CHAPTER 24 – Full Circle

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The details of what happened right after I was found in the escape pod are a blur, I'm afraid. The search and rescue team shuttled me to Admiral Dodonna's flagship. I vaguely remembered being rushed to the medical bay. The medic wrapped me in a blanket and proceeded to examine me. By then I had finally managed to stop crying. I felt numb. Everything was surreal. I simply could not believe I had escaped. It was like I had at last woken from a nightmare.

I don't remember much of what the medic said to me, other than that he showed concern for the scar on the back of my neck. I was subjected to quite the battery of tests for it, though I told him I was fine. At least I was rewarded at the end with the first hot meal I'd had in days. I was even more grateful when he showed me to a cot and gave me something to help me sleep.

When I awoke hours later, my prior dread of the Republic's reaction to my betrayal set in. Despite the kind treatment I had received, I knew both the Republic and the Jedi Order would want answers. I just didn't know for sure if mine would be good enough. As it turned out, it wasn't long after I had woken up that I found out how thin their patience had worn to hear those answers. An ensign stopped by the medbay and escorted me to Admiral Dodonna's ready room. I quietly followed, my head bowed in trepidation, as well as shame. Apparently word had spread quickly that I was back. Every head turned to look at me as I passed down the corridors. Only, I wasn't sure if they condemned me or welcomed me. I didn't dare look them in the eye to find out. After all, I was still wearing the garb of a Dark Jedi. I had thought the conclusion they would have drawn to be obvious. In retrospect, I think they were more shocked than anything.

I swallowed hard as I stepped into the ready room. Admiral Dodonna was seated at the table, along with Master Vandar, whom I was surprised to see.

"Commander Shan," the admiral said, waving her hand at the array of chairs. "Please, have a seat."

It was with trembling hands that I sat down across from her and Master Vandar, though I folded them to try to hide it.

"I can't say how relieved we all are that you are safe," the admiral continued, seating herself once more. "Four months, and no word, no sign? We feared you were dead."

"Has it really been four months?" I asked. She nodded. We shared a few moments of uncomfortable silence. At least, it was uncomfortable for me. I didn't wait to be asked any questions. Taking a deep breath, I at last summoned the courage to speak, my throat and chest tightening.

"I'm sorry," I said, my voice hoarse. "I know I don't deserve forgiveness, but I ask it from you all the same." I hung my head, avoiding eye contact.

It was Master Vandar who spoke next. "Bastila, we know there is far more here than meets the eye. We have not passed judgment on you yet."

I hesitatingly raised my eyes to meet his, and nodded. "Yes, Master. I-I wasn't...I never..."

Admiral Dodonna nodded encouragingly. "Go on. We're listening."

"It was never my intent to betray the Republic. He threatened me. I mean...not just me. He threatened to bombard Iridonia if I didn't. All those civilians...I didn't know what else to do. I'm sorry."

Understanding lit their eyes. "Yes, this makes much sense," Master Vandar said.

"It certainly explains Revan's fleet positions," the admiral said, nodding in agreement. "We'd thought he was about to do something like that, except we never received any transmission from him. I found it strange that he would suddenly be so petty, and forget to tell us to back down."

I exhaled in relief, and at last the tightness in my throat and chest left me. "Actually," I said, "he really is that petty." I closed my eyes, trying to shut out the imagery of those horrid moments. "I'm sorry," I whispered.

I heard Admiral Dodonna get up from her chair and walk around the table to me. I felt a hand on my shoulder, and opened my eyes, looking up at her.

"Commander, you have nothing to be sorry for. We are so proud of you."

"Proud? But why?" I shook my head. "I...I fell. To the dark side. I gave into fear."

"No, young one," Master Vandar said. "You showed great courage. It is natural to fear. But a true Jedi overcomes it, and follows what is right."

A tear slipped down my cheek. I had been so certain that I had failed them all.

"Commander," Admiral Dodonna interjected, "if it hadn't been for you, we would have lost the ship yards. You did something incredibly brave, knowing that there would be retaliation. I only wish we could have managed to board Revan's ship. We very much wanted to rescue you. Please forgive us our failure."

"But I nearly cost you Iridonia!"

The admiral sighed. "We don't blame you for what you did. I might very well have done the same, with so many civilians' lives at stake. That could not have been an easy decision."

"Still...I know you felt betrayed. I could feel it."

"Betrayed?" Master Vandar said. "No. Dismayed? Yes. Feared for what Revan had done to you? Yes. It would have been rash indeed to assume betrayal."

"But I felt it!"

"Commander," the admiral said, "I think you only felt what your own heart felt. Come. Let me show you how we really feel."

She walked toward the door, and I rose and followed her, Master Vandar trailing behind. She led us to the bridge. When I entered, what greeted me rendered me speechless.

"Attention on deck!" someone shouted. Everyone snapped to attention, all eyes fixed on me.

"At ease!" Admiral Dodonna said. "Let's give Commander Shan a warm welcome."

