took a deep breath and said so quietly that Harry had to bend closer to Severus to hear him.

"He said something along the lines of this: 'Potter isn't coming Severus. You may think that your relationship with him is mutual. He is civil around you, but no matter what he says or how he acts, he will always see you as the man who killed his parents, the man who murdered Dumbledore and the Professor who hated him as a child. He will never see you for who you are and he is not coming tonight. After all, why would he protect someone who has killed so many others? Look around Severus; you are standing on a side without anyone with you… you are alone; you always have been and you always will be.'"

Severus stopped and remained completely still as if he was running through the words again in his mind. His eyes were wide and moving about the ceiling.

Harry on the other hand, couldn't take his eyes from Severus' face. Wiping a tear from his eye, Harry thought about how cruel those words were. It was no wonder Severus was distracted, no one could have ignored those words. By the way Severus was talking, he had not given Harry a brief summary of what Greyback said, but a word for word recitation. Realising how much this must have tormented Snape for him to be able to remember everything that was said, Harry felt the sudden urge to hug Severus; to let him know that everything Greyback said was not even remotely true. Harry dragged himself away from his thoughts to watch Severus who was still evidently thinking about what Greyback had said. The longer Harry watched him, the more he wanted to yell at Severus to stop processing those nonsense words, but for some reason, Harry couldn't bring himself to do it. Never had he seen Severus so emotionally vulnerable. Sure the man had shed a tear or two in his presence from past conversations, but to be lying in the hospital wing feeling so lost, so worthless was something no one would want to experience. The worst part of it was that everything Greyback said, although completely false was still plausible and he hoped that Severus was not now lying on the bed, thinking about whether Greyback's words were in fact true.

"I'm so sorry, Severus," Harry whispered. "I was coming. I just wanted to have a good plan so we could capture Greyback. I'm so sorry we didn't help the moment we arrived. It would have been so easy to prevent this," Harry said, such guilt and remorse filling him up and overwhelming him.

But Severus didn't say anything in response.

"Please say something! I'm so sorry- I wanted to help you, to assist in any way I could, but I thought that perhaps a plan would be important too. Had I known you were injured, I wouldn't have thought twice. I'm so sorry for putting the plan before your wellbeing." Harry paused again, hoping Severus would say something- anything. But he continued to stare at the ceiling.

"How did Dumbledore do this?" Harry whispered desperately more to himself than to Severus. These words attracted Severus' attention, who turned on his side and said monotonously:

"Do what?"

Relieved that Severus was talking to him, Harry lightened up a bit.

"Put his plan before everything else. He must have felt worse than I do now; when Sirius died, I was so angry in his office that night. He must have felt terrible he didn't tell me sooner, that I was even more upset and angry than I would've been had he been honest to start off with. But Dumbledore knew, probably from experience that plans don't work if you care…" Harry finished.

That's why my plan failed…

Severus resumed to thinking- Harry wished he wouldn't.

"What are you thinking about? You don't think Greyback was right do you?" Harry asked, worried.

Severus shrugged.

"Because, I told you remember? I said that ever since I saw your memories I no longer thought of you as the person who killed my parents and Dumbledore, but a great wizard and wonderful person in your own right. I'm here, you're not alone and although you may have been in the past, you aren't anymore and you know that- I know you know that. It's okay that you listened to Greyback, anyone would; what he said was more cruel than anything else I have heard in many years. You have nothing to be worried about or ashamed of. Please don't think about what he said, they're not-"

"Be quiet, Harry," Severus said, though he didn't move his eyes from the ceiling. Harry shut up immediately, hoping that Severus was about to say something.

"Even if Greyback's words are false, the fact is I still listened. I have developed the weakness I vowed I would never encompass-"

"Emotions are not a weakness," Harry said a little defensively.

"Perhaps not to you Potter. It just so happens that your emotions have proven extremely effective against the Dark Lord when he was alive, as well as against other people who you have dueled in the past. But when you have experienced that many defeats with your peers laughing at you and jeering that you have no self control, you don't want to go back there."
"I understand," Harry said slowly. "But you're still that person, the child you were at Hogwarts."

"No I'm not," Severus hissed as if daring Harry to suggest otherwise.

"Yes you are. There is nothing in this world that can make us something we're not. You can suppress your emotions and push aside your feelings like Dumbledore told you and there is no doubt that you have succeeded greatly as both a spy and a wizard. But in the end, you're still that child-"

"Shut up!"

"Severus," Harry said calmly.

"I was weak and pathetic; showing your emotions gets you no where!"

"You know that's not true, Severus."

"Then what of tonight, Potter? What happened tonight? What happened? Was I simply distracted? What kind of wizard who has worked as a spy and fought countless of battles in the past is distracted by WORDS?" Severus yelled, breathing quickly.

