Chapter Twenty Five
Maxwell's Silver Hammer

There's nothing that makes you feel more at home than the feel of a loved one's arms around you. And this statement holds true as I melt into John's warm embrace. Just the feel of his heartbeat against mine erases all the stress the past three days have brought me. If he notices the desperate, vice-like grip I'm using to cling to him, he hasn't said.

"Luv, I missed ye," he murmurs into my ear. I simply sigh, releasing all my pent up emotions. "I missed you, too, Johnny."

"And I missed both of you!" Rita exclaims teasingly to break up our little reunion. We jump apart, not ashamed to be caught, just in surprise at her sudden appearance. John shoots her a confused look. In response, Rita elaborates, "I may as well've left her here with you for all I saw of her! I felt so...abandoned!" I blush a light pinks as she teases me. John simply rolls his eyes at her dramatics before leaning down to pick up my bag. He slings it over his shoulder with ease. After a quick farewell to the lovely Rita, John offers me his hand. I entwine my fingers with his as we stroll down the street.

A faint whiff of cinnamon and smoke drift past my nose as a crisp breeze blows past us. I scrunch my nose at the sudden chill and find myself leaning into John for warmth. He places a swift kiss to the top of my head that makes my heart melt. Unfortunately, comfortable as I am to be back here with him, I still can't shake the fear of Ms. Kollins spotting me. Try as I might, I can't stop worrying that I'm being followed. It's an old paranoia from my days spent in the home and I have a feeling seeing her just brought it back. I fake a laugh in all the right places as John animatedly tells me about some crazy fan at his latest gig. I can't help but scan the streets to make sure they're free of crazy caretakers. I whip my head to left when out the corner of my eye I think I spot the she-devil. My abrupt movement is enough to pause John mid-sentence. "...an then this mental bird grabbed-Angel face, y'alright?"

Reassuring myself it isn't her, I squeak, "Oh. Yep. Perfect."

"Are ye sure?" he asks in a wary tone.

Nodding vigorously to assure him, I fake a smile. The boy shoots me a disapproving look before shaking his head. I urge him to continue on with his story even though I'm not really listening. A few more blocks of constant fidgeting and nervous glances and then John stops his tracks. Startled by the sudden lack of motion, I gape up at him.

Gone are the warm, loving eyes that greeted me so happily just a few minutes before. In their place is a stony faced boy with calculating eyes. "Tell me what's wrong," he demands in a firm voice.

Knowing he'll kill me if he finds out Ms. Kollins saw me, I offer a forced, nervous laugh. "What are you taking about?"

"Sadie. Don't lie to me."

"I'm not. Everything's fine. I'm fine."

"Bullshit," he spits. I blink at his harsh tone. Suddenly annoyed, I retort, "Well, what if I just don't want to tell you?"

His jaw clenches. "You don't have to say. I already know."

My face pales the instant he says this. My mouth flaps open and closed as I attempt to piece the right words together. "But-but how did you find out? I mean, it only just happened."

John turns away from me, head hung low. He looks like I've just punched him in the gut. I mean, I know this isn't good by any means, but seeing her shouldn't have warranted this wounded reaction of his. "I knew it," he whispers nearly to himself. Raising his voice, he looks up at me, "The minute we left Rita I could tell. It's not all that hard to figure out. Every time I expect you to say something yer off in another world. Ye've hardly even acknowledged me. And you can't stop looking 'round like yer waitin' for someone to catch you doin' somethin' wrong. Ye practically have guilty written across yer forehead. I can't believe it. I can't believe you, Sadie."

Confused as all hell as to why he's taking this so personally, I reply, "I know it's not a good thing, but why are you taking this so badly? I didn't expect you to be happy about it, but you don't have to be so harsh."

His fists clench and unclench. I can tell how hard he's trying to keep it together. "How can ye stand there an' tell me it's not so bad! Who are you? Because the Sadie I know wouldn't even be able to fathom goin' with some other guy! How are ye takin' this so lightly?"

I frown as I process his angry words. When their meaning hits me I gasp. "John Winston Lennon, are you implying that I cheated on you this weekend!" I shriek indignantly.

"I don't wanna believe it, but yer actin' so-" he tries before I cut him off. "Did it ever occur to your selfish mind that maybe I'm acting so distant and jumpy for another reason!" I shout at him.

John backs a step away as I lay into to him. Self-doubt is evident in his dark eyes but I'm past caring. After being so traumatized this weekend, I am livid.

