Chapter 25 The 'Talk'
Beca was heading back to the house, where she stopped and remember what Lily had said about keeping herself busy. Knowing Chloe would be there, she still doesn't know what she wanted from her, or understand why she has this sudden desire in wanting to spend more time in her company.
She was confused on her feelings for the red head and why it hurt her so much every time Chloe rejected her advances. She doesn't even know why she suddenly felt this way towards Chloe, Even though, Chloe had been forward with her crush towards her since the first day they met. Beca never once returned the crush back or even talk to her about it, instead she just brushed it off with a smile and called her 'weird'.
Yet she was VERY vocal towards Kommissar who she barely knew and look what happened.
Lily was right though, when she asked her what would have happened if Chloe went through having sex with her? Would she treat Chloe like a one night stand and be rough with her like the unnamed woman from previous nights ago?
She sighed, for every hurdle that she manages to jump over there will be other another one waiting for her, to trip and fall.
Beca decieded to carry on walking towards the radio shack and try and get some work down in advance when Luke leaves for his trip to Thailand.
Luke was surprised to see her so soon as there was really nothing else to show her. Instead he just let her carry on with writing a playlist for the coming weeks.
"Did you come up with any more mixes?" He asked to make some sort of conversation. "I um…I don't have the equipment anymore." She told him without looking at him.
"Oh, how come?" Beca sighed. How can she tell him that she had a break down and smashed anything up? "I just want to have a break for now, besides I got a lot of demos that I can use." She replied without looking at him. "Okay, well… feel free to play them if there's nothing here you don't fancy."
At the mention of practically having free reign on what she can play, her eyes lit up. "Really?"
"Yeah…Look Beca you have a good ear and I was not joking when I said your mixes are good, I don't know why you stopped doing what you love! Maybe you can find that love back whilst you're here? Besides like I said there is some old equipment if you get bored and want to try mixing again."
"Yeah, I keep that in mind…" Both her and Luke carried on without another word spoken, leaving Beca again to think about what she wanted to do in the future with her music.
As time went by and she had an idea what she was going to play, she noticed how late it was getting and this time she really needed to head home, knowing how worried Lily and Chloe will be if she doesn't arrive before night.
Arriving at the front door she sighed as she doesn't have a clue on what to say to Chloe, she could say what she always said to her and that was 'sorry' but Chloe deserve to have more than that. Before entering the front door, she decieded to have a quick cigarette and try and come with a conversation so that neither of them will lose their temper. 'Better said than done.' Beca thought to herself.
She closed her eyes and put her head back hoping something will pop in her head on what to say, she thinks about the last six months after the incident happened, hitting CR and Emily, then up and leaving Burden for LA; How it was easy for her to have sex with a drug dealer and landlord for survival, no matter how much they had abused her and her body in return.
She knew the way she treated her one night stand with the unnamed woman was wrong, she didn't stop when the woman had hissed in pain when she bit too hard on her neck or when she digged her fingers hard into her opening. She also did not stop when the woman did the same thing to her. Telling the unnamed woman to dig deeper into her, to feel that pain or was it to release the pain? She did not know. But, what she did know is that she still remained to be the dominate one.
She did not do it for the enjoyment or pleasure! She did it for the pain and to cause pain, to take back the control over her body which had been abused for those six months and to see what it felt like to have that control over someone else.
If she was truthful to herself, she had enjoyed it! 'Maybe, because I was high.' She thought. But it always goes back to Lily's question, earlier on today. "Do you want to be in a relationship with her? Or do you want to use her for you own sexual needs?"
She did not give Lily an answer then and was even insulted when she asked her that question. But, she still couldn't answer it.
All she can remember about that night with the unnamed woman was that she was the one mostly in control, she was the one that took charge and she was the one that inflicted the most pain.
She had to admit she like having that control over someone else, she like feeling that power, she like giving orders for her own fulfilment, but even after all of that she still felt empty, she still felt something was missing.
What she felt when she kissed Chloe last night was passion and for a long time, felt herself getting wet for the right reason, willingly to let herself get lost in that moment, to let her guard down, for Chloe. But, still not understanding whether it was genuine feelings or her body trying to get over the trauma and gain back control.
