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Chapter Twenty Five: You and I
You and I
Ah, the calm below that poisoned the river wild
You and I
Tears that dry on a rude awakened child
Where you look down
I've walked before
Burning holes
With eyes of liquid brown
If we had only known
In a way
We wouldn't reach this ground
You were my only home
Silver eyes
I want to see you shine
And we will feel the weight
Fall away from us in time
Searching our past for the true
You and I, you and I, you and I
All for you
Where you think you'll fall
I adore you
Where you shut your soul
I will open for you
If we had only known
In a way
We'd never reach this ground
I'll know
Silver eyes
I can see us shine
I said, we will feel the weight
Fall away from us in time
Searching our past for a true
You and I, you and I, you and I
All for you.
-"You and I" by Jeff Buckley
The next few days flew by as I packed and drove back to Charlie's house. He loved Christmas but, I knew if I didn't come home he'd probably ignore the entire day. Holidays hit him hard with Renee gone but he'd always made an effort for my sake. We cut down a tree and decorated it, and he hung a few lights on the outside of the house. I handed him a mug of hot cocoa when he came in, red faced and damp from the cold drizzle outside. We sat on the couch and I braced myself for the inevitable questions about how I was doing.
Sure enough a moment later he said, "So Bells, how did the semester go?"
"It was good. Exams went well and I should have at least a 3.8 this semester."
"Very good." He nodded. "Are you seeing anyone?"
I nearly choked on my hot chocolate.
"Seeing anyone? Just focusing on school really, hanging out with friends." I tried to change the subject. "Rosalie's back in Washington and we patched things up."
"I'm glad, I know you were really hurt when she left. I always wondered if it was over a boy or something," he said.
Luckily that time I didn't have a drink in my mouth. "You thought we were fighting over a boy?" I asked, astonished.
"Well, you guys have always been so close and I couldn't figure out what else would have caused it."
"Oh. Well, it was a misunderstanding that got blown way out of proportion. We're ok now."
"Glad to hear it."
Charlie lapsed back into silence and once I finished my cocoa I went upstairs to my room and turned on my laptop. A message popped up right away.
PianoGod: Bella? Has Forks ALWAYS been this boring?
BookGirl: Yeah, pretty much
PianoGod: I'm losing it over here and I've only been home for 5 hours
BookGirl: How long are you going to be in Forks?
PianoGod: Until the 27th
PianoGod: just kill me now or come over and distract me
BookGirl: We'll I'm not going to kill you, remember whose house I'm in. It would look bad for the police chief's daughter to be arrested for murder.
PianoGod: So you'll come over and keep me company?
BookGirl: Now?
PianoGod: Yes please, I'm desperate. I need you
BookGirl: *grins* glad to hear I'm one step from desperation
PianoGod: Very funny, you know that's not what I meant
PianoGod: So are you coming over? Pleeeease? I need you
BookGirl: Impatient much? What are you, 4?
PianoGod: If I am, the things we do would be very very wrong
BookGirl: *rolls eyes*
PianoGod: So, are you coming?
BookGirl: Fine, I'll come over, but you owe me
PianoGod: Mmm, I like the sound of that
BookGirl: Quiet you hornball, give me a few and I'll head out. I have a vague idea of where your parents' house is, but I'll call for the specifics when I get close
I was dreading telling Charlie that I was going out but I knew I needed to start acting more like an adult. I wasn't about to sneak out of the house to see a guy. Again. I ignored the fact that I'd just had that same boy sneak into the house a few weeks before. I ran a brush through my hair and made sure I was presentable and went downstairs.
"Hey, I'm going to head out for a little bit," I told him
He glanced away from whatever game he was watching to look at me. "Do you have to? I think the roads are pretty bad, it's kind of icy out there."
"Uh yeah, I want to hang out with a friend while they're home on break."
"Alright, just be careful."
"I will, see you later dad."
"Later, Bells."
I walked to the front door and shrugged on my heavy coat and was tying my boots when I heard Charlie call out, "Who are you going to see?"
Damn it, I thought, I was hoping he wasn't going to ask.
"Just my friend Edward."
"Edward Cullen?"
"Yes."
"Ok, say hi to his parents for me, I haven't seen Carlisle in a while."
"I will."