"Severus-"

"I knew it meant nothing, I knew that you consider me a friend, and I knew I was not alone anymore, I knew these things and yet I still listened, I still displayed the weakness I vowed to never show, I vowed to never lose a battle because of something so petty and pathetic!" Severus spat aggressively, facing the ceiling as if he couldn't bare to look at Harry.

"Severus, look at me," Harry said gently, putting his hand on Severus' shoulder to encourage him to turn around. Severus shrugged Harry's hand off him.

"There was nothing weak about what you did this morning. You fought a very long duel when you were already severely injured," Harry said as he looked at Severus' still bare chest and the many scratch marks that were burning red, though they seemed to be healing slowly. "You were brave, courageous and it doesn't matter that Greyback got you in the end-"

"To only have you and Weasley turn up, and I being simply useless; lying on the floor hoping that one of you would realise I wasn't actually dead. I should have died, then it would seem like I fought courageously, rather than being hit by a pathetic body bind curse," said Severus so fast that Harry could both hear and feel the fury within him.

"You know your death would have been for nothing, Severus."

"Well at least I could have avoided this embarrassing conversation," Severus hissed.

"Severus," Harry said as if he were about to reprimand him, but then stopped himself. "I know this is different to everything you have experienced in the past, but there's nothing to be embarrassed about-" But Harry stopped when Severus turned over so fast and gave him a look that clearly said 'Prove it.'

Looking Severus directly in the eyes, Harry saw Severus' emotion filled black ones, staring back at him as he said:

"This is a part of being human."

"THEN I DON'T WANT TO BE HUMAN!" Severus yelled with his gaze fixated on Harry and such pain in his eyes, that Harry felt his heart jump; he had never felt more empathy in his life. Although Harry had said those exact words many years ago, he didn't truly mean it. Of course he was upset, mourning for Sirius was one of the most painful experiences of his life. Back then, he just wished for a second that he couldn't feel emotion. But Harry couldn't help wondering if Severus really meant what he said and if he did, Harry couldn't really blame him…

Severus turned away from Harry, to stare at the ceiling again, though this time, Harry knew he wasn't contemplating the morning's events anymore. He was upset, but didn't want Harry to know it. Harry could hear his quick breathing and, knowing that nothing he said or did would help, Harry watched Severus' chest move up and down at a high speed.

Severus remained silent for many minutes, perhaps putting all of his effort into controlling himself. Looking across at Severus' face, Harry saw a tear fall down his cheek. Following the trail left by the tear, Harry noticed that Severus was swallowing every few seconds as if he was trying to stop himself from crying. It seemed Severus noticed that Harry was looking at him because suddenly his breathing increased as if he were having a panic attack. Harry stood up and leaned over the bed to try and get into Severus' range of view.

"Severus, calm down," he said gently, rubbing Severus' shoulder as he said it. "It's okay," Harry whispered. "There was a time in my life when I didn't want to be human either. Sometimes I wish I didn't have emotions too… sometimes you just wish you didn't care. We're all human and no matter how hard we try to deny it, no matter how often we push our emotions aside, one day they will come back," Harry said smiling a little as he realised Severus was looking at him. "There's nothing wrong with being human, Severus. Your feelings have been hidden for so long, repressed and pushed aside as if they mean nothing to you. But you know they mean so much, but you just don't want to talk about them, or acknowledge them. And that's okay, you don't have to talk about them, but take it from someone who knows, you feel so much better once you've let it all out: every ounce of hatred, anger, sadness, regret and sorrow. I know you have a lot to hide, so many emotions you just wish you could forget, but they still exist and they still hurt you…" Harry said soothingly, still rubbing Severus' shoulder. Harry watched as Severus closed his eyes, as if trying to relax. Harry heard Severus' breathing slow down and was relieved that Severus was okay. With his eyes still closed, Severus said:

"When you thought I had died you told Weasley that you wished you had talked to me about Lily. What did you want to ask?"

Harry could hardly believe his ears and was thankful that Severus had his eyes shut because he was smiling so broadly, he just couldn't help it; he was so happy Severus was willing to talk to him about Lily, about something so personal.

"That night, I confess I actually wasn't that far away from you and my mother. I was curious and wanted to know what you said to her- I'm sorry," Harry added quickly, but Severus didn't seem to care. "I heard you say that you would try to do something for her, but from the tone in your voice, it seemed like you didn't think you could. I was just wondering what she asked you to do," Harry said as he watched Severus' closed eyelids for any sign of movement.

Harry saw Severus' eyes move slightly, but the man didn't open his eyes.

