Disclaimer: This story is not mine and neither is Glee.
"Hi," Santana greeted Tina and Quinn as she carefully slid into an empty chair at the desk behind the pair of them in home room.
"Hey San," Quinn said, waving her hand slightly in welcome, a smile on her lips.
"Hi," Tina replied, her eyes scanning the empty space behind Santana for something. "Where's Rachel?" she asked concerned.
Santana pulled her notebook and a pen out of her bag, placing it on the desk in front of her as she answered.
"The hospital," Santana informed Tina openly. "She has another appointment with her doctor today." Santana sighed as she threw her bag onto the floor at her feet. "I wouldn't be sitting here otherwise." She continued sadly, sharing a meaningful look with the taller girl.
"She hates me," Tina said to no one in particular.
"She doesn't hate you," Quinn reassured Tina, rubbing her arm comfortingly with her hand. "She's just got a lot going on right now…"
"It's been two weeks since she last spoke to me," Tina interceded dejectedly. "She definitely hates me."
"She doesn't," Santana reiterated, leaning her elbows onto the desk in front of her. "Quinn's right Tina. She's just…" Santana paused for a moment trying to think of the best way to describe Rachel's current state. "Struggling," she finally settled on, reaching one hand forward and placing it on Tina's shoulder, prompting her to meet Santana's gaze. "Try to give her a little more time," Santana suggested. "She'll come around eventually. You two have been friends too long for her to just throw it all away. She's not upset with you. Not really."
"She could have fooled me," Tina replied sadly. "She's barely even looked at me since it happened…I can still remember the look on her face when I opened the door to let her dad in…it was like I'd stabbed her in the gut with a blunt knife…"
"She'll get over it soon enough," Quinn said trying to stay optimistic and repeating Santana's previous opinion. "You'll see."
"I don't think she will," Tina countered. "We've never fought like this before. I can't even remember the last time we went longer than twenty four hours without talking to each other…I mean, willingly that is." Tina clarified. "Obviously there was…I mean…after the accident we…but…that was different." Tina expressed and Santana knitted her brow together thoughtfully.
"Didn't she and her family come to your house for Thanksgiving dinner last week?" Santana asked remembering that she and Rachel had discussed it briefly. "She must have spoken to you then…"
"Not one word," Tina admitted. "Our parents even sat us together at the table and she still managed to maintain radio silence."
"She didn't say anything?" Santana asked Tina disappointed. "Nothing?"
"Nada," Tina repeated, playing mindlessly with the bracelet on her wrist that Rachel had bought her as a gift a few years ago. Tina raised her eyes to look at Santana after a moment, desperate for more information regarding Rachel's current condition and the reason for her newest visit to the hospital. "She's…alright though?" Tina asked Santana worriedly. "I mean, she's ok…"
"She's…ok." Santana said thinking about Rachel and her recent difficulties. "It's just a routine follow-up appointment today. At least, that's what she told me. Sometimes I wonder whether she tells me everything that's going on with her." Santana admitted.
"They still think it's her medication?" Tina asked continuing to fiddle with the bracelet around her wrist. "They're sure that it's got nothing to do with her head injury?"
"The doctors did a lot of scans and investigations when they admitted her after…you know…" Santana trailed off, not wanting to directly refer to the events that had followed their group date when Tina had stayed over and woken to find Rachel, in the midst of a nightmare with her nose bleeding heavily. "Everything came back normal according to her dad. The scans didn't show anything new and her blood work was all clear."
"Is she still getting the nosebleeds?" Quinn questioned with interest.
"Not as much," Santana replied. "She had one a couple of days ago but they're nowhere near as bad as they used to be. The doctors are hoping that changing the Aspirin and Naproxen she takes to something else will stop them from happening in future."
"I can't believe they admitted her," Tina said wretchedly. "She hates that place…she was so scared that's what would happen…"
"Tina you did the right thing," Santana reassured her.
"It doesn't feel like it," Tina replied. "Sometimes I wish I'd just done as she'd asked and kept my mouth shut."