I escaped out the door and breathed a huge sigh of relief. Charlie knew we were friends, I'd mentioned him a handful of times the previous spring when Alice and I would go hang out at the guys' house. But the situation with Edward was complicated enough. I didn't want to try to come up with an explanation that wouldn't cause Charlie to have a heart attack. Somehow 'Oh he's just the guy I'm screwing' didn't seem like it would go over well. That would be one advantage if we were dating, at least I could explain that to Charlie. I called Edward when I got to the side of town he lived on and he gave me directions to the house and waited on the phone while I drove.
"I'm here," I said. "See you in a sec."
I gasped when I actually saw the house, it was a far cry from the average house in Forks. Warm light glowed from huge expanses of windows and it was striking, even in the dark.
"Holy shit, this place is amazing," I said when he answered the door.
He shrugged. "It's no big deal."
I laughed. "It's like living in a piece of art. It's gorgeous."
"Thanks." He grabbed my hand and tugged me toward the living room. "Here, you can meet my parents first," he paused, "if you don't mind."
"No, it's fine. Charlie wanted me to say hi anyway." I was lying, just the thought of it made me queasy with nerves but I didn't know what else to say. Frankly I was kind of freaked out by the idea of meeting his parents, but I had made a promise to Charlie and for whatever reason Edward wanted me to meet them.
I wiggled my hand in his, trying to get him to let go, but he squeezed tighter once we were in the living room which didn't help my nerves at all. Who introduced their friend with benefits, or whatever we were, to their parents? Especially holding hands. He was confusing the hell out of me lately.
His parents stood up to greet me with a smile and they were both stunning. Edward had his mother's coloring and his father's grin.
"This is Bella," Edward said.
His mother reached forward to hug me and Edward finally let go of my hand. Her hug was brief, but warm.
"It's so nice to meet you Bella. We've heard so much about you."
My eyes flew to Edward, I wondered if she was just being polite or if he had actually told them about me. But he wasn't looking at me.
"It's nice to meet you too. Your home is lovely."
"Thank you." Esme smiled at me and I couldn't help but smile back.
His father stepped forward and offered me his hand. "Very nice to meet you Bella."
"Nice to meet you too. Charlie, my father, he says hello." I managed to stutter out. Seeing Edward's smile on his father's face was a little disconcerting. Edward hadn't been kidding about his father aging well. Maybe we would be scandalizing people in the nursing home when we were in our eighties.
"Tell him I said hello too. I haven't seen him in a while. Although that's usually a good thing since we typically meet when he's working on a case."
I laughed. "Of course, I will."
"Bella and I are going to head upstairs," Edward said, grabbing my hand again.
"I hope to see you again soon Bella." Esme called out as we left the room.
Edward went up the stairs in front of me, but he put both hands behind his back to hold mine. He was unusually quiet and I wondered what was bothering him. He let go of my hands and ushered me into his room ahead of him. I paused in the doorway and felt him stop behind me.
Hundreds of cds lined the walls and other than a desk and a bed, everything else in the room was music related.
"Your room is incredible," I said and he gave me a genuine smile for the first time that night.
"Thanks. C'mon in."
I walked over to the shelves of cds and he closed the door behind us, locking it. He came over to stand behind me, running his hand up and down my arm gently.
"I'm surprised you keep all of your music here." I turned around to face him, looking up at his set jaw and the frown marring the smooth skin of his forehead.
"Oh, I have it all ripped to mp3's and backed up on a portable hard drive. So my files are with me at school and I don't have to haul around all of the cases." He shrugged.
"That makes sense." I stared at Edward for a moment, there was a weird tension in the air and I couldn't figure out what was going on. Something felt very off. "Are you ok Edward?" I asked.
He sighed and sat down on the bed, motioning for me to come over. I stood in front of him and he wrapped his arms around my waist and he rested his forehead against my stomach. I stroked his hair gently and he sighed again.
"You weren't bored tonight, were you?"
"No, I just needed to see you. I'm a mess, Bella." He looked up at me and his eyes were sad.
"Why didn't you tell me that? You know I would have come over if you told me you needed me."
"I…I don't know, I guess I'm not using to asking for help…"
I nodded, I wasn't always very good at it either, although it came more naturally for me with Edward than it did with anyone else. I was really worried about him, I'd never seen him look that way before.
