A hundred days have made me older
Since the last time that I saw your pretty face
A thousand lies have made me colder
And I don't think I can look at this the same

The drive to the cemetery was long overdue for him, he realized as he came to a halt in the parking area that was completely deserted, and probably had been for days, if not weeks. He hated that he hadn't been here since the funeral, but he hadn't been able to face it- to face her. Well, her grave. But today he needed to talk to her, even if it was just a stone. He needed her to know that he hadn't forgotten about her. That he hadn't forgotten them, their life together. There were so many things he wanted to tell her, but had no idea how. Or if it would even help. He'd prayed that it would.

All the miles that separate
Disappear now when I'm dreamin' of your face
I'm here without you baby
But you're still on my lonely mind

After a few moments of procrastinating by listening to the entire song on the radio, even though it was a song he didn't particularly care for, he made his way out of the car and down the long dirt path that led to her grave. After glancing around to find that he was in deed alone in the small burial ground, he knelt down onto his knees, setting the flowers he'd brought down in the center. "Hey Bon Bon.." He began, trying and utterly failing to keep his tears from falling onto his cheeks. "I know that you can't possibly be too happy with me right now.." He roughly wiped the tears off his cheeks as his finger began tracing the engraved letters of her name, and continuing onto her epitaph. " I can't say that I blame you." He lowered his eyes to the flowers, taking a moment to gain what little composure he had left.

I think about you baby and I dream about you all the time
I'm here without you baby
But you're still with me in my dreams
And tonight, there's only you and me.

"I brought you some flowers though. You know, it always worked a little before." He tried to laugh, but it came out as more of a choked out sob. "Oh Bon Bon.. I just.. I wish that you were here to yell at me. I want.. I need you to yell at me." His voice had started strong, relatively, but by the time he'd said the last word, it'd been broken into nothing more than hoarse whisper. It was even harder than he realized it would be. The conversation with Tommy filtered through his mind about how she was always watching, and he suddenly felt even more ashamed of his actions. It'd only been a month. How could he... his thoughts trailed off as he fell back off his knees, landing on the ground with a slight thud.

The miles just keep rollin'
As the people leave their way to say hello
I've heard this life is overrated
But I hope that it gets better as we go.

"You know.. Tommy hasn't been doing so good. But he's a fighter. Like you." Derek grinned as his fingers began fumbling with themselves, trying to rid himself of the nervousness that just wouldn't go away. "I don't know how to help him. Ma is good with him though. He just.. He looks so much like you. It makes it so hard to face him. And the questions, I.. I want to tell him that I believe there's a reason that this happened, but I can't because I don't understand!" Anger was boiling up inside of him, and he wasn't sure who he was even angry at. It'd been a freak incident. It was no one's fault. But that fact made it all the more impossible to accept, made it impossible not blame God.

I'm here without you baby
But you're still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby and I dream about you all the time

He took several deep breaths before continuing, even with the anger, he still felt wrong yelling there. In a place that was eternally quiet. "I'm guessing you already know that Meredith is his teacher. He raves about her constantly and it's only been a couple of days!" Derek smiled sadly as his eyes once again found the roses. "And last night.. We tried to be friends again. Well, I don't know if friends is the word. More like baggage less strangers." A soft laugh escaped his lips as he tried to find the right words. "I don't know how well it went considering every thought went right back to you.." There was a slight breeze in the air that brushed against Derek's cheek, and he couldn't help but smile. He wasn't sure what he believed when it came to those sort of coincidences, but at that moment, he wanted to believe that she trying to comfort him. "I think she missed you almost, if not just as much as I do, if that's possible."

The breeze picked up a little more, causing his eyes to squint just slightly to keep a clear view of her grave. "Everything would be so much easier if you just came back to us Bon Bon..." More tears escaped his tear ducts as he picked up a piece of grass and began tearing it into tiny pieces. " I need you to come back. I just can't.. I can't do this without you."

Everything I know, and anywhere I go
It gets hard but it won't take away my love
And when the last one falls, when it's all said and done.
It gets hard but it won't take away my love
I'm here without you baby
But you're still with me in my dreams
And tonight girl, there's only you and me

Three Doors Down

It wasn't until that moment that he let his mind travel back to the day he heard the news. He'd forced the police man to tell him what happened so many times that he almost felt like he was there. He could almost see her, he could almost even hear her scream. Almost because it's not possible, and because as much as he'd obsessed over the facts, he couldn't believe it's a true story, and he couldn't believe Cinny was really dead. It had to have been some sort of mistake. She was too good to have something like that to happen to her. She had too much faith. She had too much to live for. Most of all, she was the strongest person he knew, and if she couldn't make it, how in the hell was he going to? For the millionth time, his carefully laid out picture of the accident played out in his head, haunting him to figure out something he'd missed. Something to tell him she was still alive, despite all evidence to the contrary. Even though there was no way to know that his portrayal was accurate, for some reason or another he'd convinced himself it was all real. Mostly because Cinny was a woman of habit. Especially on road trips. He needed to know what happened, he needed to understand.