The 2 am Drug-Store Incident.

Commissioner Gordon wasn't usually one to be on-scene at a random Riddler sighting - especially at three in the morning - but this one both confused and boggled enough for him to take personal interest.

Montague was interviewing the very shaken pharmacist, Bullock was reviewing the CCTV logs. Uniforms were canvassing the street and the GCPD were doing all they could do to try and track their perps - despite Gordon's very pessimistic view that Edward Nigma was too smart to be traced so easily. Interview finished - for now - Montague moved closer to Gordon. 'What've we got?' He asked. He'd heard the very strange 911 call and the dispatch logs but he wanted to hear the full thing - if for nothing more than his own morbid curiosity.

Montague was frowning as she flicked through the meticulous pages of her interview. 'They only took three things. Menaced the pharmacist a little and walked out. No riddles, no fuss.'

Didn't sound like Nigma now that he thought about it.

'What-' He began.

'Commish!' Bullock's head came up from behind the monitor and beckoned him over. 'Store has audio as well as video. Apparently they're the only 24/7 place in North Gotham. They take this kind of thing seriously.'

Made sense. Being the only thing open on a night made them a target. But for Riddler?

Gordon put on the headset and watched.

The drug-store seemed to be doing regular business for two in the morning - none. There was just the cleaning crew and the pharmacist standing behind the counter, checking stock.

The outer doors opened and Gordon focused on a familiar suit.

Riddler and Dead Switch walked into the empty store arguing and meandered their way over to the pharmacist. He hadn't noticed them just yet - but he would. He could hardly ignore the green suit or the biker following behind him - or the prevalent argument they were locked in as they walked through the shelves.

'If you weren't so rough, Deborah-'

'It's not my fault it split!' She snapped.

He adjusted his cuffs - was it Jim's imagination or did they look like they'd both gotten dressed in a hurry? Nigma's appearance was always impeccable - and replied 'Perhaps this is a good opportunity to consider some other forms of contraception?'

Scott turned to stare at him incredulously. 'Seriously?'

'Yes, this seems an appropriate time to rectify that oversight.' He agreed haughtily.

'I'm psychotic without hormones. Are you absolutely sure you want to see what happens with them?' She demanded with a kind of high-pitched warning.

The Riddler paused. 'Touche.'

'Besides. Isn't it better to unload a gun than fire at a bulletproof vest?'

'What are you implying, here?'

'Get the snip.'

Edward Nigma paused and then said in hollow tones 'Absolutely not.'

They finally reached the counter of the pharmacy. The argument was shelved for now in favour of both of them turning a glare onto the nervous pharmacist. 'Do you know who I am?' Nigma drawled. It was hardly hard to miss the green suit and cane. The Pharmacist nodded slowly. 'Excellent. We will take your finest generic plan B-'

'Edward.' Scott growled from behind him as she picked at the display.

He sighed heavily. 'Your finest name brand emergency contraceptive. And don't even think about calling the police until after we've left. Trust that I will be monitoring all signals in and out of here in the meantime.' He gave the poor pharmacist a deep glare of suspicion. 'It wouldn't go well for you.'

The pharmacist backed off and then fell into the dispensary.

A pack of pregnancy tests and magnum condoms hit the counter. Riddler turned and raised an eyebrow in silent questioning.

'Just to make sure.' She replied boredly. 'Neither of us would make a good parent.'

Nigma nodded in agreement.

The pharmacist came back minutes later and rang up their items. 'That'll be uh - 79.50?'

Both of them stared at him as though he'd grown a second head. 'That's fucking robbery.' Dead Switch replied flatly.

'I have to agree.' Riddler snarled. 'And we know a lot about robbery.'

The pharmacist went white and pushed the items across the counter. 'Please don't - I just work here.'

'Pathetic.' He snarled as Scott picked them up. Both turned to walk away and the argument recommenced. 'Why did I have to come?!'

'You're the reason I need this in the first place.'

'Please. It's fairly self-evident you've done this before.' She spluttered and hit him with the plan B box. 'Tell me I'm wrong!' Nigma argued.

She said nothing as they left.

Gordon took the headset off and turned to look at the red-faced, chortling Bullock. He looked like Christmas had come early and clearly couldn't choose which joke to crack first. 'Plan B, pregnancy tests, and condoms?' The commissioner frowned.

'You hear that bit about it being his fault? Riddler and Dead Switch are doing the horizontal tango. Do they make magnums that small now?'

Gordon threw Bullock a wooden look. He had no doubt in his mind that Bullock had a lot more material and poor Montague would probably hear them all - repeatedly. Now he knew why Riddler was trying to avoid drawing a large amount of attention to himself, at least.

'What do we do, Commish? Put out an APB on the shaggin' wagon?' Bullock cracked a smirk.

Goddamn it, Bullock. Gordon sighed. 'I don't think we're going to find them. Get copies of the tapes and we'll add it to the list of charges when Batman finds them.'

A/N: It happened again. Impulse control, you two! Christ, you're getting as bad as Joker and Harley! This one takes place between Do not disturb and Lock and key. Some kind of weird pseudo-platform where they find themselves in these situations more and more but aren't emotionally ready to actually confront what it is. So, you know. Friends with benefits.

Bullock kind of stole the show here. I mean, he has all the best lines. Someone rush Riddler to the burns unit! I have this problem where I think I'm genuinely hilarious - so stuff like this happens. When Edward found out they were being charged for something as low-class and as petty as stealing - he threw a hundred onto the table and told Bullock to take that off his record now. Deborah maintained that they were doing the world a huge favour by taking precautions. Nobody wants to see what kind of neurotic mess Edward Nigma would be as a father ... Right? Right?!