Ch. 4 - Icarus
The next day came and went with an unfocused lens, blurring the purpose of her day. She lies in bed after class, fists sore from her venture the night before; the feeling of red taught skin over her raw knuckles feels freeing. She clenches and unclenches her fists repeatedly just feeling how the skin pulls. The pain sits well in her muscles, her free lesson at the Highlands Ranch UFC gym went exceptionally well leading her to sign up for a year's membership. She has never felt completely in control of herself, one could blame her upbringing but she didn't. Octavia understood herself more than anyone would or could, half the reason she wanted to major in psychology was to help herself and others like her. Joining a gym was her trying to fix something within herself but honestly she just wanted to hit something. Like, sometimes she has complete control over her emotions and other times she has a tendency to over-react, acting out in ways where later she analyzes as inane and impulsive. She wants to be in control and often times she wonders if that's what everyone wants—to be in control. Of course that's nearly impossible on the external world but she wonders if it's just as impossible to have full control of the internal one. Feelings can be controlled, right? Well this is her effort in that venture, for sense of control, for stability—for clarity.
Her room is dark save for the night-light tucked behind her closet door and the whites of her eyes. She can't sleep because all she can imagine is her best friend's hands all over Raven. It makes her shiver in a way most uncomfortable causing her to grip at her sides.
She can't sleep.
She can't stand to be awake either!
Octavia turns violently in her bed, burying her face into her pillow to scream. She knows that they didn't mean to hurt her and couldn't forecast this but god damnit! Why did they have to sleep together!Her thoughts run away from her, imagining who did what, if they ever think back to that night, and how they could go years without telling her. They've graduated high school and college, shared beds, clothes and secrets, yet this was there the whole time. Octavia feels a little foolish, like she has been the butt of a joke for six years. She knows she has to talk to them eventually. Clarke looked extremely solemn when she arrived home earlier tonight; she was on the couch watching Clueless wrapped up in her comforter. Normally she would have joined her, being that it was one of her favorite movies, but she could only spare a glance toward the blonde before heading to her room. She decides to plan a night for all three of them so they can talk and clear the air; hopefully she will get some answers to her questions that her imagination is running away with.
/
It's cooling down outside as dusk takes over the day's shift. It's been three days since she has heard anything from Clarke and her doubts are starting to root. But she pushes them to the back of her mind because she would wait forever for her; she believes this with every fiber of her being (even if she didn't want to, she'd wait). With a deep sigh she pulls her jean overalls over her boy shorts and black tank top. Lexa is getting ready to head over to Raven's to work on her motorcycle while her sister raids her fridge.
"You know, I don't know why you kept that old thing so long. It's not even that good of a bike." Anya comments while her bottom half sticks out of the fridge.
Lexa pokes her head out of her room, "It will be a great bike after I'm done with it! And I think it's a decent bike!"
She hasn't tried to start it in over a year so it really is a project but she doesn't mind, she's looking forward to building something from the ground up and riding it back into the ground. She ties each combat boot slowly and tightly; making sure that there is no chance for one shoelace to come undone. There's a buzz that resides under her belly. She isn't sure if it's excitement or nerves humming but she decides that it's good to feel both. A small part of her thinks that being near Raven is like being near Clarke, since she is her best friend. Another small part of her feels as though she needs to watch what she says and does because Raven's confidence is Clarke's and not hers. Maybe they can be friends but she knows that Raven is ultimately there for Clarke. That's why she feels the need to build friendships that can be hers and only hers. Not that she doesn't feel accepted by Raven and Octavia, it's that they have loyalty and will most likely take her side regardless of situation. And Lexa wants that kind of loyalty; she wants to earn that on her own from those who will do the same for her. She's glad that Clarke has friends like them.
Anya grabs another beer and with a satisfied hum she pops the tab, "So, is Clarke going to be at Raven's?" She asks nonchalantly while walking into the living room taking a few big gulps.
There's a bit of silence before she hears a short negative response.
Anya flops on the couch making herself at home like she usually does. Wherever she's at she tends to take liberties that her own home grants her. It's not that she isn't mindful, she just feels comfortable in her own skin, enough to exude it everywhere.
"Well, I've been thinking… Yo, you listening little sis?!" she hollers.
Lexa walks out from the room half way done getting ready, "What?"
"I've been thinking—"
"Wow, is it hard?" Lexa jests.
"Shut the fuck up before I get up from this couch!" She spouts as she points her finger.
The younger girl raises her hands in surrender accompanied by a playful smile. "Okay what have you been thinking Anya?" She asks with mock interest.
"Well, the other day when we were talking about Clarke… I consoled you instead of telling you what I really thought." She sits up straight to look at Lexa in the eye.
"What do you mean?"
"I mean, I think Clarke hasn't put you first since the day we met in the hospital. Everything that you've told me recently has been about what she wants and needs. And the one time you do something that you needed to do, she shuts you out. When has she done something selfless for you? When has she chased after you? It all seems one sided and I honestly can't think of why you let her pull and push you like that. One minute she wants you and the next minute she isn't ready. Like, all her friends dote on her and she's the center of it all. Maybe she likes the attention or something." Anya ends her tirade by taking a long swig of her pale ale.
"Don't talk about her like that…She's been through a lot." Lexa defends. She thinks back to that day she ran away from everything. There wasn't a singular reason she left town without telling anyone. It was a cacophony of things.
"So have you though"
"Anya, I've done plenty wrong and it's not a matter of what she's done for me. It's about understanding what's at stake. I don't want to lose her again. I want to give her as much time as I can to come back to me. She waited for me and I turned my back on her. I don't want to repeat the past; I want to be different."
"You were taking care of yourself! I hardly say that's turning your back on her. You needed time to heal from Costia. The only thing you should have done was communicate with her but you can't blame yourself for protecting your heart." The older sister says.
Lexa doesn't like to talk about the past that much but Anya doesn't mind so it's only fair to allow it; she was there through it all. Back then, opening her heart when it was so recently betrayed was impossible, despite her own desire to. The pressure to be all right, to move on, and to love again was paralyzing. She needed time to build herself back up before giving anymore away, so she understands Clarke's need for time.
"Even so, I went about it all wrong. I'm not going anywhere this time An. I don't want to be alone anymore…"
"And what if she's the one who leaves this time?"
