CHAPTER 25

THE SHOW

Effie ushers us back into our rooms where we collect our few things, but since we don't really have anything to pack, it only takes a short while until we're settled on the car towards the train station. Katniss and I sit silently inside, watching as the Capitol people litter in the streets and frantically waved their goodbyes as our car passed them by even though they can't really see us since our car windows are tinted black. I can sense Katniss's anxiousness, so I let my hand rest on top of hers. She looks at me, wonder clear in her eyes, and I smile back at her warmly. I offer no words - I know that Katniss prefers to remain silent, so I let her be.

The train station comes into view only ten minutes later. More people lingered outside, but they aren't allowed to go inside the station. Katniss and I keep our hands linked together as we go out of the car and walk the few steps towards the station. The crowd cheers loudly, so I smile in return. It's overwhelming how much they seem to support us; and even though they'll see us again in a few months' time, I can see some of them wiping tears from their eyes. I keep smiling until we're inside the station and out of view.

Only two people are allowed to stay inside and say their goodbyes - Cinna and Portia. Of course, we'll see them again in a few months for the Victory Tour, but I can barely stop the sadness that overflows me. Katniss seems to feel the same way as I feel her hold on me grow tighter before letting my hand go to rush to Cinna's arms. I look away from them to give them a moment of privacy. I turn to face Portia.

"Thank you again, Portia." I tell her, wrapping her thin body in my arms.

"It was my pleasure, Peeta." She replies, hugging me as well. Her eyes look watery, but she doesn't let the tears flow. I'm glad for that, because I don't know if I'll be able to hold back mine if she breaks down in front of me.

"I'll see you again in a few months. I'm already looking forward to it."

"So am I. Be sure to stay dazzling, okay?" She jokes.

I laugh. "I wouldn't want you to have a hard time when you dress me up."

She smacks me lightly in the arm. "I'll miss you. I'm so glad that Cinna and I took your district."

"The feeling is mutual."

"Alright!" Effie's voice trills behind us. "Time to go!"

I look at Portia again, glad to know that there's someone in the Capitol that I can genuinely call my friend. I turn my attention to Cinna.

"Thank you also, Cinna."

He bows his head in acknowledgement before Effie gently shoves us inside the train. Haymitch is sitting on one of the chairs inside. We join him and remain silent as the train moves stealthily through the night and the Capitol lights pass by in a blur.

We are going home.

The train stops after some time to refuel. Katniss and I are left alone in the sitting room where we watched the recap of our interview with Caesar earlier. She hasn't spoken a word since then, but we sit comfortably in silence. I'm happy just to be beside her, so I don't attempt to make her speak. I take the moment to think of things.

In just a few hours, Katniss and I will be back in District 12. Surely, the people are so happy about our victory. I try to imagine the crowd - will they be anything like the Capitol audience's enthusiasm? If anything, I'm also happy to be back home; not just because I finally had the guts to talk to Katniss, but also because the entire district will have considerably more food on their tables throughout the year. It's a big help, especially in a district like ours where meal times are spent staring at the walls, trying to ignore the hunger. It has also been two decades since the last time that we will be celebrating at the end of the year's Hunger Games, so these people from our district have more reason to be overjoyed. I smile, allowing myself to entertain the thought that starting now, my family will not have to eat stale food again. My family, I get to see them again! I find every muscle in my body looking forward to it, even as I think of my mother. Are they proud of me? Have I finally deemed myself worthy to have my mother's affection?

And what about my relationship with Katniss, how will they accept it? Not that they have a say in it; if my mother or any one in my family tries to object and keep us apart, I have no doubt that I will disobey. Katniss had been my lifesaver in the arena; without her, I'd surely be dead by that stream right now. She saved me time and time again, so I can't think of anything that my family will disapprove of. If anything, we are under her debt. Surely, my father will be happy at our homecoming. He has known about my "crush" - possibly since I was little - and he has been a silent supporter all those years. My brothers, I bet they won't really mind. My mother, on the other hand, is another story. Maybe if it were in another situation, she will fiercely intervene; but Katniss and I are both victors - the highest status one can ever attain in our district. I don't care about status, really, but my mother does. I can only hope that she won't give me hell for my decision, though I feel much more optimistic that she'll be more accepting now. Either way, now that I've had the girl of my dreams, there is no way I'm ever letting her go.

"Can we go outside? I want real air." Katniss's voice finally interrupts the silence between us.

"Sure." I answer enthusiastically, willing to go anywhere she wants me to. I offer my hand to her as I stand up and she willingly takes it. The silence resumes between us as we walk together.