"So what's going on?" I ran my hand across his cheek and he leaned into my touch.
"I don't even know. I just feel like everything's coming together at once, and I don't know what I want to do with my life. The damn trip to Italy is screwing it all up." He sighed and sat back, tugging at my hand and I climbed onto the bed beside him.
"What is it screwing up?"
"Well, the band for one. We're really clicking and we got a couple of offers for some great gigs, but we can't do it because I'm going to be gone for five months."
I nodded. "That sucks."
"Yeah, I know." He ran his hand through his hair and it made his already messy hair even worse.
"What else?" I asked.
"Well, I was kind of freaking out when you told me about the Rosalie thing, thinking that we were going to have to end this."
"Yeah, that was on my mind too."
"And I'm really glad she's okay with it, because I didn't want it to end. But now I'm leaving for Italy in a few weeks…" his voice trailed off.
"Do you want to end it because of that?" I asked, my heart in my throat.
"What? No. Of course not," he paused and looked at me, "unless you do?"
"No, I don't." Somewhere in the back of mind my brain was screaming that a purely physical relationship couldn't continue when we were thousands of miles apart. But it wasn't purely physical, was it? He had told me that, that it wasn't just sex. Fuck, it was all so confusing. I didn't know which way was up anymore or what to believe. Tell him how you feel about him, my brain screamed, but the words died in my throat and all I could do was clutch at his hand.
"Good. But it's going to suck. A whole semester without you? I don't even want to think about it."
"Yeah, it will suck," I admitted. "But you're going to be so busy there with classes and exploring the city…you won't even notice it. It'll go by fast."
He shook his head. "I'll notice you not being there." He fell back onto the bed, staring at the ceiling. "I wish you could come with me."
I lay down beside him. "That would be nice. I'd love to see Italy."
"You have to promise you'll be around to talk to on the phone and over IM," he said. He turned to look at me. "I'm going to be lonely."
My heart twisted at the look on his face. If I let myself believe it, I'd think he really cared about me. Cared about me as more than just a friend and a lover. Maybe even that he loved me. I felt simultaneously elated and nervous at the thought.
"Of course," I said. "But I'm sure you'll meet tons of people. You won't even have time to get on Skype and seduce me and leave me all hot and bothered and unsatisfied."
His eyes darkened and he pulled me tight against him. "God I'm going to miss you Bella."
He kissed me and it was raw. We were both right on the edge, our emotions too close to the surface and the kiss he gave me was almost bruising.
"Fuck, I want to take my time but I can't." he panted. When he shifted his weight to pull my clothes off, the bed squeaked.
"Damn, that's going to be a problem, but I have an idea."
He tugged me into his walk in closet and I glanced around. It was huge and mostly empty.
Hurriedly he tugged off my clothes and then his own and kissed me. It was hungry and desperate and I heard myself moan. He gently spun me around and pushed me up against the wall.
"Spread your legs, beautiful," he demanded and I shuddered at the rough needy sound of his voice.
He pressed up against me, running his fingers between my legs. I was soaking wet already and he sighed when he felt it.
"Always so wet for me," he rasped in my ear. He tugged at me so I was braced against the wall and standing on my toes. He grasped his cock in his fist and aligned it with my entrance. I pushed my hips back toward him, eager as always. He thrust into me and I moaned quietly.
"Fuck that feels good, Edward."
"I know," he growled.
One of his hands tangled in my hair and he wasn't gentle while he fucked me. I shivered, and gritted my teeth to keep from making too much noise. As lost as I was in a haze of lust, I remembered I had to be quiet with his parents downstairs. His other hand gripped my hip, hard. I wondered if there would be bruises and decided I didn't really care. The angle was incredible and I could feel myself starting to shake already. I braced myself against the wall as he groaned and thrust harder into me.
"Shit Edward. I'm getting close."
He tugged at my hair again and he yanked it aside. His teeth closed in on my neck and he bit down. I felt a flush of heat go through my entire body and the walls of my pussy clenched down on his cock. With his mouth still buried against my neck, he let out a strangled moan and shuddered into me. We stood there in silence, my brain trying to process what had just happened. He placed gentle, apologetic kisses over where he had marked me and his thumb rubbed softly over the place it had gripped my hip so hard before.