"Well, I'm glad that you didn't," Santana admitted genuinely. "I could have killed her when I found out what happened. I thought she was getting better at sharing things with us…I don't understand why she'd hide something that could have potentially been really serious…"
"She was terrified," Tina interjected. "I don't think I've ever seen her look so scared in the whole time that I've known her. She couldn't bear the idea of having to go back in to hospital and look what happened…"
"Rachel will realise that it was for the best," Quinn offered. "She knows you were only doing what you thought was right Tina. You were worried about her…"
"I'm a complete traitor in her eyes though," Tina cut Quinn off. "The seizures…they weren't planned…so…she had to go back in to hospital. She had no choice in the matter, but, this, it was something she could control and I took that from her."
She paused for a moment to look between Quinn and Santana before continuing.
"Now look what's happened." Tina went on. "We can't even hang out together anymore. I mean, it's Wednesday and you'll be with Rachel," she said nodding in Santana's direction, "and I'll be with Quinn and Brittany. It'll be the first Wednesday since the start of the school year that we've not all spent together…well, except when we were with family last week for the holiday."
"Tina this isn't your fault," Santana told her squeezing her shoulder sympathetically. "You've tried to talk to her…"
"I know and look where that's gotten me," Tina interrupted. "Absolutely nowhere. She still won't even acknowledge my presence half the time."
"I'll try talking to her again," Santana promised.
"No don't," Tina told her firmly. "I really don't want to cause any problems for the two of you." She said sincerely. "Rachel needs someone around and she'll push you away if you try to force her hand. She's so stubborn sometimes…"
"You're telling me," Santana muttered in understanding.
"Please just…make sure she's alright, ok?" Tina asked. "Promise me that you'll look out for her?"
"I promise," Santana told Tina compassionately, a sad smile on her lips. "You know that I will Tina."
"I know," she agreed. "Thank you for keeping me informed with everything that has been going on with her." Tina continued appreciatively. "I've been worrying myself sick thinking up all the possible things that could be wrong. It scared the crap out of me to see her like that….there was blood everywhere…"
Santana squeezed Tina's shoulder kindly before moving her hand down and placing it on top of the other girls'.
"It's nothing serious," Santana reassured her. "The doctors aren't too concerned so, try not to worry about it, alright?"
"I'm trying," Tina responded, "but it's just, she looks so tired and withdrawn all the time." Tina noted. "I can't help but worry, especially when she was doing so well."
Santana sighed as she thought about the obvious changes in her since her readmission to the hospital.
"She's not really sleeping," Santana told Tina, wanting to share as much information with her as possible to try and allay her discernible concerns. "Since they've changed her medication she's been getting a lot more headaches and her left hand has been really painful. They haven't really found the right replacement pills for her yet…"
"Is her speech still alright?" Tina asked feeling guilty.
"It…comes and goes," Santana admitted. "It really depends on how tired she is, but, she's been quiet in herself as well. I think she misses having you around to be honest," Santana confessed. "She's just too proud to admit it."
"Can you do something for me?" Tina asked removing the bracelet from around her wrist and holding it out for Santana. "Can you please give this back to her for me?"
"Didn't she give this to you?" Santana asked taking the bracelet from her uncertainly.
"Yeah," Tina said, "but it feels like its burning a mark into my wrist every time I wear it. She should have it back."
"Ok," Santana said placing the bracelet into her pocket. "I'll give it to her during math."
"Tell her…" Tina started but, she changed her mind at the last minute.
"Tell her what?" Santana asked probingly.
"Just…tell her that I'm really sorry, alright?" Tina asked. "That's it, just that I'm really sorry for everything."
"I will," Santana assured her just as Miss Holliday stood from her seat at the front of the class to share some announcements and take registration. Tina, Quinn and Santana had no other opportunity to discuss their currently fractured group and Rachel's health any further before next period and when the bell rang, they separated to go to their respective classes.
Santana had French class following home room on a Wednesday and sat, her mind preoccupied with thoughts of how Rachel's appointment went, her hands playing mindlessly with the bracelet that Tina had asked her to return. Santana studied the bracelet closely in her hands as she thought, sighing inwardly at the mess Rachel was in. She'd been miserable ever since that day, when Tina had gone against her wishes and allowed her dad into the room to find her bloodied and pale. Rachel's parents had almost instantly taken her down to the emergency room, barely hesitating long enough for Rachel to change into a pair of sweats and a hoody. Tina had stayed behind to look after Beth until her grandma arrived and then slept over until morning when she'd gotten a ride to school with Quinn.