Outside, the air has grown considerably warmer. We step along the side of the track, my eyes darting around. There's no crowd, not even a single individual to watch us. Since the Games, Katniss and I never really had a private time together, and this is the closest that we get to it. Peacekeepers don't linger in our backs now that we're not tributes anymore and the Capitol is already behind us. It's weird, but without them, I now feel a better sense of security. For now, we're away from the Capitol, away from the prying eyes of the audience. Even Haymitch and Effie are not in sight. It's just the two of us.

Near the tracks, my eyes get distracted by a bunch of pink and white wildflowers. I look at Katniss who seems to be lost in thought before heading a little off our way to stoop down and pluck some out for her.

"What are you doing?" I hear her ask.

"Stay there." I order gently. She does comply, and I smile at that. Katniss almost never complies to any instruction given to her.

I continue plucking the wildflowers. Aside from the bread, there's really nothing that I've given her to show her my affection, so these flowers are the least bit I can do. I'm not sure how she reacts to romantic gestures. I figure that years ago, I may be cowed to give these to her, but now I feel myself to be braver and more composed. In the years that I've watched her from afar, Katniss seems to enjoy looking at beautiful flowers or plants, and these wildflowers are something that remind me of that. I stand straight again, keeping my back to her for a while as I rearrange the flowers in my hand. I turn back to her and see the confusion in her eyes.

"For you." I say as I hand her the flowers.

Her hands slowly extend to take the bunch from me, eyeing it with an unreadable expression on her face. I study her for a moment, trying to decide what she's feeling. Her eyes pucker in the center for the briefest moment before they turn upward to look at me with a smile.

"They're beautiful. Thank you." She says softly.

"You're welcome. I thought they look beautiful like you."

She smiles tentatively before her head dips low again, avoiding my gaze. There's something off about her expression - her smile is too stiff for one, and it doesn't reach her eyes like they do when she's really happy or amused about something. I suddenly realize that her silence may also be for another reason. What is she thinking about? Is she nervous about going back? Or just too happy that we're finally heading home? Is there something I did, or didn't do, that she's upset about?

I ponder these thoughts in my head as I watch her for a few moments. I try to come up with an answer, but find nothing. Eventually, I decide that the best course of action will be to just ask her.

"What's wrong?"

Her eyes momentarily shift to the space in front of us before she holds my hand again and continues walking. I follow her silently, but I study her all the while.

"Nothing." She answers. I don't believe her response, but I decide to drop it. Katniss hates being pushed to do things that she doesn't want, so I leave it at that. The curiosity, however, flares even more strongly now. The slight disappointment that comes with her refusal to make me a part of what's going on in her mind is slightly staggering. I focus on trying to tame the anxiety that's building within me. If Katniss has a problem, she'll tell it to me only if she wants to. I will not force her.

"Great job, you two." A voice behind us says. I recognize it as Haymitch's from the smell of the alcohol and the slight slurring of the words. He can creep up really well for a drunk person; I didn't even hear him come behind us. I look at him, surprised and a bit annoyed that he's ending our privacy when we've had so little. I don't say anything, though. What is he talking about? "Just keep it up in the district until the cameras are gone. We should be okay."

Now I'm completely lost. Keep what up? And cameras? I didn't see any cameras around, but if Haymitch said that, then they must be hidden here somewhere. But still, the nagging feeling crept up from my stomach to my chest. What in the world is Haymitch talking about?

I first watch his retreating figure as he stepped on the train again before turning my gaze to Katniss. She's watching him too, but her eyes show worry and panic. No trace of confusion. She's trying too hard to avoid my eyes.

"What's he mean?" I ask her. From the look on her face, I can guess that she clearly understood what he meant.

She sighs before speaking, seeming to debate whether to tell me or not. She blurts it out after a brief moment. "It's the Capitol. They didn't like our stunt with the berries."

The Capitol? Berries? "What? What are you talking about?" The Games are over, what does that have to do with anything?

"It seemed to rebellious." Katniss answers before slowly turning to look at me. "So, Haymitch has been coaching me through the last few days. So I didn't make it worse."

I stare at her for a long while, trying to process what she had said. Our victory wasn't supposed to happen - only one of us was destined to go home. But we went against the rules when we tried to commit suicide through the nightlock. Maybe that's why the Capitol was forced to announce both of us as winners, because they need to have a Victor. The audience will be greatly disappointed if we ended up killing ourselves, and the Capitol can't afford that sort of reaction. The stability of the political system highly depends on the satisfaction of the Capitol people and in keeping all the Districts calm and contained. That's why the Games exist, after all; and the Victory Tour, for that matter.