Neither of spoke until my shaking legs demanded that I move. I gently pushed him away from me and turned to face him. He still looked a little sad but his hand cupped my face to caress my cheek. I shivered in the cool air and he tugged a blanket down from one of the shelves and spread it out on the floor. He sat down and pulled me into his lap, wrapping another one around us.
"Mmmm," he purred. "I'm going to miss the way you smell."
I laughed. "I'll be sure to give you one of my sweatshirts to take with you to Italy to tide you over." I was kidding, but he took me seriously.
"I'd like that."
"Oh, I was joking actually."
He looked uncomfortable. "Sorry, didn't mean to weird you out or anything."
"No, you didn't weird me out. It's kind of flattering actually. Although I can't promise it'll still smell so good in May by the time you come home."
He laughed. "By then it'll probably smell like me."
There was something indescribably sweet about the idea of him wanting to have something of mine with him while he was gone.
"Well, I'll tell you what, you give me something of yours and I'll give you something of mine."
"Deal." He looked at me from under his long eyelashes. "I have to confess though, I actually have something of yours already."
"What do you have?" I was curious.
"Uh. God, don't kill me, Bella, I swear I'm not a pervert."
I laughed. "Yes you are, but you're a cute one. So what of mine do you have you dirty boy?"
He grinned at me. "Your underwear."
"What?" I sat upright, almost hitting him in the nose with the top of my head.
"Easy killer." He pulled me close again. "You almost clobbered me there."
"No changing the subject. Why do you have my underwear you perv?"
"I told you you'd call me that." He looked smug. "Anyway," he said before I could interrupt again, "I have them from the night by the lake. They must have been caught up in the blanket when I grabbed it. I noticed it when I got home. In fact they fell out on the middle of the living room floor in front of Emmett and Jasper."
I turned red. "Well, I'm officially embarrassed."
"It isn't like I waved them around and said 'oh look guys, I have Bella's underwear'."
"I know, it just makes me feel strange."
"They've seen your underwear before."
"Oh right. I keep trying to forget that damn poker party…" I groaned and rested my head back against his shoulder.
"I don't want to," he said, his voice dropping from a teasing tone to something deeper and more intense. His fingers combed through my wild, messy curls and tilted my chin up so he could see me better. "I don't want to forget the way you looked that night. Or the way you smelled, or how much I really really wanted to touch those tits of yours." His fingers snaked under the blanket and I made a grab for it before it fell off of our shoulders as his hands did just that. His thumbs rubbed across my nipples and I moaned quietly.
"I wish you had."
"Mmm, me too. They fit in my hands so nicely," he purred in my ear. "Did you notice how hard I was for you that night?"
"No."
"Oh Bella, I was. So hard." His hips thrust up at me and I felt him hardening beneath me already. "I wondered what you'd taste like. If your lips were as soft and if your pussy was as sweet as I imagined."
"Unnnh." I could only make a low, wordless sound of pleasure at his words and touch. In almost no time at all he had me panting with desire. His thumb leisurely brushed back and forth over my painfully hard nipple as his other hand moved down over my stomach to the apex of my thighs.
"I didn't want to help you put your bra back on, I wanted to rip it off of you." His fingers slid between my lips and I bucked hard against him.
"I wanted to forget that anyone else was there. I just wanted you laid out on the dining room table, your legs spread, my head between your thighs," he rasped in my ear, fucking me hard with his fingers as I panted with pleasure. I turned my head and kissed him hard, my lips and tongue greedy for his. I wanted his dirty words, but I needed the connection to him even more.
When I finally pulled away we were both breathing hard. He continued to drive his fingers even harder into my body and I writhed against him.
"I wanted my cock buried inside you, I wanted you to scream my name and scratch my back and come around me," he panted. "I wanted you to be mine."
The surprising words snapped the last bit of self-restraint I'd been holding onto and my back arched as I came, my inner walls tightening around his fingers. I slumped back against him, breathing hard and he kissed my temple softly.
A good while later, when both my brain and body had finally recovered, I was reminded of what had started the conversation in the first place.
"So go back to explaining why you never gave my underwear back to me." I felt boneless and exhausted from the pleasure he'd given me. I lay back against his shoulder, cradled in his arms.
"Well, you never asked."
I rolled my eyes. "I thought I'd left them there. My first thought wasn't that you were hoarding them. Do I even want to know what you do with them?"