"I just didn't know what could-"

"Ms. Kollins chased me you assuming, self-centered bastard!" I scream before spinning on my heel and stalking away. Not two seconds later, John appears at my side. "She what!"

"Piss off, John! You clearly didn't care enough to explain before."

In a desperate tone, John pleads, "Sadie, talk to me. I know I-"

"Leave me alone! All I wanted when I was running from her was you, John. You. The first person I thought about losing. The last person I could imagine being taken away from. It was all you. And to come back to this? I just-" My strained voice cracks and I find myself too embarrassed to continue. I angrily wipe away a pesky tear that escapes my eye. All I can hope for is that he doesn't notice it. Knowing I've stunned him to silence, I take my chance and run before he can follow me.

Classic Sadie move.

Running. After all, it fixes most of life's problems, doesn't it?

I'm so upset by our stupid fight that I can't be bothered to pay attention to where I'm headed. Before I know it, I'm standing outside the Cavern. Frustrated, I kick out at the air. Everything I now have to take comfort in somehow relates to John. So if he's my problem, how can I find that comfort that he both offers and takes. Shaking my head at myself, I turn to leave. In doing so, I run smack into a wall of flesh.

"Oh dear, I'm so sorry, sir! It's just been a rough night," I apologize in a rush.

"Sir? Since when do I look respectable enough to be called sir?" a familiar voice chuckles. I whip my gaze upwards to meet the gentle eyes of Stu. I feel every wall I have crumble at the sight of such a sweet person. I know he hasn't been the friendliest to me in awhile, but he's still someone I know is there for me. "Oh, Stu, you're a sight for sore eyes," I admit sadly. He freezes when I attack him with a bone crushing hug.

"UK, Sadie? Since when do you hug me?" Stu wonders incredulously.

"Since your friend became an overgrown baby with a ridiculously imaginative, distrusting mind," I mutter into his jacket. He pushes me away from him just enough to see my face. His eyebrows pinch together as they always do when he's troubled by something. "What are you talking about? Did he hurt you?"

Sighing, I answer, " No. You know he'd never do that. But he just needs to learn a lesson. Do you mind if we do something? Anything?"

Stu looks torn and starts to shake his head. "I dunno if that's-"

"Please? Stu, I just need someone right now. I'll go crazy!" I plead somewhat desperately. The thought of being alone after everything that's happened just makes me want to cry. Again. Stu slouches in defeat and nods silently. The two of stroll down the dimly lit sidewalk in companionable silence. I can only imagine what's going through Stu's head right now, but it can't be good. He's been so cold toward me ever since I came back with the intent to stay. And now here I am basically forcing myself on him. I sure know how to drag people down with me, don't? Then again, maybe I can find out why he went from being such a great friend to so standoffish.

"Stu?"

"Yea, Sadie?"

I debate whether or not I should start this. Can I really handle more drama? Evidently some part of me thought I can because words came tumbling out of my mouth. "Why don't you like me anymore?"

Silence is all I am met with. I sneak a peak over at the boy only to find him looking shocked. "What?"

"Ever since I came back you've been not mean, but certainly not friendly. Did I do or say something to upset you?" I question.

Stu shakes his head in disbelief, dark hair falling in his eyes. "You think I don't like you? Yer crazy!"

"I am not crazy! I'm not the one being all moody and distant every time you try to talk to me. I think you're a really great friend and I just want to make sure I didn't do anything to ruin that," I explain.

The boy beside me falls to a sudden halt and shoves his hands into the pocket of his leather jacket. He hangs his head and whispers, "Please. Don't say that. It only makes it worse."

"Worse?" I echo in confusion, "Make what worse?"

With a defeated sigh, Stu says, "When you say I'm a really great friend."

"But you are. I don't understand. How does saying that make things worse?"

In a murmur, he replies, "Because you remind me that that's all I'll ever be."

Past trying to figure out his cryptic words, I urge, "What are you trying to say, Stu?"

"That I've been trying to keep you away for a reason."

"But why?" I frown. "I thought we were friends."

"Exactly. But friends don't feel the way I feel about you..." Stu murmurs in the saddest voice I've ever heard him use. Oh no, I really don't like where this is going. "I've tried so hard for so long not to do this," Stu groans. Before I can ask what he means his soft lips are on mine.

It takes a second or two for the situation I'm in to fully register. With a shocked squeal. I shove Stu away from me. His normal James Dean image isn't recognized as a dazed, dreamy eyed school boy shakes his head shamefully. Too surprised to do much else, I simply stare. Then...