They clapped for me. Cheered even. Threw their hats up! Tears stung my eyes. I struggled to hold them back, but I couldn't help myself. I wiped my eyes, and caught a glimpse of Master Vandar next to me, peering up at my emotional display.

"I'm sorry, Master," I said. "I know I should have more control than this."

His hand grabbed the hem of my robe. "No need to apologize, Bastila. You have been through much. There will be time enough for you to heal and make peace."

I smiled genuinely for the first time in...Well I don't really remember how long it had been. Relief washed over me. And determination. I wanted to earn back their trust with all my being.

"So, Commander," Admiral Dodonna said. "Enjoying your welcome party?"

"Thank you, admiral. It's more than I deserve."

"Enough of that talk. What's done is done. Am I right?"

"Yes, ma'am."

"Although, inquiring minds wish to know: How did you ever manage to escape?"

.:.

It was Master Vandar who fully debriefed me. I never did tell anyone the complete truth—that Revan had let me go. I simply told everyone that he'd forgotten to turn on the IV drip, which was partially true. I'm sorry, Masters. I just didn't want to ever see that demonic droid again. I hope you understand. Though, I must confess I was nervous that everyone would see me as having been compromised emotionally. In truth, it was all him, but I was worried nonetheless. Please forgive me, Masters. It was a confusing time for me.

Master Vandar and I couldn't head back to Dantooine for another month. While the Republic had driven Revan's fleet from Iridonia, they had yet to secure its hyperspace routes to the outer rim. I did my best to help with my Battle Meditation. However, Revan was down to playing hide and seek with his fleet. For the most part, he refused to face us head on. He was no fool. He would not be able to garner reinforcements quickly enough to hold his ground. Between skirmishes, I spent much time with Master Vandar. I knew he was assessing my condition. I don't blame you, Master. In fact, I thank you for your counsel. I...I was so lost and...confused. I had tasted darkness, and I know that concerned you. But if there is anything I learned from the experience, it is that I came out stronger for it. Stronger to resist the lure of the dark side. After what I had been through, I could never imagine myself giving in.

As you all know, when at last we could finally return home, I was put under more stringent evaluation. First, I know I created quite a stir when I related the Force bond Revan had created between us. I don't blame you for wanting to make sure the bond had sufficient time to fade before sending me against his fleet in battle. I, myself, was worried about it. It may have been only a small bond, but I knew he could influence me with it. I know some among the Council were uncertain as to my loyalties. They were rightfully worried that my fling with the dark side had tainted my soul. Furthermore, I believe the general consensus was that I was still suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder, though no one would tell me directly. Nevertheless, it was rather obvious to me why I was detained from further participation in the war for another two months. Master Vrook made it a point to put me through a vigorous training regimen. I think it was to take my mind off of things. It helped. It made it feel like old times. I was grateful for the stability he provided.

Nevertheless, the Republic needed my help. By the time I was called upon again, the bond had seemingly faded to nothing. It hadn't taken long for Revan to replace his ships. Likewise, he had somehow managed to fill those ships with more defectors and recruits. He had soon regained his footing and was once again repelling the Republic relentlessly back. I spent the next eight months paying for my sins. It was strange, being fully on opposite sides again. Even though our bond had faded, he knew whenever I was present. I could imagine his frustration—particularly towards himself. I knew he regretted letting me go. I was always relieved whenever Revan was not present at a battle. Not that it wasn't a challenge whether he was there or not. Let's just say he has a better grasp than most—especially Malak—on how to counter my Battle Meditation. He was always trying new ways to foil me. Sometimes I could almost feel him brooding from his flagship, contemplating his next move against the arch-enemy he had so foolishly released.

I never told you this before, Masters, but I think he kept tabs on me. I thought at first I was simply being paranoid, which is why I never said anything. Still, now that I look back, I suppose it makes sense that he would. Every few weeks, I would turn my head to look behind me, and catch a glimpse of a red droid. If I so much as blinked, it would be gone. It could very well have been a figment of my imagination. After all, how would an assassin droid ever make it past ship security? Still, it shook me. Had Revan changed his mind? Did he want me dead? Was he observing me? Whatever it was, eventually my droid sightings stopped, as of two months ago. Perhaps by then the stress of it all had faded, returning my sanity to me.

As you know, things in the war took a turn for the worst last month. Revan was once again brutally pushing his way back into the core worlds. We surely stood to lose Iridonia again. That is when we also had our chance to capture Revan. Thanks to intelligence reports, we knew that both he and Malak would be en route to Iridonia with their two fleets to take the planet. We decided to risk it all. With my knowledge of Revan's ship, I led a small boarding party to capture Revan. My Battle Meditation would pave the way for us to board. It was a desperate act, but we knew we needed the respite that his death would create. All those Sith fighting for control of the Empire...Even if Malak comes out on top, it will take time—time that we desperately need to regain our bearings. But most of all, if we could manage to capture Revan alive (as we have), we could use his knowledge to discover the secret to his infinite fleet.