The doctors had kept Rachel in hospital for three days, running various tests and completing a multitude of investigations. Santana had visited her every day after school anxious with worry about the cause of the nosebleeds. Rachel had been quiet for the most part, but, she had allowed Santana to hold her close, burying herself into her chest when she'd climbed up onto the hospital bed with her. Tina had attempted to visit numerous times over the course of Rachel's admission but, each time she'd arrived, Tina was met with complete and utter silence, Rachel ignoring any attempts at communication she'd made. Finally, after finding that all Rachel's other tests had come back clean, the doctors had discharged her, putting the nosebleeds down to the various medications she was taking, in particular her anti-inflammatories and analgesics whose side effects, often included nosebleeds.
Rachel's doctor had immediately changed her prescriptions to try and reduce the same thing happening in future. However, not only had Rachel still suffered from further nosebleeds periodically, she had also been suffering from a higher incidence of what were sometimes debilitating headaches and excruciating wrist pain. Santana thought back to how happy Rachel had been that afternoon whilst they'd practiced hitting balls down at the batting cages and conducted food challenges at Jimmy's diner. Tina had been right when she'd told Santana to embrace the good days because lately, they seemed to be few and far between, peppered sporadically amongst what seemed to be an ever increasing number of bad ones.
Following her French class, Santana made her way towards math and hoped that Rachel would be present, her appointment not running into the class. Santana felt herself relax with relief as she entered the familiar classroom to find her girlfriend occupying her usual seat by the window and she made her way across the space between them, dropping herself down into the vacant seat at Rachel's side. Rachel didn't turn to look at Santana immediately, apparently unaware of her arrival, her attention focused on something of interest on the other side of the glass, her mind obviously preoccupied on other things.
"Rach," Santana said her voice soft as she placed a hand gently on Rachel's arm to get her attention. "Is everything alright?"
Rachel turned her face to look at Santana and smiled at her sleepily.
"Yeah," Rachel answered, reaching over with her other hand to take the one Santana had placed on her arm. She rubbed the back of Santana's hand unconsciously and returned to glancing out the window.
"So," Santana started hesitatingly. "How did it go at the hospital?"
Rachel dropped her gaze to the table for a minute before glancing back at Santana, her eyes not quite meeting her girlfriends' bright ones.
"Fine," Rachel said in response, her eyelids dropping heavily for a second. "They took some more blood," Rachel informed her, holding out her left arm and showing Santana the small beige plaster which had been stuck over where the needle had marked her.
"You seem tired," Santana commented, reaching a hand up and brushing Rachel's forehead gently with her fingertips.
"I am," Rachel admitted, her eyelids dropping heavily again.
"Should you be here?" Santana asked her seriously, but the look Rachel gave her in response told her that there would be no convincing her to go home.
"I'm fine," Rachel replied a little too harshly and Santana flinched internally at her tone.
Santana brushed Rachel's forehead again and she closed her eyes, tilting her head into the palm of Santana's hand, resting it there as Santana leant forward to kiss her brow soothingly.
"I'm sorry," Santana apologised again, the words quickly becoming the most used in her vocabulary over the last few weeks. It seemed like she couldn't have one conversation with Rachel anymore without feeling the need to apologise for something. Most of the time she didn't even know what she'd done to warrant the need for it.
"No I'm sorry," Rachel countered. "I'm just…so tired."
"I know," Santana said in understanding, stroking her brow again. "Do you have a headache?" Santana asked her worriedly.
"Yeah a little," Rachel admitted. "It's not too bad though. I've had worse."
"Have you taken something?" Santana asked her.
"I'm maxed out," Rachel responded a hint of irritation in her voice. "I think that's why I'm so tired…"
"Your speech doesn't seem too bad," Santana noted positively.
"Give it an hour," Rachel replied shortly. "I'm sure I'll be incoherent by lunch."
