AN: Well, I was originally going to wait until Wednesday to post this, sine this will be the only update this week...but screw it! Have it now! :)
But, getting serious again...brace yourselves. This one might be a trifle intense.
Aaaaannnnndddd Ms. Asuka Langley Sohryu has the floor...
•9:58 AM
Logically, it shouldn't have taken over an hour to walk home. But after I stopped running...all my strength...it just...evaporated. My feet dragged as if tied to millstones, eyes glued to the ground. Some old creep tried to chat me up, and I didn't even react or respond; in fact, I barely even noticed he was there, and didn't even look up when he was accosted and shooed off by a couple of passing college students.
Is it that I'm afraid of what's to come? Being yelled at, or worse, by Misato? That'd make sense, I guess. But...the force holding me back...it didn't seem to be pushing against me from the front...but pulling...from behind...as if...
'What, you want to go back? To do what, apologize? Hah! You'd never get the words out! And even so...what's there to be sorry about? You didn't say anything untrue, you know?'
I remember my caustic words to Hikari...my cruel dismissal of Shinji, right in front of him, as if he weren't there, despite the terrible things I had already said last night...
'And what's more...you're free now! You should be happy! After all you've said and done, that sad little puppy won't be tailing you around anymore.'
I'm free?
I try to picture it...to savor the taste of 'being free'...
But all I see...is that eye...
Dark blue...
Hatred...
A retreating back walking resolutely into the distance...
The taste of 'victory' is emptiness...
Fear...
Regret?
'Look, it was a long time coming! You and I both know that sooner or later, no matter...what...might have happened...Shinji would have walked away. It might as well be on your terms instead of his.'
Would he have?
It matters little, I guess. After all that's happened...the only way is forward.
In spite of this revelation, my pace does not increase even a fraction of a hair. In fact, when I see my apartment building looming in front of me at last, I stop. And for the second time since I began my journey, turn to look back the way I came.
'You wanted to be alone so badly? Well, be prepared for how it really feels.'
'You don't need anyone! You never did and never will! And without Shinji to hold you back, there's nothing to keep from taking what's yours anymore! Now that he's written you off for good, you can write him off and won't be stuck playing babysitter to the world's saddest excuse for a 'hero'.
I feel a lurching sensation as I recoil at that last thought.
Disgust? At whom, I wonder?
Despite the steadily rising heat of the day, there's a curious chill in the air as I turn around and continue towards the drab concrete block ahead, covering the last of the distance to the lobby entrance in what feels like an eternity.
The elevator ride, by contrast, seems almost instantaneous. Given my snail's pace the majority of the walk here, I guess that's no surprise.
A few long minutes after walking out of the the lift doors, I at last find myself before that familiar door.
Home...the place that, in mere moments, will no longer be home...no longer welcome to me...
For the first and only time since arriving on this doorstep, I feel compelled to knock, despite having the key in my pocket.
I tap twice on the door...
And as I hear the approach of footsteps, my thoughts turn to a memory only a month in the past, yet seemingly a lifetime ago...
Shinji standing with his back to me, apron strings around his neck and waist, so immersed in his work, he does not notice my standing there, mere inches behind him. The room is awash with the odor of German cuisine, so unfamiliar to this average Japanese kitchen, yet so familiar to me that for a moment, I forget that I'm halfway around the world from my homeland. I forget that Shinji is my rival...forget that I have to regard him with contempt if he is to remember his place...and I smile, in spite of everything.
I could never...NEVER...for as long I'm around him, let him see the way I was looking at him then.
And it feels all that much colder when reality reawakens me to the sound of a sliding door...the knowledge that after today, such a thing will never happen again.
In the open doorway stands the man a part of me still desires more than almost anything...aside from the glory of piloting anyway. Kaji looks slightly surprised to see me, but allows a small smile as he steps back to let me in. "You're back rather early."
"Yeah," I reply listlessly.
Kaji's brow furrows slightly at my tone. "Did, uh, something happen today?" he asks.
I nod.
"With you-know-who?"
With considerable hesitation, I nod again.
Kaji puts a hand over his face, shaking his head wearily.