"What the actual fuck, Stu?!" I scream. The boy flinches away from my harsh shout.

"I'm so sorry, Sadie. But that what I've been trying to tell you. I've been mean to you so you'd stay away. Every time you're around I fall just a little bit harder," Stu admits in a hoarse voice.

Realizing I probably resemble a deer in the headlights, I shake my head. "No. Stu, you can't. You can't feel that way!"

"But I do! And that's why it kills me when I see you with John. You and me, we'd be perfect together. But being his best friend, I know that you two are meant to be. Which is why I've tried to distance myself from you. But ye make it so damn hard. Yer beautiful. And so wonderfully innocent. It's addicting, Sadie." It sounds like he's been torn up about this for awhile.

"How long?"

"What?"

"How long, Stu?" I demand, lump forming in my throat. I'm on the verge of tears. This is the last thing I need in my life right now

A sigh. "Since the night we went to the art gallery."

Everything inside me is breaking. Falling apart. Not only am I miserable, but now I've dragged someone else down and I can't offer him anything in return.

"No, Stu, you can't. Don't tell me that. John's your best friend."

"He is. And always will be. And I've been trying to get over you. But that a tough thing to do, Miss Rigby. Yer quite extraordinary."

"But I'm really not! I'm nothing! Nothing but a family-less waste of space that causes problems everywhere I go," I argue bitterly. Anger falling away as quickly as it had come, I sigh, "I need to leave, Stu. I'm so, so sorry I can't return your feelings."

I can hear him calling after me as I leave him behind.

Feeling lost and horribly alone with myself, I end up in the first place I should've thought of but the last one I would've. One glance at my defeated posture has Rita opening her creaky wooden door for me.

"Sweetheart, what are you doing here? At one in the morning? Not that your company is unwelcome, but..." Rita questions as she ushers me inside. She guides me into her cozy living room and grabs a blanket for me. I wrap the scratchy wool around my shivering body. "You said if I ever needed to talk to someone..." I trail off nervously. Why did I come here and bother her? This is a dumb idea.

"Well, I can't say that your timing is very good, dear, but you're just in luck. I can't sleep at all tonight, it seems. So a good dose of story time might just be all I need," she teases lightly in an effort to make me smile. Quickly, she realizes that I am far past that. Like any mother might've done for her daughter, Rita takes a seat beside me, wraps an arm around me, and pulls me close. She presses a kiss to the top of my head and sighs. "You can tell me anything, darlin'. Don't be afraid."

Sniffling, I whisper, "Can I tell you everything?"

And tell her everything I do.

From the shipwreck that killed my family and my childhood to Annie to Ms. Kollins. To her abuse. TO my struggle to fight the fear she instilled in me. To the trip to Liverpool. To Lucy. To Pru. To the boys and the band and the gigs. To John.

"And I saw her. Ms. Kollins. When I went with you. I had to say good-bye to Annie. John warned me it was too dangerous, but I didn't listen. And now she's seen me and I'm afraid every time I turn a corner she's waiting there to take me back. It's awful." I cry quietly. Rita just continues to listen. "And John knew something was wrong. But instead of asking he assumed I met someone else and we got into a big fight. I knew that both of us were completely wrong, but I ran anyway. Once again. As if that weren't enough, then I ran into Stu. When I asked why he'd been so distant lately he kissed me ad admitted he fell for me! Rita, I just don't know what to do anymore!"

The wise woman simply sits there. Silent. Waiting for some fortune cookie like response, I'm shocked when she goes, "Goddamn woman! And I thought I had problems!"

"Rita!" I exclaim in a mix of horror and amusement.

"What? That's a lot to take in all at once. It's overwhelming," she admits. "And sweetie, I know that all you want from me is to spit out some perfectly scripted words of wisdom to help you solve all your problems, but the truth is there are none. You have to take life in strides. I certainly can't help you sort out this mental woman, though I'd love nothing more than to see her rot in hell for daring to touch a single hair on that pretty red head of yours. But as for these boys? Sadie, you said it yourself that they're family. John's way of dealing with things is different than yours, as well as Stu's. Unfortunately, there's not much you can do for Stu. But you can fix what happened between you and that trouble maker. He doesn't much like the type to openly admit his feelings, but I think that you just might have to make him."

