Ichigo always has a cache of dirty comebacks on the tip of his tongue.

Spoilers: Quite a bit of lines were taken from chapters 201-202, 287-288 and 291. Most translations (highlighted in bold) come from Bleach Exile.

25. Innuendos

Ichigo was flat on his back, trying to breathe properly. He was coughing up blood. The remnants of healing mucus crusted his exposed limbs. He was trying his best not to expire here in the bowels of hell. He needed something to get his mind off the current crisis. Rukia.

Rukia always made him smile inside. She was one of the pillars of his strength.

She also transformed him into a man-whore for words.

Ichigo relaxed for a moment and thought back, letting inconsequential, mad thoughts fuel his spirit. It wasn't the most intelligent thing to do, but he damn well needed a distraction from the physical pain.

So he concentrated on Rukia, the strange things that have been said in their mutual presence, and all the witty, lewd comebacks he wish he retorted.

He could have sworn he didn't have a dirty mind before he met Rukia. He would smack Keigo around if he suggested anything dishonorable about the girls, and he did not tolerate his father initiating weird roughhousing with his sisters.

So when did everything become a double entendre?

His ears wanted to bleed: everything being said tinged with the filthy. Ichigo got used to his neck perennially flushed with embarrassment. It became a natural state of being. Some days he was grateful that he had to kill so many Hollows. It drained his testosterone level and prevented him to walking around Karakura with a semi-erection all the time.

When did he get so turned on by words?

Don't look at me like that… so I like bunnies.

That didn't help. Ichigo had a sudden mental image of Rukia in a Playboy Bunny outfit. He disciplined his features into a blank stare so she wouldn't guess what was on his mind.

(It didn't quite work. She bonked him on the head.)

Now, every time she whipped out Chappy he had to wipe the smirk off his face. It didn't help matters that Pyon was so… bouncy.

When Pyon bounced, her small but well-formed breasts – Rukia's breasts really – bounced in ways no one thought possible.

(Ichigo would do anything to have those breasts bounce against his face instead of his back.)

I thought today's youth were supposed to be oversexed. A kiss is like a handshake.

Even worse. It wasn't even an innuendo; it was direct to the point. Ichigo bit his tongue in reply: if it's all so casual to you, why haven't you kissed me? We should be making out all the time.

Where did you get that ridiculously oversized zanpakutou?

Thanks, Renji. It boosts my self-confidence knowing that mine is bigger than yours. Not that I ever want to look at yours.

(It might have a freaking baboon head. Besides, the honor of seeing Renji's zanpakutou was accorded to Byakuya alone.)

You were gone so long, Ichigo! I was lonely playing all by myself!

Stay away from me, Keigo. I know exactly what kind of playing you do all by yourself. I hope you wash your hands regularly. I know I do.

(Ichigo kicked him in the face to prevent Keigo's hands from touching him. There were limits to friendship.)

Shut up, don't talk and keep moving!

Great, I bet she says that to all her lovers in bed.

(Rukia has the tone of an insatiable harridan.)

Ichigo remembered feeling ill to his stomach. As they flew about town with Rukia on his back, he scolded his thoughts: she's not taking you to the nearest sex hotel, you horny pervert. It's got to be a Hollow.

(It's always a Hollow. Rukia has Hollows on her brain.)

It's a Hollow.

Rukia, I haven't seen you in months. That weak freak can wait. Right now, I am only interested in the Hollow between your thighs that I want to pierce and Moon Fang with my big-ass zanpakutou.

(Zangetsu will not be amused the next time he talks to Ichigo.)

That's the kind of man you have been in my heart, Ichigo.

If you keep me in your heart, can I get into your pants?

Oh come on, it's like you have a stick up your ass.

My dear, there's nothing else I'd allow up my ass except your little finger.

You should know by now that there's only one place I can get a good night's sleep.

I assure you, you won't be doing any sleeping if you spend another minute on my bed.

Stand aside. You can't fight him when you're this tense.

Rukia, I read a scientific study that proves sex is a great stress buster. Shall we leave this low-level Arrancar scum to find Yumichika and…?

Seems like you're getting a big head, after all.

You don't know how big my head can get.

If you weren't so stubborn, I wouldn't use force… Pyon!

Damn it, if you were really Rukia I'd let you use all the force you wanted. You can mangle all my bones as long as you let me come inside you.

What are you doing, entangled like that?

Be grateful it's your gigai on top of me and not the other way around. After seeing your sexy shikai and I just want to jump you, here on the pavement.

Of course I'm fine, I wouldn't be here if I wasn't.

I so want to roll in the gutter with you now. Take off your shihakusho.

(Too bad Grimmjow had to show up and stab Rukia. Talk about spoiling the opportunity of the moment.)

Aren't we your nakama, Ichigo?

Renji's my nakama. Rukia, you are something more infinitely dear, especially when I think of you dressed in that skimpy white robe, wearing a red dog collar.

So it did make you understand after all… Good. I don't ever want to say that kind of thing again!

One day, Rukia… you will say you love me. One day you will tell me you want me. When we make love for the first time, your naked, writhing body will be undulating under me. The day after, you will spill the beans and tell all your Shinigami girlfriends stuff like…

His body's so thin, but his brute strength is incredible!

Er, wait. Those words were already said, but not by my Rukia.

Ichigo's eyes flickered open. He remembered in time where he was and who spoke those words, and why he was on his back on the cold floor.

The young man wanted to vomit. He just remembered. It was some stupid Espada with a lecherous leer on his face. It was the one who interrupted his fight with Grimmjow. What's-his-name. Nori? Noitora?

He wanted to kill the guy for looking at him that way.

Ichigo groaned and tried to get up. He was still bleeding. He just wanted to save his friends and go home.

His ass wasn't safe here in Hueco Mundo.