"Well I don't sniff them or anything,' he said, making a face at me. "I just kind of like the idea of having something of yours."
"Uh huh," I said. "Possessive, much?"
He grinned. "Maybe a little. Alright, my legs are starting to fall asleep, let's move this back to the bed."
I sighed and stood up. "I should probably head home soon."
He stood up and wrapped his arms around me. "Nope. You're staying here."
I raised an eyebrow at him, "Are you sure you're really prepared to have Chief Swan bust into your parents' house and find us in bed together?" He winced. "That's what I thought. How about I stay for a couple hours and then head home?"
He sighed. "Fine, that'll have to do. You're staying over at my place on New Years though, promise?"
"I promise. Now let me go, I'm freezing."
I crawled into bed and he slid in beside me. I glanced at the clock, and sighed. "Ugh, it's midnight already. I'll set the alarm on my phone for two am just in case we fall asleep or something."
"I can't decide what I want more, to stay awake with you or to fall asleep with you." Edward said. He pulled me close and I relaxed into him.
"Yeah, they both sound nice."
"So what are your plans for Christmas?" he asked.
"Oh, we don't do much on Christmas Eve. I usually bake cookies and Charlie watches whatever's on TV. Wrap a few presents. Nothing spectacular. But Christmas Day we get up early and have breakfast and open gifts. And in the afternoon we go over to Billy's house. The Clearwaters come over with a few other people from the res and we have a big dinner. Sue and I usually cook most of it."
"That sounds nice."
"Yeah, it is. What about you?"
"Christmas Eve is our big thing. We do a huge dinner in front of the fire, my mom usually cooks. I have a couple of aunts and uncles that come over, we only see them a few times a year so it's nice. And once dinner is over we open presents and stuff. Christmas Day is really low key; we open our stockings and a gift from Santa." I tried not to giggle. "Yes Bella, I still get stuff from Santa even though I'm twenty four. Esme is a firm believer in tradition."
"I guess so. That's kind of nice though. I'm pretty sure Charlie would skip the whole holiday if it weren't for me. He actually loves Christmas but I think it reminds him too much of Renee."
Her being gone hurt all of a sudden. I hadn't seen her or talked to her since I was about six or seven, but the idea of having a family with both parents always seemed especially nice at Christmas.
"Are you sad?" Edward asked.
"A little," I admitted and yawned. "And apparently sleepy."
He stroked my hair and pressed his face into the back of my neck.
"Sleep then, sweet dreams." he whispered just before I fell asleep.
I was disoriented a couple of hours later when the alarm on my phone went off and it took me a few minutes to remember where I was and why the alarm was set. I finally managed to get it turned off and I dove back under the covers. The air was cool on my bare skin and I shivered.
"Are you sure you have to go?" Edward's voice was groggy and he still looked half asleep.
"Unfortunately. Although I'm really not feeling motivated to, your room is cold."
"I know, sorry. I like it cold while I sleep. I just pile a lot of blankets on."
"I noticed. It is nice for sleeping, it just makes me want to never get out of bed."
"Part of my evil plan. I bet I can come up with a few other ways to keep you from wanting to get out of bed too."
"I bet you can."
He moved his head under the covers until he could reach my breasts. I moaned when his lips teased one, and then the other.
"You are evil," I muttered as his hands moved down between my legs.
I was still wet and sensitive from earlier and I shuddered when he touched my clit. He moved beneath the covers and parted my legs. Without any further teasing he dove between my legs, licking and teasing me.
"Unnhh, Edward," I moaned quietly.
I guided his head with my hands and I shuddered when he scraped his teeth across my clit.
"I want you inside of me," I whispered and he slid up my body.
When he was inside of me we rocked slowly together, mindful of the squeaky bed. His mouth covered my neck in soft teasing bites and I writhed under him. He spread my knees wider so he could fit himself deeper inside of me and I came with a soft shuddering sigh. He came hard, his face buried against my neck, breathing harshly against me. He sighed and rolled over, pulling me with him. He traced idle patterns across my back and I played with his hair, suddenly drowsy again.
I yawned and stretched. "I really need to get going Edward. Remember the man with the badge and the shotgun."
"Damn him," Edward muttered. "Are you sure you really need a father?"