She also thought of how mad she got when Jesse rejected her, telling her he was engaged that he basically moved on with his life. So, what did she go off and do? She went off with a random stranger, that first laid eyes on her, then got mad again when he stopped her. Again, that control on what she thought she wanted was taken out of her hands. Regardless whether or not it was a bad decision and she was steaming out of her skull but it was still her choice.
She let out the last puff of smoke before she extinguished the cigarette before facing Chloe for the dreaded chat.
She just couldn't answer why she gets so angry with Chloe each time she stops Beca from going further. Maybe Lily was right, she should have a long, hard think on what she wanted for herself and if she wanted Chloe to be a part of her future.
She looked at the door and sighed she might as well and get it over with.
As she entered the house, she noticed Chloe and Lily in the kitchen cooking, chatting among themselves. Hearing the door close, they both turned to her direction and placed a smile as she saw Beca. "You are just in time, I'm cooking some pasta if you want any? It will put some meat on your bones!" Chloe joked, but secretly hoping that Beca would eat something as she still looked too thin. This morning conversation seemed to be forgotten.
"Pasta is fine. If I remember correctly your pasta was to die for in college." Beca, putting her bag down and made her way to the kitchen. The silence was broken when the phone tone of LMFAO 'Sexy and I know it' went off. Seeing Lily's smile, it seemed like Donald was the caller. She then disappeared in the living room to take the call.
"Someone's happy." Beca said as she watched Lily leaving the kitchen. "Good for her, Donald seems a nice guy." Chloe agreed.
"Yeah…He does. I'm happy for her. Guess there is light at the end of the tunnel." Beca smiled which dropped when both her eyes and Chloe's stared at each other. The sudden silence between them was now becoming a common thing, Beca even though, she did not want to. Found herself staring at the damage she caused on Chloe's face. Chloe could feel Beca's stare on her and tried to ignore it.
Chloe dished out her plate and gave her a glass of water. "Here."
"Thanks."
Chloe sat down to join her, after a few moments of silence Beca broke and spoke about what she did today. "So, I saw my dad today…"
"You guys didn't argue, did you?" Chloe asked hoping that Beca didn't let her temper get the best of her. "…No, it was nice. I also apologised to Kelly and dad asked me to join them this Sunday for lunch, you know, to get to know them, like really know them."
"That's a good start. I think you should, it will be a good way to reconnect."
"Yeah, well I said I think about it." Again, silence between the two as Chloe was eating away and Beca just playing with the pasta. "Pasta, not good?" Chloe asked as she saw Beca just playing with her food. "It's fine…I…um…I told my dad what happened."
The sound of the fork dropping on the plate echoed in the kitchen. "You did?" Chloe asked shocked. "How are you feeling?"
"I'm good. He showed me some photos that he has of me in his living room. There was a photo of us winning the worlds, when I saw it, memories of what happened afterwards came flooding back. So, I told him what happened and said how hard I found it in LA, of course without going into too much details. He gave me a hug and asked if there was everything that he could do. He took the photo down, when I told him I could not look at it just yet."
Chloe then realised that there are photos of their win around the living room, Beca was spending most of her time in her bedroom whenever she was at home; so, it did not occur to her and Aubrey that the photo could bring some bad memories. "Do you want me to take them down?"
"No, it's okay! I just have to learn to live with it. Besides, Aubrey would ask why you have taken it down."
"Speaking of Aubrey…" Chloe looked down at her pasta and carried on eating, she did not know how Beca will take the current news, about the girls re-join for one last acapella concert.
Before Beca came in the kitchen both she and Lily were discussing about a recent e-mail they both got from Emily about an upcoming acapella event for charity and because the Bellas are the world champions it was decided it will take place in Burden. More details were to follow in a few days.
"How is she?" Beca asked. "She's doing okay, she sounded relaxed."
"Aubrey, relaxed? Never thought I hear those two words in the same sentence." It felt like a long time that both of them looked at each other without feeling awkward and smiled.
Chloe thought carefully on how she was going to say the next bit. "Aubrey will be back here this weekend. She wants a word with us…"
"About what?"