Lexa doesn't know how to answer. It's never been about how much one does for the other. It's not like she's the only one giving. She has tried following her head before and that got her nowhere, so now she's trying to follow her heart and that's given her opportunity.
This opportunity.
It's hurting her now more than it's helping but Clarke promised so she will give her a chance to keep that promise. But maybe Anya is right. She has always been there for her, no matter what. Lexa trusts her more than anyone. Maybe she should take steps back and protect herself at all costs.
"I don't know Anya," She mumbles as her defeated feet shuffle toward the bedroom to finish getting ready. Clarke could decide to leave her. She wouldn't blame her for it because it's been tough. Lexa tries to think back at the overall scope of their relationship, whether she's made her happy more often than sad. She attempts to weigh it out in her head.
"It just sounds like you're doing all the work!" Anya shouts from the couch. She understands what Clarke went through all those years ago but this is now and regardless of what happened the past few days, Lexa deserves more than this. She deserves better.
Lexa storms back into the living room, "If I didn't betray her trust two years ago, maybe I would agree with you! But I fucked up An!" she yells, bothered by her sister's words. She just won't let up. Her guilt has always weighed heavy on her for abandoning Clarke like that, leaving without saying a word and ignoring her texts and calls for weeks. She just couldn't bring herself to face her.
"I left her because I was stuck in my old ways. I couldn't handle being vulnerable; I had to protect myself! I couldn't be who she wanted me to be!" She lowers her expressive arms having exhausted all her spare energy.
"I know…" Anya assents.
"But why can't I be enough? I want to be enough for her now, so why can't I try this time?" Her muscles release their hold on her head causing it to drop. It feels like she's trying to hold onto love in the middle of a war. Every battle waged gives less and less room for feeling such a luxury.
"Hey, hey…you are trying!" She soothes setting her beer down on the coffee table before making her way over to her. With a hand on her shoulder she comforts Lexa, "I envy you for fighting for love. I think it could be the real deal but all I'm saying is don't let love blind you from who you are. You can't help whom you love, but Lexa…this whole moping around waiting for someone to hold your hand thing, isn't you. I don't like that she has this power over you. What's the number one rule I've taught you? "
She dips down to catch her sister's green eyes, "hmm?"
"Protect yourself at all times." Lexa grumbles.
Anya nods with a smile releasing her hand from Lexa's shoulder, "Protect your heart kid, because you are all you've got in the end. I'm not saying you shouldn't try, I'm just saying prepare for the worst and hope for the best."
And with that, Anya leaves her little sis to think. She meanders back to the couch and resumes her show on Netflix with her feet propped up on the coffee table.
"Now leave before I change my mind about you borrowing Charlie."
Lexa clenches her jaw and proceeds to leave with a whirlwind of thoughts and unspoken words trailing behind her. She thinks about everything as she makes her way downstairs toward the old Chevrolet pickup. The motorcycle is already secure in the back, thanks to Anya's help. Of course her help didn't come without a price. For borrowing her truck, she had promised an introduction to Raven, a six-pack of Dale's Pale Ale, and a down payment on a tattoo appointment. It was a hard bargain but she whittled it down from a whole tattoo payment, a date with Raven and her favorite pair of boots that Anya has had an eye on for years. A petite smile appears on her face at the thought of their haggle, she's sorry for whoever has to deal with Anya as her future partner. Anya is without a doubt the strongest igneous being she's ever learned to know.
Right next to the most illustrious flame her heart has ever learned to love. Cue Clarke's montage in Lexa's mind. Her smile is what brings the sun out after a long dark night and her eyes— my god; her eyes could lift spirits from their grave. Lexa swears that Clarke's eyes are windows to a world she wishes this one would be. It's magical, for lack of a better word but when she sees azure rays aimed at her, her organs work harder and her fingertips become electric. That's a feeling she wishes she could experience all the time and so her solution is to be around Clarke all the time. She just wishes she could shrink the space between them so she can fix it already.
Pulling her consciousness out from her thoughts, she realizes that she's already on Raven's street, which scares her a bit because that happens a lot. She isn't sure if it's muscle memory or her subconscious but sometimes she gets so deep in her thoughts that she goes on autopilot, 'waking up' amidst the drive to realize she's in a new area. She tries to pay attention and be safe most of the time but she often plans things out in her mind, which can be distracting. Lexa likes to think of different scenarios and plans her actions accordingly; to always have a plan is to always stay alive. Now it's more of a habit than it is for survival but it's something that she prides herself in. She puts the truck in park and sits for a bit thinking about who she is and how that differs to who she is with Clarke; she wants to be that Lexa. She wants to be better. Before she texts Raven of her arrival, she starts to think of scenarios in how this hang out will go. After she's satisfied with her plans of action she takes a deep breath in preparation.
-
6:58pm- RavenLexa: I'm here.
Raven: You see that driveway to the right of the garage?
Lexa: Yeah, you want me to drive down it?
Raven: It would be easier to wheel your bike down it. There is a bit of a decline and then a left turn. You'll see me.
Raven: Do you need any help?Lexa: No, I got it! See you in a sec.
-
Lexa pulls a 4x4 out of her truck and wedges it against the concrete at an angle for a makeshift ramp. She untethers the tie-downs before carefully rolling her old Honda down. As she makes her way down the driveway, she looks at Raven's neighborhood. Last time she was here, she was distracted by the stink of Bellamy's ego. The neighborhood has a lot of open space, stretches of land between each house, which is easily big enough for another abode to fit in. When Lexa rounds the corner, she spots Raven in her garage with a huge barn like door slid open to reveal a room she's seen before.
"Woah… I didn't know this could open up. Has it been able to this whole time?!" Lexa asks while eyeing its construction.
Raven laughs at her reaction but her eyes are glued to her bike.
"Well well well, someone is into Café Racers hmm?"
She walks closer to look at Lexa's bike, "And yeah, I knocked down the wall in my den to make room for my cars and bikes. That garage up there is mainly for storage, but this is where the magic happens!" She extends her arm back around her at her workshop, adorned with every tool imaginable organized on the walls and in tool chests.
"I didn't notice it before…" Lexa inquires, still confused as to how she didn't notice a big possible exit/entrance. That's one of the main things she looks for when she enters a place.