"She asked me to forgive myself. To stop focusing on what I did and what I said to her. She asked me to remember her for who she was and the times when I was happy with her and not for how she died and my part in it. She asked me to free myself of regret and pain, because it hurt her too and I told her that I would try, but I had my doubts. I promised myself, however that I would try my best," Severus explained.

"Have you had any success?"

"I've been too busy with the exams and Greyback to have made much of an effort yet," Severus said monotonously as if disappointed with himself.

"Did you- um- did you want me to help? If you think I can help," Harry added, not wanting to make Severus think that Harry thought him useless.

"You cannot help me, Harry," he said simply. "I have to do this by myself."

"Okay, but if you need someone to talk to- if talking about it helps," Harry said hurriedly, "just let me know."

Severus nodded.

"Because we've talked about my mother before and it wasn't too bad was it?" Harry continued, not being able to contain himself.

"No, it was fine," Severus agreed. "But this is different."

"How?" Harry asked, surprised that Severus had thought this over.

"Last time we spoke about Lily, I was merely stating that I loved her. But to reminisce about the past I had with her, to refer to any deeper emotion than that is entirely different."

"What is deeper than love?" Harry asked.

"It's the specificity of it. I have to think this over and acknowledge my feelings. In the end, Lily wants me to be happy, but it's not going to be easy for that to happen."
"What makes you say that?"

"I haven't been happy since the day I called Lily a Mudblood," Severus said solemnly. "If you do the maths, it's been over four decades."

"Perhaps if you verbally reminisce about it; you can tell me what she was like, I would really like to know more about my mum. You can tell me how she made you feel and why you were happy when you were with her."

"That would take a long time," Severus said. "Also, it is too strange for me to talk to you in such a way about your mother when she, in the end, married your father," Severus pointed out. "It wouldn't be right."

"Well I don't have a problem with it, but if you do then who else would you like to talk to?"

"No one, as I told you before, I don't need to talk about it; I can do this on my own."
"I know you can, but if you had to tell someone else, who would you tell?" Harry asked more out of curiosity than anything else.

Severus opened his eyes. Harry was not expecting this, for he was staring directly at Severus' closed lids when he opened them.

Pausing for a moment, the two men looking at each other, Severus seemed to be gaining the courage to give Harry an answer. Surprisingly, the man didn't even need to think about it.

"Ginny," Severus said clearly.

"Ginny?" Harry asserted with wonder; he was not expecting that at all. "Do you mind me asking why Ginny?" Harry questioned for he was extremely confused and very curious.

"She is your wife and I know she will tell you everything. It's not that I do not want you to know Potter, it is more a matter of not wanting to talk to you about it."

"I understand," Harry said, so glad that Severus was willing to be so open about his emotions. "Thank you for trusting me with what happened to you this morning, I know it mustn't have been easy to talk about it," Harry said sincerely. "And I'm so sorry we didn't get there sooner to help you."

"It wasn't your fault, Harry," Severus replied; he didn't want Harry to blame himself for this; although there was no need to bring the Aurors, he knew Harry was only trying to capture Greyback so nothing like this would ever happen again.

"I should let you rest," Harry said as he walked towards the door.

"Thank you," Severus mumbled quietly as he watched Harry leave.

Suddenly Harry stopped in his tracks; he remembered something that he hadn't asked Severus about Greyback.

"Just before Greyback ran into the forest, he was kneeling next to you… he was doing something, though it didn't take him long. Do you know what he did?"

Severus lay there thinking for a moment. Finally he answered:

"No, I have no idea what he did; the one thing I never knew about the body bind curse is that you cannot feel anything whilst in that state. I regret to say, he cleverly stood behind me field of view, so I had no idea what he did to me, if anything."

Harry was crestfallen, but figured that if Severus did notice Greyback do something mysterious, he would have mentioned it ages ago.

"Okay, thank you Severus. Please look after yourself and get better soon. I will keep in contact over the holidays, perhaps you can come over sometime before you and the kids return to Hogwarts," Harry suggested.

Severus nodded.

Smiling, Harry left the hospital wing and walked down the stairs. As he stood in the Entrance Hall, he saw many students sitting in the Great Hall doing their exams. Hoping that James, Albus and Rose would do well in their exams, Harry left the castle and Apparated to the Ministry to update the Aurors and Kingsley on Severus' condition and the extra information Severus had given him regarding Greyback.

A/N: Sorry for tricking all of you (though some of you seemed to be on my case) into thinking that Severus had died, but I promise you that there is a reason why all of this happened. Anyway, I hoped you enjoyed the chapter. Please tell me what you think! I haven't started the next chapter yet, but I promise it will be a good one. I hope to finish it before I go back to uni in a week's time. Anyway, thank you so much for reading and please review!