Since I woke up after we were carried out of the arena, the only thoughts that I had was going back home and possibly spending most of my days with Katniss. I didn't even realize that that act in the end will be viewed differently by the Capitol, that they'd see it as a form of rebellion. To me it certainly wasn't; I've been too preoccupied by the idea that Katniss doesn't want to leave the arena without me. She and Haymitch knew about it the whole time, and once again, I'm left behind. She specifically said that Haymitch coached her.

"Coaching you?" I repeat incredulously. "But not me." Obviously.

"He knew you were smart enough to get it right." She answers.

To get it right... if Katniss needed to get it right, then that means that we haven't been on the same plane before. I suddenly realize what a fool I am to even consider those thoughts before. "I didn't know there was anything to get right." I say a bit too harshly. "So what you're saying is, these last few days... and then I guess... back in the arena... that was just some strategy you two worked out."

"No. I mean, I couldn't even talk to him in the arena, could I?" Katniss argues weakly.

"But you knew what he wanted you to do, didn't you?"

Katniss bites her lip and keeps her head low, avoiding my eyes again. She doesn't speak or defend herself. My chest throbbed painfully. "Katniss?"

When she still doesn't answer, I remove my hand from hers and step back. Pain is now so dominant in my body, that I'm almost afraid that it might crash me down to the ground. It's even worse than all the physical pain I've been through. I have never felt more betrayed, more foolish.

"It was all for the Games. How you acted." I state. I don't have to question her about it; the answer is plain and obvious. I should have seen it beforehand. After all, why will a girl as strong-willed as Katniss fall for a soft-hearted fool like me? I'm no match for her abilities, and that was so clear in the Games. I had been blindsided by the happiness I felt when she looked for me and kissed me that all sense of reasoning was lost. I believed all her act.

"Not all of it." Katniss whispers, her hand clenching tightly on the flowers I gave her just a few minutes ago.

"Then how much?" I ask, then stop myself when I realize that I don't have to. That it doesn't matter which of those parts weren't an act, because either way, Katniss doesn't have feelings for me. "No, forget that. I guess the real question is what's going to be left when we get home?"

"I don't know. The closer we get to District Twelve, the more confused I get."

I stare at her, waiting for her to elaborate. But she doesn't. The pain in my chest is becoming more unbearable.

"Well, let me know when you work it out." I tell her sharply before turning my back on the only girl I care so deeply about. The only girl who has captured my attention since I was five that it's almost idiotic. The girl I've tried to talk to for years but ended up not approaching her. The girl whom I was willing to die for.

The girl who gave me the best days of my life, and now, also the worst.

I stay in my room for the remainder of the trip, deciding to do so until we get back to our District. I can't face her or anyone else yet, knowing how much I've made a fool of myself. Effie and Haymitch rapped on my door a few times, but they ended up leaving me alone. I know it's rude, but I just can't face anyone when I'm so broken. That was hours ago.

I keep my eyes on the large window of my compartment, watching the trees and the scenery move swiftly past us. I take the time to think back to the events of the past few weeks.

Katniss had been distant from the very beginning. She would speak to me one minute, and become cold the next. From the start, I never knew what to make of her. Maybe that's why I was so eager to accept all the things she did in the arena. I had been waiting too long for our interaction to happen, that I'd stupidly jump at any chance presented. I remember her reaction after our first interview with Caesar, how her eyes filled with anger as I announced my adoration for her in front of the whole Panem. I remember Haymitch telling her how my interview did her a huge favor, how the whole audience would now be thinking of the star-crossed lovers.

How she spat at him that we are not star-crossed lovers, and Haymitch telling her that it doesn't matter because it's all "a big show".

I should have known.

Then I realize another thing: in her admission, Katniss said that I was "smart enough" to get it so I wasn't coached. The way she phrased it could only mean one thing: that she thought we're on the same boat. That I said those things in the interview merely as a strategy, and nothing more. That my feelings for her are crafted, tainted by the necessity to get sponsors. That her acting is totally defensible because she actually believes that I don't truly feel anything for her.

I sit still in my room, not even bothering to order food. The pain inside me has subsided, leaving a big, gaping hole inside me. I can't even get mad at her; there's only hatred for myself. A lot of what ifs pass my mind. What if I admitted my feelings for her before the reaping? What if she knows that my admission during the interview is as real as it can be, that there's nothing more I've dreamed of than to finally talk to her? What if I talked to her after she attacked me for the things I said in front of the whole Panem, and clarified to her that there's not an ounce of lie in those words? Would things be any different? Would she still act like that in the arena?

I keep thinking now that she should have let me die in there. Maybe there I would be happier. At least I died without knowing that all her kisses to me were fake.