Raven looks behind her, "Oh!" she chuckles, "that's probably because I had Clarke paint brick on it from the inside so it looks like the rest of the room. I have tools hanging from the door as well, so you probably couldn't tell."
Lexa wheels her bike inside the den and parks it in order to take a look at the illusion, still a little stumped as to why she didn't see it before. But as soon as she slides the door a little towards her, she understands. Clarke's attention to detail is uncanny. It looks like it should feel like brick but it's definitely solid steel. Lexa gets lost in the details while Raven pulls her bike in to put on a workstation.
"So you've been holding onto a 1980-ish CB650?" Raven twists her face into a judgmental mockery.
Lexa smiles because she knows it's an awkward looking bike because of its longer forks and lowered shocks but she has put work into it and it's starting to look exactly how she envisioned.
"Hear me out though… I know it's a little awkward but I have this idea in my head for it that I think would look really good."
She helps Raven fit the bike into her workstation before expanding her thoughts, "So here," Lexa points toward the back end, "I want to fit 13.5 inch shocks to raise the back end and lower the forks by a few centimeters, then the stance will fit better. I figured I could rebuild and rebore the engine…"
Raven nods her head as she listens and butts in her two cents, "Ok yeah, I think we can definitely restore this engine, although it looks kind of tired…Does it have a lot of miles on her?"
Lexa shakes her head, "not really, I think less than ten thousand, the owner wasn't sure because it was his husbands that had passed away."
"Anyways, I was wondering if you could help me perk up the power a little more? Maybe with a new filtration system and a carburetor?"
Raven bounces a bit on her heels clapping her hands together. She feels giddy and excited that she has someone to talk shop with. It's an expansion into a world that's been kept in her head all these years because one, she liked it that way and two; Clarke and Octavia aren't really gear heads. They don't like grease and they would rather go outside on a trail than stay stuck indoors smelling like oil. However, Raven loves the smell and can get lost in metal, moving around a piece for hours adding and subtracting from it.
After staring at Lexa's bike a bit she offers a suggestion, "What do you think about adding a brat-style tail section, I can totally teach you to construct it…" Raven walks around the bike as she speaks. " I love the clip-on handlebars you added. I think the 'wheelbarrow' bars come standard on these things?"
Lexa nods her head; her arms are crossed with her chin in her hand. Observing the bike with Raven is exciting, to have someone who can push this bike further than she could imagine is filling her with joy. She scratches her chin before speaking, "So I was thinking about changing the exhaust to a 4-into-2 with Emgo mufflers… Would that look okay?"
"Oh shit! Yeah, that would look badass! Okay, so shit. We have work to do!"
Raven leads Lexa over to her array of tools and starts showing her where everything is. It's a bit overwhelming because the darker girl is talking really fast but Lexa keeps up, temporarily forgetting about all her problems. This is exactly what she needed.
/
After a few hours and several beers later, Lexa and Raven are well into their own projects on their individual bikes. Raven's workshop has tools that Lexa didn't know existed so finding a place to start was difficult for her at first but she decided on disassembling her motorcycle completely before anything else. All the previous work she had done on her bike would either be reconstructed or reengineered.
The jukebox in the back plays loud motivating music while they work.
watch?v=9ohsfdAvP0g
Deep in her element, Raven tries to fight the worry from entering the forefront of her mind. She was completely content in the first couple of hours but now that her mind is settling in, she begins to think about Octavia. It's been radio silence since Clarke told her about their past and now being this close to Lexa with this half emerged secret weighs heavy on Raven's conscience. Since Clarke told Octavia, it's only fair that she gets to tell Lexa right? This logic crosses her mind more than twice but she never grabs hold of it. She can't cause more waves in an already choppy ocean. It wouldn't be fair… but yet it crosses her mind again to woman up and let Lexa know that she and Clarke had sex years ago. She starts psyching herself up with different phrases she could use to get it out casually, "Hey, Lexa. You know I can probably get 63 hp from 626cc with that rebuild, which is pretty good even by today's standard and Clarke and I had sex junior year of college but I'm glad that we are all getting so close, Ya know? We are such good fam, want to borrow this killer wrench, the handle is made of space steel."
She snorts at herself at the utter failure at her attempt to hide the confession in shoptalk. Raven shakes her head further convinced she shouldn't say a damn word. But her mind tries to find a scenario in which her words didn't sound so awful.
" So listen, I just want to let you know that I cherish our friendship and I'm so glad that the fact that Clarke and I have had interrelations doesn't get in the way. Because it wasn't a big deal, I mean it was great. But it was so far in the past that, shit…" She stops herself there because nothing she's saying in her head is working and no matter how she spins it, it's like a bomb going off in the middle of an unsuspecting village, it just doesn't sit well. Despite her reluctance, she engages Lexa in conversation.
"So Lexa, how have you been?" She manages to ask without spilling any beans.
At first Lexa doesn't register that Raven has asked her a question, but after listening to the echo in her brain she realizes... "Oh, um…" She turns and gives the girl a look that screams, "Are we really doing this?""Yeah, I'm good." She replies quickly before turning back to her work. Lexa isn't interested in divulging anything that might get back to Clarke. Even if Raven genuinely wanted to know, this isn't what she came over here for. She came to get her hands dirty and forget about how she is. Her stomach wrenches along with her hand's on her bike because she has the urge to ask a million questions regarding Clarke. She knows that Raven has answers but she doesn't want to push her luck. She's trying really hard to give the blonde the space she asked for.
"Well, I'm just asking because I…" Raven gets stuck on her reasoning but she just opts for the truth, "I'm your friend too and I think you could use someone to talk to about things. I mean… I know what's going on so you wouldn't really have to explain everything."
Lexa nods while trying her best to listen and not be rude about her disinterest in sharing. She isn't used to people being this close to her to ask these kinds of questions other than Anya. Even then, she shrugs her off if she gets too close for comfort.
Determined, Raven turns down the music and tries again. " Hear me out Woods, I know you can handle your shit. But I'm letting you know that I wouldn't tell Clarke whatever it is we discuss because we're friends now. So, like… with that, I want you to know that I'm here for you. And no matter what happens from here on out, I hope that we can stay friends." Not sure where all this sentiment came from, she cringes in hopes it's received well. A part of her credits it to her guilt she feels about what Lexa will surely soon find out but the other part really cares for the girl and she realizes that Lexa doesn't have that many friends she can talk to.