"About an upcoming acapella event for charity." Chloe watched Beca as she still played with the pasta. "Oh…"
"Do you fancy it?" Chloe deep down hoped Beca will say yes but knowing that it might still be too soon for her to even think about it. "You don't have to answer now, but at least think about it?" Beca just nodded and finally managed to force herself to take her first bite of pasta.
Silence was broken once again when Lily skipped back into the kitchen. "How's Donald?" Chloe smiled at her, Lily did not need to say anything as her smile said more than enough, hearing a car beeped from outside Lily dashed out of the door.
"Seems someone will be having fun tonight." Beca smiled. Chloe nodded her head in agreement and went back to eating without saying anything much.
Beca sighed and decieded to bite the bullet and get to the bottom of where both of them stand when it came to their 'feelings' waiting for the right moment to approach the subject.
Once they were finish Beca couldn't stand the small talk she wanted to get to the bottom of this; once and for all.
"Chloe, we need to talk."
"If it is about last night it's forgotten I told you not to worry about it."
"It's not just about what happen, last night! It's about what didn't happen! I know you felt what I did, by the kiss! Don't patronise me and say it was the alcohol, I know you didn't drink that much."
"You wouldn't let me go, I told you, to let me go, I tried to break away from your hold, I couldn't."
"I know, but you DID! Kiss me back! your hands were exploring my body and you didn't object when I suggested carrying on to the bedroom…"
"What's your point Beca?" Chloe sighed in frustration she did not what to have this talk right now, she knew what she was getting herself into. Despite Aubrey's warnings she wanted to support every step of the way with Beca. Despite how much she got hurt along the way.
"I know you wanted more than a kiss as much as I do. What I can't understand why you stopped? You still haven't given me a decent answer."
Chloe sighed, she knows that there was truth in Beca's words, that she did felt the passion in their kiss and wanted to take it further. But, Beca's mental health takes priority then her feelings and she should have fought harder against her. But her heart wants what it wants and it was beating for Beca at that moment. Even in this moment Chloe could feel her heart beating faster in her chest.
Chloe just shook her head, she did not want to discuss this further, if Beca was to push it further Chloe might ending up snapping at her and that's the last thing she wanted.
"Can we talk about it tomorrow? Please? It's getting late and I have a busy day tomorrow." Chloe pleaded.
Beca felt her temper raise as SHE needed to talk about this, as she doesn't want another issue to build up. "Damn it Chloe!" She threw her fork down hard on her plate that it bounced off the empty plate before dropping onto the floor. "We need to talk about this! I NEED! To TALK about THIS!" Beca than stood up and slammed her hand down hard on the table to express her point.
Chloe could also feel her temper rise as she knows her feelings for Beca are genuine and not just a crush. But she did not want to be forced, not like this, not when she was trying hard to control her own temper that was building up. She just needed Beca to heal first and then to sort her own feelings out.
"Beca please? Not tonight!" Chloe again plead, she had always try to keep her temper control, has always been passive. She did not want to argue with Beca and to reveal her real fear on why she stopped herself from taking it further. But, hearing Beca's voice going on and on and seeing how angry Beca was getting, she can feel herself break.
Chloe snapped.
"You want to know, why I stop when I did?"
"Well I wouldn't be standing here having this argument with you, if I didn't!" Beca raised her voice higher, not noticing her hands clutching to fists, which did not go amiss with Chloe.
"Fine! I shall tell you! Remember I did not want this! I did not want to tell you this way. I wanted us when you were well, to sit down properly and talk calmly. Not like this!
Remember that first night? When you try to kiss me? When I said no you stormed off and returned home with another woman?" Beca let her carry on, her anger lessening. "…Did you forget that my room is next to yours?"
Beca was no longer angry and was slowly becoming ashamed of her behaviour that night. "I heard you. It was not pleasant! Was that what you wanted to do to me? To hurt me? And, for me to hurt you, in return? Like I told you! I am not that person! I know for a fact that it's not me! But, seeing how you are and what you been though it has me wondering if all of this is now you?"
"I know I had physically hurt you twice and I am sorry...I..." Beca saw Chloe's head turned aside, she still did not tell Beca that she slapped her when she tried to comfort her during one of her nightmares. "Chloe? How many times did I hurt you?"