My shoulders slump forward, defeated. It's even worse because I can easily defend her side - how she does not have any reasons to feel the same way about me, anyway. I barely saved her life in the arena; most of the time, she was the one who kept me alive. All because I'm weak and incompetent - a far cry from the other tributes, and definitely a thousand times farther away in comparison to Gale.

Gale. How could I have forgotten about him in the arena? Maybe he and Katniss really had something more than just friendship. Gale likes her in the same way that I do, that much is obvious. I've seen his eyes, the way he looks at her protectively. The thing is, he can protect her infinitely better than I did... or tried to do.

I feel even more defeated as I think how it will when we get back. Katniss and Gale will surely go back to their old routine - hunting out in the woods. Katniss has no need for it since she has lots of money now, but I doubt that she'll give up hunting. It's her nature, and the woods is almost her second place. And Gale will be there, because that's his nature, too. They fit so well together.

These thoughts set the jealousy in me. I've always been jealous of Gale because he is able to spend so much time with Katniss, and frankly, he was the only guy that Katniss ever noticed. She doesn't talk to anyone else, at least not on the same level as Gale. They have a different kind of bond that's hard to compete with. I've seen her with him. I know how comfortable they are with each other.

So where does that leave me? Us? The Capitol is already expecting so much from us; the audience will be thoroughly disappointed to learn that all those displays in the arena are just that. Display. Fake. Manufactured. It would be difficult to keep up the act now that the truth is out in the open... so what do we do about it? We can keep it up, yes. It will break me, but as she mentioned earlier, it seemed important that we keep up the act. I brought her into this situation when I revealed my feelings for her in that interview, so I have to take full responsibility even if it costs everything in me. Even if its a thousand times worse than dying. So we do it, and this time, both of us will be acting - Katniss pretending to be in love with me, and me pretending to be happy and content. I will be, if it were true. Only it isn't.

And it will never be.

Those moments in the arena were still the happiest that I've been in my life, even under the circumstances. The feel of her body in my arms... her soft lips against mine. Those are things that I never expected to ever experience, so maybe I should just be thankful that I was given a brief chance?

My thoughts jump from one memory to another, and I take it all in, allowing myself to be numb. Maybe... maybe I can be numb enough that I'll be able to push through with the act flawlessly. But it's difficult to remember it now without thinking of the betrayal and having that emptiness in my chest. Things are never going to be the same.

I fell asleep in my chair, and when I wake up, the soft hues of dawn are already streaming in my windows. I look a the vast expanse of land before me, concluding that we must already be in District Eleven. I stay in my seat, not bothering to eat again. I don't feel the need to.

I stay cooped up in the room for the next few hours. My thoughts are tamer now; I have already resolved the night before that I will keep up the pretense for her sake, because that's the safest path. Even through my pain, I cannot find it in me to leave her dangling. The need to protect her is still intact. Only now, it will be just like before the Games.

Eventually, we reach the end of the agricultural district, and we approach the familiar greens and trees that surround District Twelve. No doubt the cameras and the people will be swarming at the train station. I brace myself for the encounter, slowly standing up from my chair and taking a cold shower. I let the water pour through my whole body, clearing my mind of all turmoil. It works in keeping me calm.

When I've dressed, I walk out of the room for the first time since our argument and head to the sitting room where I find Haymitch and Katniss. I acknowledge her presence with a small nod, keeping my face free of emotions. To my surprise, it's quite easy. I guess that's because of the void in my chest now. I can feel both their eyes probing at me, but I ignore it.

Keep calm, Peeta. Keep calm.

When our train finally approaches the station, I slowly turn to look at her. Hey eyes are fixed on the window, but I bet she can still sense my movement. I extend my hand to her to let her know that I'm willing to put up with the act.

"One more time?" I ask. Her eyes bore into my hands with uncertainty. "For the audience?" I reiterate. I can barely recognize my voice that is devoid of any emotion. It doesn't matter; the audience will not notice.

The last thing I feel before I hear the sound of the cheering crowd and the flashing of cameras is Katniss's hand clutching mine tightly. Then we turn to face them - hands linked together to show a united front, but inside, our hearts are as distant as they can ever be. The star-crossed lovers of District Twelve.

Author's note

Aaaaand we're done with the Hunger Games! Catching Fire in Peeta's perspective shall be up in a few weeks! Thank you everyone for the reviews, favorites, and follows. I truly appreciate it. It's my first fanfic, after all. I love you all. I will be posting the link to Catching Fire here as soon as it's up. It will start with the scene at the train station.

Thank you again, and I hope that you continue to read the other stories that I will be writing!