Lexa lets out a heavy sigh, replaying all the caring words in her head. It's nice to hear, especially from one of Clarke's closest friends. Raven is quickly becoming one of her favorite people. But it doesn't feel like she can truly confide in her; she wouldn't want Raven to be stuck in the middle.
"Yeah…I appreciate that. But I just want to get my hands dirty and work on this." She points to what she's doing and offers a small smile.
Raven deflates but she gets it so she nods her head and turns back around toward her own bike. Green eyes notice the quick change in her demeanor remembering that she promised herself that she would open up more, she scolds herself for closing off so quickly. She needs to work on building friendships not breaking them down.
"You know…" She starts, turning her full attention toward the dark haired mechanic, " It's been hard."
Her ponytail swings around and is followed by eager brown eyes, clearly happy that she decided to take her up on her offer to talk. She feels that if she can get to know her better it won't be so bad when the truth comes out. Inviting her to continue, Raven nods her head.
Upon seeing Raven's elation, Lexa quirks a smile and continues, "Well, I've been giving her space like she asked for and it's hard." Jesus, opening up is harder than she thought. Putting the way she feels into words is difficult for her. She chews on her lip before finding more words to attribute, "For the past year or so I've catered to her needs because of what I did. I know that I messed up. But…I can't help but feel a little jaded." She lifts her head to find concern etched on Raven's face so she quickly rectifies,
"No, I mean…I'm not saying that I'm tired of fighting for her. Clarke is everything to me but I can't help but feel like I can't do anything right." Lexa rests her elbows on her knees to lean forward so her eyes can shift into a blank stare below Raven's gaze.
She feels conflicted yet so sure that Clarke is it for her. It's a strange feeling for Lexa, to be full of love and dwindling hope. Her mind stretches to a distant future where Clarke isn't with her, when the days run on with no relevance of time. She can see her life as it could be without her and it's a hell on earth she'd rather not visit, however if Clarke wished her there she would endure it. With a sigh she fiddles with the wrench in her hands waiting for her newfound friend to say something, anything to save her from herself.
Raven observes her for a moment: shoulders are slumped, her brow knitted, her breaths are distressed and she's nervously playing with the tool in her hand. The truth isn't in question because she can tell that Lexa is being genuine. The most interesting thing she observes is the cadence of her voice when she speaks of Clarke. Even though she's speaking in doubt, the inflection is so full of tenderness, so full of…
"You really care about her," Raven concludes.
Lexa pauses momentarily before nodding her head over and over as if it could never confirm that statement enough times.
"I do," she eventually says softly. After a beat she looks up into Raven's eyes and accentuates, "so much."
Straightening up, Lexa sets down the wrench she's been twirling to speak clearly "she's special. She isn't like anyone else. I don't want to lose her…"
"Then why did you kiss Harper?"
Before Raven could stop herself, her blunt loyalty rears its ugly head. She gulps at the sudden outburst but doesn't take it back because Lexa hurt Clarke and that's all she can focus on. The inebriated part of her mind is pumping its fist in the air for her loyal bravery trying to find any truth for her best friend's honor. From where Raven's standing throughout all this, the space Lexa is enduring now could have been avoided.
Lexa chokes on her breath, not expecting such a direct question with a taste of accusation. She clears her throat to reply but nothing comes to mind so she takes a huge sip of her warm beer to buy her time. What a ridiculous question to ask because she didn't kiss Harper. She didn't and she wouldn't. Of fucking course, the minute she opens up is the minute Raven takes the chance to defend Clarke.
"I didn't kiss her." She voices softly but sternly.
"But you did do a body shot off of her…"
The atmosphere in the room suddenly shifts into something else entirely, feeling cornered Lexa sits back in her stool eyeing Raven like she's a wolf in sheep's clothing. Her head begins to shake side to side in disbelief.
This apparently triggers some audacity in the darker haired girl as she nods her head in response, "yes, Lexa. You did. I saw the whole thing. And maybe it was my mistake for not telling Clarke right away but I saw the situation you put yourself in. You might not have wanted it but as soon as Clarke was out of sight you were doing a body shot off of another girl. How does that look?!"
Raven doesn't yell but her voice is powerful and protective. She understands that Clarke needs her space but she doesn't understand why these two people that clearly love each other can't find solid ground. These two idiots cause chaos because of their own insecurities. She sees Lexa dip her head in her hands still shaking it back and forth minutely.
"Why did you do it?" she prods.
"I didn't! I didn't kiss her! She kissed me!" Her hands fling out from holding her face to up in the air with indignation. "I—Clarke doesn't know what she wants and I don't want to stand in the way if she wants him or anyone else! I'm not used to this!" she clenches her fist and rubs her chest as if it's in pain. "I didn't want to do it, I don't want her…or anyone else…Harper was coming onto me so strong, I kept trying to avoid her but I..."
There was no excuse for why but even after it happened she went to find Clarke, she wanted to kiss Clarke not Harper. And when she found her, she saw the one thing that she feared. Clarke and Bellamy in her room tightly embraced with their lips against each other. It took but a millisecond to break all hopes of them being together, she believed right then that it was over for them. So the fact that this kiss with Harper is still a matter of discussion is fucking stupid. When she thinks about it now, she can't even remember how it happened. She credits her actions to a series of events. Maybe it was her jealousy that steered her into retaliation or maybe it was because she was weak, too considerate, and too soft. It clicks in her mind that maybe all these feelings are making her easily manipulated.
The alcohol in her blood screams through her rational, blowing air into her old mantra 'love is weakness.' At this tiny instigation Lexa hardens herself. This is exactly why she never kept lovers or friends, they made her doubt herself and influence her into situations she didn't want to be in.
"You know what Raven, it was my fault and I take full responsibility for it. It was a mistake." She turns in her stool to face her bike, done with the conversation all together. Done with opening up and done trying to defend herself. This is what Anya is talking about, she feels as though she's doing all the work, all the apologizing, all the waiting and it's bullshit.
'Protect yourself at all times' she thinks to herself.