"Rach," Santana said sadly, as Rachel held her head in her right hand, massaging her temple. Santana rubbed Rachel's back soothingly. "Can I do anything?"
"No," Rachel answered lifting her gaze to look at Santana.
"How about we go out tonight and get something to eat?" Santana suggested in an attempt to lift Rachel's mood.
"I'm not really feeling up to it," Rachel replied honestly. "I think I'd just rather stay in."
"Ok," Santana responded, her voice betraying the rejection that she felt.
Rachel scrunched up her nose and furrowed her brow on hearing Santana's tone and sighed.
"I know it's boring," she said misunderstanding Santana's response. "You don't have to come over if you'd rather hang out at Quinn's…I guess I'm kind of a sucky girlfriend at the moment…" she mused.
"No it's not that," Santana said kissing the side of Rachel's cheek in an attempt to reassure her. "I just…I didn't think you wanted me to come over. I thought you meant that you wanted to be alone."
Rachel met Santana's gaze and reached up her hand to move a stray strand of hair out of her eyes.
"Please come over," Rachel pleaded with her.
"Of course I'll come over," Santana told her squeezing Rachel's left hand and cursing herself mentally when she saw her wince in discomfort.
"I know you didn't sign up for this," Rachel said evidently angry at herself for not being able to be the girlfriend she thought Santana deserved.
"It's ok," Santana reassured her. "You're just having a bad day, that's all."
"That's all I seem to have at the moment," Rachel commented dryly.
"Perhaps you should talk to Tina?" Santana tried, sensing that their rift was playing a larger part in Rachel's mood than she was admitting.
"No," Rachel said simply.
"Rach she's really worried about you," Santana tried. "She feels awful about what happened and she misses you."
Santana paused for a moment to gauge Rachel's reaction to her words but all they were met with was apathy.
"I know that you miss her too," Santana told her sensitively.
Rachel looked at Santana with a miserable expression on her face and for one second, Santana thought that Rachel was about to burst out in tears she appeared so despondent.
"She gave me this to give to you," Santana said when Rachel didn't say anything in response. Santana reached into her pocket and pulled out the bracelet Tina had given her earlier and handed it to Rachel who studied it with an unreadable expression on her face.
"I gave this to her," Rachel noted finally, having turned the bracelet over in her hands a few times. "It…was a present. She…she doesn't want it anymore?" Rachel asked her meeting Santana's eyes.
"She told me to tell you that she's sorry for everything that happened," Santana shared with Rachel, sensing an opportunity. "She feels awful Rach."
"She shouldn't," Rachel answered and Santana felt hopeful at the words. "She didn't do anything wrong."
"So you'll talk to her?" Santana asked optimistically.
"No," Rachel replied and Santana furrowed her brow in confusion.
"Why?" Santana asked puzzled.
"I just…can't," Rachel replied dropping her gaze.
"Rach," Santana started to say but her sentence was interrupted by Mr Schuester arriving to take the class, himself being double certified as a math and history teacher.
They had a test scheduled for today so Santana was unable to probe Rachel's reluctance to talk to Tina further until lunch when they were sat together at lunch across the cafeteria from where Quinn, Brittany and the girl in question sat. Rachel had been decidedly quiet since math class and Santana watched her now as she sat eating her sandwich, the bracelet that she'd given Tina now firmly secured around her own wrist alongside the matching one she owned. Santana saw Rachel look in Tina's direction subtly out of the corner of her eye and decided that this was her opportunity to broach the topic once more.
"Go and talk to her," Santana prompted encouragingly. "She'll talk to you Rach. She's been desperate to talk to you for two weeks."
"I don't want to talk to her," Rachel answered taking another bite of her sandwich and looking towards the table Tina occupied once again.
Santana looked over her shoulder and smiled when she saw Tina looking back at the two of them with a sad expression on her face. Tina waved at Santana and Rachel inquisitively but only Santana responded, Rachel choosing to continue to stare at the other girl for a moment before turning her attention back to her lunch.
"What are you doing Rach?" Santana asked her earnestly. "You're both clearly miserable…"
"Please just drop it Santana," Rachel cut her off despairingly.