I simply stare down at the floor, unable to look at his obvious disappointment in me...and with it, the implication that, even HE automatically assumes I am at fault.
"Well, we'll keep that on the down low for now. Tell me about it later. Right now, you and Katsuragi need to talk."
I jerk my head in vague agreement, not even looking up as he follows me into the kitchen. Those words all but confirm the implication...but it can't be helped...and I'm too burned out already to call him out on it like I did Hikari. And in any case, Kaji is my only ally left right now...and as much as I hate to admit it...I'm scared to face my former guardian alone.
There at the table sits Misato, face buried in her hands, rubbing her temples as if frustrated or deep in thought. At the sound of our footsteps, she looks up. And seeing who it is, rises to her feet, placing her hands on her hips.
I'm not sure how I truly expected to feel at this moment, but even I have to recoil a little at the expression on my soon to be ex-guardian's face.
Normally an infuriatingly cheerful woman, seeing her truly angry is rare. There were moments when I angered her back when we first met several years ago, and there have been moments since I moved in here back in September...but never like this.
The glare she is directing at me could melt through solid steel. In the corner of my eye, I see Kaji lean against the entrance; silently watchful.
For a moment, there is a tense silence, and the feeling of sitting atop a fresh powder keg while holding a match, as I try, and mostly fail, to meet Misato's livid gaze.
Soon enough, however, the silence is dispelled.
"So," Misato begins, her voice disturbingly calm despite her visible fury, "heard you and Shinji had a rather...interesting...evening while I was gone."
"You could call it that," I shoot back.
Misato narrows her eyes dangerously, but maintains her chilly calm. I find it deeply unsettling. "Mind filling me in Asuka?"
Naturally, I knew she'd want to hear the truth from me. Still...
Playing for time, I respond, "Kaji probably told you everything. Why do you need to hear it again from me?"
"Maybe he could've missed something. Maybe I just want to hear your side from you personally," Misato retorts icily. "Regardless, it's not a request. Start talking."
Knowing that arguing would be a poor choice at this point, I begin...
"Shinji and I were alone together in the kitchen. We were just kind of sitting around, doing nothing, and I got bored. So I suggested to Shinji that we should kiss to pass the time."
Misato's eyes narrow even more, but she nods, bidding me to continue.
"Well...we did. But Shinji got the wrong idea about it."
"The wrong idea?" Misato raises an eyebrow. "Wrong in what way? Did he do something inappropriate?"
"No!"
A moment of silence follows my exclamation, as I try to regain my composure. Still, despite the fact that the Third Child can be a stupid pervert sometimes, I'd never want anyone to think he might be capable of any real harm...though, it's not like Misato would believe me if it were true that he were...
"Well then?" she inquires curtly.
"Well...it would seem...that Third has a bit of a crush on me, and...took the kiss a little too seriously." I suddenly find it hard to hard to look directly at Misato. "He...the idiot should've known better."
Misato bristles visibly at that last comment, but she keeps her tone even as she continues, "And that's all? Kaji mentioned something about an argument afterwards."
"I...well...yeah. I kinda lost my temper with him." I still can't bring myself to look directly at her.
"Care to explain why?"
Panic starts to fill me once more. This is it, the trap I've been dreading...
If I tell her the same lie-...uh, I-I mean...what I told Kaji this morning...she'll probably kill me. If I tell her the tru-
'No! THAT isn't the truth! That 'other voice' was full of shit and you know it! And even if it were true, no one can know...EVER! You'll be weak, dependent, insignificant, NOTHING! And you'll still end up alone...'
The fear of knowing that neither answer is going to help paralyzes me...
"I'm waiting..."
And, keeping within a seeming trend today, my paralysis is shattered when my fear mutates into defensive anger.
"What do you care?!"
"Excuse me?" Misato's voice rises a fraction of a notch.
"What do you care WHY I lost my temper? In any case, I'm sure Kaji already told you EXACTLY what I told him this morning! You shouldn't need to hear it again from me!"
"Asuka." Misato's calm is becoming more and more forced and strained by the second. "I'm trying to be fair, and hear you out."
"Bullshit," I snarl back at her.