"That does not matter! I can handle that!" Chloe gave a look at Beca to make it clear she did not want to talk about it.
"Are you scared of me?"
"No…" Chloe lied and Beca knew it. "I'm not scared of you…I just...I just don't want to get hurt, emotionally. I don't want to be some one night stand. I care a lot about you and I meant what I said about helping you through this! That will never change. I have feelings for you and that will never change! For now, I will give you space to figure yourself out and help you anyway I can."
Without replying back, Beca instead looked at the kitchen clock and realise how late it was and changed the subject. "I think you're right! It's getting late we should both go to sleep." Chloe sighed, as she saw Beca's look defeated. "See you in the morning." Beca said as she pushed passed Chloe and headed for the stairs.
Chloe watched Beca go upstairs and took a minute to calm herself down before following.
As Beca was getting ready for bed, she knows that Chloe would at least for tonight leave her be.
Soon as her head hit the pillow she didn't realise how exhausted she was; the lack of sleep catching up with her.
Her eyes were heavy and she drifted off to sleep...
She looked at her surroundings and sighed knowing that she was not alone. "What are doing here? Haven't you done with tormenting me? You got what you wanted, please leave me alone."
"You know I'm not physically, here right? Like I said I be in here the most." She pointed to Beca's head. "What you do when you fall asleep is down to you. You can have dreams about rainbows and ponies, but you chose to dream about me. I'm flatted."
"Believe me, this is no dream." Kommissar lit up a cigarette and even offered Beca one, which she took. Neither of them spoke. Beca was just closing her eyes and just hoping she would go away.
When she opened her eyes, she realises that she was now lying naked on a bed, with Kommissar on top of her. "Why can't I move?"
"You are in a deep sleep; your mind is still active but your body has shut down so it can rest. You not been sleeping that well... Which means..." Her hands are now creasing Beca's body, on her breasts kneading them, placing her mouth on one of the nipple then the other. "Please don't…No…" Beca again begging for her to stop. "There is nothing you can do. Your greatest fear now is not me…but becoming like me…Like with your one night stand…Tell me… " Kommissar paused briefly before letting her tongue run down Beca's naked smooth stomach. "Did you like it? Did you like being the dominate one and driving hard into her?" Kommissar ended as she pushed hard and deep into Beca's opening hitting her clit with her thumb, Beca let out a hiss before the moan of pleasure.
Kommissar for the moment stopped on what she was doing as her face changed into Beca's...
"Shit!" Beca felt like saying it out loud, but her lips did not move, her eyes wanting to pop open to wake herself out of this nightmare, but she found herself that she couldn't. She couldn't move a muscle. She was trying hard to wake herself up and moving at least an arm or something.
Through the exhaustion of many sleepless nights her body was in sleep paralysis and needed a few seconds for her to wake herself back up.
What seemed like forever she managed to rouse herself up. Blinking a number of times and looking at the nearby clock. She thought she slept the night away but realised that she only slept for two hours. She couldn't go on like this and she did not want to experience another episode, as she felt so vulnerable to not move a muscle, lying there in the open and not being able to defend yourself.
Sudden pain in her ribs course through her, slowly putting her arm round herself to help ease it, taking a few breaths trying to calm herself down and trying to relax.
Once she felt herself being able to move again, she took another deep breath and she got out of bed and decieded to go downstairs to get herself a glass of water.
Still out of sorts she knocked into a chair and Chloe's purse fell onto the floor, all the contents inside the purse spilled out. She bent down to collect up the items and notice that her pain killers were still there. Reading the label that it causes drowsiness she pocketed a few.
Chloe after hearing the noise asked if everything was okay. After the little 'talk' they both had, Beca did not want to face her and told her to go back to bed as she was just getting a glass of water. Chloe just nodded and went back to her room.
Beca took the tablets and went back upstairs, closing her eyes and hoping to get a decent night's sleep without the nightmares.
She can feel herself going back into a deep sleep.
TBC...
Kdubya and RJRMovieFan - Thanks for your reviews and I'm glad you are still enjoying it. Apologies that it has taken long to put this chapter up! So many times it had to be re-read, going back and forth to previous chapters...
Hopefully next chapter will not take as long! :)