Chapter 20

"I'm out this bitch." Bilbo jumped off the wall situated in the mountain-turned-robot. And consequently broke both his legs. "…That was a really bad idea."

"ATTACK!" Thorin screamed, then realized he didn't know exactly how to work the robot. "Aight gimme a sec I'll be right back." He disappeared into the mountain.

"Can I have my gems?" Thranduil called. He was ignored.

Everyone was distracted by the giant army riding up over one of the hills. Dain had arrived.

"God mronog! Hewe ark wall aple? Yam a wee propane if you woldoy myekye gargle me a front merle of yon soone," the red-haired dwarf said, riding down on his giant pig. "Walk walk ya constable…JACK SORBERT FOOFA?"

Several of the dwarves cheered.

"I'M ORI, YO!" You can guess who said that.

Truńdweels rubbed his forehead. "Okay, I could have sworn I sobered up this morning…"

"No, it's okay, I didn't understand anything he said either," Bard assured the elf, patting his shoulder. The two kings shared a long moment of erotic staring, which was interrupted when Bifur threw a sword at one of the elves, killing him.

The one next to him shrugged. "Just glad it wasn't me."

"I wont nont stack diatomic breafa nony leaf! Nick lasp ta frothy woolley sprack!" Dain continued. "E wack north bree chili prom make pancake. F heple chackle and strop before hem nad me Kanye, I spilt horse phooya heart ostentacious! Sack in helple staniel smicksmack htat!"

"He's clearly mad, like his cousin," Serandweel scoffed.

"Some ice cold shade, my lord." One of the elves bowed.

"GAB TO SHELL YORK, DNA!" Dwalin shouted from the ramparts.

"Ha! I figured out how to work it!" Thorin's voice shouted from the mountain. One of the mecha legs lifted but the robot quickly lost balance and fell on its side, flailing like a turtle with a flailing disorder. The result earthquake nearly killed everyone, but Gandalf was there to stop it.

How did he stop it? Mitosis.

"Y'all decided to have a party without me?" the wizard demanded. "That's bull."

"Someone help!" Thorin cried out from a different place within the mountain. "How do we get back up?"

"We ask nicely!" Dori suggested.

Lindir began to breakdance wildly.

Just then, the two earth eaters popped out of the ground where Erebor had once been. "TIME TO SLAY BITC—Wait, I thought there was gold here! You lying bitch ass hoe!" One of the earth eaters roundhouse kicked Azog out of the hole and into the air. The Pale Orc flew into orbit and was not seen for a long time.

A man and an elf randomly started a scuffle, which escalated into a fistfight, which then escalated into:

The Battle of the Five Armies

"Ok guys let's have a look at the contestants, or in this case, armies!" Gandalf announced to no one in particular. "First off…"

Dwarves

Strength: 213, plug Smaug if he ever decides to help

Likes: rocks, alcohol, shiny rocks

Dislikes: elves and Shire-rats

sorry that was rude

Likelihood of winning: 20%, 90% if Smaug helps

"SHUT UP, I'M NOT HELPING!" the dragon yelled, flying away.

Elves

Strength: maybe like 1,000

Likes: hair, wine, standing

Dislikes: dwarves and kinslaying

Likelihood of winning: let's go with 60%

Men

Strength: 300 ish

Likes: fish and gold

Dislikes: republicans and Alfrid

Likelihood of winning: 50%

Orcs

Strength: a lot

Likes: death and arm extensions

Dislikes: everything else

Likelihood of winning: haha u tryna play me?

Drake

Strength: one man. one dream. today.

Likes: the sound of the wind and the rain among many other things

Dislikes: loneliness and burnt pizza

Likelihood of winning: yes

Earth Eaters

Strength:2

Likes: gold and Words with Friends

Dislikes: Azog, who is a lying bitch btw

Likelihood of winning: eh

The Middle Earth Police

Strength: like 50 probably

Likes:the law

Dislikes:what is happening right now

Likelihood of winning:3 hunna

"That's actually more than five armies," Nori pointed out, and was ignored.

And then fighting stuff happened. Dain rode forth to beat the orcs. The elves did a Mario jump over the dwarves' heads and fought orcs as well. The men just kinda ran back to Dale, not feelin it. Bilbo's legs were magically repaired.

Azog finally came back down from space and landed on Ravenhill.

"TROOPS IN THE WEST, MOVE FORWARD!" he commanded. No one could hear him since he was standing on a watchtower and his voice wasn't really that loud.

The earth eaters watched all this from where Erebor used to be. "Hey, you wanna go get some pizza?"

"Sure."

They left.

Bard and his homies had fortified Dale with wood and the bones of McDonalds employees. They had also tied Alfrid to the front door, and the gross unibrow man was screaming about injustices and republicanism.

"MY FATHER WILL HEAR ABOUT THIS!"

"Yeah, yeah, shut up," one of the men grumbled, pouring barbecue sauce on him. The plan was for all the orcs to eat Alfrid and leave the rest of them alone.

What they did not expect was for other orcs to come in through the back door. And the walls. They even had Nazgul dragon things dive bombing around the city.

"Fall back to the market!" Bard commanded.

"The market is overrun, sir!"

"Then fall back to the town square!"

"That's overrun too, sir!"

"Okay…the commercial district! Fall back to that!"

"…That's just another term for market."

Bard scrubbed his hands over his face. "Well, then, we're royally screwed."

"Not with Gandalf, you're not!" the gray wizard partied into Dale, killing orcs as he went. "I have a solution!"

"What?"

"We're going out for drinks!"

Everyone left.

So now it was just the dwarves and a few elves, as well as a very confused Bilbo who had somehow ended up in Canada.

"Whock Thrap?" Dain said, smashing his forehead into orcs and causing further brain damage to himself. "Wom nackle ouran kebab!"

Speaking of Thorin, which I'm guessing Dain was talking about…

"Okay, I think I figured this thing out!"

The dwarf had several (braided) wires and controls hooked up to him, courtesy of Fili, in order to control the mountain-bot. He did a triple backflip, crowd surfed in thin air, and voila, the mountain-bot was standing again!

"HELLS YEAH!"

Everyone cheered. "Let's go kill some orc ass!"

Bifur was way ahead of the game, having jumped onto the battlefield and slaughtered like 500 orcs in the span of three minutes.

The other dwarves (minus Thorin, who was controlling the bot) followed suit. Several of them broke their legs from jumping from such an enormous height, but it doesn't matter.

Erebor-bot began marching toward Ravenhill.

Dain looked up after head butting another orc. "Thorpil, wrock app yon gsnoing?" An orc took this opportunity to stab the dwarf in the face, but it didn't affect him since he was a main character.

Thorin glared in determination at a random wall. "I'm going to cut the head off the Snape." No one was there to question what that even meant, but we're going to assume he meant Azog.

And after a ten minute montage of Erebor walking to the beat of "Eye of the Tiger", the chapter finally ended—

Okay, that was a kind of cop-out ending, but guess what, you're a cop-out, so fight me. Also, I used some warped versions of Thranduil's name from some of my reviews, so thanks to Gollum girl2003 Coraline and LavenderCrystalOfRoses!

And for this chapter's question, which seems to be a thing...Which of the Five (seven) armies do you think will win the battle? Hint: It's not going to follow canon obviously lol