"Rita? I wish you could've met my mother. You're just like her, you know?" I yawn. All at once the weight of the day hits me. Rita lays me down on the couch and covers me with another blanket. "Sweet dreams," her musical voice murmurs. Unsure of whether I'm still awake or already dreaming, I hear, "You're too beautiful a person for the things life has given to you. But then, maybe that's where the beauty's come from."

"...just want to see her. I know I messed up. I'm here to fix it. I figured she wouldn't want me anywhere near her last night. Thank you, ma'am," a voice cuts through my dream. Blinking my eyes open, I remember that I spent the night at Rita's. I sit up slowly and shove the thick blankets off. Rubbing the sleep from my eyes, I get up and shuffle towards the voices. All signs of sleep dissolve the instant my eyes land on John.

His dark eyes soften at the sight of me. Despite knowing Rita's words were right, I can't help but be a little standoffish. He assumed I cheated on him out of nowhere and I'm not about to let him get away with it that easily. "Sadie," he sighs in relief. I offer him a curt nod. We both shoot hinting glances at Rita who's idly sitting by smiling at us. She finally gets our silent dismissal and disappears. "Oh Sadie, I'm so sorry!" John exclaims. "I'm just not used to a real relationship. I've trusted all the wrong kinds of people before. Don't quite know how I could trust them and not you."

I nod, accepting that. "But it was still totally uncalled for."

He hangs his head shamefully, brown bangs shading his eyes. "I know I can trust ye more than anyone else, but that's just the thing. I've never had anyone like ye before, so now, I don't know how I could lose someone like ye. I don't ever want that. I don't know what I'd do back on my own," John finishes softly.

Not hard-pressed to keep him suffering any longer, I launch myself into his arms. John staggers back at the impact yet still recovers in time to spin me around. "God, I love ye, my angel face," he murmurs in my ear.

"Johnny, you should know I love you more than anything. Now, don't let that go to your head. I just think it's something worth remembering on those rainy days," I declare. I don't take my eyes off his as he gently lets me slide down. He stops me just before my feet are on the ground. Held up on my tiptoes by his strong arms, I'm the one with the devilish smile. Poor sap's stuck lifting me up as I crash my lips onto his.

I whirl around when I feel a deliberate tap on my shoulder. In a rowdy club full of flying limbs, one grows used to being bumped around a bit, so it's often ignored. But this is very much intentional. To my surprise, it's a rather familiar short, gruff man. His pale blue eyes that hide notice the sadness in others that goes unseen by most are twinkling with excitement when they meet mine. "Sadie, right?" he shouts over the music.

I'm so shocked to see him that I can't form proper words for a second. Instead, I just offer him a genuine smile. Just as I finally open my mouth to speak, I hear a voice roar excitedly, ""There's my angel face!" John roars over the booming music. I smile at the sight of his outrageously happy grin. The boy pushes past the last person dancing between us. He slips his arms around my waist and places a sloppy kiss on my cheek. "That was amazing, Johnny! You lot played so well!" I declared rather loudly. Paulie and Georgie appear from the depths of the crowd, the older one's arm draped across the other's shoulders. The two of them reach us just as John frowns and questions, "Er, Sadie, who's this?"

Momentarily forgetting about my musically connected friend, I shoot John a smirk and say, "This, Johnny, is..." I pause in horror when it dawns on me that I don't even know this man's name. He lets out a hearty laugh and holds out a friendly hand. John shakes it warily and glances at me questioningly. "Name's Eddy. Eddy Maxwell."

"Sorry, mate, should I know who ye are?" John wonders cautiously upon releasing Eddy's hand. The man shakes his head and replies, "No, I shouldn't think so. But the name Silver Hammer Records might ring a bell, yea?"

At the casual drop of the name, the faces of all three boys freeze. John's eyes widen comically and he simply stares in amazement. Recovering rather slowly, he sputters out, "S-silver Hammer? Why in God's name would they be hear?"

"I met yer girlfriend over here back in London. Came to my record shop an' we got to talkin' about a certain band. Something about the Moondogs?"

John visibly blushed at the name and promises, "I swear we're planning a better name! I swear!"

"That's alright, lad. Every band goes through that phase. But anyway, I was telling Sadie, here, that I might come check you lads out. A friend of my brother runs that record label. He asked me to keep an ear out for good music. And I think I've just found it in you young fellows. Haircuts an' a new name would do ye some good, but I don't see why I shouldn't make my way over to him tomorrow. Tell him I've got the perfect band."