So it was that we enacted our daring plan, risking everything. We had nothing to lose, really. We already were losing. When our strike team's ship punched through the hangar of Revan's flagship, it was with a steely determination. Failure was not an option. Per our plan, once we had subdued the hangar, we split up, one group being a diversion, and the rest of us using an alternative route. It was risky to assume that the Leviathan and Revan's flagship shared the same design in the ventilation system and...waste disposal system. But I knew it was a sure route, albeit smelly. I regret the other team never made it to the elevator. Still, everyone knew how suicidal it all was. We needed the distraction. But our presence was revealed soon enough, when we tried to make for the elevator upon exiting the ventilation system. Several of my team were struck down, but we pressed on.

We rode the elevator to the bridge level. That's when things took a strange turn. When the doors parted, we found the corridor devoid of personnel. It was as though we had an open invitation. I was certain Revan was aware that we had boarded, and that we had made it to the elevator. I would have thought there would be soldiers and Dark Jedi between us and the bridge. Was this some ploy to take me captive again? To ensure I wasn't mistakenly killed? By now my team only consisted of myself, three other Jedi, and a Republic soldier. It would be such a trivial thing for him to overwhelm us on his bridge with even a small handful of Dark Jedi.

I swallowed hard, and led us ahead to the bridge doors. They opened without us even having to punch the controls. We strode in cautiously, brandishing our lightsabers.

And there he was, facing the viewport.

But he was not alone. Sure enough, there were Dark Jedi between us and him. We fought them, pressing further into the room. The soldier...Revan strangled him without so much as shifting his gaze from the viewport, or raising his hand. My heart threatened to stop in my chest, and I struggled for control over my emotions. With a few more decisive strokes I finished off my opponent. The others lined up beside me, having neutralized the remaining Dark Jedi.

A cold silence filled the room. Time itself held its breath seemingly forever. At last, Revan spoke, his voice modulator as cold as his heart.

"I knew you would come for me," he said, still facing the viewport.

"Surrender, Revan. We will show you mercy."

"You should not have come back."

"And why is that?" I asked, stalling for time, knowing that I would likely have to fight him.

He let out a stiff chuckle. "You know what they say: If you love something, set it free...If it comes back, chain it forever so it can never leave again." He shook his hooded head. "I cannot guarantee I'll be as kind to you as last time."

"You're outnumbered. Don't be foolish."

"Foolish?" I didn't need a Force bond to feel the derision emanating from his hulking form. Still, my companions and I held our ground.

He shook his head once more. "No, you are the foolish one to think you can exploit my weakness for you."

The Jedi to my left interjected. "What is he talking about?" he whispered.

But Revan ignored him, addressing only me. "You are sorely mistaken, Bastila, if you think I care for you enough to spare your life. It's too late for me. I've been on this path for far too long. I...I don't have the strength to do the right thing again. I can't stop. Not for anything. Even if I must kill you, or turn you."

With that, he slowly turned around to face me, reaching for his lightsaber as he did so.

"You cannot win, Revan," I said, though not feeling nearly as brave as my words were.

He wordlessly ignited his lightsaber, and stepped toward us, raising the blade high, poised to strike.

And he hesitated. It seemed like we stood there forever, staring each other down. His hand almost seemed to...to loosen its grip ever so slightly on his lightsaber. I almost thought that maybe, just maybe, he didn't want to go through with it.

But Malak stole his choice from him. My eyes widened when I saw a ship through the viewport firing at us. There was no time to react. In a blinding flash, I was knocked to the floor. I hit my head hard. The last thing I remember before losing consciousness was the ship violently shaking.

I came to minutes later, and lifted my head. My companions were dead, buried, or impaled in rubble. Fortunately, the viewport transparisteel was still intact, with no hull breaches anywhere else. I gingerly crawled over to the lump on the floor that was Darth Revan. I had to know. I had to be sure.

I gazed down at him for several moments. I could hear him breathing softly through his mask, but barely. With trembling hands, I removed his mask. His yellow eyes were half-closed and vacant. I felt around his head. His hair was slick with blood. He was near death.

I stretched out in the Force, and tried to heal him. Only, it wasn't enough. I could feel him slip away even as I struggled to pull him back. Masters, forgive me. I was desperate to save him, to give him a second chance, to show him compassion. There was but one thing left I could think of.

Our old Force bond. Yes, it was severed—or, more precisely, it had faded away. But I could still feel it, much like an amputee can feel the missing appendage. I remembered that Revan had once told me how Force bonds could be used to heal. So I stretched out with my mind, feeling for it, willing our minds to connect. I promise you, Masters, it was not my intent to reawaken our bond, let alone make it so strong. But there was little time to think through the full implications of what I was doing. Of all things, I used my Battle Meditation to touch his mind, hoping that any remnant of our old bond would respond. All my energy I poured into him.

And just like that, he took a sharp breath. I collapsed beside him, spent.