You lying whore! I know what you really want. You want to humiliate me even more by forcing me to confess in front of you! By making me tell you everything that happened, you're hoping for more of an excuse to rage and storm at me because I 'dared' to yell at your 'favorite pilot'!
"What I say isn't going to matter one bit! To you, I'm just the nasty little cunt that hurt your precious Shinji's feelings! It's not like my feelings in the matter are important to you! If it didn't concern the idiot in some way, you wouldn't even pretend to ca-"
Faster than either me or Kaji could have anticipated, Misato closes the gap between us.
SMACK!
Pain explodes on the left side of my face, and I stagger, but manage to stay on my feet.
"You little bitch," she snarls, the deadly calm façade crumbling away as something...uglier...takes it's place. "You emotionally abuse your fellow pilot and roommate to the point that it drives him to stand at the edge of a rooftop...and all you can do is think about yourself and how you're being treated 'unfairly'?!" Her chest heaving furiously, she glares down at me, growing dislike in every line of her face. "Even now, that's all you have to say about this?"
I turn to glare back at her, raising my fists, ready to pay her back twice over. "Fuck you Misa-"
When...something...Misato said begins to sink in.
"W-wait. What did you-"
Misato's hand lashes out once more, this time to seize a fistful of my blouse, and I cry out involuntarily as she draws back her arm, bringing our faces within centimeters of one another.
"Yeah, you heard me correctly. He almost decided to jump because of what you did!" With those last words, she releases her grip roughly, almost throwing me from her grip.
I stagger backwards slightly, and Misato advances forward, an animalistic snarl on her face, as she begins to raise her hand again.
But before I can even begin to brace myself, Kaji moves in between us, and seizes her, none-to-gently, by the wrist.
She turns her furious expression towards him instead...and for one horrible moment, I fear that she will strike him instead, right there in front of me.
But after a tense moment of silence in which they stare hard at one another, I see Kaji shake his head wordlessly at her. At this gesture, Misato's visible rage begins to wane rapidly, her eyes suddenly unable to meet his and staring down at the floor.
Kaji's grip on her slackens and becomes a supporting gesture rather than a restraining one. And turning to face me, he smiles reassuringly, and leads us both back to the table, setting us down in the chairs opposite of the other.
"Alright. Now let's keep this simple, and as civil as possible under the circumstances." At those words, he shoots a significant look at Misato, who glares back for a moment, but nods grudgingly.
For a moment, I feel immense relief at Misato having been successfully calmed down, trying not to think about how far she might have gone if Kaji hadn't been here to stop her...
But then I remember...
Where...did she just say...Shinji went again?
Oh...you heard her alright. You just don't want to believe it.
I...I-I n-need to be sure...
"Where...exactly did you say Shinji ran off to, again?" I sound a lot more frightened and mortified than I'd ever want to outwardly show.
With a loud thump, Misato smashes her fist on the table, rising angrily to her feet. "Don't you dare act like you didn't hear every word I just said," she snarls through gritted teeth. "Go on, keep playing dumb. I fucking da-"
"Misato!"
We both turn to face Kaji with varying degrees of shock, and I find myself needing to repress a shiver. I never knew Kaji could glare like that.
Once more, all the wind seems to leave Misato's sails as she sits back down, settling for shooting a dirty look at us both before glowering down at the table.
"That's better," Kaji says, sounding calm, though without a shred of his usual cheeriness. "I'll take over for now."
With a deep sigh, Kaji looks down at his folded hands for over a minute before turning to face me once more.
"Asuka," he begins...and I find myself feeling what could only be described as...'small'. Honestly, right now, I wish he'd just...scream and yell instead of...I can't even describe it...
"Last night, when you told me what happened," he continues, "You were quite open with your remorse for what happened."
He closes his eyes in a way that makes me wish I could disappear at will, and reappear thousands of miles away. "I hope...I devoutly hope, that your display when I returned was not merely for my benefit. That is to say, I hope it was not a façade meant only to elicit my pity and keep you out of trouble."
I don't even know how to respond to that.
Of course you meant it!
I know! But...only Kaji is allowed to see that. It's already bad enough that he's probably told Misato that I cried like a stupid, spoiled little girl. But I'll be damned if I give HER the satisfaction of actually seeing it happen.