John's too stunned to even think so Paul steps up and thanks Eddy profusely. He simply shakes his head. "No, no. If there's anyone ye should be thankin', lads, it's that bird right there." John turns his head to follow the finger pointed at me. The corners of his lips twitch upwards in a tender smile. Eddy winks knowingly at me before the boisterous patrons of the club swallow him and drag him away. I don't get the chance to see him leave because I am attacked y a barrage of hugs. Paul and George squeeze me in a bear hug so tight I fear I might actual suffocate. An unfamiliar warmth spreads through me at the sound of their gracious words and hugs. I hold these idiots tight to me, grateful that, even in this crazy world of mine, I have managed to be such a part of their lives. To know that I've made a difference, be it a small one, in their lives is quite literally heart warming, I've come to realize.

Their embraces gradually loosen and we all just smile goofily at each other. I sneak a peak over at John. An uncomfortable knot forms itself in the pit of my stomach at the sight of his emotionless face. I'm pretty sure a statue moves more than he is at the moment. That's never a good sign. Without a word, John spins on his heel and disappears into the sea of crazed people. I share a worried exchange with Paul. The younger boy's grin dulls and he stares at the space his best friend had just left unoccupied. Waving me back, Paul says, "Don't worry yerself. Have fun with Georgie, I'll go talk to him."

And with that, I am left alone feeling quite conflicted. I am torn between leaving it to Paulie and following John anyway. In the end, I figure it must be a silly guy thing. Well, at least that's what I let myself believe. Something in my gut tells me it's not quite that simple. And not ten minutes later, Paulie returns to prove that it's not.

"Um, Sadie? John wants ye outside. Where ye first came in all those months ago? Says it's important," Paul sighs dramatically. He seems almost amused and that does nothing to reassure my frantic nerves. It takes me a while, but eventually, I manage to reach the off stage door. Letting out a deep breath, I shove the heavy thing open.

John's standing with his back facing me, and I can tell by his hunched shoulders that something is bothering him. I approach him as one might approach a timid,unpredictable animal, cautiously and watchfully. I place my hand between his tensed shoulder blades instead of using words as a greeting. His body instantly relaxes at my touch which calms me some. "Johnny, what's wrong? I thought you'd be happy."

The boy shakes his head slowly and my heart sinks. He turns to face me almost reluctantly. "I'm sorry," he stammers out, suddenly apologetic. I frown. "For what?"

John lets out a frustrated sigh. With a hoarse voice, he attempts to explain. "Sadie. Ye've got to understand. I am more than happy. I'm ecstatic. I know I don't look it, but I am. But why should I be? Why do I deserve this? Why me? Why me when I've done nuthin' but mistrust ye and treat ye like dirt. There I was not three days ago accusing ye of cheatin' when in fact ye were back in London bein' scared to death. And even then, ye still somehow managed to find me the one opportunity to live out my most unrealistic dream. I've done nuthin' for ye and yet ye've changed my whole world. And so effortlessly, it seems. I feel like shit because even though I know I don't deserve any of it, I know I'm gonna take it all. I'm so selfish. It makes me ill but I can't seem to stop myself. And here's you, the most selfless person I know."

I wipe a tear from my cheek feeling silly that it even managed to escape at all. In the sweetest tone I can muster up, I murmur, "Johnny, there's no one in the world that makes me feel the way you do. No one makes me, an orphan, feel more at home than you do. No one makes me feel as happy. As loved. There's no doubt in my mind that you're a good person. We all have flaws, so don't worry about yours. We both have to work on trusting each other, but we knew that from the start. I think we realize that both of us are missing pieces of ourselves, but Johnny, together, we're whole. So will you please promise me that you'll stop over thinking so much and just live to live and love to love?"

Without a word, John crushes me to him in a desperate hug. He buries his face in the crook of my neck as I knot my finger in his hair. "I love you, John," I whisper. Shivers shoot down my spine when he places several, feathery light kisses up and down my neck. "Sadie, yer perfect. I love ye, too."

"John?"

"Yea?"

"Everything's about to change isn't it?"

Silently, John draws his head up to gaze down at me. He simply says, "Yes, it is. But the one thing that's not gonna change is this. You an' me. I'm afraid yer quite stuck with me."

I smile up at this wonderful, lively boy and can't help but pray to God that he's right. I could never lose this. Just one taste of what life with John could be like had me hooked. But change is almost never welcome in my world. So in this rare moment, I let myself cling to John and dream of a life with no outside interruptions.