Brown eyes bore into the back of Lexa's head. Raven wasn't sure what to say to the abrupt nature in which she spun her disposition. It went from regret to acceptance to detachment in a matter of seconds. Whatever had happened didn't seem good and perhaps she might've pushed her too hard.
So she inches forward with resolution, "I'm not saying it was your fault, I'm just saying that your actions were wrong. I know you didn't kiss Harper, as I know that you don't want her. I'm sorry if I came on a little strong but you two are so perfect for each other and it bothers me that things won't settle. Misunderstandings and unfortunate events keep getting in the way. She doesn't want Bellamy and you need to get that idea out of your head. She hurts more than she lets on about what happened. I'm not going to tell you it'll get easier because I know that it might get harder. I know Clarke, she's very strong willed but once she gets everything organized in her head she'll come back ten times stronger. So just wait for her to talk to you…she's worth it."
Lexa looks over her shoulder a little bothered by her words, "I know she is…" Her body is half turned, not yet willing to open back up to this conversation or interrogation, it could be either one at this point. Her eyes narrow, not sure how to place Raven now. Is she her confidant or someone she should look out for? Her mind is working a million miles a second, paranoia slithering its way in. Is she implying that she thought Clarke isn't worth it, like she hasn't been fighting to gain Clarke's trust for the past two years, that this last year wasn't her chasing the sun across Denver with the hope of relative warmth? Fuck this shit!"Whatever this is," She points between herself and Raven, commenting on their friendship, acquaintanceship, whatever they are trying to be; "I don't have to defend myself to you! I've given Clarke more than I have given anyone and ever since being a part of this—your delinquent crew, it's been nothing but misunderstandings and unfortunate events, so don't lecture me about how shit happens. I am more than capable of putting my feelings aside for Clarke."
All the sudden she's standing and pacing right in front of Raven, one unruly vein threatening its position on her forehead. "I sat by watching Clarke flirt with Bellamy and then vice versa; you were there! So you telling me that I need to get the idea of them out of my head is bullshit! Never in my life have I been so disrupted."
She fumes now with one hand on her hip, "She needed time after I left her; I gave her that. She needed assurance that I'm not leaving her again; I gave her that. She needed me to help look for O with Bellamy despite how I feel; I gave her that. And now, she needs space so I'm giving her that! I've put my needs second to hers and I am still here!" She deflates back into her seat with exhaustion and states, "Whatever I do, it's never enough."
Lexa rests her elbows on her knees and lowers her head to grip at the back of her neck. It never feels like enough. She's ignored her own feelings for the sake of love and they are all pushing back now. She tried to convince herself that love didn't need to be equally sided, that it didn't matter how much one gave and the other took just as long as they loved each other. But at a point there has to be an understanding, a constant shift of reciprocity if that theory is to work. For most relationships, there should be an equal amount of effort flowing between them. Lexa tries to decipher how she feels without the influence of Anya's words. The Lexa she has learned to love is the one she feels she becomes when she's with Clarke. She understands that she becomes a better person with the blonde by her side but at what point does she lose herself completely? She wants to give herself over to Clarke but she also wants to keep her independence. The way she sees a successful relationship is two individual souls growing side by side, still holding their separate sturdy roots yet sharing the same soil, water and sun. She has seen relationships where they'd be too entwined with each other's lives to where one couldn't be happy without the other and even more so if one wasn't the cause of that happiness, they would become bitter holding that happiness against the other. The unhealthy qualities she feels herself committing to scares her but being in love excites her. She knows she's in love with Clarke, she's known since that Valentine's Day and that was the scariest thing to Lexa. Because that meant that her heart was not hers alone anymore. The duality of love is similar to a double-edged sword, no matter which side you use it cuts deep. And right now, Lexa feels its edge flipped and searing her skin with new lessons.
Raven's brown eyes stare at the girl in front of her, taken aback. She never considered how it looked and felt from Lexa's point of view. She's been so close to Clarke's experience she didn't realize how hard it's been for Lexa. Her heart tears in half at the thought. On one side, Clarke is justified in her trepidation. The amount of hurt that has compounded on that girl's heart has left it fortified. And on the other side, there is Lexa—just as damaged and just as fortified. Where Clarke is day, Lexa is night and if this isn't a perfect tragic harmony then Raven has zero faith in the restitution of the world for its sins. These two deserve the love they are so desperately trying to give one another and the cruel nature of surviving is holding it hostage. Just as she's about to reach out and give Lexa an apology, Raven looks up at the sound of a familiar raspy voice.
"Hey Ray, you weren't answering my calls so I just came over to…" Clarke stops in her tracks as soon as Lexa comes into view. Her heart jumps high into her throat before plummeting to the ground. What's going on here? She looks at Lexa, head ducked down out of sight obviously upset and then to Raven, whose face is full of regret? She isn't sure.
She didn't...
She wouldn't!Clarke's heart pounds erratically at the bottom of the abyss in which it fell. This isn't how she wanted Lexa to find out, this isn't how things are supposed to go. A cascade of nerves ripple under layers of skin holding her together despite the urge to burst into flames right then and there.
She gives Raven a questioning stare before she turns her attention back to the unmoving brunette.
"Lexa?" she wonders why she hasn't lifted her head up yet. She says her name partly concerned for what's wrong and the other pleading for her to just look at her so she can tell what's happened here, if she should start groveling now and apologize for everything.
When she sees green after moments of anticipation, her insides freeze.
Their eyes lock in as if taking a long awaited breath after being submerged in water. They stay like that for what seems like hours. The only significant sign that they both are still alive is the rise and fall of their chests.
Clarke tries to swallow the dryness down but her throat is persistent in closing its doors. The look on Lexa's face isn't one she's used to. It's a look of sad defeat trapped under a thick saline blanket. It's a look of complexity that causes her insides to twist. She attempts to keep a neutral face but she ends up looking a bit constipated.
*
As soon as Lexa heard Clarke's voice she couldn't move her body. After her uncharacteristic outburst the last thing she expected was for Clarke to see her exposed. Well, at least she felt exposed because she let her armor fall to the wayside for once. She attempts to steel herself before looking up at the girl who will surely be the end of her. However, when she looks up the molten heat of the sun melts her iron will as tears form in her betraying eyes.