"No I don't get it," Santana told her glancing over her shoulder at Tina again to see her still looking in their direction. "You don't hate her and you don't blame her, but, you won't forgive her?"
Rachel dropped her sandwich on to the table her appetite lost and she massaged her temple again, scrunching up her face as she did so.
"Please, just…leave it," Rachel said, closing her eyes for a moment.
"Rach this is ridiculous," Santana said in disbelief. "Tina loves you…she was trying to help…"
"She didn't help!"Rachel practically spat out, tears threatening the corners of her eyes. "She didn't alright."
"You just said that it wasn't her fault," Santana said surprised at the venom in Rachel's voice. "You said that she didn't do anything wrong…"
"I know she was trying to do the right thing," Rachel said rubbing at her eyes, "I know that. Honestly, I do…"
"Then what's the problem?" Santana asked her.
"I am," Rachel told her. "I'm the problem Santana."
"Rachel you're not…" Santana said, moving her hand to place it on Rachel's left forearm.
"Please don't touch me," Rachel said removing her arm out from under Santana's touch, self-loathing etched in her voice. "Please…" she beseeched.
"I'm sorry," Santana apologised, those now familiar words coming all too reflexively.
Rachel dropped her head into her hands and chuckled to herself, a manic, somewhat disturbing sound it was so misplaced in the moment.
"You're sorry," Rachel said, "Tina's sorry, my doctors are sorry, everyone is fucking sorry…" she continued.
"Ok, don't do this to yourself Rach," Santana said, ensuring that she restrained the hand that was itching to reach for Rachel's chin and turn her face up to look at her.
"Don't be angry," Rachel said appearing lost in her own thoughts, the words trickling out of her mouth as soon as her brain had conceived them. "Don't get upset, don't get frustrated or…or annoyed."
She paused for a minute lifting her eyes to Santana's.
"You're doing really well," Rachel said mimicking everyone that she'd ever heard those words from her tone mocking. "You're getting better every day; making improvements…you should be pleased with your progress…"
"I'm not getting better Santana," Rachel said angrily after a moment when Santana had not said anything in response, all words lost to her. Rachel clutched at the side of her head as she continued. "I'm not…and you stick around like one day I'll wake up and finally be the person that you deserve…"
"You know that's not…" Santana began but Rachel was slowly spiralling and she'd already stopped listening to anyone else except the voice in her head which kept telling her that she was a failure and an idiot. The voice that constantly made her question her continued existence, whether it was all worth the struggles she faced on a daily basis.
"First the seizures…" Rachel continued unimpeded, "and then the nosebleeds…and the pain, the constant, pounding, ache in my head and the burning in my arm, the pins and needles…"
"Rach calm down babe," Santana said reaching forward to put a hand on her shoulder and stopping at the last minute, remembering Rachel's previous reaction. "Just breathe…its ok."
"It's not ok," Rachel said, hearing but not listening. She was completely unaware of Santana's presence, her mind racing, rambling, "I failed that test, I didn't even answer any of the questions…I couldn't concentrate…"
Santana sucked in a deep breath and she glanced over at Tina who was watching them, evidently concerned, from where she sat. Tina made a move to stand up but Santana stayed her by raising her hand.
"Rach…look at me…" Santana pleaded, tears stinging the corner of her eyes and threatening to spill over. "It's me Santana…just…calm down…babe, don't get yourself worked up…you'll have another…"
As she said it, Santana noted the pool of blood forming at the opening to Rachel's left nostril and felt her stomach drop, Rachel's agitation bringing on another nosebleed as she thought it might.
"What's wrong?" Santana asked leaning forward and holding out a tissue for Rachel, which she either did not see or chose to ignore. "Why are you doing this?" Santana asked her. "You were doing so well…"
"I fucking hate myself," Rachel said loudly in response.
There it is again, Santana thought as Rachel finally expressed the same self-loathing which she'd suffered with since they'd first met and as before, Santana's heart broke at the sound of the words as they left Rachel's lips.
"I'm fucking useless," Rachel shouted standing up and banging her hands on the table, causing her to wince in pain. She pulled her left arm up into her chest, cradling it with her right. "Shit," she said and Santana stood up anxious, noting that Tina had followed suit from the corner of her eye.