I poked his side lightly. "Yes I'm sure. You're not killing my father just so you can have a warm Bella to sleep next to."
"Well, that wouldn't be the only reason," he teased. "There's always the sex at any hour of the night."
"Mmhmm. Nice try buddy."
Edward grabbed a blanket and wrapped it around himself and got out of bed.
"Let me get your clothes, they can warm up for a sec and you can dress under the covers."
I laughed. "You're sweet."
"So you keep telling me." He tucked the clothes under the covers and sat on the bed beside me. "Hey, do you want to do dinner tomorrow night?"
"Sure, tomorrow will work. Where are we going?"
"It's a surprise."
"A surprise? Alright. What should I wear though?"
"Nothing." He leered at me and I shook my head.
"You have a very short term memory for fathers with guns. Also, it's December, I would really prefer not to freeze my bits off."
"Good point. I happen to like your bits."
"Anyway…dress code? Any help here?"
"Wear something nice. It doesn't have to be fancy, but nice."
"A nice restaurant huh? Let me guess you're buttering me up before telling me all about your forty seven wives. Or maybe you have some deep dark devious fantasy you want to try out."
He laughed. "No, I don't have any wives and you already know all of my deep dark devious fantasies. I just wanted to take you out to dinner and it's one of my favorite places. I think you'll like it."
"I'm sure I will. So what time?"
"You're very nosy, you know that?"
"Wanting to know the time is not being nosy." I stuck my tongue out at him.
He laughed. "Does six o'clock sound ok?"
"Sure. Are you sure you want to pick me up though? The man with the gun will be there. I can just meet you somewhere else if you want."
"I'm not afraid of the man with the gun."
I laughed. "Yes you are."
"Alright, yes I am. But I'll meet him anyway. You had to meet my parents tonight."
"True, but they're really not that scary. Unless Esme was packing heat."
"Ha. Not that I'm aware of."
"I should get dressed." I sighed.
"Putting clothing on you should be a crime."
"Tell Charlie that tomorrow."
"Hmm, tempting…but no."
"Also, remember what I said about not wanting frozen bits."
"Well you could wrap in blankets and stuff, and shoes would be ok. I just want easy access."
"Do you realize how clumsy I can be? That could get kind of dangerous."
He laughed and kissed me. "You know, you say that…but I don't think I've seen you trip over anything in a long time."
"Huh, you're right. I know I'm more aware of my body now. Maybe that's it."
"So the cure for clumsiness is sex?"
I shrugged. "Maybe for me."
"Hmm, well I'll be sure you get your recommended daily allotment then."
"That's so thoughtful of you," I teased him. I wiggled into my clothes and got out of bed.
"I'll walk you to the door."
"You'll freeze," I protested.
"I told you, I like it cold."
He pulled on pajama pants and wrapped the blanket around himself and followed me out of his room. His parents had gone to bed and the house was dark and quiet. He pressed me up against the front door to kiss me goodbye.
"Are you sure you have to leave?" he whispered.
"Yes." I kissed him and he sighed and let me go. "I'll see you tomorrow."
He gave me a brilliant smile. "Tomorrow."
I drove home in a daze, feeling for some reason like something huge had changed between us, but I wasn't sure what it was. I fingered the mark he'd left on my neck. It was slightly tender and I realized I was going to have to have to wear my hair down to hide it. There had been something very primal and possessive about the way he had taken me that night in the closet and leaving a mark on me just reinforced that. I liked it, in a way it connected me to him and marked me as being his. Even if it wasn't true, I liked the idea that it could be. That maybe someday it would be.
It's slow progress I know, but they are starting to get a little better about talking.
-What did you think about their conversation?
-Do you think Edward intends their dinner to be a date?
Story Rec:
Crash Into Me by eibbil: Hollywood It Girl, Bella Swan, needs a vacation. Best friend/PA Alice convinces her to spend it in her hometown, but a reckless driver changes their plans. Will Bella get the rest she needs in the care of Alice's brother..or something much better? AH/AU
I can be a little iffy about Hollywood fics, but this one is wonderfully written. Fantastic dialogue, great chemistry between the characters and the perfect amount of humor. The difficulties Edward and Bella face are realistic, and not over the top. And although it's not all smooth sailing, it's not major angst either. Read it!