"What's going on?" Clarke manages to choke out. She breaks their locked gaze to focus on Raven. The fire that instigates her combustion burns behind her eyes hoping that her best friend isn't this vindictive. Blue and brown eyes communicate without saying a world while green ones dart back and forth cutting through the silence like a loom sewing things together. Why is Clarke here? The tables turn, as Lexa is the one looking in on a moment. Raven looks worried while Clarke looks hurt and angry. This is confusing and it's uncomfortable.
"Nothing"
Lexa hears Raven blurt like a child caught in the cookie jar.
What?
She looks over at the wolf-sheep and her expression has faltered into panic. After long stretching seconds, Lexa feels like she's been left out of a joke.
"Is there anything you want to tell me?" Lexa tries for couth, maybe she can flush whatever it is out. She doesn't direct this question at anyone in particular but she veers her eyes toward the one person who she hopes wouldn't lie.
Oh shit, is all Raven could say in her mind. This was not going how she planned. Actually, it might be going exactly how she planned because she has been fighting with herself on whether to tell her or not for the past few hours. It wasn't her place, yet it could be. If she had any hope in salvaging this friendship she's grown to adore, then she should be the one to own up to it.
"Um…" Her brain is like molasses trying to either conjure up the courage to tell her or employ the justifications to not and leave it up to Clarke.
"Raven?" Clarke steps further into the garage interrupting Raven's deluge of thoughts, "Can I talk to Lexa alone?"
"Well, we were just—
"Please?"
The mechanic stands up in her own shop and tries to deliver a message with her eyes. I didn't tell her!
"Yeah sure, I'll be upstairs."
She grabs her phone off the counter and quickly takes her exit. As soon as she gets into her house she sends a text to Clarke.
- 11:43pm- Griffindork
Raven: I didn't tell her anything.
Raven: We were talking about you and how she feels that's all.
-
But Clarke ignores the buzzing phone in her pocket because the most important thing to her just might be lost. The look on Lexa's face is almost unrecognizable, sending her into panic recovery mode.
"Lexa, I can explain…"
Now Lexa is utterly confused, explain what exactly? And the nagging question that won't leave her mind is why is she here? She stays silent. Silence usually causes doubt and angst in the other person's mind, often encouraging them to talk more than they would if instigated. So she waits.
Clarke inches closer worry seeping from her pores. "It didn't mean anything and I didn't tell you because it doesn't matter."
What the fuck, what didn't mean anything? Lexa's mind searches her mental Rolodex for any scenario that would fit this puzzle. It doesn't make any sense, so she stays silent.
"I'm sorry for asking for space but I needed time to think. There are so many things coming to the surface that it was making my head spin. I just needed it to stop. I was talking to Octavia the other day…" Her voice is shaky like she is auditioning in front of the most important audience of her life.
"And I was telling her that we needed to trust each other. She needs to trust that I can handle anything she has to tell me because we deserve the truth from each other. So I… I told her the other day and I guess Raven decided it would be fair to be the one to tell you…" She closes her eyes at the thought of that betrayal. Fuck, this is harder than she thought it would be. There's a hollow burn in her chest that deepens every silent second Lexa delivers.
Lexa sits quiet and still. Her elbows are on her knees while her thumbs form a makeshift stand for her chin to rest, as her fingers stand straight up against her nose. Her head is too heavy for her feeble neck to support and she can't bring herself to look directly at the nervous girl in front of her. This room is suddenly becoming a suffocating confessional. She feels sick to her stomach at the context of information Clarke's giving her. Fractions of truth are being given with each word, providing Lexa the pieces to put together as she listens.
Clarke doesn't dare move closer to Lexa in fear she's lost that welcome. Late winter air envelops fair skin as she searches for any scrap of bone. Lexa's giving her nothing to go on; no sign that she should even keep going. But she continues in hopes of any reaction because the stoicism she is receiving from Lexa is crippling.
"It never happened more than once and it will never happen again—"
Oh…"—She has always been there for me and I know it's the weirdest time for this to come out—"She understands now. The context clues allow her to draw a conclusive picture.
The picture growing more vivid each second she wraps her head around this new fucking found information. What the fuck! What? When did this happen?! When did Raven and Clarke fuck each other?! Was it recently? Was it yesterday?! FUCK!
Lexa hides her face in between her praying hands. Her ears are burning from the realization, Clarke is still rambling on but it doesn't matter now.
Lexa understands.
She wants to scream but she stays calm. Her hands help seal the words from spilling out of her mouth. How could she not see it before…? The way they look at each other sometimes, like they understand things a little more than everyone else in the room, and how comfortable their touches are. Sure, Octavia is similar but their interactions just scream platonic and Raven… Raven is something else, an enigma…Christ! How close are they? She's seen Clarke naked…Does she know about her tiny birthmark? Fuck, probably. The questions build up in her mind as she finds juxtaposing possible answers in her memories. Just last week Clarke got exceedingly jealous when she wrestled with Raven. At the time she thought it was for her but maybe…
The thought of Raven and Clarke sends burning embers through her veins that she can't stomp down. Anger swells up in her lungs as she focuses on Clarke once more.
"—and I don't think about her like that. I've only been in love with you Lexa and I'm so sorry you had to find out this way. I wanted to tell you myself but I was planning on talking to my mom and Anya before you so I could at least get some guidance but now… I…"
Clarke looks up to find an emerald blaze boring into her. She gulps.
"I'm sorry…" She whispers her twentieth apology. The blonde stands on weak limbs as she waits for Lexa to say something. During her whole explanation Lexa was a statue, not reacting in the slightest. She waits…
and waits…
When she feels like she can't wait anymore she steps closer, "Lex—
"When did it happen?"
Clarke's eyes go wide at the lack of warmth in her voice but she doesn't dare question it.
"Junior year of high school" she answers.
"How many times?"
"Once"
"Where?"
The details don't matter but she has to know. The image of Raven inside Clarke, the idea of her tasting her is corroding her mind and like she's a glutton for punishment she needs to know.
"Where did you fuck her Clarke?"
"In my dad's study…"
Okay, that hurts; for some reason that extra detail hurt like hell.
"Okay."