Kaji gives me a shrewd, calculating look, before dropping his gaze, breathing a defeated sigh that makes me want to curl up and die of shame. "I had hoped you understood what you did...and that we wouldn't have to tell you..."
He opens his eyes once more, fixing me with a piercing stare over his folded hands in a pose that is...uncomfortably familiar to me.
"But it seems..." the temperature of his voice is dropping with every word, "...that you've left me with no choice."
I want to run...I want to leave this place. I want to go so far away, that I'll never again have to hear the cold, disappointed voice of the man I once loved so much telling me how awful I am.
Never mind, of course...that I could never run that far away. Running away, no matter how far, wouldn't extinguish the memory...
These are the repercussions of what you've done. Now you must reap what you've sown. Accepting that this is what you deserve is the least of the reparations you must make.
Forcing myself to look Kaji directly in the eye, I see him open his mouth to speak...
"After he ran from the apartment, he took the elevator to the roof."
My stomach feels like a giant fist is slowly clenching around it...
"I followed him, and upon reaching the roof..."
No...please...
"...I saw him standing..."
I-I feel...sick..
"...on top of the ledge, staring out over the drop."
...
...
...
...
"Luckily, he climbed back down before he even knew I was there. But I want you to understand, Asuka..."
I can't look at Kaji anymore. I can't look anywhere...but down.
"I want you to understand how cruel your behavior was...what it nearly cost. And I'm through defending you from the weight of those actions."
Breathe...just need to breathe...
Need to push it down...
I-I won't...I'm not g-going to...n-not in front of that bitch, Misato!
'You have to fight back! You have to show them...both of them! You have to show them that you're above their fucking guilt tripping!'
...
'Call their bluff right now! Then Misato will just get all righteously enraged...or maybe to appeal to your 'better nature' by pretending she actually gives a fuck.'
...
'But you know...you know what she really thinks don't you?'
...
'She thinks you're a vicious, nasty little German slut who gets off on teasing and baiting pathetic twerps like Shinji, only to stomp them into the dust and walk off laughing.'
...
'And that's only because you won't be what her precious Shinji wants you to be. She thinks that just because the idiot is nice to you that you 'owe him'.
...
'And so does the little twit himself! When you kissed him, that idiot had the audacity to think that all of sudden, you'd 'discover' that you had some kind of 'deep, burning, passionate love' for him that you could never admit to before.'
...
'He probably thought you'd start throwing yourself into his arms every chance you got. And that you'd spread your legs every time he so much as smiled at you!'
...
'And none of them...not even Kaji...care about what you might want!'
...what I might want?
'Never mind that the idiot was probably hoping you'd follow after him when he ran off, so that you'd see him up there on the ledge! He was probably going to try to guilt you into letting him have his way with you; pitiful, stupid, cowardly little bastard that he is!'
What I want?
'And yet he just gets comforted and patted on the back by Misato and Kaji and even Hikari, of all people...like he's some kind of goddamn hero for deciding not to jump off a fucking roof just because he got rejected! But you? No! You're just the bitch that broke his poor wittle heart because you won't let him use you!'
...
'None of them...none of them care what you-'
What...I...want...is...for you...to shut...the...fuck...up...
'...what?'
Shut up...and go away. I've had enough.
'Don't you dare-'
OR WHAT?!
'...as if you even know what to say now anyway. What will you do without my help?'
At that thought, I freeze...what can I say...what does someone even say after being told something like this?
I want to say...something...anything...
But there's nothing...no defense I can offer...no excuse. And even the two words that immediately come to mind...the ones that always annoyed me so when they came from 'him'...utterly meaningless now.
It is Misato, of all people...who comes to my rescue now. Raising her head to look directly at me, she begins to speak...and to my surprise, her voice, while still rather stern, is no longer contorted with barely suppressed rage. "Asuka? Did you intend to hurt Shinji?"
My eyes widen. I had expected that question...but not the way it was asked. I had expected it to be entirely rhetorical, with Misato having clearly made up her mind about the answer. But, this...she really wants to know. And my response really will make a difference for better or worse...
I know the answer, but the bigger question is...how to answer it.