Chapter 25: Stage Fright

Ryan just ran off after finding out that several of the campers and counselors caught him performing on the piano and not only that but saw that Kendall joined him on guitar as well without him noticing and the fear of being in front of an audience has become so advanced that he can take a round of applause into something of a nervous breakdown and fear of being judged. He kept running until he stopped into the cabins and just hid himself away there for a while so he can try to grasp what just happened and why he never found out that there were people standing there the whole time; not only that, but they have their cameras out for this occasion.

Ryan panted heavily and just sat down on ground for a while until Kendall walks by and finds him curled up on the floor, close to the bottom bunk still shaking from his experience back on the stage and Kendall quietly approached him to make sure he doesn't scare him and Kendall sits on the floor next to him, yet Ryan already knew that Kendall was here.

"I guess you came to tell me that I suck, aren't you?" asked Ryan.

Kendall was completely surprised at Ryan's question that he's lowering his self-worth down hard because of who he is, yet all Kendall heard earlier was a voice unlike any other and he just couldn't believe that Ryan would put himself down like that and he responded, "No. Not with a voice like that."

"Why were you on the stage? I didn't see you." Ryan asked.

"I heard you sing on that big piano and I just felt amazed and compelled by the sound of your singing voice that it's like...I can just feel that I'm in the song with you sharing your story to me. Your voice is just like this raw, emotional and vulnerable voice that no one would touch or even emulate. You have awesome talent. Why do you not see it yourself?"

"Because I'm too scared to take rejection. When you feel unaccepted and society makes you what they want you to be, it's just hard to be yourself. I don't want to be like everyone else. But at the same time, I've been picked on before and I'm just too scared to confront that fear because of what the outcome will be. Performing on stage in front of people, I had some panic attacks several times when I sing and many people tend to look at me and just focus on that I'm bi rather than my singing. It just got so bad that I just began cutting myself in private...only when I deal with so much stress in my life." Ryan explains.

The 'cutting' part alarmed Kendall the most because he did not expect Ryan to go so far into his current state and asked, "You cut yourself?"

Ryan revealed his minimal scars that he cut himself in on his arm and that just concerned Kendall the most and he couldn't bear to see his dear boyfriend in so much mental pain and anguish because of a lack of self-confidence and Kendall said, "Take it from someone who's been there before. I used to have stage fright too, but I overcame it."

"Stage fright? That's like when you're afraid to go onstage?" asked Ryan.

"Yeah, almost everyone has gotten stage fright, but they manage to get over it." Kendall said.

"Well, they're the lucky ones. I'm always used to having the stage on my own and I wouldn't feel more scared of what other people think. I would like to perform in front of people and just doing my music, but my confidence has gotten so shaky that it's really hard to overcome my stage fright. Even when I receive applause, I just run away and hide." Ryan added.

"You shouldn't be scared of an applause. That shows how much they love what you do. You just have to give yourself a chance to live in that moment. If you want, I can help you." Kendall added.

Ryan blinked his eyes and couldn't believe what he just said as tears fall down from his face and asked, "You would?"

"No doubt in my mind. Just be yourself and not worry about what other people think you should be." Kendall responded, lifting Ryan's chin.

Ryan just looked at Kendall in the eye and said, "Thank you."

Their eyes locked into each other as Kendall gently stroked Ryan's cheek and before long, both of them leaned in and kissed each other on the lips as Ryan's tears fall down from his face and for a few seconds, their tender, sweet kiss quickly turned into a passionate kiss as they wrapped their arms around each other and tongue kissed each other for about 6 minutes.

After 6 minutes of making out, both Ryan and Kendall got up and walked outside together to catch up with the other campers and as they did, they saw Casey and Marcus walk past each other, holding hands as well and Ryan seemed excited about these two and smiled at them and said, "Have you guys made out yet?"

Casey chuckled in response to that while Marcus responded, "None of your business, Ryan."