Okay? Clarke jerks her head forward as if chasing after the venom. That's it?! She wanted to feel it, she deserves wrath. Lexa deserves to be upset but she doesn't dare speak unless she's spoken to; it's like wading through water whose surface is on fire.
After what seems like eternal torture, she hears a softer voice.
"Do you have feelings for her?"
Clarke shakes her head, "Not like that, no."
"Did you ever?"
She shakes her head again.
"Why am I just hearing about this now?"
Clarke touches her messy bun, eager to busy her nervous fingers. "I… don't know. It didn't come up until this week. Raven and I, we… she helped me through a lot in high school. I wasn't out for a long time and she helped me understand how to be me… I didn't think it was anyone else's business."
Lexa takes a deep sigh as she puts her face into her hands. She can understand that too. The past is not public information, she of all people understands that the past is private and it doesn't belong to anyone else. She also knows that the past doesn't mollify the present. The past doesn't define a person but it is what makes a person who they are. Actions speak louder than words and at this point all Lexa hears are words from Clarke.
She lifts her head from her hands, "And now that it's out in the open, and everyone's business… Where does that leave us?"
Clarke feels nauseous. Lexa's question puts fear into her heart. It's not fair to be judged by the past. Of all people Clarke thought Lexa would understand that.
"What do you mean?" She asks with displeasure.
The brunette still refuses to look into the blue. Lexa shakes her head as she stares at the ground. She doesn't know what she means…all she knows is that she's lost in all of this.
"So… before game night, when Raven and I were wrestling. Why did you get so upset?"
Her tone sounds accusatory. Clarke's face scrunches up in confusion as she thinks back to that day.
"Were you jealous that our attention wasn't on you for once?"
Woah… Okay.
"Um… no." Clarke shuffles further in just barely enough so she can lean against Raven's workstation still far enough away from Lexa to give her space.
"Then why were you so upset?"
Clarke shrugs her shoulders, "I don't know, I guess I felt jealous but it wasn't like that…" She takes a deep breath trying to analyze herself, it isn't easy to put her feelings into words. Especially when words feel like a finite cage for how she feels when she doesn't even know if it's that simple.
" I guess I felt insecure. I only ever had Raven and Octavia as close friends and then you… And maybe seeing you so close to Raven made me feel that they would like you better…" Saying it out loud sounds really petty and childish but that's the closest explanation she can give right now. It isn't becoming of her but she's working on her emotions. It's hard to share the most important people in her life with someone just as important, someone who she isn't sure she wants to share with anyone else in the world.
"I know it sounds selfish, but it's like… you… You're this amazing person Lexa and every time I'm with you, I hope that I don't look stupid or do something that will cause you to like me any less. I don't want you to stop liking me because I love you so much. I love everything about you. There isn't one thing that you do that I don't love and sometimes I just want you to myself. It wasn't about Raven that day… It was about me having to share my favorite person in the whole world with my other favorite people. That maybe once I did, I would be like the velveteen rabbit or something…"
Her eyes quickly lose the battle against the clan of water holding onto the front lines of her lashes. She feels like she would be forgotten and maybe it's ridiculous but in her eyes, she isn't special. She is learning to love herself everyday but it's very hard when good things don't happen to good people when they should.
Clarke's chin trembles because Lexa still hasn't looked at her.
"I fear that one day you'll see me for who I am and not want me anymore. Sometimes I love myself but most of the time I don't know who I am… but when I'm with you I feel like I discover more of myself everyday. I love who I am with you Lexa… and you have helped me more than Raven has or ever could. I don't want anyone else. I want you."
She dares to step a little closer to the girl who means the world. She steps close enough to see the shimmer in her eyes, trails already forged down the slopes of her cheeks.
When she speaks again she's in reaching distance from the seated girl.
"I'm sorry…" she voices softly; her fingers twitch at the ready to touch.
Lexa nods her head scrupulously. It's careful and minute but it's there. Clarke sees it and doesn't dare move. She isn't sure what it means so she stays still. Lexa understands Clarke's fear. She feels similar in the sense that she is more of who she wants to be around the blonde. It feels right when they're together. But is this it? If they are to work, is this the moment that they both move forward together? Lexa isn't sure she can take much more of the ups and downs.
"Lexa…" her whisper is wet, "please look at me..."
She waits patiently for the girl below her to acquiesce.
Lexa knows she's close; she can smell her and feel her presence. As soon as Clarke started to inch towards her she shut her eyes. She is torn between yearning for her touch and not wanting to be touched by anyone. It's always a battle between the head and the heart. Lexa guesses it isn't about which one wins, it's about learning to listen to one over the other when they wage. It's about letting them fight and listening to their cry.
'Balance is key in all things' A principle she taught herself in the past. Not only should she protect herself at all times but she should have balance. There is a time to be vulnerable just as there is a time to be guarded. Sometimes in order to win a battle, one must appear liable. So, which part of her should lie on the line? Should she let her logic play opossum while her heart takes action or should she allow her heart to lay dormant as her logic secures its survival. She tries to listen to the lessons Anya taught her while mixing in her own experiences with them. It's hard to modify and even harder to create new principles to live by when the stakes are no longer life and death. Peace brings politics and Lexa was never good at people. The maneuver and manipulations never interested her. Love, however, is what wars are fought for. She understands why she fought so hard to survive for all these years. To feel something so pure as love, is the reason in which the winters thaw and spring blooms. It's what makes life worth living and not just about surviving.
So she grits her teeth and challenges herself.
"If you want me…then why do you keep pushing me away?"
She looks up.
And when she does, she breaks.
Her tears stream from the gulfs of her eyes, she inhales air she didn't know she needed. Clarke is everything and it hurts to want to run away from that. It hurts to know that this person can ruin her in a moment's time. Lexa wants to run away and protect her heart from this vulnerability. Instead, she reaches out and grabs Clarke's hip and as soon as she does, Clarke steps forward and cradles her head into her stomach.
"Lexa…" She gasps full of regret and sorrow.
She did this.
She is the cause of this girl's pain and it hurts.
Everything hurts.