Students were watching the interaction now and Santana couldn't help but feel self-conscious as Rachel continued.
"I can't fucking stand it," Rachel shouted, her face growing red and her breath coming fast. "It's such fucking bullshit…it's…it's….fucking shit."
Santana noted movement out of the corner of her eye and was almost positive that it was Tina but she couldn't tear her eyes away from Rachel, her mind torn with what to do for the best. She knew if she tried to touch her, Rachel would lash out but, if she didn't she could hurt herself, her emotions already getting the better of her.
"Why do you even hang out with me?" Rachel asked and Santana went to answer but wasn't afforded the opportunity when Rachel pressed on. "You could be friends with anyone, you could date anyone but you don't…none of you do…why? I don't understand why you stick around? Why the fuck do you put up with all this shit? Why?"
"Rach," Santana said her voice calm. She stepped closer to Rachel again, reaching out her hand tentatively but stepping back quickly when Rachel swiped at her.
"Don't fucking touch me!" Rachel shouted. "I don't want anyone to touch me, just…leave me the fuck alone. I just…" Rachel reached up to put a hand to her head as though she felt dizzy, the blood from her nose now leaving a crimson trail down her lip and on to her chin.
"Rach…" Tina tried, having stepped up beside Santana as Miss Holliday also appeared beside them.
"Fuck you," Rachel said putting a hand on the table to steady herself. "Fuck you," she said again, her voice slightly weaker now, some of the bitterness lost, sobs escaping her lips as tears began to fall from her eyes.
"Rach," Santana said again, stepping closer to Rachel worriedly.
Rachel had bowed her head so that it was in held in her hands. She started to hit the top of it with the heel of her hands, gently at first and then more forcefully, cursing under her breath, admonishing herself.
Santana took the opportunity to take another step closer to Rachel and took hold of here right hand in her grasp firmly. Rachel's head snapped up at the contact like she'd been given and electric shock and she wrestled in Santana's grip trying to get free.
"Let me go!" she hissed. "Santana…let me go…"
Santana didn't know whether she meant in this moment or forever, but glancing at Miss Holliday who was stood observing the scene closely, apparently at just as much of a loss as both Santana and Tina, she was reminded of her words of advice the last time this had happened.
"Just continue to be there. Even when it's hard for her and she lashes out or tries to push you away. Especially be there for her then, because that's when she'll need you to be around the most."
"No," Santana said firmly as she grabbed hold of Rachel's left elbow.
"Stop," Rachel pleaded, trying to bang her fists into Santana's chest. "Fucking stop it!" Rachel tried to hit Santana, tried to punch her, tried to kick her, but Santana held her tightly, pulling her close to her. "No!" Rachel protested again as Santana continued to hold her unrelentingly. "Stop it please…"
"Shh…" Santana said pulling Rachel's face into her chest as she continued to squirm, the blood from here nose seeping into Santana's shirt. She threw her arms around Rachel's torso pulling her into her closer, not letting her go even as her girlfriends' fists pumped into her back in protest. "Shh…" Santana tried to soothe again, reaching up with one hand to gently stroke her hair. "It's ok." Santana reassured her, her whole body moving as Rachel continued to escape her grasp.
"Please…" Rachel said her voice quieter than before. "Please…" her body finally sagging in Santana's arms as she openly sobbed. "Please make it stop," she said crying. "I just want it to stop," Rachel said as her knees buckled and she collapsed to the floor, still wrapped up in Santana's arms.
Santana kissed the top of Rachel's head, herself crying now as Rachel reached up and once again pressed the heel of her hand to her head, bumping it repeatedly. "Please…just make it stop…please Santana…please…"
"Ok," Santana said kissing the top of Rachel's head again and rocking her back and forth slightly on the floor. "It's ok…"
"Please," Rachel pleaded again pushing her forehead into Santana's shoulder. "Please…"
"I've got you," Santana comforted sharing a look with Miss Holliday who had put a hand on her shoulder supportively. "I've got you Rach…it'll be alright….shh…I promise…I've got you."