Some say true love should be easy and free. But in truth, love is like light. Love is the presence of all emotions just as white is the presence of all colors. It's unrelenting in the fact that it's full and all encompassing. Love isn't easy because it fills every crack full of every color imaginable illuminating white light. It hurts, soothes, cures, burns, cools, frees, and jails the heart all at once. But just as white is the presence of all colors; black is the absence of them. And when the presence of love is ripped from the heart, it feels like a black hole. It feels as though nothing can ever exist there again. So the opposite of love isn't' hate, it's indifference.
It's nothingness.
"I do want you… I've always wanted you." Clarke declares.
Lexa hugs at Clarke's torso trying to hold onto the love she feels fearful of slipping back into the void. She doesn't want this to matter; she doesn't want the past to matter now. All she wants is Clarke.
After she dries her tears with the soft surface in front of her, she takes a breath and tilts her head back to find tender eyes upon her. Her hands still grip at her pliable hips, leaving grease stains behind.
"It took me a long time to open up to the possibility of us again. And when I finally do, it's everything else that's getting in the way." Clarke confesses while caressing the back of her neck.
"I feel like we're always crying or fighting for us…shouldn't it be easier than this?"
Lexa feels Clarke shake a little with her response, "No…"
She clears her throat, "I don't think it should be any kind of way. It's easy to love you Lexa. That part is easy…"
"I guess it's everything else that isn't." Lexa finishes for her.
"mmm" Clarke hums. She feels like she's home when she holds Lexa. This is what makes everything else worth it. She manages to squeeze the brunette closer to her chest feeling her breathe.
They stay wrapped in each other for a while, just existing, feeling each other. Their hearts eventually beat in sync, as do their breaths.
~
"Why are you here?"
The sound of Lexa's broken voice around those words startle Clarke into thinking that maybe she doesn't want her here but before she can voice her fear Lexa continues.
"I mean why did you come here tonight?"
Relaxing a bit, Clarke exhales at her amendment while running her hand on top of Lexa's hair.
"Honestly, I came here to avoid going home. Octavia and I aren't talking much and I just needed a place to think."
Blue eyes scan the room; "I see you're working on motorcycles with Raven?"
Lexa follows her line of sight nodding, "Yeah."
Clarke's attention snaps back at her short response. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you…"
"It doesn't matter"
Clarke's eyebrows knit infinitesimally together, what doesn't matter… She worries that she means it doesn't matter that she's sorry, or that it doesn't matter that she wants her and loves her. Because she hasn't said it back yet.
"What doesn't matter?" She chokes out.
Lexa leans back dropping her hands from the warmth of Clarke's hips, immediately missing the feeling.
"The past…" she sighs. "It doesn't matter. You say it's in the past then it's in the past. There are things in my past I haven't told you and I wouldn't want you holding those against me now. I've changed and became who I am today because of it but it's not who I am." She fidgets with her hands pinching and pulling at her fingers.
"Yeah, it hurts to find out that you slept with Raven." The sound those words make causes bile to rise in her throat. "… and I wish you would've told me sooner but it doesn't matter because… I want this." She lifts her chin up to look into the sky blue eyes that contrast so beautifully against the night. "I want us to work Clarke. I really do, I wasn't ready then but I'm ready now…"
"And the whole Harper thing is a non-issue because I don't want her. I'm sorry I put myself in that position and I won't do it again but I think I have major issues with you and Bellamy and it got the best of me. I don't like him near you…"
Clarke thinks for a minute before speaking.
"I know. And… I can't say I won't see him again because he's Octavia's brother but I promise I don't want to see him nor do I want to be near him again. He's changed into something other than who I've known him to be… and…" Her voice cracks into heartbreak at the thought of someone so close to her breaking her trust and friendship. She still struggles with the brevity of the situation. She has dealt with handsy men before but this was different and the more it sunk in, the more it hurt.
"…I handled it wrong. I ignored what happened and allowed him around when I knew how you felt."
Lexa grits her teeth. She knew Clarke did certain things on purpose but after their talk and the events of that night, she forgave her. They haven't really talked about any of it in truth. It's always been glazed over in declarations and promises.
"I don't want to be manipulated Clarke."
"I know," Clarke nods. "I don't mean to, I don't know why I feel the way I do sometimes. I can't blame anyone else but myself because they're my insecurities and I'm dealing with them."
"Are you going to need space every time something happens?" She asks with a lifted brow.
This question is the first that implies that there could be a future. Clarke holds onto that hope and answers her with certainty.
"No, I don't want anymore space from you…"
"I want to be with you Lexa."
The brunette nods, "I want that too."
Clarke lets out a breath of relief as she lets her knees gently touch the ground to pull Lexa into her embrace chest to chest, heart to heart. She holds her like if she didn't she would lose her to the world. It was relief but mostly it was grief.
"But we have to do better at surviving this. We have to communicate with each other and most of all trust each other."
"You're right…I'm sorry for putting you through so much this year. I've just been so lost and it wasn't until recently that I've found my way." She rests her cheek on Lexa's shoulder giving her lips the chance to place a chaste kiss to a strong jaw. When she does, she feels Lexa shudder in her arms, causing her to squeeze her tighter.
"I know it hasn't been easy being with me and I know that I've given you little reason to stay but I promised you that I would put you first and I intend to do that."
"No…"
Clarke flinches, "No?" Every time she thinks they are on the same page, Lexa changes the chapter.
"Don't put yourself second to anyone Clarke. You're the only person you should truly put first and I'm okay with being your second. I will put you before anyone else but I want us to be independently together. I want you to have your life and me to have mine. However, I want us to live our lives together…" She looks into her eyes imploring her to understand.
"Do you know what I mean?"
"Kind of…"
"I mean, I don't want us to be so involved with each other that we lose sight of our individual goals and dreams. I don't want to get lost in each other. I want to make you into the best version of yourself. I don't just want us to survive together Clarke… I want us to thrive together."
Clarke nods her head too afraid to speak in fear she would sob all over the girl in her arms. This is the best-case scenario. A dream couldn't have made it better.
"And maybe we should try communicating with words more often than with our bodies?" She eases the weight of the moment. Clarke's only response is to tighten her hold. After a few moments Lexa nudges the blonde with a smirk. "Hmm?"
Clarke finally lifts her head and nods, "yeah…" she laughs while wiping tears from her face. "But… we can still communicate with our bodies though right?"
Lexa tilts her head back with her eyes closed in light laughter, "Yes Clarke, we can."